by Zi'ere
“Now you damn well that ain’t no woman fixing to hire a damn Halle Berry to be your fuckin nurse! Get the fuck outta here, Mufucka!”
Stymy’s deep throated laugh travels throughout the house.
“Yea, she got me! Her ass is hella smart!”
I hear them both laugh.
Got damn right, Kamille is a lot of things! But one thing she is not, is a damn fool!
I am on my way to the kitchen to get a snack when the doorbell rings. From the back to back rings, I know exactly who it is, while Stymy and Pain are thinking of their warrants. I open up the door and see a white Suburban XL with a hot pink bow sitting on the top of it.
The tails of the ribbon flow down to the concrete. Broderick has come through for me and I am happy. To my surprise, Quanna is not smiling, instead she is crying.
“Kam, I can’t take this from you?”
“What do you mean? I bought it for you!”
“You lost your baby and was laid up for weeks because of my reckless driving. How can I associate happiness with that?”
“NaNa, you have to change your way of thinking.”
I hold her in a sideways hug, as I walk her back to her new gift.
“The way that I look at it, God has my life already mapped out. If it was meant for me to have that baby, the God that I serve would have allowed for it to happen. Had I not had the first seizure, I wouldn’t have known that I had that gene in my body. God forbid I could have had one in this house all by myself….”
I dry her eyes.
“Your car was totaled, not to mention the fact that I can’t stand to look at that thing ever again!”
“Girl, that Caprice was faithful to me!”
“This is going to be faithful to you too!”
“Ain’t nobody ever did anything like this for me, Kam.”
“When I didn’t have- you helped me get.”
“I’m saying though, I showed you how to do that- you made it work.”
“And this is payment for the classes that you taught. Appreciation is what it is. That’s all I’m doing for you, Love.”
I manage to get half of a grin out of her finally.
“MY MAIN BISH FROM DAY ONE DONE BOUGHT HER MUTHAFUCKIN GIRL A BRAND NEW TRUCK ON THEM HOES IN THE STREET! WHAT! WHAT! WHAT! LOOK AT YOU! LOOK AT YOU, LOOKING ALL SHINY AND BRAND NEW! PHUCK YOUR BISH! MINES LOOK BETTER, SMELL BETTER, AND HUSTLES HARDER! THANK YOU, BABY BOOOOO!”
Despite the fact that my girl is acting a fool, she is still crying.
For the first time in my life, I am seeing hard –as-nails-cause-I-gots-to- be-Quanna show real and raw emotion. I stand in the heat as long as I can take it, checking out her perfect truck that Broderick has picked out.
A little while later my girl is on her way home or to stunt, turning blocks in the hood. My heart feels good because although she doesn’t know it yet, she is getting a new house as well. I am in the same subdivision as Jai.
And with all of the money that I have come into, there is no reason that NaNa can’t live hood as well. I have found a cute home for her, that isn’t too far from the baller status meter. And it definitely isn’t too close to neighbors, so she and the kids can live a brand new kind of life.
When I lock the door behind me, I think back to the conversation that I had with Broderick about the truck. All this time and he’s still never said anything about payment. But I know that I can’t go back in there to ask him how much I owe him in front of Pain.
I go into my office to get some work done, pay some bills, and fool around on the internet. But before I can get started, I send Broderick a text.
Me: ‘my gurl luvs her ride’
Broderick: ‘shid I heard’
Me: ‘lol’
Broderick: ‘she gud peeps tho, she on ur team heavy’
Me: ‘where’s my bill?’
Broderick: ‘paid in full already’
Me: ‘what! How?’
Broderick: ‘you worry 2 much’
Me: ‘tomorrow I’m gonna need an invoice’
Broderick: ‘chill ma’
I’m not going to get anywhere with him through texts. I will have to talk to him one on one.
58
As soon as I move the wireless mouse on the pad, the screen lights up with Pain’s Face Book page. He’s obviously been talking to females, which doesn’t bother me but what does bother me are the pictures that he’s been sending and receiving via his inbox.
“WHAT IN THE HELL IS ALL THIS SHIT! PAIN, GET YOUR ASS IN HERE NOW!”
It isn’t long before I hear his three feet on the hardwood floors, now heading in my direction. When he makes it to the door, I am ready to get back in his shit for the second time today.
“So this is what you do when I’m at work? All on Face Book sending pics of your dick and receiving titties and ass shots in return? This is disrespectful, nasty, and foul! And I damn sure consider this shit as cheating!”
“Damn, Kam! Give me a second to say something!”
“What the fuck can you say to me? Your dick is right here!”
“Aye Pain, I’m gonna head on out man. I will check on you later, Homie.”
Broderick knows there is about to be a war and he doesn’t want to be a part of it.
“Yea, okay. I’ll holla at you later my dude.”
“Keep your muthafucking excuses to yourself. You want to look at porn all day…Then fine but get your own shit to do it on. All of these sex sites in the history and shit . . . It’s like you’ve been doing research!
I don’t want this filth on my computer . . . It will probably give me a damn virus anyway! If I send in an assignment with a virus then I can be kicked out of fucking school! This shit isn’t worth me losing what I’m working to get for my damn self!”
I am cold hearted and mean but I don’t give a damn.
“God don’t like ugly, Kam.”
“You need to apply the shit that you’re talking to your own life! Better yet, take all of the bass out of your voice when you’re talking to me right now!”
“Why are you going in like this?”
“Because . . . Since you know that God doesn’t like ugly, then you should know that God doesn’t like worshipping any other Gods either! When you stare at this filthy bullshit, you can bet that he is not pleased with you and your ugly ass ways!”
“You’re getting mean as hell!”
Gavin starts to walk away.
“You’re getting on my damn nerves and driving me to fucking hell!”
I have to let him know that he isn’t my favorite person at the moment either.
I don’t have a care in the world about how mean I have become. Pain has made me this way. The more time that I spent with him, the more that I realize that he is a huge flirt with any female. It doesn’t even matter who she is either.
From the chick working the drive -thru at McDonalds, to the women in the clique that are dating his men. I’m not sure if I have just gotten used to having my own space but now I am sharing my space. I used to be able to leave my things a certain way and then come back to them untouched.
I am seething in anger, as I put a password on my computer. It is easy for Pain to work my nerves and it is just as easy for Stymy to make me smile. While I am deep in work, he messages me.
Broderick: ‘tell me how you sitting on racks and ain’t spent nothing but tuition?’
Me: ‘my priorities are in order’
Broderick: ‘that’s wuts up’
Me: ‘thanks….I guess that is a compliment’
Broderick: ‘how old r u again?’
Me: *frowns*
Broderick: ‘c u at ur graduation ma’
Months pass with me solely taking care of Gavin with the help of Roman. He is still walking with a cane, yet he is on top of the world. He kisses me daily for picking him up from such a low place. I always make sure that he gets a shave and hair cut every week in our home.
We’ve become closer than ever, while enjoying each other to th
e fullest. I am working like a fool, still carrying on my duties with my God kids, homework, and taking care of him. Home life is finally getting better.
He seems to stay out of trouble or perhaps has gotten better at hiding his bullshit. One evening over dinner, I have a long list of questions to ask him. Some things aren’t really sitting too well with me.
“You had me get this big ass house yet the kids haven’t been here, nor have they ever spent the night yet. What’s up with that?”
“They’re mama is semi-retarded Kam and you know that.”
“I also know that you are their father. We have taken the steps to solidify our relationship. I’m not just some random chick that you are dating, I’m your fiancée.”
“I know, Babe. I understand all of that but we are the only ones that get that.”
“So you are cool not seeing your kids?”
“I see my kids.”
“When and how do you do that?”
“My dude drives me through, whenever they call me.”
I watch him shrug his shoulders, as if this information isn’t new to me.
58
Pain is the type of man that you have to do checks and balances with. I know that if I had not asked him about this, he never would have told me that he is visiting with the kids already. I have only seen the kids once. At the time, I couldn’t even interact with them because he and I were beefing at the time. I can’t understand this and the news hurts my feelings.
As time moves on, my man is starting to become more independent and ready to get out and let the world know that he is still on top. That’s when the confusion starts to radiate from Gavin’s actions, yet once again. I came home for the day, only to see a clean outfit laid out on the island in our bedroom closet. And it is waiting for him to jump into it.
He has just gotten a fresh cut today and looks like new money when he steps out of the shower stall.
“Hey, Babe.”
“What’s going on, Sir?”
“Nothing much, me and the fella’s are about to turn a few blocks and then step out for a minute.”
“Gavin, you still have dressings on your wounds. Your chest is still wide open to the white meat! I mean don’t get me wrong, you’ve come a long way but you still have a ways to go. Why would you want to be in the club when your wounds are exposed?”
“Kam, I can’t lie in the bed or on the couch . . . Not another minute. I’ve gotta get out this house. I just need to breathe for a minute.”
“I can understand that. Why don’t you let the fella’s come over and ya’ll chop it up down in the man cave down in the basement?”
“We haven’t gotten it set up right yet. That’s a project that I can start on next week and the next time we can do that.”
I try to calm my attitude.
“You know what, you’re a grown man. I can’t care more about you than you care about yourself. Especially, not when your mind is already made up, I’m not your mama.”
“Babe, everything is gone be good. Don’t worry so much.”
He leans in for a kiss but I’m not interested. Saying that I am upset is an understatement. He is willing to go limp his ass around in a club now but all I’ve been getting is lip service. I haven’t had my medicine in months. How long is a chic supposed to sleep next to a monster dick and not want a lil sum-sum?
I am in the kitchen pouring a glass of champagne, when he almost falls down the stairs while trying to walk in Jordan’s with a cane. I am salty. There is no reason to front. There was a time that he wouldn’t dare go out without me. In the past, being at the house and just cooling out by ourselves was enough.
I order my Friday night usual Chinese food and then sit down in front of the computer for a night of homework. Some things still remain the same. It is a little shy of four am when I heard the sounds of shuffling feet, coming into the bedroom. As much as he would have liked a different scenario, my eyes are wide open and I am sitting straight up in the bed. Glasses adorn my face, laptop in my lap, and fingers on the keyboard.
“Don’t trip Kam, I’m begging you. I’m hurting like hell. Can you please give me my pain pills please? I need something to wash them down with too!”
“All this whining you are coming in here with and claiming to be in pain . . . I won’t go upside your head about what time you decided to grace my presence. It doesn’t mean a damn thing to me right about now!”
“Aye, come on now with all of that hollering. Kamille? Kamille?”
“Since you are so independent, I know that you see those medicine bottles on your nightstand. You should have brought you something to drink up here when you came up. Since you’re able to do all of that and then some, all up in the club nowadays . . . You should be good with getting whatever it is you need independently.”
“Baby? For real, you gone do me like that?”
“You’re strong enough to get up in the club, so I know that you can carry a glass of juice!”
Nice Kamille is only available for the Gavin that makes big man decisions. This Gavin, who is wobbling around my bedroom is a clown only fit for the likes of Tiffani.
“You can stop trying to be something that you know you’re really not!”
I am handling business on the laptop. To Gavin, it looks as though I’m not worried about him in the slightest.
“I know what’s wrong with Big Daddy, Baby!”
He doesn’t necessarily smell like a smoked out club, which means that he’s been somewhere else as well.
Cheating while walking with a cane?
Can’t be my fiancé. My heart begins to skip several beats. He couldn’t have been out smashing or playing, if he needs that act right now. It takes him a minute but the same way that he got into his clothes with no help, he gets out of them the same way. I haven’t seen the one-eyed love whip in a while. There is a pulsing and throbbing sensation going on in between my thighs.
Damn! Are you breathing girl?
I have no idea what my man’s limitations are or what level that his endurance is on, he will have to guide this sex session. I don’t want to hurt him. I watch him lie down on the bed and then stretch out.
“Come on up here and let me taste my juices. That’s all that I need to wash these pills down. I know that you’re leaking already because you’re acting up!”
There is no reason to make the man beg. I have been without my medicine for far too long. There is no amount of screaming that will stop me from riding his face. I run my fingertips through the waves of his low fade, as he slurps and nibbles. I am holding on to his head and he is hanging onto my legs, locking me in place.
“Damn!” I can’t help but scream.
My thighs began to shake. I will not be able to walk for a few hours. As quick as I ride the line to the seashores of an orgasm, it isn’t even a minute later before he has me surfing again. The added pointer finger inside of me, curls at the tip, touching my g-spot, deep down inside. This is all that every woman wants in her life.
I understood that love can’t be equated with the passion that two people share in an orgasm but it is times like this that surely bring us closer. I know that a person can be deep inside of you and feeling everything you have, yet still not feel you enough to be with you on an everyday basis. We have something more than lust. Whatever it is, I can’t go without it. Forget needing air, water, and food to live. I need this pain to breathe.
59
After a nice Saturday spent getting couple’s massages and pedicures, the future Browns are living it up. I have a smile on my face and so does my man. The only problem that I have with the day is that Gavin’s phone keeps ringing continuously.
The kids call a lot but I’ve gotten hip to their different ringtones. My issue is with the two other tones, which are the very same songs that played the night that I spent at his mom’s house. They just keep on ringing back to back and once again he acts as if the calls are unimportant.
I can smell a foul man whenever one gets clos
e. Keith Foster has taught me that. When he makes the announcement at dinner that he is stepping out tonight with the fella’s, I could get salty but I decide not to be that way. There has to be trust in our relationship if it is going to work.
“That’s fine Babe but it had better not be four am when you put your key in the lock because you might not be able to turn that shit- that’s all I know!”
“What ever happened to my sweet, dainty, lady-like and respectful woman, who speaks beautiful words . . . The calming Kamille, who I fell in love with?”
“You, your baby mama, your parents, your crew, Face Book, and all the other bullshit that comes along with being with you has killed that female. You didn’t appreciate that woman, so you lost her.”
“That type of old bullshit ain’t even going down anymore. Everything that I need is right here at home with you.”
I assume that he thinks that his answer is going to appease me but I’m not the least bit flattered. He needs to get his life together or I will get it together for him. At the house, I am in the office doing homework, while he is upstairs getting fresh to death for a Saturday night boss style.
I creep upstairs to find his phone, while he is in the bathroom. The guilty man has taken it inside with him. He thinks that he is smart. I make my way back downstairs feeling defeated. When he shuffles into the doorway, I am caught off guard. He looks just like the old Gavin that stole my heart with a smile. My man is fine as hell. My thighs begin to ache.
“You look nice.”
“Thanks, Baby.”
“I think Sty’z is here. We are gone go ahead and roll out. I will set the alarm for you. You staying in tonight?”
“Umm, yeah. I’m gonna finish up my homework for the week and then get ready for church in the morning.”
“Ok Kid, don’t stay up too late.”
He thinks that he is doing something sweet. Instead of kissing me good bye like he usually does, he blows me a kiss from across the room.
This mufu thinks that I’m stupid!
I smile, as if I’m genuinely fine with the blazing cold shoulder that he is giving me. As much as I wanted to trip, I still don’t. I know that it would irritate me if every time I picked up my purse, I’m was getting interrogated about where it is that I am going. But then again, I have bodyguards, so he knows all of my moves anyway. I don’t like the way that the game is set up.
