I feel the tears start as I close my eyes. I feel the breeze pick up and I can hear the palm trees blowing.
“I want you to know that I will continue on with our plan to retire from the Air Force. Unfortunately, we still have a job to do and what I wouldn’t give for our job to be obsolete. That would mean that our brothers and sisters are no long in danger. I promise to make you proud of me.” I say as I wipe the tears from my face.
“And if it is ok with you I would like to take care of Emily until she no longer needs me. I know I can only do so much from overseas, but I will do my best to stay in contact with her and make sure she doesn’t need anything. You can be pissed if you want. Hell, I am kinda pissed at you anyway.” I chuckle to myself.
“I should get going. I have a few things to take care of before my flight out tonight. I have to tell you that I am not looking forward to doing this without you. I would give anything to have you back including switching places. Please give me some sign that you are ok. Something to let me know that somehow you live on because I can’t bear the thought of this being the end. I love you like a brother,” I say as I get up and walk closer to the gravesite.
I look down and I see a picture taped to the grave marker. I bend over to see what it is, and I realize that it is a picture of Jackson and Emily as kids. They are wearing shirts that say best friends. All I can do is shake my head because I realize how difficult this will be for her to get through. That thought makes me want to tell her how I feel and assure her that I will always be here for her. I know that telling her that I love her will only make things more awkward and that is the last thing I want to do before I leave.
I hop on my bike and ride back to the bar where I wait for Emily to stop by. I have finished my last-minute packing and say goodbye to some of the bar regulars. Most of these people have known me since I was born, they are like extended family. I glance over at my Dad and I can tell that he is nervous about my leaving.
“Hey Dad, why don’t you come over to England for a visit. I will take some leave and show you around. Maybe even take a trip to Ireland and Scotland since I know you have always wanted to go.”
He doesn’t look up for the glass that has been polishing for that last thirty minutes but says, “You are right Mac, I have always wanted to visit both places. I would love to see where our family came from, and I should’ve learned a long time ago that life is so short. Maybe it is finally time to take you up on that.”
“Then it is settled. Once I get back and see when the best leave time is I will set something up.” I say, and he nods. My father never goes anywhere. He practically lives in this bar, ever since my mother left us when I was young.
Just as I get up to pour a beer my phone vibrates.
Emily: I am on my way. Are you at the bar?
Me: Yep. Just finishing up around here before I leave for the airport.
Emily: Ok, I will be there in 15 minutes.
I have been wondering all day about how to say goodbye to her. It has always been difficult to leave friends and family but somehow this time feels different. I know it has to do with Jackson not going back with me, but it is more than that. I feel like I have unfinished business with Emily.
I am on my way over the MacAlister’s to say goodbye to Mac. I have always hated this part, but it seems different. I guess maybe it is because Mac has always been a part of my relationship with my brother and now that Jackson is gone, I don’t know where my friendship with Mac will go and it scares me.
I park my convertible in front of the bar and I take a deep breath. My stomach is in knots knowing that I am going to see Mac. He has always made my stomach flip but after seeing him naked? Holy hotness! I am acting like a hormonal teenager. Get it together Emily Mills I tell myself. I check my appearance in the rearview mirror and decide to head in.
I walk through the open door and gasp. He is standing with his arm up against the backroom doorframe. He is wearing a tight fitting black t-shirt that hugs his enormous biceps. One of his tattoos is peeking out from the bottom of his sleeve. The low-slung jeans sit in just the right spot. The man’s body is perfect just like his soul.
“There you are.” Mac says snapping me out of my lust filled trance. “Everything ok?”
“Yes, of course.” I say while trying not to look guilty.
“Are you all packed up and ready to go?” I ask Mac.
“Almost, but I was hoping we could sit down over in the corner booth, so we could talk.” He asks and immediately a lump forms in my throat.
“Sure.” I manage to squeak out.
Mac grabs my hand and leads me over to the booth and lets me slide in first. I am surprised when he doesn’t sit across the table but instead next to me. I am finding it difficult to look him in the eyes and he must notice.
“Emily, please look at me.” Mac asks as he places his hand under my chin and turns my face to meet his.
A thousand thoughts run through my mind in that split second. He is going to tell me that the other night was a mistake, or we can no longer be friends. Something along those lines.
“Mac, I…” I start to say that we should forget about the other night, but he cuts me off.
“Emily, there are some things that I need to say before I leave for the airport. When Jackson and I joined the Air Force we talked about what would happen if one of us did not make it home. Jackson promised to look after any family that I may have, and I made him the same promise. I want you to know that even if I never had that conversation with your brother I would look after you. It probably doesn’t mean much since I will be half way around the world, but I want you to know that I take that promise seriously. I know that you and Jackson would email and video chat as often as you could, and I would like to continue that with you and me.”
Hope seizes my heart.
“Mac, you don’t have to do that. I don’t want you to feel obligated.” I say hoping he dismisses my protest and he does.
“I am not obligated. I want to stay in contact. I think it will help us both with the healing process and to be frank, I need you.” Mac says with a sincere voice and I start to tear up.
“I have to be honest with you, I was worried that you would let what happened the other night ruin our friendship.”
“No way would that ever happen. You, Jackson and I have been friends for a long time and nothing will ever change that. Even with Jackson gone, you are still my friend and friends look out for one another.” He says with a smile. Mac covers my hand with his a gives a little squeeze.
“I don’t know how to begin my life without my brother. I got used to not having him here because he was deployed but he always came home and now he won’t,” I say as tears well up. I am trying so hard not to fall apart in front of Mac. It must be difficult for him to leave knowing that he will be going back without my brother.
“Emily, your brother is home. He is always here with you, in your heart.” Mac get chocked up, stands and exits the booth. I watch as he heads to the back office of the bar. I don’t know whether I should go after him or wait here. Mac is a proud man and the last thing I want to do is embarrass him by running to see if he is ok.
I decide to sit and wait.
Christ. What was that? I can’t lose in front of Emily. I can tell that she is on the edge herself and if I allow her to see me go over, she will most likely follow. I made a promise to Jackson that I would take care of her, I can’t let him down. I need to keep myself together until I leave. Once I am away from Emily I can grieve for my friend.
I look around my Dad’s office and remember when Jackson and I would sit at the desk and pretend that we were businessmen. One day we would be bankers, another time we would be police detectives trying to solve a made-up crime. I chuckle to myself thinking about the silly things we did when were young. Just as I remember something funny about Jackson, sadness creeps in again and my heart aches realizing I will never see him again. I feel like a fraud trying to get Emily to not feel the same way I d
o. I feel like a part of me is gone forever.
As I caught up in memories and guilt, I hear a noise behind me and I know it is Emily.
“I thought I would give you a little time, but I started to worry about you.” Emily says.
“Sorry about that. I just needed a minute,” I look over at her and she smiles softly at me.
“You can take all of the time you need. You don’t have to be strong for me. I know how you feel, it is how I feel too. I have relied on you too much these last few weeks and I shouldn’t have taken advantage of you.” Emily says as she looks me directly in the eye. I can see that she feels guilty and that is the last thing I want.
“Emily, stop. You don’t have to apologize for anything. This is new for both of us and quite frankly I don’t think there is a right or wrong for us to grieve.”
She looks down at her feet but I tip her head up to look at me. “My time here is running out and I don’t want to spend my last few minutes having you worry about me.” I want to kiss her, but I am not sure how she will react.
Before I can pull away from her, she stands on her toes and kisses me like her life depended on it. Her kiss is ferocious, her tongue is lapping against mine, stealing my breath away. How can I walk away from this? This is the woman that I have loved for most of my life, the one I can never have.
I pull away from her with regret. She looks at me as if she did something wrong, her eyes looking at my chest. I hold her face in my hands, “Hey, don’t look like that Emily. You did not do anything wrong, everything you are feeling is allowed.” I say, trying to reassure her without admitting that I love the way she shows me what she wants.
Emily shakes her head, “Do you need a ride to the airport? I can take you if you want.”
I want nothing more than to spend more time with her but the last thing I need to think about is her standing alone as I walk board my plane. What I do need is some time to get myself together before I get on that plane. I try to convince myself that it will be easier to say goodbyes here at the bar.
“I called for a taxi to be here soon, I have never been a fan of saying goodbye at the airport.” I tell her hoping that it will less dramatic for both of us. “Let me go upstairs and get my bags, I’ll be right back.”
Jesus Christ, Emily, way to throw yourself at someone who only wants to be your friend. Friends forever is what we always said. I am going to miss him more than I ever thought I would.
My mind drifts to the other night, laying in his arms, feeling his heart beat against me. Out of something so horrible came something so beautiful, something I will never forget. The man who I have loved most of my life shared himself with me. How am I supposed to get over that and open myself up to someone else?
Mac is coming down the stairs talking with someone on the phone. I don’t mean to eavesdrop but where I am standing, I can’t help it. He is talking to Daniel, my friend Chrissy’s brother. I lean in a little closer to the wall because I think I heard my name. This is so wrong, but I am desperate to get any sense of what he is feeling. Mac tells Daniel that he is leaving soon and asks him to make sure that he keeps an eye on me. Then he says something I can’t understand. Daniel asks him a question and Mac tells him that I have no idea. What the hell do I not know about? Is he keeping something from me? My head is swimming with possibilities. Is something wrong with Mac? Is it something about my brother? Before I can hear anymore, Mac hangs up and comes back into the bar area.
“Hey, there you are.” He says looking as if he got caught doing something wrong. “Yep, here I am. Do you have everything?” I say more annoyed than I mean to.
Mac looks at me picking up on my attitude. “Sorry, I am just tired, and I don’t want you to leave.” There I said it!
“I know you don’t Em and I don’t want to leave you like this but we both know that I need to get back to base.” Mac reaches over and he places some of my hair behind my ears. This is such an intimate moment I wish I could freeze time.
“I know you can’t stay any longer, I am just going to miss you so much. I feel like I am losing you too.” I am trying so hard not to let the tears fall but my heart break is just too much. Jackson is gone forever and now my friend, the man I love, is leaving me too.
“I don’t know if it helps you feel better, but I will miss you too. I promise to make you and your brother proud of me. I will carry on his legacy saving lives, I will pray that you work through your grief and remain that strongest and best woman I know.” Before I can respond, the taxi pulls up and beeps. I start to sob uncontrollably.
Mac wraps me in a tight hug, presses his lips to my ears and tells me that he promises that everything will be ok. I hope to God he is right. He eases back a little and wipes my tears.
His Dad comes up to say goodbye, they embrace and pat each other on the back.
“Take care of yourself son.”
“I will Dad, I have a guardian angel looking out for me.”
“Emily, walk me out?” he says, and I can hear he is choked up.
“Of course.” I say.
“Bye Dad take care and I will see you soon.” Mac looks to his father and waves.
He hoists his bag over one shoulder and grabs my hand to lead me out the door.
He greets the taxi driver and ask for a minute to say goodbye. The driver takes his bag and tells him to take his time.
Mac has always been the quiet one of the three of us but right now he looks like he has so much to say. I know what I must do, I have to let him go without making him feel any worse. I step closer to him and wrap my arms around Mac’s waist. I hug him tight and thank him for being here for me. He hugs me tighter and kisses me on top of my head. I lean back and look up at him. The next most natural thing to do is tell him I love him, but I can’t. I can’t lose him.
“Take care of yourself, Mac. Stay in touch and don’t worry about me. Just stay safe and come back as soon as you can.” I say with a smile.
“Take care of yourself, Mills. Stay in touch and don’t worry about me. I will stay safe and I will be back as soon as I can.” He says back, and I let out a little laugh. We break the hug and just look at each other.
“You better get going, we can’t have you missing your flight.” I say turning him toward the car. He looks back to me and touches my cheek and my insides flip. “It’s ok, you need to go.” I reassure him.
He nods and gets in the car. He shuts the door and rolls down the window. “I will be in touch as soon as I can.”
“I will be waiting.” I tell him with a smile and a wave. He smiles back as the taxi pulls away.
I watch the car until I can’t see it anymore and just like that he is gone. I can’t go back into the bar. I know I am being a coward, but that place is filled with memories of the three of us and I just can’t bear it today. Instead, I get in my car and go home. It is difficult to see through my tears. God, I am so tired of crying.
I call my Dad on the way just to make sure he is ok. He is at the office throwing himself back into work. I should probably go in too but all I really want to do is go home and crawl back into bed and sleep. So that is exactly what I do.
When I get home, I change into my sweats and uncork a bottle of wine. Pouring myself a drink I begin to think about my brother and what he great man he was. Jackson was always the first person to help when someone was in need. I guess that is why he chose the path he did. Even at the end of his short life, he sacrificed himself for others. That thought makes me so scared for Mac.
I take out my box of old pictures. There are several of me and Jackson when we were babies. I love to look at the ones of my mom. You can see the love that she had for us. I miss her like crazy too, but it gives me some sort of comfort to know that she and my brother are together.
I find some pictures from high school. God, we were so young. We thought we were so mature. Underneath a pile of some cards I find some prom pictures of Jackson and Mac. Of course, they double dated. My brother took Susan Drake to the senior prom
and Leah Sullivan was Mac’s date. I hated her. I remember hiding at the top of the stairs where no one could see me. I could hear her giggling at things that Mac was saying. All I could do was wish I were her. Mac and Leah dated for another month after the prom but then he broke up with her. Around the same time, I met my first boyfriend, Jesse.
Jesse and I dated for a few months, but I broke up with him when I found out that he liked Chrissy and was just using me to get to her. Asshat. He is divorced now, cheated on his wife, go figure.
I pour myself another glass of wine and let my mind wonder what Mac is doing. He should be in flight by now. He has a short layover in New York before leaving for England. I am tempted to text him and check, but I don’t. I need to let him go and forget about what happened.
I head in for bed and my phone chimes. The second I know that I have a text message my heart rate picks up. This is ridiculous. I look at my phone hoping the message is from Mac, but it is from my Dad.
Dad: Just getting home from work and wanted to check in. Love you kiddo.
Me: Love you too Dad. About to go to bed. I will see you in the morning.
Dad: See you then! Goodnight.
I throw my phone onto my bed and get under the covers. Turning the light off gives me a sense of overwhelming loneliness that I have never felt before, not even after losing my mom. I was so young when she passed perhaps I am grieving for her again now along with Jackson.
I stare at the ceiling willing myself to sleep. The harder I try the more awake I am. I decide to turn the light on and pick up a book I started reading before this nightmare began. I love a good romance novel, and the sexier the better. Of course, I had to pick a book where the female character has a crush on a guy she can’t never have. Maybe by the end of the book he will come to his senses and see what is right in front of him. Projecting much Emily?
Rescued Hearts Page 4
