by Zi'ere
“No. I’m fine.”
I look him in the eyes.
“You keep on saying that you’re fine but you’re losing weight. Jai says that you can have another seizure at any time. That’s serious business, Kam.”
“I just need to get my rest, that’s all. I will be shiny new before you know it.”
“I’m praying for you, Sweetheart. We all need our accountant strong and on her feet.”
He smiles, as he gets up from the side of the bed.
“I’m going to let myself out. Make sure that you are getting rest. And like I said, I need to know before you head home.”
I nod my head for my response. I then fall back onto the pillows that are propped behind me. I have been receiving a million and one text messages and phone calls, all saying the same things.
When just saying the words, I can feel that he means them. I have a storm brewing in deep within my heart and invading my brain. I’ve never needed the affirmation from a man in the past to boost up my morale. It feels as if I need to hear every word that he says.
A train wreck is going on inside of my body on top of the storm, I am beginning to feel all different kinds of ways about Gavin. The knight in shining armor that I saw at first has quickly turned into a man who’s unable to keep all of these balls in the air. His situation is too much for me to handle. I am unsure of how I am going to handle my feelings or the situation.
I am always grateful whenever Jai is home, she is a perfect distraction. She will lie beside me in bed and we will talk, as if we are sixteen all over again. It is during one of these times that she tells me that I have missed the memorial service for my mom.
Jai is the executor of all my personal affairs and so she carried out Carla’s wishes down to the very last detail. The beautiful urn, which holds the stranger’s remains, now sits above the fireplace in the new house. Jai took a picture of the set up and then texted it to me the very same day of the small service.
The chic never told me about the particulars, so imagine my surprise when I logged in to my checking account online. As Carla’s only child, I am left with an estate that amounts to over three point five million dollars after everything has been liquidated. The grandfather that I never knew left her a portion of his Texas oil brand.
“THAT HEIFER! JAI! JAI! JAI!” I scream loud throughout the house.
When she comes into the room, she snatches the iPad from my hands.
“Why in the hell didn’t you tell me about this?”
I lay accusing eyes on her.
Carla is gone, so I have to take my frustrations out on somebody.
“I didn’t think that it was my place to tell you,” She says, matter of factly.
“She allowed me to struggle all of this time, barely making it from month to month and she’s been sitting on this much money the whole time?”
I can’t even believe my eyes and ears.
“Kam, calm your ass down before you have another seizure!”
“How could a mother do something like that to her child?”
“We’ve had this conversation a million times, Girl. You can never understand the heart or the mind of another person.”
“But to your own daughter? I just can’t see it.”
“The signs have been there the whole time. You just chose not to see them.”
“What does that mean?”
“Carla sent you to that hoity-toity ass boarding school. You graduated high school and college early. How much do you think that it costs to send a kid to boarding school?”
She shuts me up and I begin to think back. She is right, I’d missed it.
I spend another week with Jai before I find my way back to my lonely castle. I have to get into the house in order to get money aside for the crew. Broderick says that he needs three point five million.
The way that I have things set up, it only takes about ten minutes for me to make sure that the count is right. By this time, I have over twelve million dollars of Pain’s money in our basement. In a month, I have only spent a little over five thousand dollars on myself.
This realization motivates me to make some moves that will benefit me in the future. That is necessary in order for me to maintain the lifestyle, in which I have grown so accustomed to. I set aside the total amount, tuition for myself out of Pain’s money. I feel as if he owes me that much in storage and safe keeping fees alone. He hasn’t worked in over a month but he is still being paid.
55
When Broderick calls to check in on me tonight, I have a request ready when he questions if I need anything. That has become the norm between us at the end of our conversations.
“Wait, I do need you to do one thing for me . . . That is if you aren’t too busy- a small favor.”
“What it is, Ma?”
“I need for you to find a truck for my girl, NaNa. Her car was totaled in the accident and I want to do something really nice for her because she is behind me in anything that I do.”
“Vehicles are my ssspecialityyyy, Ma!”
“I know!” I smile.
“I’m just going to give you a blank check. She needs a 2014 something- Yukon, Cadi, Suburban . . . You know. She has a gang of kids, so she needs something roomy.”
“No need for a check, I’ve got you. We will talk about the numbers later. Sleep well and we will do this again tomorrow . . . You know.”
“Yes sir, I’m on it.”
I am going to rest true enough but I am about bettering myself. I can’t sit still for too long.
I head back to my palace, with nothing but time on my hands. To occupy even more of my time, I register to get my doctorate in psychology. Starting classes without the stress of bills is an awesome feeling. I’ve handled things in the past but this feeling is like a drug. Buying textbooks on sight and not on the window shopping side is the best feeling ever.
I am motivated beyond the moon to have something positive to occupy my time. Going through the trouble of starting classes, the day after I sign up is an adrenaline rush. I am printing out my syllabus when the doorbell begins to ring.
I check the security cameras before I even go to the door. I am shocked beyond belief to see Mrs. Brown standing on my welcome mat, while peeping out her surroundings.
“Hi, Mrs. Emma…is everything okay?”
“Yes and no. That’s why I’m here, Dear.”
I open up the door to give her access to the home that lust and pain has bought.
“Your home is very nice and it looks so inviting. This explains a lot.”
“Can I offer you something to drink?”
“No, Sweetheart. I only have a few minutes to spare before I have to be back on nursing duty.”
“Is Gavin doing okay?”
“No Kam, actually he is not. That is why I am here.”
“Okay, I’m listening.”
“He has lost his way Kam and we need for you to pull him back this way before things get too out of hand. Since he’s lost you, he hasn’t been the same. Against my wishes, he has had one of the boys to bring him by here. From what they tell me, he’s never asked them to stop and knock.
He’s my son and he takes care of so many people, but he had you to care for him in ways that none of us ever could. He needs you Kam. He is too stubborn to admit it. Can you please come by the house and talk to him?”
“I’m giving him the space to do what he has to do with and for his kids. That is what is important right now.”
“He’s depressed. My grandbabies don’t need to see him like he is. I promise you that there will be no drama with Tiffani. She isn’t even allowed within fifty feet of my home.”
I look at her straight in the eyes for the truth in her words.
“Got the restraining order this morning.”
Can someone tell me how big of an ass do you have to act to make your kids grandmother take out a restraining order on your ass? Fuck that taser they told me to get, I’m so thankful for that pistol!
�
�A restraining order?”
“She’s pushed me for the last time!”
“She put her hands on you?”
My slanted eyes have to be wide as saucers.
“Hell naw, Kam! I got this before I have to put my hands on her!”
I breathe a sigh of relief. I’m not ready to be a full time mom of five kids just yet. Tiffani’s ass is gonna be like a mistake on a math quiz . . . Erased for a better answer.
Emma leaves my home, just as quietly as she came. I finish going over my homework chart before I change into a cute velour sweat suit, along with a pair of red bottom, high top spiked sneakers.
Getting to know Gavin every day, whether I set eyes on him or not makes me pack an overnight bag with clothes for the next workday. I lock down the fort and then I hop into the new truck that he had delivered for me, when he returned the Benz.
Not talking to each other hasn’t changed anything between us on the business end. The utilities bills are always paid before I can even log in online to pay them. Clothing still arrives at the house, via UPS or FedEx. The lawn is manicured, when it grows an inch. Cars are still being switched up regularly. And every Wednesday, I still get roses delivered to the office.
I’m not saying that I don’t believe Emma, but I am however having a hard time picturing Gavin being depressed. Picture frames of him chilling in a recliner high as hell and going ham on the QVC network is working well for me. My heart misses him. My thighs even miss him. What doesn’t miss him is my brain.
I can return every material thing that he’s ever given to me. I am no longer looking for a means to an end. I have the means to do Kamille some good. He is going to have to get the news at some point. Tonight is as good as any other.
He is going to be bombarded with information, the same way that I was. It is only fair that he feel pain just like I have. No car, bag, or shoe can take the place of the child that I have lost. It is time that he knows.
Gavin is a complete train wreck. He has not been shaved, no haircut, not even a lineup. The large room he occupies is complete with a hospital bed that he still can’t get out of alone. I had no idea that the hospital would discharge him with so many needs that still have to be met medically. I turn the corner and freeze in disbelief. He looks up when he detects movement in the doorway. I’ve never seen a man cry in my entire life.
56
“Kamille?”
He winces in pain when I hug him. He unbuttons the pajama shirt that he has on and then he points to the open wound on his chest, which is packed with sterile bandaging. It only takes a second for me to start crying too.
“I’m here now, Baby.”
Gavin pulls me over into the bed. No words, just pulling on my arms and shirt. I have to sit up on my knees to help him turn on his side. When he is comfortable, he pulls me down to lie beside him. Still with no words, we stare into each other’s eyes.
“We had a baby Gavin.”
“Had?”
“I lost it the same day that the window incident happened with the car.”
“In the accident?”
“Yes.”
“I’m so sorry.”
“It is hard but I’m pushing through it.”
“All the fighting with me, the women, the new position….it is too much,” he whispers to me.
“I signed up for it all though, Gavin. I chose to be with you, even though I didn’t know about everything that is involved with being in your world. It’s my fault. I take full responsibility for that”
“Were you going to keep it?”
“Our baby?”
“Yeah.”
“I’m young but a lot of things have changed since you have come into my life.”
“I know, Babe. But did you want to be the mother of my seed?”
“I’ve never wanted anything more.”
“So there is no other man?”
“Never! You’ve always been the only one. You know that.”
“You’re going to ride with me?”
“I’ve been riding and trusting you to keep me safe from the start. I’ve never questioned you. Babe you know that too, so stop playing.”
“Mufu’s gotta ask, can’t be assuming shit nowadays.”
“Mufu’s got twelve million dollars in my basement right now. Assume my position on that!”
The man is pushing me to the edge.
Money is the last thing on his mind.
“I’m sorry for doubting you. It’s just that Tiff was here and you weren’t. Talk is talk but then it came true. She said that her bills were behind and I wouldn’t give her what she asked for. I told her that I didn’t have it.
She asked where the money is because she hasn’t seen it here. Then when she found out I was still taking care of your house, bills, and sending you flowers and not giving her anything-she flipped out.
My mom has had enough of her shit and she kicked her out. My dad is the only ally that she has left because of the kids. But he isn’t about to start sleeping at a hotel alone on the account of her.”
“So . . . I’m here by default?”
“You’re here because this is what is meant to be.”
“But you were willing to see how far she would go with you? If she had been genuine, I wouldn’t be here?”
“You would be here- don’t trip, Kam. Things worked out the way that they are supposed to.”
I roll my eyes at him. His phone starts singing. My eyebrow goes up and he avoids my eyes. The phone stops singing.
“I’m in love with you. If she didn’t know before, she knows it now. Everything is good.”
“All she knows is that you’re not caking her anymore.”
“To her, that’s all that matters and I told her that you’ve never asked me for a stick of gum, even if your breath was stinking!”
I giggle.
“Can we try again for another little white girl?”
“Oh, so you got jokes today! Guess who’s in love with a white girl, though?”
He laughs a little. I can tell by his eyes that the chuckle has hurt him. I feel bad for him.
“Gavin you need stability in your life. You have a family somewhere else already…How many households are you going to finance?”
“All I have is one and that’s why ole girl is mad.”
“I start my doctorate program tomorrow.”
His phone starts to sing again. It is a different ringtone from the first one and he acts as if he is deaf.
“Damn! You just finished school, Kamille!”
Here is the Pain that people told me about.
“Why is being educated such a bad thing to you?”
“Because it cuts into my time with you!”
“Stop being so damned spoiled and selfish! I have never asked you to stop being the man that you are because of the negative factors that I have to deal with. Do you think that I dreamed my man would be in the streets heavy? It’s not like I’m on the damn pole! I just want to go to fuckin school!”
“So what I’m hearing is that a degree means no baby for real?”
One slip up was enough. We have five kids to take care of already. Now he is going to purposely go after a sixth?
“I’m not doing anything to prevent it. So if a baby happens, then it is meant for us. Enough said- end of story- no need to say another damn word.”
“Yeah, you do need to get back in school because I am not feeling all of this cussing that you’re doing now.”
I raise an eyebrow at him. His phone starts ringing again with the same ringtone as the first time.
“Are you going to keep ignoring that? Seems like someone wants to get in contact with you…..”
“Nothing matters but you. Everything and anyone else don’t even matter right now.”
“Don’t even matter Gavin- the correct verbiage is doesn’t even matter.”
“I’m sure they know by now that they don’t even matter. Ni- what about that?”
He smiles at me.
> It is the first time that I’ve seen him smile since he left the house that morning before he was shot. My heart melts. As much as everything is getting to me, working my nerves and stressing me out- seeing him with another woman would kill me.
57
Gavin sweet talks me for the rest of the night. The more that we talk, the more I realize that telling him about my new found wealth isn’t a good idea. Part of what makes us clique is that he is my provider and protector. He’s already professed and proven that.
If I take that away from him, then he will feel helpless. I give him a sponge bath and then I change the dressings on his wound, under his instruction. By the time that he is clean, the soul food that he craves is now being delivered.
As we feast on bar-b-que ribs and all of the fixings, we have a good conversation, as if near fatal devastation hasn’t been knocking on our door. There is no leaving him tonight, just as I suspected. It doesn’t matter. He has a smile on his face and that is all the reason that I need to convince me to stay.
The next day by the time that I leave the office Gavin has moved into the house with me. He isn’t too happy about having his big homie to baby sit him during the day but he doesn’t have a choice in the matter. He wanted to leave his mom’s house and he already knows that I work during the day.
During the week I’ve interviewed several women who lack sex appeal during my breaks at work, in order to serve as a sitter for him during the day. I’m not very experienced with the opposite sex. But there is no way that I am going to set myself up for any kind of negative situation while I am away from the house.
Just to spite the manly, handsome, and smooth Gavin, I hire a fierce “Judy” by the name of Roman. I don’t bother defending my position of choosing a man before I let a woman float through my house every day.
“You think you’re slick, huh?” He questions me, when Roman comes to pick up the house keys.
“I’m not slick but I am smart as hell though!”
I wink at him and then I walk off.
Even though I am going to change, I catch the beginnings of the men’s conversation.
