Rescued Hearts

by Angela Nicole

  “Emily, we don’t have a choice. Your baby is at thirty-two weeks. He has a very good chance at survival.” She says trying to reassure me but when she says the word survival, the alarms go off again.

  “Please, I am begging you doctor. I can’t lose Shane and my fiancé.” I tell her through my sobs.

  “I need you to relax Emily. I want to explain some things to you so that you understand what the risks are for a premature baby.”

  “I understand your concern about your son being born prematurely. I want you to know that we will do everything to assist him with his needs. Babies born at thirty-two weeks typically do very well with some support. We will need to help him keep his body temperature where it should be. We may need to help him eat through a feeding tube, and, most likely, we will need to support him with his breathing. I know all of that sounds scary, but the risk to not delivering him right now is greater. I am also concerned for your health and safety. Your father has told me that you were just informed of some bad news about Shane’s father. Once we deliver Shane, your blood pressure should improve, especially when you see your beautiful son.” She pats me on the shoulder but not in a condescending way.

  “I need to speak with my father, please,” I can barely get the words out of my mouth.

  “Ok, I will go get him for you, and Emily we will do all we can for you and your baby. This is an emergency, or we would not be so adamant.” She squeezes my hand and goes to the waiting room to get my Dad.

  I say a prayer that Mac is ok, and that Shane will be too. I try to breathe slowly in order to bring my blood pressure down. They both have to be ok.

  I can hear my father’s voice and I start to cry again. He comes in and when I look up at him he is trying to smile. I know he’s trying to calm me down and it works if only for a second.

  “Daddy, please tell me he is ok.”

  “Honey, Mac is alive. He was shot in the leg, but he survived. He is on his way to Germany for surgery. That is all we know right now.”

  Shot in the leg, shot in the leg. Ok, he can survive that.

  “He is going to be ok Dad, I know it. He wouldn’t leave me and Shane.”

  “I know sweetheart. We won’t know anything else for a while. So, we need to concentrate on you and the baby. You need to listen to the doctor. Your blood pressure is putting Shane at risk. He needs to be delivered to ease that risk.”

  My Dad reaches down and wipes the tears from my face. “You are about to be a mom, and that is what you need to focus on. We can’t do anything for Mac except to pray.”

  I know he is right, but all I can think about is how fast my life has changed. How fast Mac’s life has changed. Please God, he has to be ok.

  Dr. Langdon comes back in to tell me that the OR is all ready for me. My Dad leans down and kisses my forehead, squeezes my hand, and tells me he will see me soon.

  A C-section was never in my thoughts, but here I am being rolled into the operating room. Mac should be here to share this with me, not on his way to have surgery too. I close my eyes while they are transporting me, and I am praying that the three of us are together soon.

  The feeling of loneliness is overwhelming me. How am I going to do this without Mac here?

  Dr. Langdon appears at my side. “Everything is all set Emily. You will see your son very soon.” She smiles and places a sheet in front of me so I can’t see anything. They have given me a spinal anesthetic so I can’t feel what they are doing to me.

  I stare at the ceiling, I feel some pressure and pulling but not pain. I am trying to block out the beeps and bells in the operating room. The medical staff is talking to me, telling me what they are doing but I can’t make out what they are saying. I close my eyes and picture Mac. I wonder if he feels as alone as I do right now. I hope he feels that I’m thinking of him.

  I really don’t know how long I am lost in my thoughts, but a soft cry pulls me from them. “Oh Emily, he is beautiful.” She brings him up to me so that I can see him for myself. She is right, he is perfect.

  Tears are streaming down my face, but I quickly scan his little body to make sure he is real.

  “Is he ok?” I ask.

  “We are going to get him cleaned up, weighed and off to the neonatal intensive care unit. Once we get him set up, we will bring you in to see him. You did a perfect job, and I can tell he is a fighter,” she smiles at me as she takes Shane away.

  He is so tiny; my heart breaks for him. Again, my thoughts drift to Mac while they stitch me up. What must he be going through? What must our son be going through? I guess it isn’t a time for a pity party. I have to be the strong one for all three of us.

  An hour later, I am brought to my recovery area. It is close to the NICU. The nurses tell me that I can see Shane often which is great, but if someone doesn’t let me see him soon. I am going to get out of this bed and go find him.

  There is a knock at my door, “Up for some company?” It’s Mac’s dad and mine.

  Mac’s Dad looks absolutely drained. “Patrick, have you heard any more about Mac?” I ask.

  He shakes his head. “No, but I am making plans to fly to Germany tomorrow morning. I need to see him with my own two eyes,” he says and I know the feeling. He walks over to my bed and leans down to kiss my forehead. “I will tell him all about how well you did today and how perfect his son is.”

  “You did a great job honey. Mac will be very proud of you.” My Dad says from the chair where he is sitting.

  “I just need to know that they are both ok. I love them so much. I can’t lose either of them!” I don’t cry this time; now I am defiant. Just as I am about to ring for the nurse, she comes in. “Are you ready to go see your handsome son?” she asks.

  I try to stifle my bitch mode, but I can’t. “I have been ready since he was delivered.” She chuckles, “I bet you have. Let’s go see your guy.” She gets me into a wheelchair while my Dad and Patrick step out into the hall.

  I am the only one to go into the NICU to see Shane. My Dad and Patrick can see him through a window from the hall.

  The nurse wheels me up his incubator. I gasp when I see all of the tubes and wires attached to him. “I know it can look overwhelming Emily, but everything there is to help him grow and flourish so that you can take him home.”

  “I tried to prepare myself for how he would look. I mean I have seen pictures of babies in the NICU before but it just breaks my heart to see him like this.” I say not even looking at her. I can’t take my eyes from Shane.

  The nurse explains all the wires and tubes. He has a feeding tube where they are giving him nourishment until my breast milk comes in. Shane also has a nasal cannula to help him get oxygen.

  “Go ahead Emily, see that hole in the side of the unit. Put your finger in there and touch your son. Touch therapy is a necessary for your baby and for you. Later today, we will bring him to your room where you can place him next to your chest. He is a good size for thirty-two weeks, four pounds two ounces.”

  I look up at her, and she nods. My hands are trembling, and I am not sure if it is excitement, adrenaline or cautiousness. I reach in with my hand and touch my son for the first time. Touching his little arm is an amazing sensation. I can feel Mac through him, the love that we have for each other.

  My mind is hazy, but I can feel pain in my leg. It is a searing, burning pain. I try to open my eyes, but I am unable. I hear voices around me, so I don’t think I am dead yet. I catch words, such as gunshot, shattered bone, amputation, blood pressure, and then nothing.

  I head back to my room. Once I get settled into my bed, Chrissy and Daniel show up. As soon as I see my best friend’s face I start to cry. “Oh shit, Emily.” Chrissy says as she runs over to me. Wrapping her arms around me, she whispers to me that everything will be ok.

  “Your Dad called me to let me know what happened. Daniel and I walked by the NICU and saw Shane. He is so sweet Emily, and I think he is going to look like Mac,” she says with a smile.

  I nod but don�
�t say anything out of fear that I will start to cry again.

  Daniel comes over to my bed and sits in the chair next to it. He pulls it close and holds my hand. “You know Mac is going to be ok Emily. He will do everything he can to get back to you and Shane.” Daniel has a smile that is contagious. As badly as I feel, I can’t help but smile back.

  “I know Daniel. He won’t leave us now.”

  Daniel relaxes and leans back in the chair. “I told Lucy about Shane, and she said she would be a great babysitter.” We all laugh because Lucy is four years old but acts like a mother hen already. Lucy is a sweet little girl. She definitely takes after her Dad in the personality department, thank God.

  “Give her a kiss for me and tell her that Auntie Emily said she can babysit when she gets a wee bit older.”

  “So, any idea how long you and Shane will be in the hospital?’ Chrissy asks.

  “I will be here a few more days, and Shane will most likely be here for weeks. He is so tiny, Chrissy. I feel so guilty that I had to deliver him so early.”

  “Hey, my brother here was born at twenty-eight weeks and look at him now.” She tells me as she points to Daniel.

  “Wow, I didn’t know you were a preemie Daniel. You’d never know it seeing how tall and sexy you are now.” I tease him although it is very true. He is about 6’4 with a great body.

  “By the way, why are you still single?” I say trying to get the attention off me and my troubles.

  Daniel gives me a sexy smirk, “Really, you have to ask that? Does the name Serena ring a bell?”

  “I seem to remember that name.” I wink. “Come on tell me why there isn’t anyone special in your life.”

  “God, Emily you sound like Chrissy and my Dad.”

  “Well, we all love you and want you to be happy.” Chrissy chimes in.

  Thank God for these two because they are starting to make me relax.

  “Daniel, you are a catch. Any woman would be lucky to have you.” I add.

  “Ok you two. I have enough on my plate with Lucy, my ex, and working on the boat. Plus, I haven’t found anyone who makes me want to try again.”

  Just as I am about to give him a lecture, the nurse brings a wheelchair in to take me to Shane.

  “Ok, everyone out. Time for Mommy and son to have some alone time together,” she says gesturing to Chrissy and Daniel.

  “Alright Emily. We are going to head out and see Patrick. Daniel is going to take him to the airport in the morning. I am sure he will keep us posted on Mac’s condition as soon as he can.” Chrissy tells me, and I am smacked right back into reality.

  Spending time holding our son makes me feel close to Mac. They said that his body temperature was good, but they still want me to wrap him when I hold him against my chest.

  It gives me comfort since I haven’t heard anything from Patrick yet. I am sure that he is frantic about Mac, but the wait is driving me crazy. So, I focus on my sweet little angel to get me through. Looking down at him now, he looks like he has gotten bigger. I am sure it is wishful thinking.

  My Dad and Chrissy have been in a few times to check on us. They have brought in presents for me and Shane, including a journal that Chrissy thought I could use to chronicle Shane’s daily journey so that Mac can read it when he gets better.

  I have been thinking about how much I am going to miss the baby when I go home tomorrow. Although I will be here every day to hold him and read to him, I am scared to leave him alone.

  I can feel my eyes getting heavy, so I get comfortable to take a nap. Suddenly, I hear my father ‘s voice in the hall. It startles me, so I sit up and wait for him to come in. When he does he is on the phone, it sounds like he is talking to Patrick.

  He thanks him for calling and comes into my room.

  I am at full attention sitting upright in my bed. “What is it Dad? Tell me.”

  My Dad blows out a breath, which alarms me.

  “Honey, that was Patrick. He made it to Germany but hadn’t been able to see Mac until today. That is why he hasn’t called.”

  “Dad spit it out, just tell me what is going on with him.” As soon as it comes out I apologize. “I’m sorry for snapping. I just need to know what is going on.”

  “Emily, Mac is stable but was shot in the leg during a rescue mission. His bones were shattered by the bullets. The doctor’s in Germany are afraid of the chance for infection because Mac was laying in the mud for a few hours before they could get him out,” he adds looking at the floor.

  “What else Daddy? What is it you are not telling me?” I ask, not sure that I want to know the answer.

  “Sweetheart, they are going to amputate his leg just below the knee in order to save it. This will give him the best chance to walk again.” He tears his eyes away from the floor and looks at me.

  “Oh God no,” I am shaking my head in denial. I squeeze my eyes shut as the tears roll down my cheeks; my chest heaving with sobs. A thousand thoughts run through my head. Will he be able to continue his career with the military in some capacity? How will he drive? My thoughts change to Shane. Will Mac be able to run and chase his son?

  Then it as if a light guides me to what really matters. Mac is alive. Everything else will come in time. He will walk, drive, ride his motorcycle, and chase his son. I will make sure of it.

  As the shock starts to wear off, I have more questions. “Did Patrick say when they would be doing the surgery?”

  “He said that they are going to do it tonight. Mac is in a drug induced coma, so he hasn’t had a chance to speak with him. I guess the doctors feel it better for Mac to keep him under than to wake him up and get him agitated before the surgery.”

  “I guess that makes sense. Did Patrick say what the recovery would be for Mac?”

  My Dad nods, “Patrick said Mac would be there for a while depending on how well the surgery goes. They will then send him to back to the U.S., most likely to D.C., for therapy and rehab. He will know more a few days after the surgery.”

  “I want to see him, Dad. It’s impossible, I know, but I need to tell Mac how much I love him. I want to tell him how much Shane and I need him.”

  “Honey, he knows how much you love him. He will be so proud of you once he finds out about Shane and how strong you have been,” my Dad says to reassure me.

  I lay my head back on the pillow trying to stay calm. I can’t afford to get worked up around the baby. I need to focus on getting him bigger and stronger so we can go support his Daddy.

  We don’t hear from Patrick for another two days and it has been torture. I left the hospital yesterday, and it was very difficult knowing I was leaving my baby there alone. I cried all night and did not sleep at all. When I tried to close my eyes all I could picture is Mac laying in his hospital bed in Germany and Shane in his incubator. We are a fragmented family right now, but I will not stop until we are all together.

  When Patrick finally calls me. He lets me know that Mac did very well with the surgery and they will start to bring him out of the coma tomorrow. He said it may take a while until he is fully conscious. It makes me sad to know that he isn’t even aware of all that has happened. I tell Patrick to let him know that I will be up to D.C. to see him as soon as I can, and that Shane and I love and miss him.

  After the call, I get ready to go to the hospital. I need some cuddle time with my little guy. I was able to pump breast milk for the first time. Taking it to the hospital, I hope that Shane will take to it. He needs to get big and strong like his Daddy.

  When I arrive at the hospital, my Dad is at the window looking at Shane. “Hey Dad, how’s the little guy doing this morning?”

  “Gosh sweetie, he is so alert. He seems to have gotten bigger in the last few days. Do you think he looks like your brother?”

  “Um, I really don’t see that Dad. I think he is going to look like Mac. I bet he will have his dark hair and eyes.” My eyes settle on my son, my anchor in this crazy time.

  My Dad puts his arms around my shoulders an
d leans his head against mine. “I think your brother is Shane and Mac’s guardian angel. Knowing your brother, he will protect both of them with everything he is. I’m sure that he is very proud of you sweetheart, don’t ever lose faith.”

  Ok, now I am crying again. “Thanks Daddy. I have a feeling you are going to have to remind me of that again.” I wipe my cheeks and kiss his. “I’m going to see if I can try and feed Shane now. I’ll call you later.”

  My Dad says goodbye and I walk into Shane’s room. I wave hello to all the staff and get settled into a chair in the corner. This has become my routine. His neonatal nurse, Bev wheels him over to me. “You have perfect timing. Your guy was starting to get hungry. I take the bottle from my bag, as she hands me Shane, a sense of peace and calmness comes over me. This, right here, right now is all that matters.

  I attempt to put the bottle in his mouth, and he makes a funny face. With a little more coaxing and assistance from the nurse, he finally latches on to the nipple of the bottle. I rock him while he eats, and I let my mind drift to the future, the day when the three of us can be together.

  The nurse tells me that Shane did very well with his first bottle feeding even though he did not eat much. She said that he needs to build up to it and every little bit helps.

  I can tell he is going to be a very good boy. He manages to let out a few sweet little noises and then drifts off to sleep. I continue to rock him while he sleeps. This is the best part of the day; I just wonder what the next few days hold.

  The sounds are faint, but they are there. I think I can hear my name. Trying to open my eyes is almost impossible. It’s as if there are heavy weights ties to my eyelids.

  My throat. There’s something in my throat that I need to get out. I try to reach for it, but I can’t move my arms. What the fuck? Come on man, I tell myself. Open your fucking eyes.