Uncle John's Presents Book of the Dumb 2

by John Michael Scalzi

  Intemperate rapscallions!

  Source: Associated Press

  Tip 8

  Make Sure Your Fake Badge Doesn’t Say Something Stupid

  In the first Book of the Dumb, we recounted the tale of a man who thought it would be fun to pretend to be a cop and pull people over on the road—and maybe it was, until he pulled over an off-duty cop who proceeded to show him what an actual cop thinks about the fake kind.

  Sadly, “Josh,” of Hobe Sound, Florida, must not have been given a copy of the first book for a birthday or major gift-giving holiday, because he tried pulling the same stunt; one night off of I-95, Josh flashed the realistic-looking lights of his car to pull over a female driver. The bad news for him was that she happened to be an off-duty Palm Beach Sheriff’s deputy; what was even worse news for Josh was that the female deputy had a male deputy friend following her in another car. So suddenly, there were three people with badges—but two of them had real badges, and Josh wasn’t either of those two.

  What gave Josh away? Well, for one thing, the lights on his vehicle weren’t correct—a little detail that few outside law enforcement would have picked up. However, even the least aware people might have suspected Josh’s badge was fake, as in addition to identifying him as “Miami Vice” (which if nothing else meant he was out of his jurisdiction), it also proclaimed him to be an inspector of the female reproductive system (although of course the badge described it rather less politely). His badge number: “69.” Yeah, that’s not a badge that exactly screams credibility.

  What happens when you play at being a cop with real cops? They practice a little arrestitude on you: Josh was charged with impersonating an officer.

  Source: TheSmokingGun.com. TCPalm.com, The Palm Beach Post

  Tip 9

  Just Take the Wallet and Run

  There are three criminals in our story, and the three of them ganged up on some poor fellow at the Solingen-Ohligs train stop in Düsseldorf, Germany, and forced the schmoe to give them his wallet. From said wallet they extracted cash. In a token gesture (of what, we don’t know), one of thieves returned the empty wallet to the fellow they just robbed, perhaps to show that they weren’t complete thieving jerks, or the better for him to fill it up again to be robbed at a later time (it’s the miscreant’s ATM!). A better strategy would have just been to take the wallet and hightail it out of there.

  Why, do you ask? Well, because when the robber with a heart of gold handed the victim a wallet, it wasn’t the victim’s wallet—it was the robber’s. That lovely billfold contained within it the robber’s identification, just the kind of information the police love to have when tracking down a criminal! The thief was then quickly rounded up by the cops, who, after all, knew where he lived. His pals were picked up later. (No word if the victim actually ever got the right wallet back.) So thieves, keep your wallet on you or that might be the last mugging you’ll ever pull.

  Source: Ananova

  Tip 10

  Hey Big Spender, Try Laying Low for a While

  Yes, that’s right. You knocked over that bank. Very nice. However, if you’re then spending like a swell an hour later, how does that look? Right, it looks like someone might try to get some reward money out of turning you in.

  “Albert” held up a Wilmington, North Carolina, branch of the Bank of America. The robbery went as robberies do, and Albert exited the bank shortly after 4 p.m. Just a few minutes later, Albert pops up at a nearby bar, carrying a duffel bag, a bus ticket, and a bunch of $100 bills, that he uses to buy drinks, make big tips, and call a whole lot of attention to himself. Al’s profligacy may have been a significant contributing factor to someone ratting him out to the cops a few hours later, once footage from the robbery made the rounds in the local media.

  By the time the cops rolled into the bar, Albert had lit out—but later, the cops got a call about a home invasion, and it was our pal Al. Apparently he’d tried to placate the people whose house he had broken into by announcing “I’ve got money”; strangely, the people confronted with a stranger in their home were not impressed. Al then tried to hoof away, but he didn’t get very far. He was charged with armed robbery and first-degree burglary and held under $100,000 bail. He should have just spent a quiet evening at home.

  Source: Associated Press, Wilmington Police Department

  Tip 11

  Don’t Moon Over Your Sentence

  Yeah, okay, we’ll admit it, who doesn’t like a grand, irrational gesture of defiance every once in a while? But as the Bible and The Byrds have told us, to everything there is a season: a time to laugh, a time to cry, a time to sow, a time to reap, a time to act foolishly and a time to wear a suit, stand in front of a judge and admit your foolishness in a grave and dignified manner. All right, they don’t say that last bit exactly, but they should.

  “Lee” wasn’t buying the dignified matter strategy. In front of Connecticut judge Patrick Carroll, he was supposed to plead guilty to armed robbery and conspiracy to commit robbery as part of a plea bargain. Judge Carroll told Lee to address him as “Sir,” and Lee, to his credit, did. But rather not to his credit, he did it in the context of saying, “Sir? Kiss my [insert salty expression for posterior here], sir!” and then dropping his pants and waving his cheeks at the now-affronted jurist.

  It’ll be a great story to tell in the prison yard, for sure. Judge Carroll made sure that Lee would get an opportunity to try it out as soon as possible: he slapped Lee with a six-month prison term for contempt of court. Oh, and that plea bargain? Yeah, Lee could forget about that too. In all, Lee’s few seconds of cheek-flapping will probably cost him an extra five and a half years. It’s not what we would call a good trade.

  Source: Associated Press

  Tip 12

  The Police Hang Out at the Courthouse

  Kevin” caught a break that day he was pulled over for a traffic stop with drugs in his car. He was arrested; but then, a search warrant executed at his house found eight guns he, as a former felon, shouldn’t have had and a meth lab. And you ask, so how is this lucky? Well, Kevin was held during all this without actually being charged with anything—and since he hadn’t been charged within a specified period of time, he was sprung from jail before charges could be filed (which they later were—making Kevin a wanted man). The average crook would have seen this as divine providence and gotten out of Dodge before the authorities could catch up to him.

  Not Kevin. He not only didn’t run, he actually showed up at the courthouse about a week later. Why? Well, remember that traffic stop that was the start of his woes? Those charges were what he had come to settle. Perhaps he thought that if he could get those charges taken care of or dismissed, all the other stuff would go away too.

  The sheriff’s deputy recognized Kevin, who was arrested and charged this time with manufacturing methamphetamines and having a weapon under disability (which means having guns when you’re not supposed to). Kevin shouldn’t count on divine providence bailing him out a second time.

  Source: Times-Recorder (Zanesville, OH)

  Tip 13

  Try Knocking first

  Vince” probably figured that no one was home in that nice Jackson, Mississippi, house he planned to burgle. After all, there was no car in the driveway. No car at the house means everyone’s gone, right?

  Vince parked his own car in the driveway, went up to the front door, kicked it, and peered through the crack the kicks had opened. At which point he saw the owner of the house, a professional security guard, pointing and shooting a .38-caliber revolver at him three times. So much for the whole “no cars = no people in the house” theory.

  It seems that being shot at and hit at least once turned his mind rather quickly from larceny to velocity. In all the confusion and gunfire, Vince fled so quickly that he quite forgot his still-running car parked in the driveway, a beautiful gift to the cops, for sure.

  Later Vince showed up at a local hospital, claiming he’d just been walking down the street minding his own bus
iness when a bullet came out of nowhere and whacked his finger. The cops, on the case after the homeowner called in the breaking and entering, chose not to buy the “mysterious bullet” theory and issued a warrant for his arrest. That’s what you get for sticking your nose—and head, and hands—into houses it doesn’t belong. Truly, a lesson for us all.

  Source: Clarion-Ledger (Jackson, MS)

  Tip 14

  Thou Shalt Not Steal—Especially From God

  Anyone who steals is definitely taking their chances. As the saying goes, there are no atheists in foxholes, so we bet that thieves can be a pretty pious lot at times too. Muttering a quick prayer right before a job might sway the Supreme Being to overlook a criminal act or two. So we can’t for the life of us figure out why these two dolts decided to make the Man Upstairs angry. If you’ve ever read the Old Testament, you know you wouldn’t like him when he’s angry.

  “Hugh” and “Drew” decided that stealing from a church would be a grand idea. The collections box at Chicago’s West Side Catholic Church seemed pretty easy pickings to them. In fact, they figured it’d be so easy they didn’t really need to hide their intentions. The two sauntered up to the locked collection box, laid out their church-money-stealing tools, and then went right to work.

  But in this case, not only was God watching, but so was Father Matt Foley. Since the church had been robbed before, the priest had seen fit to put a video surveillance camera on the contribution box. On seeing the sinners, Father Foley rushed out to confront them and attempted to take away their tools. Hugh, not to be dissuaded from his prize by a priest proclaimed to all and sundry that he had a knife. Father Foley, less than impressed, grabbed the man, got him in a half-nelson, and had him kissing ground in no time flat. And that’s where the cops, summoned by parishioners, found Foley and Hugh (they later captured Drew). Turns out that Father Foley, although a man of peace by calling, had grown up with six siblings. That’ll teach you to fight, all right.

  Father Foley served notice that he’d be ready to wrestle the next would-be thief to the ground as well, and told reporters, “No one steals from God.” At least, not in his church.

  Source: cbs2chicago.com

  Tip 15

  Keep It Down

  How many people does it take to rob a pizza delivery guy? In Springfield, Massachusetts, the answer is apparently six because that’s how many miscreants popped up to rob the Pizza Works delivery guy of his cash and about $45 worth of food and sodas. They had called in the order to a neutral location, set on the poor delivery guy, and then headed to parts unknown.

  Just not unknown for long. One of the robbers dropped a scarf at the robbery scene, which provided a clue for Springfield’s K9 crew. The dogs sniffed a trail back to a building down the road. But the real clue that the robbers were inside came not from the dogs, but from the robbers themselves in a second-story apartment, who could be heard arguing—loudly—about how to split up the take. This is just one reason why getting six people in on a pizza robbery isn’t very smart: six people have enough problems just splitting a pizza, let alone a pizza robbery. Two of the guys then left the apartment and walked out of the door still arguing about the loot, which made it nice and easy for the cops, who were just standing there, to arrest them. They found in the apartment: money, a gun, and food matching the order called in for the robbery.

  “We’re just happy that these guys are dumber and greedier than we are,” said Springfield Police Capt. William J. Noonan. Not to mention louder.

  Source: Court TV

  The Annals of Ill-Advised Television

  Today’s Episode: Cop Rock

  Starring in this Episode: Ronny Cox and Paul McCrane

  Debut Episode: September 26, 1990, on ABC

  The Pitch: It’s just like Hill Street Blues, except that every few minutes everyone bursts into song. No, really; creator Steven Bochco got the idea for the series when it was suggested that his previous hit series Hill Street Blues should be made into a Broadway musical. He passed on that idea (which is kind of a shame) and ran with this instead.

  It Seemed Like a Good Idea at the Time Because: Well, because Steven Bochco, at the time, had a fabulous track record in creating popular, quirky series like L.A. Law, and Doogie Howser, M.D. It also probably helped that noted songwriter Randy Newman was signed on to write some of the series’ songs, including the theme song “Under the Gun.” If anyone could make the idea of a musical cop drama work, it was these two.

  In Reality: Surprise! Not even these two could make it work. ABC, in hock to the show to the tune of nearly $2 million an episode (a record for the time), tried advertising the show in movie theaters; the trailer got snickers and boos. Viewers were appalled from the first episode, which featured a courtroom scene in which the jury sang “He’s Guilty” to the defendant as if it were a gospel choir.

  How Long Did It Last? Eleven episodes, with the final one (entitled “Bang the Potts Slowly”) airing the night after Christmas. In an interesting bit of irony, more than a decade later musical numbers in TV series became all the rage, the most famous example being the celebrated “Once More With Feeling” episode of Buffy, The Vampire Slayer. It should be noted, however, that with the exception of The Simpsons (which can get away with anything), no network show since Cop Rock has made musical numbers a persistent, recurring feature.

  Were Those Responsible Punished? Not so much. Bochco rebounded quickly with NYPD Blue, a traditional-if-racy cop show begun in 1993 that is still running as of this writing. Star Paul McCrane also chucked the music for a several-season stint on ER, while Ronny Cox went back into character acting in films and television. Randy Newman, of course, made oodles writing sardonic songs for Pixar films and even nabbed an Oscar for Monsters, Inc. We’re still waiting for our Hill Street Blues Broadway musical, by the way.

  CHAPTER 19

  Travel Travails

  A wise man once said that no matter where you go, there you are. But a wise man also said that some times the journey is the destination. Combine these two sayings and it explains why it seems like you end up spending most of your life in an airport terminal. Now, we’re not wise, but we do know this much: when one travels hundreds or even thousands of miles, each mile is an opportunity to do something really dumb. So celebrate the folks in the following stories for taking the initiative and crafting a dumb experience we all can share.

  Naptime at 36,000 Feet

  Let’s begin by noting that the very best time for a commercial airline pilot to take a nap is sometime when he or she is not actually in the air. It’s just a crazy little thing we’ve got going, but when we entrust our lives to a human being piloting a multiton conveyance carrying ourselves and a couple hundred other people six miles above the surface of the planet and supported only by a nice stiff breeze, we prefer that human to be conscious for most—indeed, all—of that trip.

  Having said that, pilots who feel the compelling need to get a little shut-eye mid-flight are nevertheless well advised not to take the example of “Hiro,” a pilot for the Japanese All Nippon Airlines. Hiro was piloting eighty passengers from Tokyo to the city of Ube when he decided that it would be a fine time to studiously examine the inside of his eyelids. The autopilot was on, and his copilot appeared sufficiently alert, so, you know, why not?

  One compelling reason why not: the official from Japan’s Transportation Ministry, on board for a routine inspection, might view a dozing pilot as an issue for the airline. The official noticed the pilot slumbering and made mention of it to the copilot, who nudged the pilot awake. A few minutes later, the pilot was out again. This time his copilot, politeness be damned, actually did yell at him.

  Hiro was grounded pending an investigation, and we suspect a fair number of Japanese started boarding flights with extra capsules of the Japanese version of No-Doz. As a gift for the pilot. Just in case.

  Source: Sapa-AP

  Things Not to Leave in Your Rental Car

  People leave lots of stuff in rental
cars: partially eaten food, umbrellas, books, the occasional stuffed animal or a CD still stuffed in the in-dash player. But eighty-eight bags of heroin? Yeah, that’s a new one on us.

  And apparently a new one to the employees of Enterprise Rent-a-Car in Langhorne, Pennsylvania, who found the bags of the narcotic hidden under a layer of napkins (so that’s why the driver forgot them). Wisely, the employees did not use their discovery as seed capital for an ill-advised career switch into drug running, but instead called the police; in addition to the heroin, the employees also handed over something that they figured might come in handy in helping the cops track down the drugs’ owner: the guy’s wallet. Yes, our guy left behind his wallet and eighty-eight bags of heroin. Man, that’s one forgetful dude.

  The cops called “Jerry,” the alleged drug-transporting wallet-leaver, and posing as lowlifes, offered to exchange the drugs for $300. Jerry agreed. When he showed up to take delivery, he was arrested and charged with possession of a controlled substance with intent to deliver.

  Ironically, Jerry had been released from prison just a few months before. What was he in the slammer for? Heroin distribution. Dumb people never learn.