by Noelle Adams
She hated that feeling. Hated that he would even think that—when she was so far from wanting to hurt him. “Nothing’s wrong with it. I’m sorry if I’m saying this wrong. I have a bad habit of just saying what’s in my head, whether it makes sense or not.”
He shifted a little so he was on his side and they could look each other in the eye in the darkened room. “It’s not a bad habit. In fact, it’s really…I want you to say what’s on your mind. I’m just not sure what you mean.”
She let out a relieved breath when she saw his expression was natural. “I don’t know if I even mean anything, really. Just that I never would have expected to be here, like this. It’s just not how I imagined my life. I guess a lot of women live waiting for this, but I never did. So now it’s sometimes hard to wrap my head around it. But I like it. A lot.” Realizing she’d rambled on and maybe said too much, she backpedaled a little. “I mean, it’s better than I was thinking it would be. It’s strange, but…but kind of good.”
He smiled just a little. “It’s better than I was thinking it would be too.”
She let out another long exhale, relaxing as she realized she hadn’t bumbled them into a misunderstanding. “Is it ever strange for you too?”
He gave a little shrug. “Yeah, I guess it is. I was thinking I’d never get married again, so sometimes I wake up and go through this moment of realization as I remember I’m not alone—I mean, as I remember I’m married.”
“I do that too. And I guess maybe it’s even stranger for you, since you were married before.”
“I don’t know.” His eyes were sober, even in the dark. “Being with you is completely different from being with Michaela.”
He didn’t talk about his ex-wife much, so Lydia’s breath caught in her throat. She murmured, “In what way?”
“In every way. Being with you feels different in every way. It’s a different kind of marriage—and it was from the very beginning.”
Of course it was, Lydia realized. He’d been in love with Michaela, and he wasn’t in love with her. Naturally, it would feel completely different. She felt irrationally deflated, but she fought against the feeling. It was silly to dwell on things like that.
“But I think it’s working out pretty well,” she said, holding onto the hope she’d been feeling earlier. “I think we can really make this work.”
“I think so too.”
She smiled at him. “And I’ll try not to blurt out random things I think about.”
He chuckled and reached out to stroke her hair back from her face in an oddly tender gesture. “No, I don’t want you to hold things back.”
“You have no idea what you’re asking for,” she said, her voice tinged with laughter. “I think a lot of crazy, random things.”
“Well, go ahead and tell me them. I want to know what you’re thinking and feeling. I never knew…with Michaela, I didn’t know what she was…”
Lydia’s breath caught again, and the laughter dissipated immediately as she realized he was trying to say something hard. She prompted as gently as she could, “You didn’t know what she was thinking?”
“No. I had no idea. She acted like everything was perfectly fine in our marriage, right up to the day she walked out the door.”
Lydia froze for a moment, trying to process the words that still lingered in the silent air between them. “You never fought or anything?” she asked at last.
“We never fought. Ever. I’m not saying I did everything right. I made plenty of mistakes. And maybe I should have realized how unhappy she was becoming. But I didn’t know. I didn’t see it. She never told me. She put on this mask of being a content wife and mother, and I believed it. And then I was blindsided when she walked out. And sometimes I’m…” He trailed off, his voice rough with emotion.
“You’re what?”
“Sometimes I’m scared it’s going to happen again.”
Lydia sucked in a sharp breath. “It’s not. Gabe, I’m committed to this marriage. I thought you knew—”
“I do know. But things happen anyway.”
“I know they do. But I’ll tell you if I’m unhappy. I promise I will. I’ve always basically said what I thought, and I pretty much suck at hiding my feelings anyway.”
He was almost smiling again. “I’m glad. That you suck at hiding your feelings, I mean.”
She giggled, feeling better, like they were really understanding each other. “I guess that’s why you’re always asking me if everything is okay.”
“I didn’t realize I did that, but, yes, it probably is. If something is worrying you, I want you to tell me.”
“I will. I’ll tell you. But I’m pretty sure that, if something is really bothering me, you’ll know.”
His smile broadened, and he pulled her back against him, so she was pressed up against his side, his arm surrounding her.
And she felt good. Really good. Really close to him.
Like this marriage was more than it really was.
She wasn’t going to lie to him, but she also wasn’t going to lie to herself. So, after several minutes, she stretched against him and pressed a soft kiss on his jaw. “I’m going to bed, I guess.”
Better not to start to indulge in silly thoughts, if she could possibly help it. And distance seemed wiser at the moment.
“You don’t have to,” he said, loosening his arm with what felt like reluctance.
“Thank you. But I think I will.”
She went back to her room and went to bed alone, still wishing she didn’t have to.
Nine
A week later, Lydia was hiding a smile at the way Gabe looked as he waited for his coffee to brew on a Friday morning.
His hair was sticking straight up on end, and his t-shirt was on inside-out. He desperately needed to shave, and he was glaring at the one-cup brewer, as if he could will the coffee to stream into the cup faster.
She’d gone to his room every night for a week except last night, when she’d started to worry about how hard it was to leave and go to her own room after they’d had sex. She was starting to feel too dependent, less in control than she was used to, so she’d stayed in her own room last night.
She hadn’t slept very well, and it didn’t look like Gabe had either, if his grumpy expression was anything to go by.
But, unlike her, Gabe was kind of cute when he was in a grouchy mood.
“What are you laughing at?” he muttered, without even turning to look at her.
“I’m not laughing.” They’d gotten up at roughly the same time, so she was now leaning against the counter, waiting for her turn with the coffee pot. “What are you talking about?”
He turned to check her face. “It feels like you’re laughing.”
“What happened to your hair last night?” she asked, feeling oddly tender. Without thinking, she stepped over and reached up to smooth down his hair. It just sprang back up when she pulled away her hand.
“Your hair doesn’t look entirely neat itself.” As if in retaliation, he reached over to touch her messy hair, but there was a new warmth in his eyes that she liked.
“Well, mine is at least responding to gravity.” She was smiling up at him now as he stepped in toward her, trapping her against the counter. “Why are you in a bad mood this morning?”
“I’m not in a bad mood.” He’d planted his hands on the edge of the counter on either side of her.
“Well, you were until I laughed at your hair.” She was getting a little breathless at his proximity. She’d lain in bed a long time last night, thinking about him. She hadn’t really thought that sex would ever be a major part of her life, but her body was definitely getting used to it and didn’t appreciate the fast from it last night.
He leaned in even closer. “You said you weren’t laughing.”
“Maybe I was laughing a little.”
“Why didn’t you come to my room last night?” His voice was low and thick, and his eyes took on that sultry look she loved.
Her
breath hitched. “I…don’t know. Were you waiting for me?”
“I thought you might come.”
“You could have come to my room, you know.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, you’re allowed to initiate, if you want.” Her body was shivering now, and she was starting to wonder if it was appropriate to have sex at 6:15 in the morning—from time to time.
“I didn’t want to apply any undue pressure,” he murmured, his lips glancing briefly against hers.
Her body was responding quickly to the tension she sensed in his and to the heat in his eyes, but she managed to arch her eyebrows. “And what exactly constitutes undue pressure?”
“Maybe me showing up in your bedroom at night with a raging hard-on.”
She choked on a burst of amusement and wrapped her arms around him. She’d had no idea three months ago that he was so funny and smart and surprisingly sensitive.
He was a very good husband to have.
And maybe it didn’t really matter that she was growing accustomed to having sex with him, being with him in other ways too. He was her husband, after all, and this marriage was working out a lot better than she’d ever imagined.
“So should I come to your room tonight?” he asked, brushing his lips against hers again. He tasted faintly like coffee.
“If you want to.”
“I want you to want it too.”
“If I don’t want it, I’ll send you away.” She couldn’t seem to stop smiling.
For the first time that morning, his lips turned up in an answering smile as he kissed her. When she tightened her arms around him, the kiss grew deeper. She arched her body into his as she was swept with waves of pleasure—more emotional than physical now.
He made a soft, husky noise in his throat when they were jarred from the embrace by a voice coming from the entrance to the kitchen. “Dad.”
Both of them jerked, and Gabe turned his head abruptly, still imprisoning Lydia with his arms. “Good morning, Ellie,” he said after a moment of orienting himself.
“What are you doing?”
What they were doing should have been self-evident, but Lydia figured the question was more an accusation that a genuine inquiry. Ellie didn’t look happy at all as she stood, fully dressed and with her hair in a ponytail, glaring at them.
“We were talking,” Gabe said, managing to sound mostly natural. “You’re up early.”
“I woke up.”
“Are you ready for breakfast?”
“Yes, please.”
“Okay.” Gabe turned back to Lydia, a faint wryness in his expression, causing her to smile in response. He’d been getting into the kiss but not so much that it was a real problem for him to pull away from her body. “Do you want eggs or cereal?”
“Cereal, please.”
While he went over to the cupboard, Lydia stuck her cup under the coffee maker and hit the brew button. “What do you want to do today, Ellie?” she asked.
“I want to go Christmas shopping.”
“Oh, that would be fun. I’ve got to do some shopping too. I can take you, if you want.”
“I want Dad to take me.”
“I can’t, pumpkin. I have a lot of work I need to do today.” Gabe had returned to his coffee and emptied half of it in three long gulps, the box of cereal in his hand.
Ellie frowned. “But I wanted to go shopping with you.”
“You can go with Aunt Lydia instead.”
“We can go to that big bookstore in Dalton if you want. We can find some good presents there.” Lydia tried to make her voice sound bright. She’d been getting along better with the girl for the last week, but she was still pretty sure Ellie would be just as happy not to have her around.
Ellie sighed. “Okay.”
Gabe walked over and ruffled his daughter’s hair. “Well, you don’t need to sound so excited about it. If you don’t want to go happily, then you can stay at home and not go at all.”
The girl’s face adjusted, as if she’d realized that her disapproval wasn’t going to get her dad to change his mind. “No, I’ll go.”
“What do you say?”
“Thank you,” Ellie said, looking up at Lydia.
Lydia sighed. “You’re welcome.” She was actually happy to take the girl shopping, since she felt more comfortable around her now than she used to. But she hated the feeling that she’d somehow gotten the girl in trouble with her dad.
It still kind of felt like they were a family, and she was just hanging out with them.
And that feeling bothered her a lot more than it used to.
***
The shopping trip actually went well. Once Ellie was in the car, she perked up, and they spent the forty-minute drive talking about the book series that Lydia was now almost through reading.
They went to the bookstore first and spent an hour looking through the children’s section and then another half-hour having hot chocolate and cinnamon rolls in the attached café.
They went to the mall afterwards and visited a big department store and a kids’ clothes boutique, looking for a couple of cute Christmas sweaters for Ellie and a pretty Christmas dress for her to wear.
Everything went well until Ellie decided that she wanted to buy her dad a tie with books on it.
It all went downhill from there.
It was late in the afternoon before they finally got home. Ellie was crying, and Lydia was nearly in tears herself.
“Look,” she said softly, hoping to calm Ellie down before Gabe emerged from his office. She held her phone down to Ellie. “I found this really nice tie with books on it online, and we can order it and have it here in two days. Isn’t this what you were looking for?”
Lydia knew it was what the girl had been looking for, but just like before it didn’t seem to satisfy her. Her cheeks streamed with tears. “I said we should keep looking.”
“We’d looked at every store in the mall, and I called the rest of them in the county. We wouldn’t have been able to find it.” Her voice cracked—since she was both frustrated and upset. “Let me just order this for you and—”
“No,” Ellie interrupted with a scowl. “I don’t want it.”
“Ellie.” Gabe’s voice snapped from down the hall. “You know better than to talk that way.”
The girl jerked, obviously taken aback by her dad’s presence.
Lydia, on the other hand, felt a deep wave of relief.
“Go up to your room. I’ll be there in a few minutes.” Gabe looked at her sternly.
Ellie ducked her head and ran upstairs with a little whimper.
Lydia smothered a groan and dropped the shopping bags on the floor.
“What happened?” Gabe asked, stepping closer to her.
“I don’t even know. She wanted a certain tie for you for Christmas, and they just didn’t have it at any stores at the mall. She got so upset about it. I wasn’t sure what to do.”
Gabe’s eyebrows drew together, and he put an arm around her. Lydia slumped against him gratefully, feeling a little guilty for wanting his support so much but not about to turn it down.
“Are you okay?” he murmured, stroking her hair.
She exhaled, her cheek against his shoulder. “Yeah, I’m fine. It’s just upsetting when she was so upset and nothing I did seemed to help.”
“I don’t know why she was so upset about something like that. She doesn’t usually make a big deal about such little things. Was she talking to you the whole time the way I heard just now?”
Lydia was relaxing, feeling better, responding to his warmth and his strength. “It wasn’t that big a deal.”
“Lydia.” There was a warning in his voice, and he raised her head to meet her eyes. “Tell me the truth.”
“She was really upset. She wasn’t thinking about how she was talking. Don’t be too hard on her.”
“I’m not going to be too hard on her, but I can’t let her behave that way.”
“I know. But
she’s had a rough time.” Lydia dropped her eyes briefly, feeling uncharacteristically self-conscious. “With the marriage and all. She’s had a rough time.”
Gabe’s expression changed. “Has she been behaving this way with you before?”
Lydia shook her head. “No. Not like this. She hasn’t…I mean, she’s been having trouble adjusting, but it’s normal. I need to be patient. I know I need to be patient.”
“What do you need to be patient about? Why the hell didn’t you tell me you’d been having trouble with her? You said you would tell me if you were unhappy about anything. You said you would tell me the truth.”
He looked hurt as well as annoyed, and Lydia felt suddenly guilty. He was right. She should have told him. She’d been keeping it from him, and that was just wrong. However small, it was a betrayal of his trust.
“I know,” she said, her voice cracking. “I’m sorry. But I haven’t been unhappy. It’s really not that big a deal.”
“But you’ve been having trouble with her.”
“I haven’t. I mean, we’ve been doing as well as can be expected. I’m certainly not going to go whining to you about not getting enough warm-fuzzies. It’s getting better. She’s a good kid, and it’s getting better.”
“Damn it, Lydia.” He turned his head, breathing heavily, obviously thinking. “I wish you would have told me. I could have helped.”
“How, exactly?”
“I could have talked to Ellie.”
“And then she might have acted differently but not felt differently. We can’t force her to like me, Gabe. It’s going to take time.”
“I thought she was liking you. I thought…” He drifted off, looking away from her again. He felt strangely vulnerable in a way she just wasn’t used to.
“I think she likes me more now than she did. I’m trying to be patient.” She gave Gabe a ghost of a smile, wanting him to be himself again. “You know how hard that is for me.”
He returned her smile with a tilt of his lips. “I do.”
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. I shouldn’t have held it back. At first, I just didn’t want to complain, and then I didn’t want you to worry. But I should have told you. I’m really sorry.”
