by K E Osborn
“It’s done Aston. We’re done. Ella will stand by your side, and you can just forget all about me. Forget we were friends, forget our first kiss, forget our first time, just forget about me. It’s what’s best for both of us—”
“Bullshit,” he says and his head falls into his hands again. “This is fucking bullshit, Annie,” he says loudly, but he doesn’t yell. Aston has never yelled at me.
“It is what it is—”
“It is what it is? For fuck’s sake. I don’t… I can’t… fuck,” he says and he’s shaking his head in his hands.
It hurts me that he’s so upset over this, but I am doing him and me a favour. We can’t go on kidding ourselves. I’m not good enough and he lied to me, I can’t get past those two major obstacles in our road.
“Time will help. I just need time. Maybe we can be friends again at some stage, but us, as a couple was wrong.”
“It wasn’t wrong, Annie, we’re not wrong. I just wish you could see that. But time I can give you. If you need time, I’m happy to wait until you have your head sorted. Because that is what partners do, Annie. They don’t give up when it gets tough,” he says standing from the sofa and walking back over to me. “I can’t let you go, Annie. I won’t.”
I can see he is serious, but I can’t deal with this. “You have to Aston because I’m letting you go.”
His whole body slumps like he has been hit with a sledgehammer. His watering eyes flood and tears plop from his eyes and run down his face.
“Annie, baby, please, c’mon,” he says taking my hand in his. I move my other hand up to his cheek and wipe away the tears.
“Don’t cry for me, I’m not worth it.” I let go and slide away from him and walk toward the door.
“Annie you are, you’re worth everything,” he says but doesn’t try to stop me.
I turn back as I reach the door and look into his eyes. “Forget me, Aston… forget us. This was all a massive mistake.”
“Annie, don’t leave,” he says, looking at me pleading with his eyes for me to stay.
I swallow hard and turn away from him opening the door and walking out.
“Annie!” he calls out, but I don’t stop. I walk down the passage and toward the main cabin of the jet. My eyes fill with tears as I wrap my arms around myself trying to get at least some comfort. I quickly wipe the tears from my cheeks and sit down in my chair just as I hear the engines start to roar.
“You okay?” Ella asks rubbing my arm.
I look at her and bite my bottom lip and shake my head. I can’t stop the tears from falling. She leans across and wraps her arms around my shoulders and pulls me to her side and I cry gently into her shoulder all the way to Belfast.
We arrived in Ireland and I’m so tired I just want to sleep, but I know that’s not possible. I need to go to the hotel and settle in and then go to the Odyssey Arena and get ready for my first concert without Aston by my side. The jet took off and about thirty minutes later, Anna, Aston’s mum, went down to the office. I saw her look at me as she walked past, but she didn’t say anything. I wonder how much Aston has told her about us? She was always Team Astonie as she would refer to us. But I guess she will hate me now too. I just hope this doesn’t affect her and Mum’s relationship. I know they’re best friends, so hopefully I won’t cause a rift between them. Another ten minutes later and she walked out with Aston following her. She looked at me briefly as she passed and it was a look of complete and utter disappointment. Aston, on the other hand, looked terrible and even though he knew he was walking past me, he didn’t look at me at all.
From then on I knew he was done trying.
The show was great. We sounded amazing and the crowd loved us, but it was weird standing next to Caleb instead of Aston. I was watching him throughout the show and he wasn’t smiling or getting into the music like he normally does. Ella tried to make him smile, but it only worked for a second then he would go back to scowling. The pep talk before the show was short and I think everyone felt the tension. Aston didn’t stand next to me. He’s obviously giving me the space I need, which I didn’t expect. To be honest, I don’t know what I was expecting. I guess I thought that he would still want to be near me. Seems that’s the furthest from the truth.
Our show finishes, Mum is there to greet me as soon as I get off the stage. I still feel the buzz from being on stage and performing, but it isn’t the same.
“How’d we sound?” I ask as I pull my guitar off over my head.
“Perfect sweetheart, flawless actually,” she says and then looks over at Aston, who’s talking to his dad, Johnny.
I follow her line of sight and Aston looks up at me and Johnny looks over and then pats his back and leads him away from the backstage area. I swallow hard and take a deep breath.
“You were great honey, it didn’t show at all.”
I nod and smile, even though I feel like a complete pile of steaming shit.
“Can I go back to Dad’s green room, instead of Staked’s? I ask and Mum slumps her shoulders and looks at me tilting her head.
“Sweetheart, you can’t avoid him forever.”
“Okay, I just thought I would ask.”
“I know it’s hard, but if you feel so badly about it then maybe—”
“Mum don’t!” I interrupt and she gestures to zip her mouth shut as Dad walks over to us.
“Great show, Annie. You did good, considering,” he says and pulls me into a hug. “You’re stronger than you know, Annie. Not many people could handle a breakup and then go on stage and perform with their ex. I’m proud of you honey and I know with time, you’ll get your excitement back. I know it feels terrible right now, but it will get easier. If not we’ll kick Aston out of the band—”
“Colt, stop it!” Mum berates and I smile slightly at my Dad’s overprotective behaviour once again.
“He doesn’t have to leave the band, Dad. I can work through it. Plus, we’re starting to get a fan base. People love Staked the way we are. We can’t go changing just because I broke up with the bassist.”
“I knew I shouldn’t have let it get this far. I’m still not sure what Aston did, but if I find out and I don’t like it I won’t hold back Annie.”
“Colt, stop it! She doesn’t need your over-protective bullshit right now. And you need to get in the zone, so stop getting worked up and start getting fired up,” Mum says and Dad smiles.
“I like that, they would be good lyrics,” he says and then starts singing. “Stop getting worked up and start getting fired up,” to a new tune, I haven’t heard before. I smile at him and rush forward hugging him tightly.
“What’s this for?” he says leaning down and kissing my head.
“For always taking care of me, even if sometimes it’s over the top.”
“Colt, you ready to go?” Dingo asks and Dad lets me go and leans down kissing my forehead.
“Be strong, Annie,” Dad says and I nod. He smiles and leans in kissing Mum quickly and then walks over to strap on his guitar.
“I’m gonna head back to the room now,” I say to Mum and she raises an eyebrow.
“You don’t want to watch your dad?”
“Just kinda want to sit down and relax,” I reply and she looks back toward Dad and then back at me like she’s conflicted.
“Okay well, I’ll just wait here until your father goes on stage and then I’ll come and find you?”
“You can stay and watch Dad if you want. I’ll be fine.”
“Sweetheart, I think you need me more than your father does. Plus, I have seen so many shows of his, I’m sure he won’t mind if I miss one.”
I nod. “I’ll be in the green room,” I say and she smiles as I walk off.
I wrap my arms around myself for comfort. I feel alone right now, even though I’m in a stadium packed with thousands of people. I walk past some backstage workers and they all smile at me. I smile back to be nice, but I don’t mean it. I walk into the green room to see Ella and Caleb talking in the corner
, but other than them the room is empty. I walk over to the sofa and sit down at the back. I’m kind of out of the way and hidden behind a partition, so people walking in won’t be able to see me. And to be honest I really like that idea. It makes it so I can be alone for longer to think about things. Ella and Caleb start laughing and it pulls me from my daze to look over at them, they’re watching some YouTube video on his phone. I wish I had the energy to laugh. I hear some more laughing and I look toward the door to see Aston walk in with Amber from Red Velvet hanging off his arm.
What the fuck?
I sit up straighter, so I can see better and I watch as they walk in and sit on the sofa next to each other.
“Hey Amber, what are you doing here?” Caleb asks and I bite my bottom lip wondering the exact same thing.
“Red Velvet are taking a little break right now, so I thought I would follow you guys on tour. You and Slayed that is,” she says and I raise my eyebrow wondering why she would do that.
She’s still wearing those trashy leopard print pants and her hair is still dyed that flaming red colour. I look at her pale face and I cringe slightly at how flawless and beautiful she really is. She rests her hand on Aston’s knee and I tense up immediately. He doesn’t react to it, he doesn’t even seem to be concentrating. It’s like he’s in his own world.
“Well, it will be nice to have another girl around. There’s not a lot of us on tour, especially as Slayed and Recoil are all males,” Ella says and I huff.
Traitor!
They all start talking and seem to be having a good time, completely oblivious to the fact that I’m even here in the shadows. Aston joins in the conversation eventually and I sit cradling myself into a ball and wondering how I let all this happen. Why did I give in to Aston in the first place? If I didn’t do that, I wouldn’t be in this mess right now.
Mum walks in and looks around the room. “Where’s Annie?” she asks and Ella shrugs.
I stand up and step out from behind the partition and look over at her.
“Oh, there she is,” Mum says and everyone follows her line of sight toward me. Aston’s eyes flare open and he stands up abruptly letting Amber’s hand fall from his leg. He swallows hard and looks right at me.
“Didn’t even know you were in here, Annie,” Caleb says and I shrug.
“Guess, I wasn’t being very conspicuous,” I say and Aston shakes his head and turns walking out of the room. Amber gets up and follows him, and I shudder watching her chase after him.
“You okay, Annie? You look pale?” Mum says walking across to me.
“I’m okay, just want to go back to the hotel.”
“Okay sweetheart, let’s go.”
“But what about Dad?” I ask and she looks over at Caleb.
“I’ll let him know,” he says and Mum smiles at him.
“Thanks Caleb.” Mum walks with me wrapped in her arms toward the door.
“Can I stay, Mum?” Ella asks.
“Sure honey, just come back to the hotel with your father, okay?”
We walk out of the room and down the hallway.
“Talk to me, Annie, are you really okay?” she asks and I cuddle into her side tightly.
“I will be. It will just take some time, is all. Doesn’t help when Amber Leopard Print Pants is all over Aston,” I say and Mum chuckles.
“Sweetheart, I don’t think she was all over him, but it’s okay to be jealous. Just try not to let it upset you,” she says and I nod even though I know that this is only the beginning of Aston and Amber Leopard Print Pants.
Six months has past. Six months post Aston and I am completely miserable. Not even music lifts my spirits now. The colours are all wrong. Their dull and lifeless and the music notes don’t float like they used to. Instead they fall flat on the floor laying still and emotionless, just like how I feel. Since the tour started, each day has been worse than the previous. Aston and I don’t talk, we barely even look at each other. Well, I look at him and he doesn’t seem to notice. If this is what needs to be done, us being apart, then why the hell does it feel so utterly wrong? I don’t understand what is happening to me.
Mum and Dad are so worried and they’re not letting me out of their sight. We performed our last concert of the tour last night in Sydney, Australia and then flew home straight after at two in the morning. We landed in London at approximately three in the afternoon today, and we came straight home. I know as soon as we recover from the jet-lag, Mum is taking me to see this shrink. I’m not sure how I feel about that, but I guess my mood is so low that if she can help in some way then I am all for it.
I get up, I perform the songs we wrote together and then I sleep. That is what my life consists of right now. Everyone and everything are moving along beside me, but I feel like I’m stuck in a stationary position. My feet are buried in concrete and nothing can move me from the state I am in.
Aston tried to talk to me a couple of times after we landed in Belfast six months ago, but I avoided it and him. He soon got the message that I just wanted to be on my own. Ella tried to make me laugh whenever she could, but I know she’s given up on me too, preferring to hang out with Amber and the guys. Watching Amber and Aston together is like listening to nails on a chalkboard. It irritates me. I don’t know if they’re seeing each other or not, but she’s always hanging off him and he’s starting to laugh and smile more. I know because I’m always watching. I’m becoming one of those people in a band that always gets the bad rap. You know the ones they picture as the bad boy of the group, but in this case it’s the bad girl image.
The papers say that the band would be better without the moody, depressed lead guitarist. There’s speculation of drug use and they even said at one stage that Dad was using again and supplying me with the drugs. Dad wasn’t happy about that, and he’s trying so hard to make everyone see that I’m just a depressed teenager, but no one is listening. They’re making their own minds up about me, and really I don’t care. I don’t care about anything at the moment… not even music. And that was what I was worried about right from the start of this whole thing with Aston, that it would ruin my career. And slowly but surely, I think that’s exactly what’s happening.
I play the concerts and I play well, but if someone does something to upset me, I usually act first and think later. And that’s why I have this bad girl image. People say I’m a rude bitch. In interviews, I hardly talk and only give one-word answers and people don’t like that. I even had a bunch of minions accost me at a hotel because they think I’m no good for Staked. They said I had to quit the band or they’d boycott our sales. I told Dad and he said it was bullshit and that four girls couldn’t start a revolution. Plus, people love our music and so they don’t care if one band member is slightly different from the others, it’s what makes the band unique.
He was right. Sales for our album never dropped and if anything they got better. Rob is talking about organising a tour for us as the headline act next year. I’m not sure how I feel about it, but I go along with what everyone else wants. I just show up, do my thing and then spend as much time alone as possible. Mum talks to me every day to see how I am, and every day I tell her I’m fine, which is a lie of course. I’m drowning, and I wish I knew why? Being this way is not fun for me. I don’t like it, but I don’t know how to change it. I think about Aston all the time when I’m not with him. It’s like my heart is punishing me for making the right choice. And seeing Aston with Amber all the time is doing my head in. They’re always touching in some way. I’ve never seen them kiss or anything which is a relief, but I have no idea what they get up to when I’m not around.
One day she was literally hanging off him, so I went up to Ryan from Recoil, Danger’s best friend and was flirting with him right in front of Aston just to show him how it felt. It didn’t work because Amber came over right away and was basically smothering him. She wrapped herself around Aston so tightly it made my chest ache. Instead of making him jealous it made me jealous and I ended up walking of
f. I think Aston saw me walk away and I felt his eyes on me, but he didn’t follow.
I not only lost my boyfriend but also my best friend. Really my only friend and because of that I am an outcast. The poor little depressed girl that no one dares talk to in case she bites their head off. My anger issues have only gotten worse and I seem to fight with everyone these days. But when it comes to the band I take a back seat. I don’t help with the writing or any of the ideas or discussions on where Staked is going from here. I just agree to everything they say and do what I am supposed to do. I know I’m annoying Dad by not putting in as much effort as I used to, but really, why bother? The colour and fun in my music has died, just like my soul, and the last six months have been a hell I want a one-way ticket out of.
I’m lying in my own bed for the first time in six months. I know I’ve been here for hours and it’s so comfy, but I can’t sleep. Just like most nights I hardly sleep but instead lay awake thinking of all the good times I had with Aston. Why I punish myself like this, I’m not sure, but every night is the same. I roll over in my bed and look at my phone. It’s been so long since I messaged Aston and I miss him. I miss my best friend. I miss the good times and most of all I miss his smile. Even though I see him smiling all the time, it’s not the big bright smile I am used to. He seems to be coping with this so much better than me. It just proves my point that when he said he loved me, that it couldn’t have been true, because if it were then he would be a mess like me. But I know more than ever, that I’m not worthy of love from anyone. It’s obvious, I mean look at me. I’m a royal fuck up.
My door creaks open and I look up to see Mum peeking in. “Sorry, did I wake you?” she asks and I shake my head.
“No, come in.”
She comes in and shuts the door behind her. “Did you get any sleep?”
“Not really, maybe a couple of hours. What’s the time?”
“Nearly midday. Everyone is still sleeping, but I just wanted to check on you,” she says sitting down next to me.
