by K E Osborn
“I’m okay.”
“I want to talk to you about something. I know you’re not sold on the idea, but in a couple of days we have an appointment to see Dr. Ludwick in London. She is supposed to be the best in her field and I think she can help you, seeing as I can’t,” Mum says.
“It’s not that you can’t help me, Mum. I know you try and you do make me feel better, it’s just… I can’t shake these feelings deep inside me.”
“I know the feeling sweetheart, I had it when your father and I were apart. It’s horrible, and I know nothing I do or say will fix it, but I think you need some guidance from someone who doesn’t know you or Aston and can help. Maybe give you something to take so you feel a little better?”
I scrunch up my face. “What like an antidepressant or something?”
“I took them for a while and they help. They don’t fix anything, but they do help you feel differently, and I think you need some help finding the brightness in your life again Annie. I just want you to be happy and the last six months on this tour, I have watched you steadily decline and it’s heartbreaking. I just want my fun, energetic and bright Annie back. It’s not your fault she’s hiding away, it’s just your emotions are taking control over you, and that’s why I think Dr. Ludwick can help.”
“Okay, I don’t want to be like this anymore.”
“I know sweetheart, and we’re going to do everything in our power to help you.”
“Thanks Mum. I’m sorry I’m such a fuck up.”
“You’re not, nor have you ever been a fuck up, Annie. You’ve just lost your way a little, that’s all,” she says and I exhale. “I know it’s hard and the jet-lag sucks, but stay in bed for as long as you need to get some decent sleep.”
“Thanks Mum.”
“You’re welcome, now get some rest,” she says and stands up and walks out of my room.
Two days later, Mum took me to see Dr. Ludwick. We had a very in-depth discussion about my life so far, and everything that happened with Aston and how I’m feeling now. She made me take some written test, where I had to rate things on a number scale. She came back and said I had depression and she prescribed me some anti-depression medication which is what Mum had when she had her depression. I was hesitant to take them at first, but if they both think it will help then I am all for it. I left the session feeling lighter somehow that I had gotten everything that was on my chest off, and Mum helped when I was crying too much to speak. She helped fill in the blanks and told Dr. Ludwick my feelings about not being loved. She said that it was unfounded, and that people obviously love me, and that with some therapy hopefully she can change my mind about it all. I doubt it, but hopefully I can start to feel better.
Another six months has passed and it’s been just over a year since I broke it off with Aston. I have been going to counselling with Mum once a week since we got back from the tour. With a lot of convincing and some deep therapy, I’m starting to see that maybe even though my parents gave me up, that maybe there was another reason behind it that I hadn’t thought of. Like they were really poor and wanted a better life for me. Maybe the fact is, that they loved me enough to make sure I was well looked after and lived in a better environment than what they could have provided for me. Dr. Ludwick said not knowing the reason for my birth parents giving me up for adoption is probably what’s kicking this all off. I need to get my head around the fact that maybe not knowing is a good thing, and not to dwell on the fact that I don’t know them. I need to look more at the positives. Like the fact that I was given to my parents and that I have Ella as a sister. Without my birth parents giving me up, I would never have met these amazing people in my life that I am so grateful for.
The people that I lie to all the time, they think I am doing better. I am a little. I don’t feel as down as I did, and the tablets are helping with that. But what my parents don’t know, is that at night, I sneak out and head to parties in the town, mainly at the local pub. The bouncer knows me there, obviously because I am semi-famous. So he always leads me to the VIP section where I spend all night dancing and drinking and snogging random guy so I can feel that connection with someone, even if it’s only for a short amount of time.
Mum thinks the anti-depression medication is making me drowsy during the daytime, little does she know it’s more from a hangover than anything else. I know Aston and Amber have gotten closer, she’s always at our concerts when we have one which isn’t often, but we do have them occasionally. Aston still isn’t talking to me, and I don’t talk to him. I miss him so much, but I know the damage has been done between us. Even if I don’t trust him to tell me the truth, I still miss my best friend. I miss having someone I can talk to. I miss having him come over and being able to text or call and talk to him about useless gossip. The fact is, I’m nineteen now and I have only ever loved one man in my life and that is Aston. But every night, I take myself down to the local pub and get wasted, trying not to think about the night we made love on the sofa in Recoil’s green room.
I know Ella is sneaking out too. Sometimes we sneak out at the same time, but I don’t know who she goes to see. All I know is it must be a guy because she always gets dressed up, but I never see her at the VIP section in the pub.
Tonight is no different, I will sneak out and snog some random, who doesn’t know who I am and get drunk in the process. Then I’ll do it all over again the next night. Somehow, whenever I go out no one seems to know who I am. I guess because these people have seen me in this village my whole life and to them, I’m just the girl who lives in a big manor not some famous rock star. Which suits me fine, because if the tabloids found out what I was doing then that would ruin everything.
It’s been nine long and torturous months and now it’s February and today is Dad’s fiftieth birthday. We’re having a party at the manor and everyone is coming, which sucks because I won’t be able to sneak out tonight and head into town. I’ll have to stay at the party with people who hate me. Well, I don’t think anyone actually hates me, but everyone avoids me especially the Soulding clan.
Aston and his Mum especially. Johnny, his dad isn’t too bad, he’ll talk to me when he needs to, but it’s very rare these days. I just wish I had never given in to Aston, then all of this wouldn’t be happening. I know I’m the bad guy in all of this and I wish I could make it better, but I don’t know how to.
Dr. Ludwick is helping. Even though a part of me still thinks that no one could possibly love me, most of the time I think that maybe she is right and maybe Aston did actually love me when he said it. Maybe not everyone is a bad guy, and maybe it’s only me that’s standing in the way. But that doesn’t matter now anyway. Aston and I are truly over. We have been for over a year, nearly two, and nothing could bring us back together… of that, I am sure.
I walk outside to where the party area is set up and Sassy and Snaggy are running around with Jackson and Harley, Uncle Joseph and Danny’s kids. Well, they’re not really kids anymore, they’re in their teens too. They’re funny guys though, especially being raised by Uncle Joseph and Danny, those guys are a hoot. I walk into the gazebo area where Mum is setting up some decorations.
“Need a hand?” I ask and she looks back at me and smiles as she hangs the last lantern.
“Nope, all done. Now we just have to wait for everyone to arrive. Joseph and Danny have all the food ready to go and the music is rockin’ and yeah… I think, everything is ready. Now we just have to have a good night and make your father happy for his birthday. I can’t believe he is fifty. How on earth did we get so old?” she says and I chuckle.
“I know, you’re practically ancient,” I reply and she scoffs and throws a napkin at me.
“Okay well, I think we need to go and get ready. The guests will be here in about thirty minutes,” she says and I look down at my leather pants and flannelette shirt and frown.
“I am ready?”
She raises an eyebrow. “Annie, I love you and I love your sense of fashion, but you need to w
ear something a little… um… dressier than that,” she says and I purse my lips and look at the hole in my shirt.
“Okay fine, but I’m still wearing my combat boots.”
“I wouldn’t want it any other way,” she says and then we walk up to the manor to get changed.
Half an hour later my hair is curled, my makeup on and I actually feel good about myself. I have on a black dress and the differing coloured hair extensions through my hair, make me feel vibrant and fresh. I feel good for once, and maybe a party is just what I need. I don’t need an excuse to drink and dance tonight, I can do it here in my own home and no one will judge me for it.
I walk down the stairs and Ella comes out in a flaming pink strapless dress, she looks stunning.
“Wow Elle’s, you look great,” I say and she looks up at me and opens her eyes wide.
“Wow, so do you. This is the most dressed up I’ve seen you in months.” She wraps her arm around my waist as we head down the stairs. We get to the gazebo and the music is on already and there’s a couple of people here, mainly photographers and Uncle Hux, Macy and Caleb. Chad walks past us and wolf whistles. He has really grown into himself the last year and he’s all muscle and the scruffy look suits him well. He isn’t as buff as Aston, but he still looks good.
“Shut up you tool,” Ella says as he flicks her hair and jogs past us over to Caleb.
I smile and shake my head. “He’s in a good mood.”
“It’s a party Annie, everyone’s in a good mood.” She leads me over to the makeshift bar. There is standing heaters seeing as it’s freezing, but we’re having a hotter than usual month, even though it is in the colder time of the year. Having the party outside was probably not the best idea, but it’s nice and warm in the gazebo so it should be fine.
Another thirty minutes pass, as I drink a champagne and Ella sneaks one in too. I know Mum saw, but Dad is distracted with greeting all the people, so it’s safe to say I can let my hair down tonight. I notice Anna and Johnny walk in, so I automatically search for Aston, but I can’t see him anywhere.
Ella notices me watching and hands me another champagne. “Here drink this, it will take the edge off.”
I know I’m not really supposed to drink much with the depression medication, but I’ve been doing it nearly every night and I’m okay. Just really tired in the mornings is all. I look toward the entrance of the gazebo again and then I see Aston. He looks so good in his jeans and button down shirt accompanied by a leather jacket. My heart starts to race and butterflies dance in my stomach, just like they do every time I see him. He looks incredible and I lick my lips at how gorgeous he is.
Then I see her. Amber Leopard Print Pants is hanging off his arm.
I’ve never seen them together outside of a concert before. Her stunning, blazing red hair falls beautifully down her pale naked back and her gorgeous face lights up the dimly lit gazebo making me feel less than adequate. I take another sip of my champagne as Ella wraps her arm around my shoulders.
Amber moves her hand into Aston’s and they look at each other. My heart pounds ferociously in my chest. I feel sick and watching him smile at her like he used to smile at me and it’s making my head hurt. She leans in closer to him and he doesn’t move back. I open my eyes wide as I see her lean in and kiss him on the lips. He kisses her back and it’s like time stops and they’re in slow motion kissing right in front of me.
I can’t breathe.
I actually can’t breathe!
They pull apart and he’s smiling at her as she wipes her flaming red lipstick from his mouth. I clutch at my chest as it tightens so tight my eyes start to water. I move to put my champagne on the bar, but it misses and falls to the floor. Luckily it’s grass so it doesn’t break, but the liquid spills everywhere and I can’t help but think my heart is spilling all over the ground with it.
“Annie,” Ella says as I look at her.
“I can’t,” is all I can say before I turn and run out of the gazebo.
She doesn’t follow me as I run straight down the back of the yard toward the place I always felt closest to Aston. I make it to the Willow tree just in time to sob into my hands.
He’s done!
He’s finally moved on without me.
I guess I knew this day would come.
It’s been over a year and a half, well more like twenty-one long, painful, disastrous months since I broke up with him. It was bound to happen. I guess I just didn’t think it would hurt this much. I sit down and lean my back against the tree and cry hard into my hands. The party is far enough away that people won’t know I am here. Well, except for Ella. She definitely would’ve guessed where I’ve gone. It would be either here or my room.
This place used to mean so much to me, now it’s the place I come to think of Aston and all the good times we shared and what I’ve lost. I sometimes wondered if he still loved me like I think he might have? But seeing him kiss Amber tells me everything I need to know. I have lost him for good. No amount of time or distance can mend the rift between us now.
This can’t be fixed.
We can’t be fixed.
Not now.
My heart is pounding as the hot salty tears fly down my face in rapid succession. My breathing is shallow and rushed, and I’m pretty sure I’m shaking. I never knew I could hurt this bad. Seeing his lips on someone else literally broke my heart. It’s like a freight train slammed right into my chest obliterating my heart into the tiniest of tiny pieces only to be run over by the spinning wheels of doom. My heart can’t beat anymore because it was beating for him and now his heart beats for her. And I am the reason he is gone. I am the reason he no longer even looks at me. I am the reason I’m utterly alone and he’s living life the way any rock star should. He and Amber Leopard Print Pants will make wonderfully gorgeous babies. Their wedding will be headline news – ‘The Bassist from the Up and Coming Band – Staked. Marries Lead Singer of Red Velvet.’
What a perfect match.
I can see it now.
Being splashed in my face like an ice cold bucket of depressing water. I have done this. I lost him, and I am the only one to blame for this. But if one thing is to come of it, I hope he’s happy with her. I hope he loves her and I hope she loves him back equally.
I hope they…
Oh, who am I kidding? I don’t want him happy with her! I want him happy with me. I have been blind all this time, and with the therapy it’s making me see that he could have loved me and he just might have. I know I loved him, but I pushed him away before we even began. I’ll be twenty in two months, and that’s twenty years I have known Aston. Nineteen of which, we were best friends and one year of which we were a couple. And I threw all of that away because I was scared and wasn’t thinking straight. I threw away something special in my life and now I can never get him back.
I sit under the tree wrapping my arms around myself trying to stop the cold from seeping into my soul. But it’s too late. I’m bitterly cold inside and out, and not just from the winter weather. My crying has subsided and I’m pretty sure I don’t have any makeup left on my face from me scrubbing at it too hard to get the tears away. But I don’t really care what I look like right now. I look up and see someone walking toward me. I’m pretty sure it’s Ella, but it’s hard to see with the fading light and my blurry vision.
“Annie?” she calls out and I wipe my cheeks one last time.
“Yep,” I answer as she walks up to me.
“Dad’s looking for you… Wait, have you been crying?”
“Doesn’t even matter,” I say standing up dusting my arse off.
“Annie, it does matter. Is this because of Amber?”
I nod. “I guess I knew he would move on eventually. I just didn’t think it would hurt so much, you know?”
“Well, I’m sorry you’re upset. I know it must be hard, but Annie you’ve been snogging guys for the last year. Why is it different if Aston kisses someone?”
“I guess, even though I was k
issing all those guys, every time I did it I was thinking of Aston. Now I know that when he kisses Amber, he’s only thinking about her.”
“If you love him, Annie, why’d you let him go?”
“Because my brain wasn’t functioning normally. I did love him, I think I still do. But I’m all kinds of fucked up and he’s better without a head case like me.”
“You’re not a head case. You’re trying to work things out and I think you’re finally starting to see clearly,” she says and takes my hand in hers. “C’mon, let’s go back to the party before Dad sends out a search party for you.”
“Do I look terrible?”
She smiles and wipes under my eyes removing some mascara runs. “Barely noticeable,” she says and I know that means I look like shit.
I half-smile and we walk back to the gazebo. Moving inside I see everyone sitting down ready for the dinner to come out. Luckily Aston and Amber are seated at a different table to us, I don’t think I could have handled that. But as it is they’re sitting directly in front of me and I can see them perfectly.
“You okay Annie?” Dad asks as I sit down opposite him.
I nod and take my seat. The waiters come around with our first course and as always it looks delicious. I move my fork around in the food and take small bites, but I really don’t have an appetite at the moment. I can’t stop staring at Aston and the way he keeps laughing with Amber. Chad is making jokes, and making everyone at that table laugh. My table is pretty much just family. Mum, Dad, Ella, Uncle Hux, Caleb, Macy, Nanny and Grandma and Grand Daddy. It’s nice to have the whole family together. I know even though we live five minutes from Grandma and Grand Daddy, we don’t see them very often, so it’s nice to have them here. And Mum is always happy when they’re around, even though they are both in their early eighties now. Nanny or Dad’s mum isn’t around much either, but Dad loves it when she’s here and he dotes on her hand and foot. Uncle Hux loves it too, you can tell they’ve been through a lot together.
