SHADOWS OF REGRET: If your life was ruined, would you seek redemption or take revenge?

by Ross Greenwood

  ‘Boys. They were boys, really. Simon and Bill disappeared into the Merchant Navy. I never saw them again, and they didn’t write. The twins had no reason to come around with the others gone, and I only ever saw them from a distance. Ted never mentioned it. He and I went mad together.’

  ‘What do you mean?’ asks Irina.

  ‘We both retreated from the world. He had lost his wife and his beloved children. We were never close. I think I only served to remind him of what he’d lost. As for me, I struggled to get out of bed. My college eventually gave up trying to contact me. Someone came, but I hid in the toilet. Ted couldn’t bring himself to throw me out and I couldn’t find the strength to leave.

  ‘I spoke little, and he said plenty. As the months ticked by, he would come to blame me for everything. The blame for the boys not staying in touch was a frequent stick with which to beat me. I would sit for hours staring into space. I couldn’t keep on top of the housework even though I had nothing else to do.’

  Tears burst from my eyes. I was so lonely. My shoulders heave. I’m aware that Radic has been pacing the room. He shouts when he finally speaks.

  ‘If I were you, I would take my revenge. They shouldn’t get away with that.’

  ‘But some of it was my fault.’

  Irina holds my face in front of hers. ‘Stop. What you think is a normal reaction. Many victims feel like that. They are responsible. Who knows what would have happened if you had fought back.’

  I push her away. I can’t stand for them to see me like this. Make-up stings my eyes.

  Irina looks sad.

  Radic looks angry.

  I scream in disgust, ‘I fucking enjoyed it. I had an orgasm.’

  Their confused shocked faces give me a chance to recover. I pick up the drink Radic tried to give me and knock it back. The strong chemical taste is heaven sent. I force myself to take even breaths.

  ‘Look. It happened to me. I’ve repressed that period for a long time but it’s coming back now. I couldn’t stop it even if I wanted to. Perhaps I’ll know what to do when I’ve dredged up every last moment. In the meantime, please, give me some space and some time. I’m so thankful for your kindness, so don’t think I’m not.’

  The two of them glance at each other and then nod at me.

  ‘I’m just going for a walk to clear my head. Give me an hour.’ I put my coat back on.

  Radic walks past and opens the door for me. ‘When the time comes,’ he says, ‘I will help you.’

  My instant reaction is to tell him to forget it. However, today there is a new emotion, and that is anger. ‘Thank you.’

  I take a moment to gather myself and head down the stairs. I stop half way and can hear them talking.

  ‘Wow. I wasn’t expecting that,’ says Irina.

  ‘No. There’s more though.’

  ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘She said she would tell us everything. A gang rape is awful. It’s tough to imagine how that would affect a young girl.’

  ‘So?’

  ‘Katie went to prison for sixteen years. You don’t get a life sentence for being gang raped. Her story can only get worse.’

  45

  The Seaside

  My next appointment with Tim Thorn at the house was two days ago. I smile when I imagine him arriving and me not being in. He must have been furious. My phone then going straight to voicemail would've added to his rage. I’m not sure how easy it is to track phones, so I removed the sim card from mine. Irina and Radic were given the new number. Nobody else needs to know.

  Thorn will have been fuming to begin with. When I failed to return his calls, he would’ve become nervous. I should think another client absconding wouldn’t go down well. No doubt confident he could talk himself out of any situation that arose, he’d rather not have to do so. I figured it would take forty-eight hours before he’d consider reporting it.

  So, Irina and I planned a trip to the seaside. I informed Radic to keep him in the loop. He told Tony One Eye, as we’ve been calling him, to drive us here. We sit in the back of the car giggling like teenagers. Tony pulls into the car park behind the fairground at Hunstanton seafront. I decide to get the nasty job out of the way first.

  I press the buttons and find I’m looking forward to it. The implications for him are far-reaching. His life will never be the same. Thorn is a piece of scum. He deserves everything he gets. I’m going to enjoy this. He picks up on the second ring.

  ‘Thorn.’

  ‘It’s me.’

  ‘Katie, where the hell are you?’

  ‘Now, now, Tim. There’s no need for rudeness.’

  ‘I will be at your house in an hour. You better have a fantastic reason for missing our appointment, or I’ll have you rammed back in jail so fast you'll wonder if you ever really left.’

  ‘I don’t think so.’

  There is a pause. The conceited idiot can hardly comprehend my words. ‘What did you say?’

  ‘You’ve been abusing women for too long. I’ve met others who’ve had to endure your urges. How long has this been going on? It must be years. I bet there are hundreds of girls out there who will want to thank me after today.’

  ‘No one believes lying whores like you. They’ll say it’s sour grapes because I sent you back to prison. I will write such a glowing review that they'll never release you again.’

  I give him a few seconds to let him think he’s won.

  ‘Katie, you still there? Be in when I arrive and be prepared to do some serious grovelling.’

  I smile. I’ve knelt at his knees for the last time.

  ‘I have a message for you which I’ll send now. It might take a few minutes. I won’t be able to meet you because I’m at the seaside. Ring me when you’ve received the email. I’ll be having an ice-cream.’

  I cut him off, open my email, and send the draft I stored earlier. The signal isn’t that strong so I return to the car. He’ll need a few moments to process it anyway.

  I knock on the driver’s window. ‘Come on you two. I fancy a Flake 99.’

  All the booths on the promenade are shut. A gusting wind blasts the brave souls who venture out there, us included. We find an ice-cream van behind an amusement arcade. I think I mishear her when she charges me £7.50. Thieving cow. It’s worth every penny though when I hand one to Tony. His face lights up and he grins such a wide smile that I notice for the first time he’s missing one of his front teeth.

  We sit on a bench looking out over the caravans and eat our cones like three pensioners on a day trip. I imagined this moment many times when I sweated in my cell. Admittedly, the sun was shining in my dreams. I’ve just finished the chocolate flake which I saved until last when my phone rings. It’s Thorn. I should think a very different one.

  ‘What do you want?’

  ‘This is the final time you speak to me. I’m leaving Cambridge and starting a new life elsewhere. You are going to fabricate your records, or that video will be released to the newspapers. Tell them I’m doing fine, or I’ll post images of me giving you a blow job to every single person who works with you.

  ‘You shall become the best probation officer ever, because if I hear any examples of you imposing your sick desires on anyone else, the entire world will know the depraved deviant who blackmailed vulnerable women into providing him with sexual favours.’

  ‘What makes you imagine I won’t risk being found out? You’d go back to jail regardless of what happened to me.’

  ‘Because you’re not stupid. I researched it. You are guilty of the worst kind of misconduct in public office ever. You’d be lucky to get less than ten years.’

  ‘I can’t fabricate records forever. What if I became ill? You have a licence for life. At some point they’ll find out and arrest you.’

  ‘You don’t get it, do you? I’m gone. Disappeared. I won’t exist. It’s better if no one is looking for me, so I’ll keep my side of the bargain. Your life, as it was, is finished. Do your job properly or you’ll be insid
e. I bet you can imagine how much we prisoners love bent probation officers. Take care, Mr Thorn. Because I will know.’

  I end the call, remove the sim from the phone, bend it in half, and drop it below onto the shingle. The other two are waiting on the bench. I see the funfair come into life behind them. It must be open.

  ‘What’s the time, Tony?’

  ‘Ten past ten.’

  We have all day. I’ve never been on a rollercoaster.

  ‘I take it by you skipping over here that it went well?’ asks Irina

  ‘It did. Now, who wants me to treat them to a ride on the spinning teacups?’

  ‘Me, please.’ Irina looks as happy as I feel.

  We get on but soon it makes us both feel queasy. We twirl round and round, getting greener by the minute. I shout at the man running it, but he thinks we want to go faster. Irina crawls off at the end, weak with laughter and relief.

  We can’t encourage Tony onto any of the rides. He shakes his head and holds his heart. When it’s time to leave, we walk past the carousel. He stops and stares. I suppose they have them the world over. Everyone was innocent once. Maybe he recalls his own child sitting on the horse in front of him. I wave to the man and pay for us all to go on. Except for us three, the ride is empty. Perhaps that’s why we seem to be on it forever.

  It isn’t the sea breeze which makes water stream from Tony’s eyes. I can see his expression without him knowing I’m watching. His thought processes change as his battered face creases. He recalls happy times and is pleased that, even though they are over, he is lucky to own them. His head goes back as he bursts into laughter. I’m sharing a ride with a maniacal goblin who punches the air and releases a whoop. Irina joins in and bellows, ‘Go, Tony.’

  I stand on my stirrups and roar the words that consume me; ‘Freedom!’

  Is there a better feeling?

  46

  A Week Later

  A Woman Knows

  Radic is having a party at his house this evening and has asked me to pop over and help his wife, Sofiya. I thought he wanted me to be some kind of waitress at first. But when he said Tony would pick me up at four in the afternoon, I was confused.

  I see a lot of Tony. He talks little. The car ride home from the coast was a silent affair. Irina fell asleep and Tony drove with a half-smile on his face. He’s in the club most nights with his two companions. Were the three of them friends from the Ukraine? I asked Radic about them. Unusually, I caught him in a downbeat moment. He frowned and told me that men like them have no friends. They might have acquaintances they drink with but only in silence.

  Chilling. I wonder what happened for their lives to be so devoid of emotion. Tony gives me a lift whenever I ask, though. He saves me a fortune on taxis and has a habit of popping up when Irina and I most need him. I guessed he was a heavy for the club at first but there’s never any trouble up there.

  Tony and I pull up outside Radic’s house. It’s a big detached building, but still on an estate. I’m not sure what I was expecting. Al Capone’s mansion, maybe. I knock on the door and notice Tony remains in the car. I tap on the window which he opens.

  ‘You not coming in?’

  ‘No. Tony waits here.’ He winds the window back up so I’m aware it’s not up for negotiation.

  Sofiya lets me in and kisses me on both cheeks. ‘Come in, Katie. We have some cooking to do in the kitchen.’

  There are things that need doing but Sofiya does most of them. I think she can do everything without me. She pours me a glass of the wine she drinks, and after a while I forget that I’m being paid to be there. She tells me her daughter is at university now. They moved here five years ago and Sofiya misses her friends. I realise her life feels empty, and she perhaps wanted female company.

  ‘Radic explained your situation. We needed to start a new life too. We had a son who was killed. As you can imagine, it devastated me. My husband only wanted to get even, which he did. That created more problems. It felt like everyone was after him, from the police to gangsters. We came here to protect our daughter most of all.’

  ‘Does your husband do anything illegal?’

  Her smile is rueful. ‘I don’t know. I’ve spent many years focusing on Karolina. It’s obvious he’s not just a garage or club owner.’

  ‘Why doesn’t Tony come in?’

  ‘Tony has a job to do. Radic was like his little brother when they grew up. The pair of them got into loads of trouble. When I came along all those years ago, we fought for Radic’s attention. We quarrelled. I love that word. Anyway, Tony went to prison for a long time and I won. Well, I thought I did. I’m not aware of what Radic is up to, but a while back he called for Tony. I suppose protection would be his purpose.’

  ‘One more question. Is Radic his surname? It makes me laugh that you call him that as well.’

  ‘He has always simply been only that. Now, Katie. Tell me about you.’

  I can’t help laughing. I realise why I’m there. It was her idea. That’s very clever. Radic hasn’t prised my history out of me yet. Give the job to a woman, and she’ll discover the answers. I don’t mind. In fact, I’m ready. Inside, I was able to forget what happened. You have so much time to serve that real life becomes meaningless. Thoughts of outside are pushed away. Then, like anything, the more you practice, the better you get.

  I changed recently when I bumped into Bill. The things I buried now work their way to the surface. I am going to have to relive my past if I have any hope of moving on. I was wronged, but that doesn’t excuse my actions. Did I deserve what I received?

  A door slams and Radic walks in carrying a box.

  ‘Afternoon, ladies. Started on the gin yet?’

  Sofiya throws a tea towel at him.

  ‘Sit down, Radic. I was about to tell Sofiya about a murder.’

  47

  The Twelfth Memory - Age Eighteen

  The night my life changed forever was in the middle of an early summer heatwave. I had dropped out of college over six months before. Even though no one there could have known, I believed they were all aware of what happened. I struggled to maintain eye contact, even with the postman. At home, Ted and I resembled a married couple who couldn’t bear to be in the same room as each other but had nowhere else to go.

  It was peaceful for once, and I had flopped on the sofa for a rest after a shower. Ted came in early that night. I discovered later he’d found out the farm was being sold. He was going to lose everything. I don’t think he cared that I would be homeless too. I sensed him over me and opened my eyes.

  ‘Look at the state of you. Go and put some clothes on. I need to have a word.’

  Not expecting anyone, I had worn only knickers and a vest top. I padded out and quickly put on a pair of tracksuit bottoms and a T-shirt. My head was fuzzy, so I brushed my teeth and splashed water on my face. I heard a cupboard slam. He was out of whisky. I can’t remember when it appeared on the shopping list. It began as a bottle per week. We were up to three by then.

  When he started to fill a flask for work, even three wasn’t enough. The strange fact was that he hated the taste. He’d grimace with each sip. It’d make him mean. Some nights, he passed out quickly and snored in the chair which had become his pulpit. Other times he riled me playfully. I could tolerate being called a loser. But as his mood sickened, he’d start on blaming me for everything that had gone wrong since I arrived.

  I found it was better to go in the room with him and listen and nod my head when he reached that point. Then he might not shout. It was my fault his wife had died. He blamed me for the boys not keeping in touch. I’d lost him his job that night, too.

  Without whisky to medicate him that evening, he stayed awake. I remember watching him as he worked himself up. He hadn’t mentioned the night at the barn before. I hoped he hadn’t because there was still something left of the man Erin loved. Since she’d gone, it was as if he’d been infected by a parasite which slowly consumed all that was good in him. It must have run out
of stuff to eat because this time he didn’t hold back.

  ‘The way you were dressed tonight shows what sort of a girl you are.’

  I nodded as usual.

  ‘You’re a whore. I bet you came from a whore.’

  I think I’ve always had a dark vengeful side. It is the survivor in me. There’s a demon in the dark who takes only so much. It’s the moment when I fight back. I decided that night to let it free.

  ‘Screw you. Look at what you’ve become. A cruel monster who bullies an eighteen-year-old girl. You think I’m worthless, but you’re beneath me. I am glad we have to leave this place because I can’t stand to be in the presence of your rotting soul.’

  I’m not sure where I got that last line. It summed him up perfectly. I believe he knew it too, and that’s why he said what he did.

  ‘What kind of woman does what you did? One man not enough for you? What did they pay you, or did you enjoy it so much you did it for free?’

  Time was softening my memory of what had happened in the barn, like each day was a fresh bandage enabling me to heal a little bit more. I didn’t realise until that day that underneath I remained raw. Wounds like that don’t heal. His comments exposed me completely, and that night, he didn’t stop.

  ‘Yeah, I saw. I watched for a while.’

  I screamed at him. ‘Why didn’t you stop them?’

  Without emotion, he replied. ‘You loved it.’

  I staggered from the room, his jeers ringing in my ears, and then he bellowed after me.

  ‘We should take you down the docks. We’d make a killing. They always say do something you love and you’ll never have to work a day. There’s business here, too, seeing as we’re not related.’

  My memory plays tricks after that. I stumbled as my mind went blank. And then it was as if I became two people; both walking side-by-side. I watched myself grab a knife from the drawer and return to the lounge. There was no reaction, not even shock on either of our faces. Ted didn’t move. He didn’t even put up a hand to stop me.