What in God's Name: A Novel

by Simon Rich

  Acknowledgments

  I first read the Bible in 1997, when I was studying for my bar mitzvah. It scared me so much that I pledged to keep kosher for the rest of my life. I kept the vow for nearly three days, when I accidentally ate a full rack of ribs. Since then, on some level, I’ve been waiting for God to kill me.

  I want to thank Central Synagogue Hebrew School for forcing me to study Torah. They failed to turn me into an observant Jew, but they succeeded in turning me into a comedy writer.

  My family also deserves a lot of the credit. I want to thank my mom (for letting me watch five episodes of The Simpsons every day for ten years); my dad (for buying me two separate Neil Simon anthologies when I was twelve); my stepmom, Alex (for getting me my first subscription to Mad magazine); Michael (for giving me Catch-22); Nat (for letting me steal the Philip Roth novels off his shelf); and my hilarious Grandma Nita (who introduced me to the phrase “What in God’s name!”).

  Daniel Greenberg believed in this novel when nobody else did (including me). If it weren’t for his support and advice, there’s no way this book would exist.

  Reagan Arthur drastically improved these pages with her shrewd critiques and brilliant suggestions.

  Susan Morrison, my editor at The New Yorker, once casually suggested over lunch that I write a novel about God. I’m not sure if she remembers saying that. Anyway, Susan, here it is, five years later. Thanks for the idea!

  I want to thank Lee Eastman, Patricia O’Hearn, Gregory McKnight, and everyone else at Allagash Industries for believing in all my crazy projects. I don’t know how I would survive without you.

  And I want to thank Professor Kimberley C. Patton at Harvard Divinity School, whose fascinating courses first inspired me to write about angels.

  Jake Luce, as usual, helped me enormously at every stage of the writing process. The day he stops reading my drafts is the day I stop writing books.

  Thanks also to Dustin Lushing, Amelia Gonzalez, Marika Sawyer, John Mulaney, Seth Meyers, Lorne Michaels, Steve Higgins, Andrew Singer, Marlena Bittner, Sarah Murphy, Rebecca Gray, Anna-Marie Fitzgerald, Kathleen Hale, Peg Anderson, Melissa Fuller, Deborah Jacobs, Laura Tisdel, Peggy Leith Anderson, Jon Klemm, Erik Motyl, Montague Wines and Spirits, Pixar, and Tabasco sauce. You all helped in your own way.

  Thanks to all my friends for putting up with me.

  And thanks, above all, to my wonderful big brother Nat, who taught me everything I know about books, life, and baseball. This one’s for you.

  About the Author

  Simon Rich has written comedy for The New Yorker, Pixar, Saturday Night Live, McSweeney’s, The Believer, and various movie studios. He’s the author of two collections, Free-Range Chickens and Ant Farm, which was a finalist for the Thurber Prize for American Humor. His first novel, Elliot Allagash, was optioned for a film by Jason Reitman. Rich lives in Brooklyn.

  Also by Simon Rich

  Elliot Allagash

  Free-Range Chickens

  Ant Farm: And Other Desperate Situations

  Contents

  Title Page

  Dedication

  Epigraph

  Part I

  Part II

  Part III

  Epilogue

  Acknowledgments

  About the Author

  Also by Simon Rich

  Copyright

  The characters and events in this book are fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author.

  Copyright © 2012 by Simon Rich

  Cover design by Julianna Lee; art by Zohar Lazar

  Cover © 2012 Hachette Book Group, Inc.

  All rights reserved. In accordance with the U.S. Copyright Act of 1976, the scanning, uploading, and electronic sharing of any part of this book without the permission of the publisher constitute unlawful piracy and theft of the author’s intellectual property. If you would like to use material from the book (other than for review purposes), prior written permission must be obtained by contacting the publisher at permissions@hbgusa.com. Thank you for your support of the author’s rights.

  Reagan Arthur Books/Little, Brown and Company

  Hachette Book Group

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  First e-book edition: August 2012

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  ISBN 978-0-316-20332-6