The Suck Stops Here

by Kristen Painter

  Marcus’s voice rang out. “If I could have your attention.”

  They all turned. He was standing in front of the fireplace, which put Fitzhugh at the very back of the room, a detail that Donna was childish enough to enjoy. The podium had been moved inside as well.

  Marcus gestured to his left. “This is Walter St. Simons, Artemis’s attorney. He will now read the will as directed by Artemis’s instructions.”

  The man looked about a thousand years old but seemed human. Or maybe he was something else Donna didn’t know about. She was still no good at figuring out what kind of supernatural people were.

  Papers in hand, he approached the podium and set them down, then pulled out a pair of reading glasses, cleared his throat, and began to read.

  “I, Artemis, daughter of Zenos, do hereby swear that I am of solid mind and body at the time of this document’s formation. If you are listening to this being read, I am no longer with you, something you should be well aware of, having just attended my memorial service.”

  Donna wanted to smile. Artemis was one of a kind.

  “My death has left a vacancy. The throne must be assigned a new leader, someone to guide the North American vampire nation as I have done all these years. To that end, I would very much like to posthumously endorse one of you.”

  That caused a little stir, and some turned heads. Donna was surprised Fitzhugh hadn’t whooped out loud.

  St. Simons continued. “My successor must be smart, a clever thinker, and a problem solver. They must also be decisive and sure of themselves. They should also understand how to balance the needs of the heart with the thoughts of the head. Therefore, I have devised a test, and whoever passes it shall have my endorsement.”

  Fitzhugh elbowed his way closer to the front. No surprise there.

  “Hidden within the boundaries of my estate is a stash of gold coins. Each one collected throughout the years of my life. But the coins are not important. Finding them is. Whichever vampire does that shall not only have my endorsement as the next to take the throne, but they shall inherit this entire estate and all the other worldly possessions and holdings I leave behind, save that which has been set aside for my loyal staff.”

  Donna glanced at Charlie. “Can she pick her own successor like that?”

  Charlie nodded. “She can endorse whomever she likes. Doesn’t mean it’ll be the final word, but the council will definitely consider whoever it is.”

  “Mary and Joseph, that’s not good.” Not if Fitzhugh found those coins. She looked at him. She could practically see the drool hanging off his chin.

  St. Simons cleared his throat again, seemingly oblivious to the dropped jaws and shocked stares facing him. “There are two rules. You must leave everything as you find it. And you have until the sun rises. If the coins remain unfound, there will be no endorsement. When the gong in the great hall is struck in a few minutes, the search will begin. If and when the gong is struck again, the coins have been found, delivered to myself or Marcus for verification, and the search is over. Happy hunting.”

  For a moment, time stood still. No one moved. There was barely a sound or breath to be heard.

  Then something snapped, and chaos reigned. Vampires and their staff went in every direction at speeds that defied human viewing.

  Donna remained where she was. To their credit, none of her staff or friends moved either. Bunni looked at the door but somehow found the wherewithal not to make a break for it. Maybe she realized that getting a nod for queen meant taking seriously a job that was way above her pay grade.

  Francesca hadn’t gone anywhere either, but that was understandable. She was already the queen of Mexico. She probably wasn’t interested in becoming queen of North America. She raised her brows as she looked at Donna. “You’re still here.”

  Donna nodded. “Because I like to think first, then react.” She swallowed down the little bit of anger she felt at Artemis for throwing them all into a mess like this. “But don’t worry, I will. As soon as that gong sounds.”

  Temo’s face brightened. “Does that mean we’re going hunting for those coins, boss?”

  Donna narrowed her eyes. “If for no other reason than to keep Fitzhugh from finding them, yes. We are.”

  Back in the living room of the guesthouse, where everyone except for Donna had changed and reassembled, they did their best to map out a plan. No doubt the same thing all the other vampires were doing with their staff. Groups of people would be scouring the grounds as soon as the gong sounded.

  Donna stood, too antsy to sit, just like she’d been too antsy to change. “Who’s got an idea about where we should start?”

  Francine pressed her hands together under her chin and smiled. “Honey, I just want to say I think you’re doing a fantastic job. My only suggestion is we need to think like Artemis.”

  “Thanks, Francine. And good point. She had centuries of experience to draw on. And who knows how long she planned this?”

  “We need teams, boss,” Temo said. “Then we can take the estate section by section and focus more.”

  Donna nodded. “I totally agree. The estate is a hundred and twenty acres, however. That’s a lot of ground to cover even in groups. Harper, you did some research on this place. Any ideas? The clock is ticking. That gong could go off at any moment.”

  “Artemis may have planned this for a while, but the estate was only built in the seventies,” Harper offered.

  “Fifty years is still a long time to figure out the perfect hiding place. And since she had this place built, there could be all kinds of hidden spots in that house we know nothing about. My husband had one in his office that came as a surprise to me, and I was married to the man.”

  Pierce was standing by the windows. “I don’t think it’s in the house. Or the main house. Artemis came from a time when secret stashes were buried. Besides, the house would be too easy. That’s just what my gut is telling me.”

  “I’d agree with that,” Neo said. “The house definitely seems too easy when there’s one hundred and twenty acres of forest and open ground to make use of. Not saying it isn’t possible, but who knows what else is on this property? There could be an old well or a cave. And then there’s that underground bunker.”

  Donna nodded. “Another good point, although I don’t think Kansas has caves. Maybe it does. No idea.”

  Neo made a little face. “Yeah, no clue. The only caves I know are subway tunnels.”

  “But the idea that she’d hide this stash outside is growing on me. It really feels like the grounds should be our priority. Even so, I still want a team in the house. We’d be foolish to ignore it. Besides, if none of us are there, it’ll seem like we know something everyone else doesn’t. It’ll arouse suspicion. At least with Fitzhugh, and the last thing we want is him shadowing us.”

  That earned her a lot of nods.

  She looked toward her First Fangs Club friends. “Bunni and Francine, will you take the house? That might seem a little less exciting, but think of it as the perfect opportunity to explore every nook and cranny of that mansion.”

  “Yeah,” Bunni said. “I’m down for a little snooping in that Gucci crib. Plus, no bugs. Cool with me.”

  Francine looped her arm through Bunni’s. “We’ll turn that place upside down. In the most civilized way possible, of course.”

  Donna smiled.

  Hector raised his hand. “I wouldn’t mind having a look around that place myself.”

  “Even better. The three of you are on the house, then.” Chances were Bunni and Francine would be too busy oohing and aahing over the decorating to pay close attention. Well, Bunni would be. But having Hector along was still a great idea. He could watch out for them in case anyone tried to sabotage their hunt. Anything was possible with the throne on the line.

  Donna looked at Kace next. “How’s your night vision?”

  “Excellent. What do you have in mind?”

  “How about a little aerial recon? I really don’t know what you
might find, but any advantage would be welcome at this point.”

  He grinned. “Been a while since I stretched my wings. I’m on it. And who knows? Maybe I’ll find a big X marking the spot.”

  Donna laughed. “Wouldn’t that be something? Thank you.” If only it turned out to be that easy. “Okay, besides the house and the air patrol, we’ll do three more outside teams. I want to divide the property into three sections—left, right, and center.”

  Harper nodded. “That’s a great plan, because it is sort of rectangular. I can send the survey I found to everyone’s phone as a reference. I’ll just need everyone’s number.”

  “Send it to me,” Charlie said. “I’ll start a group text so we can all stay in touch.”

  Donna loved how well they were all working together. “Perfect. Let’s break up like this: Neo and Temo take left. Charlie, Pierce, and Cammie take center. Lastly, Will, Harper, and I will take the right. Use any abilities, gifts, or secret-stash-finding powers you have. We cannot let Fitzhugh win this.”

  Pierce finally turned away from the windows to look at her, a dark shadow lagging behind his movements ever so slightly. “Does that mean you’ve decided to accept the nomination for queen?”

  She had been hoping no one would ask her that, but it was inevitable. She shook her head slowly. “I still don’t want or think I’m ready for the job. It just means I’ve decided Fitzhugh can’t win. Under no circumstances. Having Artemis’s endorsement would be too much. He’d never let anyone forget it, even if he didn’t become king. And if he did…I can’t imagine how miserable our lives would become.”

  “You really should take the job,” Cammie said softly. “I know you don’t think you’re ready, but I’d bet every person in this room would argue that you are.”

  They all nodded. And it seemed some of them were gearing up to give more reasons why she should accept.

  She held her hands up. “Please. I don’t want to talk about this now. The clock is ticking, and we have over a hundred acres and a huge house to search. Charlie, can you get that group text going? I want to make sure everyone’s got it before we head out. We need to be able to communicate easily. If anyone finds anything promising, please share it. You never know when one clue might lead to another.”

  “Sure.” Charlie pulled her phone out and started tapping away. A minute later, she lifted her head as everyone’s phone buzzed, chimed, or beeped. “Okay, everyone should have Harper’s survey of the property.”

  “Thanks,” Donna said as she checked her phone. “If anyone doesn’t have it, please let Charlie know.”

  But everyone did.

  “All right, then,” Donna said. “Let’s get into position, ready to hunt when we hear the gong.”

  They all got up and paired off with their teammates.

  Will and Harper approached. “We just need to grab our coats, and we’re ready when you are.”

  “And I need to change into something better suited for traipsing through the woods. I’ll meet you at the front door in just a few minutes.” With that, she went to her bedroom, put on jeans, a thick, long-sleeved T-shirt, then layered a simple leather jacket and scarf over it. She pulled on a little knit cap that came down over the tips of her ears. She finished up with her new lug-soled boots and a pair of thin leather gloves, which didn’t add a whole lot of warmth but would at least protect her hands if she had to move anything prickly out of her way.

  She’d touched stinging nettles as a kid, and it wasn’t something she’d ever forget. Granted, she probably wouldn’t react the same way as a vampire, but she wasn’t in the mood to test that supposition.

  Will and Harper were waiting when she came out. Will opened the door, and they were off. In the distance, they saw other groups walking the property. Any of them might be Fitzhugh. Her pulse picked up a little at the urgency of what lay before them.

  They stood there for another four or five minutes until the deep, clear clang of the gong boomed through the night air.

  Will nodded toward the far property line, which was reasonably easy to see in the moonlight thanks to the iron stakes that bordered the estate and formed part of the fae defense system. “Let’s start at the edge and work our way in.”

  “Sounds good.” Donna’s breaths puffed out in frosty little clouds. She stuck her hands in her pockets and kept her eyes on her surroundings as they walked.

  “I wish we knew how small or large a cache we’re talking about,” Harper said. “A little sack? A shoebox? Or a pirate’s chest?”

  Will pulled a bandanna from his pocket and tied it around his head like a biker. “Artemis was old. If she took a coin from every decade she lived in? That’s at least a shoebox. Every century? More like a small sack. We have no way of knowing.”

  Harper nodded. “I suppose the only way we’ll know is if someone finds it.”

  The ratcheting sound from earlier started up again as they approached the tree line.

  “The magpies are curious about us,” Will said. “You know they can mimic almost any sound? They’re very smart birds. Considered one of the most intelligent, actually.”

  “I’m surprised you don’t have one as a pet,” Donna said.

  He smiled. “Not sure that’s the best idea with all the cats we have around.”

  “Yeah, probably not.” That made her think about the rest of his family. “How are Daisy and Regina doing holding things down on their own?”

  “Busy,” Harper answered. “But they’re doing good.”

  “I’m glad to hear it,” Donna said. When this search was over, she was going to text Penina to see if there was any news from the Wellman Towers, although Donna imagined if there was, the young woman would have let her know. Or at least Charlie.

  They entered the forested area, and the available moonlight seemed to diminish by half, even with most of the trees being bare. Didn’t hurt Donna’s ability to see, not with her supernatural vampire vision.

  “Hang on,” Will said.

  Donna stopped, and as she did, Harper paused, then lifted her head, eyes closed.

  She stretched her arms out and took a deep breath. A few more, and she opened her eyes again to look at Donna and her father. “There’s magic here, but it’s very faint. If the coins are here, they’ve been hidden the old-fashioned way and not by using any kind of spell.”

  Then she reached out to the nearest tree and knocked on it. The tree seemed to shiver, and a small, translucent creature stepped out. He looked sort of like a garden gnome. “What do you want?”

  “Pardon me, good sir. I was just wondering if the nymphs know of any coins that might have been hidden nearby?”

  He frowned and shook his head. “I can’t help you with that.” Then he slipped back into the tree.

  “What was that?” Donna asked.

  “Wood nymph. Obviously, one of the crankier ones. I might have woken him up.” Harper shrugged. “It was worth a shot.”

  “Yes, it was.” Donna glanced around. The woods were quiet. Which was odd. “I expected to see people out here looking.”

  “I’m sure they will be,” Will said. “But you came with a much larger contingent than most. Even vampires can only be in one place at a time.”

  She nodded. “I suppose that’s true. But Fitzhugh had at least two with him. Well, one vampire, one human donor.”

  “And I’m sure they’re both out searching different areas. Although maybe they aren’t. Maybe a lot of people are focused on the house,” Harper said.

  A small surge of panic went through Donna. “I hope checking the grounds isn’t a bad idea.”

  Will shook his head. “Doesn’t feel that way to me.”

  Harper lifted one shoulder. “You could send a text to the group. See if anyone’s seen Fitzhugh or his people, find out where they’re searching. Or if anyone’s gotten hot in the house.”

  “I’ll wait a little bit. We’ve only just started. And knowing Francine, she’ll give me a heads-up if she sees him or suspects someone
else is getting close.” Donna sighed. The forest seemed enormous. “Once again, I don’t know where to begin. If Artemis buried a sack of coins out here, I have no idea how we’re supposed to find them. The ground is covered with a layer of leaves and debris.”

  “She wouldn’t make it impossible,” Will said. “But I do think she’d make it tricky enough that it would require clever thinking to figure it out. Like, if we expect it to be buried, it won’t be. Maybe they’re up in a tree.”

  “Or hanging off a branch,” Harper said. “Or under a rock.”

  Donna nodded. “That’s not bad, actually. Maybe we should look for interestingly shaped rocks. Or trees growing in a strange way. Or grouped curiously. Artemis might have thought something like that was clever.”

  “Agreed. We should also spread out,” Will said. “Outstretched arms’ length between us, then start walking. Like a police search.”

  Donna smiled. “You know about those, do you?”

  He laughed. “In my youth? More than I’m willing to talk about. At least in front of my daughter.”

  Harper snorted. “Like I don’t already know.”

  Smiling, they spaced themselves apart and started slowly proceeding through the forest. It wasn’t always a straight path, and Donna made sure to scan the whole area before her for anything out of the ordinary or even just slightly interesting.

  Leaves crunched underfoot. Some of them glistened with ice crystals. Donna kept her hands in her pockets.

  A few minutes in, their phones all vibrated simultaneously. Donna pulled hers out and checked the screen, holding her breath for whatever news they’d just received.

  But the message was a selfie from Bunni wearing a wide lapis and gold collar necklace that looked vaguely Egyptian with the caption, I’m your queen now.

  “Well,” Will said. “That seems inappropriate.”

  Donna growled in frustration. “I should have known better than to let her go.” She fired off a private text to Bunni. Do that again, and you’re benched. Understand? You’re supposed to be finding A’s stash, not new Instagram material.