The flights were miserable or maybe it was just my mood. I wanted to call Emily so many times during my layover but what would be the sense? We are not a couple. I will keep my promise to Jackson and stay in touch with her once I get back to Mildenhall and get myself squared away.
I have to stop myself from daydreaming about what would have happened between us if I had more time with her. The night that we had sex can be explained away by Emily needing to be comforted but the goodbye kiss she gave me has me questioning whether she has stronger feelings for me. I have to laugh to myself because the thought of us together as a couple could never happen. Even if she felt the same way I do, the life I lead isn’t something I would want for her. I need to put her out of my mind for a while. My emotions from losing Jackson are still running high and I think it is impairing my rational mind.
I need to get back to work and to my brothers. There is a war raging and while my brothers are fighting the enemy, I wait to get word that they need me. Rescuing our military members is the best job in the world, knowing that I can help bring them safely home back to their families is what drives me every day. Jackson and I knew right away that this was something we were meant to do. I will never forget the day the Air Force recruiter came to our high school and spoke with us about what a PJ does. We both wanted in. Unfortunately, just wanting to be Special Ops was not going to help us. Jackson and I trained our whole senior year of high school because we knew the chances of joining the Air Force Pararescue would be extremely difficult.
Now it is just me, no longer and I am part of the team of Mac and Mills.
I glance at my watch and I should be landing in England soon. I will email Emily to let her know I arrived back safely. Who am I kidding? I am not just doing it for her, I am doing it because I hope to hear back from her. I miss her so much already, but I need to get my shit together. Emily and I will never be a couple, and I can’t afford any distractions when I am working.
I have seen some of my brothers get distracted by things that are going on with their wives and girlfriends. Several of them have received Dear John emails. We always rally around these guys when life throws them curveballs.
I will never forget the time that one of the guys, Mickey, learned that his wife had left him for someone else. He was devastated but what goes around comes around because it was not long after that his wife wanted to reunite. She caught her new boyfriend cheating on her. He was tempted to give in but knew that he could never trust her again.
Knowing that worrying about me will not help Emily heal. I will make it my mission to ease her mind as much as I can, and at some point she will not need to hear from me as much. She will find someone she loves, settle down, get married and have children. As long as I can remember she has always wanted the family life. I guess that is why she never dated much, she is picky about who she goes out with. Thank God for that. I would never have been able to be around her if she was parading different guys around. I mean she isn’t like that, but I remember this douche she was dating in high school, Jesse. I was dating Leah at the same time but when I found out that she and Jesse broke up I ended things with Leah. I don’t know why I did that, perhaps in the back of my mind I was hoping we could date. Even if she felt the way I did, her brother would never have allowed it. Of course, there was also the Bro Code. EMILY IS OFF LIMITS!
These last six weeks since Jackson’s funeral have been crazy. My Dad’s business has picked up and I have been working twelve-hour days six days a week. I have been exhausted the last two weeks, I think I need a vitamin B shot or a sleeping pill. Sitting in the waiting room of my doctor’s office, I wonder what Mac is doing. We have exchanged a few short emails just checking in with each other. He has been sweet and kind making sure that I am ok.
Daniel has stopped by a few times. It makes me feel good that Mac asked him to do that, but I still wonder about their conversation. I have known Daniel since Chrissy and I became good friends. He is a fishing guide with his Dad’s charter company and has the sexiest panty dropping smile.
Daniel married his high school sweetheart, Serena, when they were twenty. Two years later they had a beautiful little girl named Lucy. Serena was always the mean girl in school. I don’t know what he saw in her because he is one of the sweetest guys I have ever met. Maybe it is true that opposites attract.
When Lucy was a year old, Daniel caught Serena with another man. Chrissy told me that on Valentine’s Day he went home early to surprise his wife with flowers and dinner but when he arrived, he was the one in for a surprise.
The nurse calling my name shakes me from my daydream. She leads me into the small exam room and gives me a gown to put on. When she comes back in she asks me some routine questions about how I am feeling. As soon as she is done taking my vitals the doctor comes in.
“Hi Emily, haven’t seen you in a while. What brings you in today?”
I tell her about my brother and everything that has gone on the last six weeks. She reassures me that feeling tired can be due to the grief and depression of losing my brother. She checks my chart and then her question shocks me.
“Emily, do you realize you are eight weeks behind on your birth control shot?”
“Oh Jesus, I forgot I was due for my shot the day we got word about my brother. I can’t believe I completely disregarded it.” I say swallowing the lump in my throat.
“Is there any possibility you could be pregnant?”
“Yep” is all I can manage to squeak out before I throw up in the waste basket. I look up at the doctor and she is looking down at me with her eyebrows raised. “Have you been sick before today, Emily?”
“Yes, I got sick one day last week, but I thought it was something I ate.” I reply to her.
“Well, I think a pregnancy test in order. You need to go use the restroom and give me a urine sample,” the doctor says while handing me a small cup.
I can’t freaking believe this. I am not pregnant. I am not pregnant. I keep saying to myself. Maybe if I say it enough it will be true. I mean it isn’t as though I never want babies, I do, lots of the them, but not right now. Oh. My. God. what will I tell Mac? I need to stop because it will come back negative. It just has too.
I enter the bathroom and will myself to pee. My bladder isn’t usually shy, but I think it is in denial like the rest of me. I manage to get a little out hoping it is enough for the doctor to tell me that I am not pregnant. What the hell would I do with a baby, Sean MacAlister’s baby nonetheless. Of course, when I was younger I used to fantasize about marrying Mac and having his babies, but we are not together, and we can never be.
I slip out of the bathroom and meet the doctor back in the exam room to hand her my sample. “How long will this take?” I question her. “Just a few minutes. I will right back with the results.” She says over her shoulder as she pulls the door closed.
My mind is racing with thoughts of being pregnant. Would this ruin my friendship with Mac? Would he hate me, or would he be excited to have a child? I probably won’t have to worry about it, I mean what are the odds? It was a one-time thing, never to be repeated.
I don’t know exactly how much time has passed but when the door opens I jump. I look at the doctor trying to read her face, but I can’t. I watch her as she sits on the stool and rolls up to the edge of where I am sitting.
“Am I pregnant?” I manage to choke out.
“Yes, Emily, you are.”
I feel like I am having an out of body experience as I drive home from the doctor. My life has been changed forever in the blink of an eye. Diapers, bottles, toys, no sleep…all those things are running through my brain. How am I going to do this on my own? How am I going to tell Mac I am pregnant with his child? Should I tell him? Christ. Of course, I need to tell him.
Think Emily… I can’t do this in an email. I have to see him; maybe a video call will have to do but I need some time to get used to the idea of this situation before I speak to him.
Suddenly it strikes me. Oh Jesu
s, what will my father say? What do I say to him? By the way Dad, Mac and I had sex the night of Jackson’s funeral and now I am pregnant. I start to giggle uncontrollably because that it precisely what happened. This is insane. I can’t be a mother yet. This isn’t how I had this planned. I was supposed to meet a man, fall in love with someone who loves me back, get married then kids-that was the plan.
I am having a child with someone who is my friend, not my boyfriend and not my husband. I put my hand over my tummy while I drive past the office. I think about stopping and telling my Dad, but I need to let the news settle in my own mind first.
I pull into my driveway and look at the little blue bungalow that I bought a few years ago. It is a cute three-bedroom house just a few blocks from downtown. It has been a nice little place for me as a single woman. Not too small, not too big. As I sit and stare at it from the driver’s seat, I am overcome with a sense of new purpose, being a mom to a new life. This will be where my child comes home, where he or she takes a first step, and celebrates holidays.
I blow out a breath and look at myself in the rearview mirror. Better buck up Emily, someone else is counting on you now.
I drag myself out of the car and make a mad dash to the house. I can’t get my keys out fast enough and I throw up in my front yard. The doctor informed me that morning sickness can happen at any time, but I am not convinced that this isn’t nerves. I wipe my mouth with the back on my hand then fish out my keys. I need a drink of water then a good nap. I throw my bag on the table and drink a little bit of water.
Oh shit, I am supposed to go out with Chrissy tonight to MacAlister’s. I need to call and cancel. The thought of going there right now makes my head spin. I will tell Chrissy that I’m not feeling well, which isn’t really a lie.
I’ll text her instead, she has always been able to sense apprehension in my voice and I don’t want to have to lie to her about this. Mac has a right to know about the pregnancy first and if I tell Chrissy, she could tell Daniel and then it could get back to Mac.
Me: Hey there, I am not feeling well so I will need to cancel tonight.
Chrissy: Everything ok? What did the doctor say?
Oh, damn it. I forgot I told her that I had the appointment. Think Emily, you can’t let her know.
Me: She told me to get some rest and I should feel better soon.
I mean seven and a half months is soon right?
Chrissy: You sure you are ok? I can bring something over for dinner?
Jesus, just the thought of food makes me want to throw up.
Me: Thanks, but I think I am just going to relax on the couch and read a good book. Probably turn in early.
Chrissy: Ok if you are sure. I will call you tomorrow. Love ya!
Me: Love you too!
Actually, laying on the couch with a nice book does sound good and I know it will not take me long before I close my eyes.
I don’t know exactly how long I have been napping but I hear my email ding on my phone. I open my eyes and it is already dark out. I check my phone…11:00 pm. I have been asleep for six hours. I guess I needed sleep more than I thought.
Still a little groggy, I open my email and I see Mac’s name. A lump immediately forms in my throat. I haven’t heard from him in a few weeks, and I know that there is no way that he could have heard about the baby, but I can’t help freaking out. Usually, I am so excited to hear from him even though our conversations have only focused on platonic topics. We haven’t discussed the night we had sex, but it is always in the back of my mind.
I debate waiting to open the email until the morning, but I know myself better. I will lay awake all-night wondering what he has written. I bite the bullet and open the email.
Sorry it has been a few weeks since I have written. Unfortunately, it has been busy here, but everyone is doing well. How are you doing? Anything new and exciting? We had a nice party honoring Jackson the other night. It was nice to be around people that love and miss him just as much as we do. There are a few guys who are not re-enlisting and are getting out of the service in the next few months. Both have pregnant wives at home and they are anxious to start their civilian lives. Of course, we joke with them about not staying in, but I really do get it. This life is difficult for them while missing their loved ones.
Anyway, next month I am taking a long weekend and going to Ireland and Scotland I want to visit the place where my ancestors come from. You know family is important to me and my dad and I am hoping to meet some of the MacAlister’s who are still living there. I would love to bring my Dad sometime. I think he would love it.
I guess that it is for now. I will try to write again soon. Tell everyone I said hello.
Missing you…Mac.
I blink through my tears as I finish reading the email. Would he understand this situation? Situation? I need to stop thinking of this baby as a situation. Will he hate me when he finds out that I am carrying his child? I know how he feels about family, but I would never ask him to be a part of this child’s life if that isn’t what he wanted. I know this is not the life that he planned.
Rubbing my hands over my face, I think about what to tell him. Do I apologize? This baby was not planned, I mean we aren’t even dating. My mind is so full of thoughts that I can’t focus on anything.
I shut the computer off and curl back under the covers. I think about my brother and how much he would’ve loved a little niece of nephew. He would have been a great uncle.
Who the hell thought scrambled eggs were a good idea? Throwing them out, I take a deep breath through my nose and hope that I don’t get sick again. Dry toast it is.
I shower and dress quickly so that I can meet with a couple who are closing on their house today. I hope that I can keep it together and not get sick in front of them. I definitely need to look up some ways to combat morning sickness when I get home tonight.
My clients arrive at the lawyer’s office on time and it is a quick closing. I am thankful that I don’t vomit in front of everyone. I head back to the office and when I arrive my Dad is sitting at his desk. He looks up from what he is doing with a questioning face.
“Everything ok honey? You look like you don’t feel well. Did the closing go smoothly?” He is fast and furious with his inquisition. I have never lied to my Dad, but I can’t tell him about the baby before I tell Mac, so I fib a little.
“I am ok Dad, just a little tired.” I guess it isn’t really a fib, just not the whole truth.
“It has been a very stressful few months, why don’t you think about taking some time off, travel a little.” He says while leafing through papers.
My Dad has always been a very strong man, he had to be after my mom died. He was a single parent with two kids, thrown into a life he wasn’t prepared for. I thought about that fact when I was trying to count sheep last night. My Dad raised two children pretty much all on his own. He was a great parent, loving, but at the same time he did not let us get away with much.
I am missing my mom more and more since finding out that I am pregnant, but I know that my Dad with be a wonderful grandfather once the shock wears off.
Gathering my things from my office I say goodbye to my Dad and our secretary, June, and head out to the bookstore by my house.
I need to buy some of those popular pregnancy books that will tell me what I should anticipate happening. I really don’t have anyone to ask, since my mom is passed, and Chrissy has never been pregnant. In fact, I am the first of my friends to have a baby. I never thought that it would happen this way. Most of my friends, except for Chrissy, are in relationships so I figured I would be the last one standing.
I buy three books at the store and save them to read tonight hoping it will cut down on my tossing and turning. I have debated about emailing Mac back. I need to tell him that I want to speak with him via video chat.
I open my email with shaky fingers. I just need to get him to agree to talk to me so that I can explain that this wasn’t planned. I also want to reassure him th
at I won’t hold him responsible and don’t have any expectations of him.
I was so glad to receive your latest email. You must be so excited to go to Ireland and Scotland…I am jealous! I am happy to hear that all is well with you and that you are staying safe. Work has been busy since you left, thank God! I needed to keep busy to take my mind off my broken heart.
Mac, I was hoping that we could set up a video chat. If it ok with you I’d like to do it soon because there are some things that I would like to discuss face to face.
Please let me know a good time to set it up. I know about the time difference so whenever is good for you I will make work for me.
Take care of yourself and be safe.
See you soon!
Emily
I received an email from Emily last night and I don’t know what to make of it. I hope everything is ok. I can only imagine how difficult it has been for her to live without her brother. It has been hell for me not to be able to see my best friend.
I really don’t have time to video chat over the next few days. I am being placed on alert due to a high value target extraction. I can’t guarantee her a time, so I send her a quick email to let her know I will be in touch in a few days to set up the chat.
I would love to video chat but unfortunately it will have to wait a few days. Send me your contact information and I will call you as soon as I can. Keep your computer on because I may not be able to give you much advance notice. I hope everything is ok and you are taking care of yourself. Talk soon ok?
Best,
Mac
As soon as I hit send I feel like an ass. For some reason I feel guilty but I can’t afford to be distracted if I get called out. Of course, that doesn’t mean that worrying about this until then is out of the question. Emily has consumed my thoughts in those moments that I could let my guard down. Even though the night we spent together was not out of a mutual love, it will be something that I will always cherish. She is so beautiful inside and out, her kisses are addicting, yet she is a drug I can never consume again.
Rescued Hearts Page 5
