See Her (Turn it Up Book 1)

by Natalie Parker

  Lucky for me, the first song is one with a heavy hitting bass beat that pulses through my body, and I start moving without conscious thought. I throw myself into the dancing, trying to let everything else fade away. But it won’t. Images and feelings are floating through my head. The skank lying next to Jack. The feeling of his hands holding my face the day I left the tour. The sound of his voice when he tells me he loves me.

  I lose track of time as I tear around the studio, moving as hard as I can to the music, trying to outrun these thoughts and feelings. I put as much force as I can into my turns and spins, moving furiously across the hardwood, trying to escape the monsters. I’m just coming out of a pirouette when my foot slips, and I fall to my hands and knees. Instead of getting right back up like I normally would, I stay there like that, examining the grain in the wood floor like it has all the answers. The music switches over to a slower song, and I give up. I gently lay my forehead on the floor and let the tears come. I’m consumed with thoughts of all the things I miss. Jack’s scent, his hair in his eyes, the way he comes up behind me and puts his arms around me. And then, that stupid fucking picture. I can feel the sobs coming up my throat as the pain slowly creeps over me like a dark shadow. I let it. I let these God-awful feelings come over me and I surrender to them. I’m heartbroken. I’m lonely and I’m scared. It all enshrouds me, making my insides feel like they’re turning black. I let myself cry so hard, I feel like my heart might give out.

  I’m not sure how much time passes, maybe a song or two… but the tears subside, my breathing returns to normal, and the darkness inside me evaporates into mist, until I feel nothing but empty. I pull myself up off the floor, turn off the lights, grab my things and head home. When I get there, I feel spent and drained. On autopilot, I let the dogs outside and put food in their bowls when they come back in. I then head to the bedroom, curl up on the bed, and fall into a deep, dreamless sleep.

  I wake up before the sun the next morning, in the same position I fell asleep in. I blink a few times, allowing myself a few moments to just lay there and wake up all the way. I feel calmer, and a bit lighter. I look around to see that both dogs are asleep on the bed with me and I can’t help but let my mouth curl up in a small smile at the sight. I decide to let them be as I scooch off the bed. First thing’s first: I need a shower. Under the spray, I let my mind drift to Jack. It’s amazing how clear-headed I feel now. It’s as if letting myself give way to my emotions released some sort of demon that was forbidding me from seeing the big picture. Jack seriously messed up and it hurt me. But that’s just it, he messed up. If I’m being honest with myself, I know he wouldn’t betray me, hurt me, or act like I don’t mean anything to him. What happened that night was a mistake; that’s not who he is. Jack loves me. Everything inside me knows it. When he kisses me, it’s like he wants it to go on forever. When he holds me, it’s like he’s afraid to let go.

  It’s evident in that picture that he was passed out. I’m still mad and hurt that he’d be so careless in that situation, but all he’s really guilty of here is losing control. The universe and some desperate bitch did the rest.

  I realize what needs to happen next. Way back on that night that Jack first kissed me, I learned that if he and I were going to work, we would need to talk to each other and listen when things weren’t going right. I know now that if I want Jack and I to go back to being happy, then that’s what I need to do. I need to talk to him. And more importantly, I need to listen.

  A half hour later, I’m sitting on the couch with my coffee. My hair is still slightly damp, and I’m dressed in leggings and a white sweater. I’m still sad and hurting a bit, but after the good cry, a solid night’s sleep and a shower, I feel stronger and more human. Jack is probably still sleeping, but I figure it would be good to call and leave him a message. That way, as soon as he wakes up, he’ll know I haven’t checked out and that I want to work on things. I curl up on the end of the couch with my phone and dial his number. To my surprise, he picks up on the third ring. I definitely woke him though; his voice is thick with sleep when he answers.

  “Baby?” he mumbles into the phone.

  “Hi,” I say, feeling a little sheepish. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you. I was just going to leave you a message.”

  “No,” he says firmly, and I can hear him turning over, the bedding rustling around. “I don’t care what time it is, I always want to talk to my girl. Besides, I’m on the damn bus. It’s not like I was sleeping all that great.” I know all too well what he means, and yet I find myself missing it just a little. He lets out a long sigh. “I miss you.”

  “I miss you, too,” I say back. “And listen, I’m sorry for cutting us off last night. I should’ve stuck around and talked to you.”

  “You were feeling a whole bunch of things, baby. It’s ok that you needed some space to work through them.”

  “But not talking to you isn’t going to solve anything, and you deserve to have me hear you out.”

  “Maybe, but when the time is right. With the way you were feeling last night, even if you sat and listened to me, I don’t think you would’ve actually heard me. You needed more time to process and let off some steam before that could happen.” He has a point. “And it’s okay if you need some time to be angry or upset, even if it drives me crazy waiting to get to the part where we work through things.” God, he is so understanding. He gets me, more than I get myself. “I hate it, but you needed some time to just feel.”

  “Oh, I did. Believe me. But still, I think walking away was the wrong move, and I want to get to a better place.” I pause, letting that sink in, and stealing myself for what I’m about to say next. “So… will you please tell me what happened?”

  “Uh, yeah.” I hear a hint of surprise in his voice but he starts talking. “We hadn’t played as good as I would’ve liked. The show had a good response from the audience, but I just wasn’t feeling that good about it. My earpiece wasn’t working properly and I could feel it messing me up. I tried to FaceTime you afterward, but couldn’t get ahold of you.” That was the call I’d missed when I fell asleep. He continues, “I kept my phone in my back pocket in case you called, and apparently left a couple of apps open and the battery burned right down. I decided to go to the after party to kill time because I still had a lot of energy. I was upset and I was missing you. I went and got a drink at the bar and when that eased the shittiness I was feeling a little, I decided to have another. I was starting to feel a little better so I walked around and talked to people. Someone handed me a shot of I don’t know what, but by that time, the scotch had gone to my head enough for me not to care.

  The next thing I know, I’m waking up in my damn clothes on top of my bed, and Matt’s shoving me and yelling at me that we’re late and need to get on the bus. I had the hangover from hell, barely made it on the bus, and went to call you. My phone was dead as a doornail and I still felt like shit, so I plugged it in and laid down in my bunk while it charged.” His voice is sincere and unwavering as he tells me all this. It’s like any other conversation we’ve ever had. He has never been dishonest with me, and he isn’t now. I can hear it in his voice. “When I woke up a couple of hours later, that fucking picture was all over my phone when I turned it on and I had no memory of any of it; no idea how any of that happened.

  The first thing I did was call you and you didn’t answer. I asked Matt if he saw anything or knew anything, and he said Logan was the one that hauled me to my room and deposited me on my bed.” Logan is one of the assistant tour managers. Between The Shock Wave and Turn it Up, the poor guy is more like a glorified babysitter. “Then we were so busy it was hard nailing Logan down, but I finally did after you and I talked last night. He told me he’d seen me making the rounds and that these two skanks were following me around. I brushed them off and went and found the adjoining bedroom in the penthouse we were in and passed out on the bed. Logan found me in there with those stupid chicks laying down and taking selfies with me while I was uncon
scious. He yelled at them to hand over their phones but they tucked them away and ran off. He called security from the room but it looks like they never caught up with them - at least not before they hopped online and went viral with the whole fucked up thing.”

  I can hear defeat in his voice now, and I feel something inside me release. I didn’t even realize that every part of my body was clenched while listening to his side of things. “So… that’s what happened. I swear to God baby, I’m sorry. I’m sorry it didn’t look like you were on my mind that night, but you were. You always are. I just didn’t deal with it the right way that time. But it’s not going to happen again, I promise you.”

  A tear rolls down my cheek and I don’t fight it. “I know,” I choke out.

  “Are you ok, baby? What are you thinking?”

  “I’m thinking that all this really was just a fucked-up misunderstanding, that there’s no way you could’ve done anything those stories are trying to say you did… because you’re you.” I shrug even though he can’t see me. “It just hurt so bad to see someone else lying next to you, especially when I’m supposed to be.”

  “It’s okay baby. If it had been the other way around, I’d lose my fucking mind. But I can’t even stand the idea of touching anyone but you ever again. It’s why I married you, you know.”

  “Yeah,” I sniff, smiling at the memory.

  “You forgive me?” he asks sweetly.

  “Of course I do,” I say. I let out a huge sigh of relief and relax into the couch a bit.

  “Are we ok?” he asks.

  “Yeah. We’re okay,” I say, reaching out to scratch Trooper’s ears who has his head in my lap. “I just can’t wait until you come home.”

  “I’m coming home as fast as I fucking can, baby.”

  28

  Jack

  Over the next few days, our conversations are so much better. Even better than they were before that damn picture came out. The first few days after Mayzie left, our interactions were sweet and loving, but definitely in a forlorn, sad, yearning-for-each-other kind of way. They’re still packed with loving words, but they have a cheerfulness to them now. We still talk about how much we can’t wait to see each other, but the phone calls and FaceTimes are more hopeful, and we keep it positive with a lot of flirting. I send her pictures of Matt and me goofing off, and one of me pouting in bed without her, and she’ll reciprocate with one of herself in bed with the dogs curled up beside her in my spot. I’ll make her laugh by putting my lips to the camera when we’re FaceTiming and she’ll do it back. It’s like we’ve gotten our groove back, and I fall more in love with her, knowing what we can get through now. We’ve even gotten a little creative with our time on the phone, if you know what I mean.

  The band’s schedule is still slammed, but I find ways to let her know I’m thinking about her. And if we miss each other’s call, we don’t freak out. We just make up for it later. I sometimes even call or FaceTime her when it’s late and I know she might be sleeping, just to make sure we connect.

  Mayzie

  “Good God, when are they going to get to them?” asks my mom who’s curled on one end of my couch, coffee mug in her hands. “I’ve heard enough about Thanksgiving centerpieces and skin care tips!”

  “I know, they’ve been throwing out way too many teasers too,” I say, sipping my own sugar with coffee. We’re in our jammies and sharing the same big blanket on my couch. Mom stayed overnight, partly to keep me company, but also so we could catch the guys on TV this morning.

  Jack told me last night that there was yet another change in the schedule, and that they are going to be making an appearance on one of the nation’s morning shows today. They are in Houston right now, but

  ‘See Her’ has become a regular fixture with the country’s listeners, and the fact that Turn it Up can be caught on tour with The Shock Wave is creating a lot of buzz. Rich and Sabrina, two of the hosts from America Live, flew out to be on location to do a piece on the “hot new band.” They typically do the more fun segments on the show, which is fitting because they have a great banter with each other, as well as the guests they interview. Sabrina is a bubbly platinum blonde, while Rich is slightly older with more of a laid-back sense of humor. They’re going to interview the guys about the song, and what touring has been like for them.

  Finally, a commercial break concludes and Rich and Sabrina can be seen sitting in director style chairs. Sabrina looks glamorous, as always, in a red halter style jumpsuit, and begins speaking first.

  “Good morning to all of you back in New York, and to all of you at home! Rich and I are here in Houston, just one of the many stops that The Shock Wave is making on their sold-out Dreams and Schemes tour!”

  “Right, and we were able to catch up with their chart-topping opening act!” Rich chimes in. He’s in a dark blue suit with red tie, and is sporting his usual short, dark haircut. “We are here with the band Turn it Up, whose song ’See Her’ has been rapidly climbing the charts and winning over listeners all over the country.” The camera pans out to show the guys all sitting to the left of them. They have assembled them so that Chris and Josh are sitting in taller chairs behind Matt and Jack. While Matt is sitting closer to the hosts and leaning in a bit, Jack is resting his elbow on the arm of his chair and leaning his chin on his hand. He’s smiling kindly, but looks like he’s feeling painfully shy. I’ve always been in awe of how he is in real life compared to his stage persona. I bet it’s hard for America to wrap their heads around it too. What they normally see is this adrenaline-fueled rock star with hair that hangs dramatically in his face, singing hard core into a mic on stage. And now they’re seeing the regular Jack, who is sweet, humble, and camera shy. “Thanks for taking the time to chat with us, guys,” Rich finishes.

  All four of them speak at once with salutations like ‘good morning,’ and ‘happy to be here.’

  “So, take us through what these last few weeks have been like for you; having your first single take off like a rocket and then jumping on tour with one of the biggest musical acts in the country. How has it been going?”

  Matt does most of the talking, with Chris and Josh adding to the conversation, Chris of course being his silly self and getting laughs out of everybody. Jack speaks up here and there, but you can tell he’s happy for the spotlight to be on the other guys.

  “Now, the song,” Rich says, straightening up and leaning forward a little, like he wants to get down to business, “has been a smash hit. I want to talk about the video. You released a video with the single that has gotten nearly 300,000 views on YouTube now, and the number is still climbing.”

  “Yeah,” Matt says. “We had a lot of fun shooting that. We were lucky to have a great director, and our manager helped out a lot. It had a solid concept that I think gave the audience a real sense of who we are and the music we make.” As he’s talking, the view on the TV goes to a side-by-side shot of the conversation and snippets of the video.

  “It’s an amazing video,” Sabrina says, also leaning forward and placing a hand on her chest. “About ninety of those views were by me.” The guys all laugh. “Seriously, I love that video. And… I want to talk about the girl in the video. The dancer.”

  “Oh boy,” I say out loud as my mom scooches a little closer to me, leaning forward as Sabrina continues. I see Jack’s closed mouth smile spreading a bit. Sabrina leans her arm on the side of her chair and then points her manicured finger at the guys, sweeping it between all four of them.

  “Now, I understand that one of you knows her. And I mean personally.”

  “Ooh, which one of you is that?” Rich heckles. Chris and Josh lean forward to give Jack playful swats on the back, as Matt places his hand on Jack’s shoulder, giving it a shake. Jack is still smiling into his hand and starting to blush.

  “Jaaack,” Sabrina prods with a sly smile. “Can you tell us who the girl is?” Finally, Jack straightens up and clasps his hands in front of him.

  “Yeah, she’s my wife.” Hi
s response is met by a collective ‘awww’ from both the hosts and the rest of the guys. The second screen goes to another clip from the video, where the band is playing and Jack is watching me with an intense look in his eye.

  “Oh, so that’s real right there,” Rich says smiling, and gesturing at the other screen. “That look, you’re not acting there.” More soft laughter comes out of Jack and the guys.

  “No sir, I’m not,” Jack says, shaking his head and smiling. I swear, my entire body swells up and I feel like I might float off the couch. The reassurance I’m getting from the way Jack lit up at the mention of me makes me feel like I can go the rest of the tour. It filled all of my tanks to the brim. It also makes me miss him more, if that were even possible. My mom has her arm around me now and is resting her chin on my shoulder. She’s smiling, and I can tell she’s swooning over Jack’s demeanor.

  “Not a bad son-in-law I have there,” she muses.

  The conversation goes back to how long they have left on the tour, and I’m thankful. As exciting as that was, no one needs the tension to build again. I would hate for the focus to shift from who Turn it Up is as a band, to having it be all about Jack’s and my relationship. The guys all wave as Rich and Sabrina close out the interview, and turn it back over to the studio in New York.

  A few days later, Ian drops by for dinner… and brings Tina. Since I left the tour, he went back to their place. I guess the two weeks he spent house and dog sitting helped him reset and get his feelings together. She let him back, but he was on the couch for a few days, I guess. Good for her. I know he hurt her and I’m glad she put him through the ringer first. Things definitely seem different between them now. They’re actually polite.