Uncle John's Presents Book of the Dumb 2

by John Michael Scalzi

  The good news is that Agent Smith’s pain was not in vain since he did get through to those kids about the dangers of loaded weapons, just not in the way he had originally planned. The spectator also noted, “The point of gun safety hit home . . . after seeing that, my nephew doesn’t want to have anything to do with guns.” We suspect Agent Smith doesn’t either.

  Source: Orlando Sentinel, The Washington Times

  Death By Peanut Butter!

  There’s nothing funny about nut allergies. But in the particular, there’s not a thing amusing about someone having an allergic reaction so instantaneous and severe that their breathing passages constrict, anaphylactic shock sets in, and only a fast jab of adrenaline keeps someone on this side on the Styx (the mythological river, not the band).

  This may be why the South Orange school district in New Jersey suspended a sixth grader for three weeks after the student allegedly threatened a teacher with . . . a package of Nutter Butter cookies. It seems that the teacher had a severe nut allergy, and the student in question had an unopened pack of said cookies in class and had made some untoward suggestions to other classmates regarding the application of said cookies to said teacher.

  For discussing assault with a deadly cookie, you can get suspended these days? Yeesh. We can see how an actual attempt to rub said cookies on the teacher would certainly have been a problem. Hard time for the kid and a refusal of admittance to all the Ivy League schools (well, except maybe Brown) would have been an appropriate punishment. Better yet, if he dove across the cafeteria, peanut butter cookie in one hand, a small bust of noted peanut scientist George Washington Carver in the other, he’d still win points for creativity, but still meet with a suspension, too. But suspending a kid for just talking about the Nutter Butter’s capabilities as a weapon? That’s harsh, man. (We can remember some of the comments we made about our teachers. We’d be looking at jail time nowadays.)

  This is also a reminder to teachers out there: telling a class of middle school kids about potentially fatal allergies you have is like giving yourself a nasty paper cut and then swimming in the shark pool—not a good idea. If you’re going to tell them you’re allergic to something, tell them you’re allergic to BMWs. Or Brad Pitt. Let’s see the kids smuggle one of those into class in their backpacks.

  Source: Associated Press

  To The Showers, Coach

  What do we want, hope, and expect from a middle school basketball coach? Optimally, we’d hope for one of those coaches who can take a collection of raggedy kids and diligently craft them into a team of players that trusts each other as they take to the hard court—and take on life. Realistically, we’ll settle for anyone who makes sure the players shoot into the right basket at least 80 percent of the time.

  “Chad” who coached basketball for a Pleasantville, New Jersey, middle school, appeared to lack proper motivational skills. For some reason, Chad believed that public humiliation is what makes the junior high athlete great. The evidence for this came when Chad presented one of his players with a very special award at the annual team banquet. Was it for most team spirit? Best bench warming? Most pronounced ability to draw the foul?

  Nope, it was an award for the biggest crybaby on the team. Presenting a trophy with a crying baby on it to the thirteen-year-old recipient, Chad recounted how the boy “begged to get in the game, and all he did was whine.” To add insult to injury, the boy’s name was misspelled on the trophy.

  Chad would later maintain the award was a joke. But oddly enough, the school board had difficulty in finding the nugget of humor in that particular act, and voted to keep Chad from ever coaching again in Pleasantville. In addition, he had to publicly apologize to the student and take sensitivity training classes. That’s a start.

  Sources: Associated Press

  It Tasted Just Like Stupidity

  Yes, we know. All fizzy things look so tasty. But tell that to “Tim,” a junior from Odessa, Texas, who was presented with a flask of something from the chemistry lab by his alleged friends and bet $2 that he wouldn’t drink from it. Well, two bucks is two bucks, and a bet’s a bet, right? Tim thought so and took a swig. Was it refreshing? Yes, if you define “refreshing” as “causing one to bleed from the nose and mouth,” which was how Tim was found later in the school’s hallway. Alas, he did not have a Coke and a smile.

  What was it he drank? They weren’t sure. “We need to find out what it was from the toxicologist,” assistant principal Ray Lascano told the local press. “All of those materials belonged to one of the chemistry labs.” And generally what’s kept in a chemistry class are chemicals, most of which are not meant to be ingested. You want to ingest chemicals, go down the hall to the cafeteria. Those chemicals, at least, aren’t likely to make you bleed from the mouth. (Unless it’s the tacos; watch out, those tortillas can be pointy.)

  Tim didn’t die, but he spent time in a pediatric intensive care unit before he got sent home. Hopefully with the $2 he won he can afford to buy himself a clue. Or at least some friends who won’t try to slip him toxic fizz.

  Sources: Associated Press

  Not What They Meant by Sex Ed

  Akio,” an unassuming fellow from Tondabayashi, Osaka Prefecture, Japan, just wanted to watch some adult entertainment, but didn’t want his family to know about it. So there he was, with the XXX title he had rented from the local video store and no place to watch it. But then Akio had an idea. There was a video player at his place of employment—he could just watch it there! What a great idea.

  Two problems. First of all, Akio’s place of employment was a junior high school where he was a teacher. Most work places frown on employees using office equipment to indulge themselves, but watching that kind of film in a place where twelve-year-olds come to learn is a big ol’ no-no. But perhaps Akio was under the impression that if he were careful, then he wouldn’t have a problem. Like must dummies, he thought he wouldn’t get caught.

  Second problem: the thing about pornography is that it does tend to cloud one’s judgment, as it did with Akio. After he had snuck in a few minutes of his adult video in the science room of his school, he left the room—and the tape in the VCR, where it was discovered a few minutes later when a class filed in to use the science room and also the video player. We don’t know what the class was expecting to learn that day, but what they got was a few minutes of explicit sex education. Akio got slapped with a one-month pay cut. Wonder how he’ll explain that at home.

  Source: Daily News (Mainichi, Japan)

  Everest Is Not in The Cards

  One of the problems people have with nature is that they simply don’t get that nature is just itchin’ to kill them at the first opportunity. Nature is a famously cruel and unforgiving instructor, something the schoolteachers and students in this story failed to appreciate.

  On that note, we’re on our way to Scotland, to Meall a’ Bhuachaille, a 2,500-foot hill north of Loch Morlich, in the Cairngorms National Park. “Meall a’ Bhuachaille” means “Shepherd’s Hill,” which sounds pleasant enough, and it’s not like 2,500 feet seems very high, right? But as the members of the Cairngorm Mountain Rescue Team will be happy to tell you, get lost and alone on Shepherd’s Hill, and you’re just a good storm away from being a hikersicle. That’s why you take proper hiking clothing, some provisions, a compass, and ways to signal for help.

  None of which the hiking party from the Beth Jacob Teachers’ Training Seminary in east London bothered with before they set out to hike the hill in early July 2004. The hiking party consisted of nearly forty 16- and 17-year-old girls led by a single teacher; the girls’ attire consisted of their school uniform and sneakers, and the teacher led them without so much as map.

  So naturally, the mist rolled in (in July? Believe it—there had been snow on the summit of the hill until mid-June, and a week before the temperature on the summit had gone well below freezing), and the hiking party became irretrievably lost. Not to mention the cold—some of the girls took to wrapping themselves in
trash bags for warmth. As one rescuer later put it, they were “only a rain shower away from death,” which is the last place you expect to be on a July afternoon.

  The teacher eventually did find a way to signal for help—by borrowing a cell phone from one of her students to dial 999 (the UK equivalent of 911). Even then, the members of the Cairngorm Mountain Rescue Team had a difficult time locating the hiking group because of the mist, bad cell connections, and of course, the group’s having no idea where they were. When the rescue team finally did locate them, the girls in the group were (can you believe it?) rather snippy: “What took you so long? We called for help 45 minutes ago,” one of them reportedly said.

  John Allen, who led the Rescue Team, was so appalled at the situation that he went on record to the press to commemorate the group’s dumbassery: “I have never seen so many people so ill-equipped,” he said to reporters. “Neither the teacher nor the girls had any idea of what they were doing or how much danger they were in. I hate to criticize people who enjoy hill walking and I very rarely do it, but this was probably the worst case I have ever encountered and I hope that by condemning the school and the teacher something useful will come out of it.”

  By all indications, however, it probably won’t. “We were a bit worried lost in the mist, but it cleared up. I don’t see what the fuss is all about,” said one of the girls, after she had gotten down off the mountain. Well, take her back up the mountain, we say. She’ll figure out what the fuss was about soon enough. Nature will take care of that.

  Source: Scotsman.com, The Daily Record (UK), The Telegraph (UK)

  The Really Stupid Quiz

  Edu-ma-cation

  Time for a pop quiz! One story here is true. Two stories are false. Pick the true one and you get an “A.” Pick a false one and you stay after class to beat the erasers. And remember, no looking at anyone else’s answers.

  1.A Red Bluff, California, biology teacher was placed on leave after he encouraged his biology students to name their frogs after the high school principal and other faculty members before they began their dissections. “As he handed out the frogs, he said it would help us get out our aggressions by pretending they were teachers we didn’t like,” one student said, “It was really creepy.” Some students told their parents, who informed principal Patrick Gleeson. Sources at the Red Bluff Union School District offices suggest the incident occurred after another teacher had parked in the biology teacher’s favorite parking space.

  2.Every kid wants to drive the school bus. However, every kid should not be allowed to drive the school bus, particularly when the kids in question are aged eleven to fifteen. The good news is that the Carroll, Iowa, school bus driver did not, in fact, let all the kids on the bus drive the bus. The bad news is that six of the kids did get into the driver’s seat for a bit of highly illegal, definitely dangerous, real-life Tonka time. Oddly enough, this caused the bus driver to hand in a resignation letter three weeks later. So now Carroll, Iowa, is down one bus driver. On the other hand, they have at least six new candidates to take over the route.

  3.Teachers at Taos Middle School in New Mexico experienced an ironic episode of embarrassment when the video at the heart of a voluntary sex education assembly was interrupted by several spliced-in scenes of The Teletubbies, the British children’s show that features a quartet of colorful sprites. According to witnesses, the video was just starting a section on the changes bodies undergo during puberty when the spliced children’s characters popped up and began their usual scampering and giggling. This undoubtedly broke the mood for the twelve-year-olds in the assembly. School officials suspect the dubbing was done when someone took the tape from the school districts main administrative offices and promised an investigation.

  Turn to page 329 for the answer.

  Dim Bulbs in Bright Lights

  Fast Times at Ridgemont High (1982)

  Our Dumb Guy: Jeff Spicoli (Sean Penn)

  Our Story: The entire film is a slightly fictionalized account of a year at a California high school, written by journalist Cameron Crowe (who actually posed as a student to get the scoop on high school life). The Spicoli character’s subplot features his ongoing struggle against the officious history teacher Mr. Hand (Ray Walston), who appears to delight in harshing the laid-back Spicoli’s mellow buzz.

  Dumb or Stoned? Since one of the first appearances of Jeff Spicoli features him stumbling out of a VW van packed with more herb smoke than a Jackson Browne concert, we can pretty much say he was stoned.

  High Point of Low Comedy: Spicoli orders pizza to be delivered during history class and is totally shocked when Mr. Hand parcels out the pizza to other kids in the class—and then totally has a slice himself!

  And Now, In Their Own Words: Spicoli, explaining the reasoning behind the U.S. Constitution to Mr. Hand: “So what Jefferson was saying was ‘Hey! You know, we left this England place because it was bogus. So if we don’t get some cool rules ourselves, pronto, we’ll just be bogus too.’ Yeah?”

  He’s Dumb, But Is the Film Good? It’s very good, and is still one of the most observant teen films ever made. In many ways, Fast Times is the blueprint for just about every other teen movie of the 1980s.

  CHAPTER 6

  Government Goofs

  We know, we know: chronicling governmental goofs is like shooting fish in a barrel. But it’s a barrel you paid for. You paid for the fish, too. So, you know, someone ought to have the fun of shooting. Why not us? Not that we’re actually advocating shooting at the government. That would be wrong. (Please governments, don’t lock us up. We’re merely being metaphorical, here.) So do your civic duty and read on to see just what those tax dollars are paying for.

  Uncle Sam Charges It

  What happens when you give a U.S. federal civil servant a charge card? Most of the time, they use it for what it’s supposed to be used for: gas for cars on government business, staples, a computer monitor or two for the office. You know. The usual.

  But of course, not everyone plays nice with their government-supplied credit cards, paid off with your tax dollars (presuming you’re an American taxpayer). In a 2004 audit of government credit card use, here are some of the credit card doozies the GAO uncovered:

  •A navy employee spent more than $130,000 on cars, a motorbike, and breast implants. Yes, the credit card spending went to her head, but your tax dollars went to her chest.

  •An employee at the Department of Defense ran a little scam with a family member to make fake purchases through a sham company. They caught her only after $1.7 million in purchases went through. That’s government efficiency for you!

  •After being asked to explain the purchase of a stuffed deer head, one credit card holder explained it was to teach military personnel about the local animal life.

  •Another justified the purchase of a trio of global positioning systems because the cardholder just kept getting lost.

  •How are navy engineers learning about robotics? To hear one card holder explain it, through the purchase of a couple hundred dollars worth of Lego toys.

  •And finally, some credit for not insulting the intelligence of the auditor: when one government card holder was asked to explain why there was a need to buy a $250 day planner from designer Louis Vuitton instead on one you can pick up for $12 at Staples, the card holder responded: “Personal preference.” Well, you know. When someone else is buying, that’d be our personal preference, too.

  Now when you think of the U.S. government’s $7 trillion deficit, you’ll have to stay up nights wondering how much of it is being charged at the average credit card APR of 18.9 percent. Sweet dreams!

  Source: Reuters

  Cyprus? It’s Near Crete. Really Near.

  You would think that the average Irish citizen would be aware of where the island of Cyprus is in the Mediterranean Sea: Cyprus is a small island split into two states (The Republic of Cyprus and the Turkish Republic of Northern Cyprus) that don’t really get along—which is something the Irish can
certainly understand, come to think of it.

  You would also think that the Irish postal service should definitely know where the island of Cyprus is, just in case (among other reasons) anyone would ever want to mail anything there. So when An Post, the Irish postal service, issued a commemorative stamp in May 2004 honoring the ten new members of the European Union, some folks couldn’t help but notice that Cyprus, one of the new members, was represented on the stamp by an island shaped like Crete, another Mediterranean island that is part of Greece, a current EU member not being honored on the stamp.

  An Post spokesperson Anna McHugh quickly moved to suggest that the long, thin, rather Crete-ish island positioned where Crete would be on most maps was actually the rather more squat island of Cyprus: “That really is meant to represent Cyprus, but we’ve had to take some cartographic license. We simply didn’t have room,” she said. “Cartographic license” in this case being an “industry term” meaning “We screwed up royally but don’t want to admit it.” Well, we bet that doesn’t make the Cypriots feel better about being represented by a completely different island that is part of an entirely different country. Perhaps Ireland wouldn’t mind if Cyprus issued a stamp and represented the Emerald Isle by the island that now hosts England, Scotland, and Wales. Yes, we imagine that’d go over just fabulously.

  Another interesting bit from the stamp: the Irish island seems to have lost the border between Ireland and Northern Ireland, a cartographic flight of fancy that didn’t go over particularly well north of the border. Steven King, an adviser to the Ulster Unionist Party in Belfast, mailed An Post a copy of the 1998 peace treaty that allowed for Northern Ireland to remain part of the United Kingdom, although King allowed the slight probably wasn’t intentional: “I’m sure it’s just sloppiness. I’m not genuinely offended,” he said. “We use British stamps up here anyway.”