The Big Book of Boy Stuff

by Bart King

  Here are some of the common emergencies that a boy might run into around the house.

  Your Head Is Stuck Between the Railings

  At first you will panic when you realize that your head is stuck. Calm down. If your head went in, it will come out, just not as easily. Your ears might get a little crushed on the return trip, but that’s a price you’re going to have to pay for pretending that you were an animal in the zoo.

  First, try facing straight forward, with your head even. Now slide your head as far to the top of the railings as you can. The width between the rails is a little wider there. Try pulling your head out. No luck?

  Yell for help. If you still can’t get out, have your helper try rubbing mayonnaise on the sides of your head. Get your head back up to the top of the railing and try it again.

  Still no good? Find a crowbar and start thinking of a good excuse for your parents.

  You Have a Bean, Marble, or Other Item Stuck Up Your Nose or In Your Ear

  For some reason, at least once in a boy’s lifetime, he decides to do things backwards. Instead of pulling things out of his nose, he’ll stick something in it. And now it’s stuck in there!

  Naturally, you want to get it out, but be careful not to shove it farther in! See if you can’t close off one nostril and then “blow” out the other one, just like you’re blowing your nose. If you’re lucky, that lima bean will pop right out, even greener than it was before.

  No dice? Try pushing the object down out of your nose from the outside. Gently push on the outside of the nose to coax the marble out.

  Still no good? If the object is a bean (or something soft) and it isn’t stuck too far up there, you can carefully use some tweezers to try to pluck it out. At this point, if you still can’t get it out, it’s time to call your doctor. You may feel silly, but trust me, they see the old “bean in the schnozz” emergency all the time. They have a small suction device that will take care of your problem right away.

  You Clogged the Toilet

  So, you busted a grumpy, huh? (See “Gross Stuff” chapter.) The toilet clogs when there is too much, uh, toilet paper in it and the water can’t drain away.

  The key is to act quickly. Don’t just stare at the toilet filling up saying, “Uh-oh.” You don’t want that mess to overflow! As soon as the toilet backs up, get down on your hands and knees and look behind the toilet. You will see a valve there. This valve lets the water into the toilet. Quickly start turning that valve to the right (remember: righty-tighty!). This will shut off the water to the toilet so that it can’t fill anymore.

  Now back out of the bathroom and close the door. Put up a sign that says, “Don’t use toilet.” Wait for your parents to deal with it now. Trust me, you don’t want any part of the rest of the solution.

  You Left the House Without a Coat, and It’s Really Cold Outside

  Come on, do I have to explain every little thing to you? Either tough it out, borrow a jacket, or call your parents. Besides, how cold is it? There are parts of Siberia that regularly get to 50 degrees below zero (Fahrenheit). In 1983, Vostok, Antarctica, recorded 128 degrees below zero, a world’s record. That’s cold!

  At that temperature, breathing is fun and deadly. When you breathe out, the water vapor in your breath freezes in the air like tiny ice cubes. That’s fun. But your lungs are very wet on the inside; if you breathe in air that cold, your lungs will be covered in frost. This is deadly and it kills you. (That’s not fun.)

  More Fun with Cold! If the temperature is ever down to about 10 degrees Fahrenheit where you live, go outside and blow some bubbles. If they don’t pop right away, they may fly long enough to freeze and then shatter in the air. Very, very cool. (By the way, Hell is the name of a village in Norway. Hell freezes over in the winter.)

  Big Boys Do Cry! Let’s say that you have an accident. Maybe you fell off your skateboard, or your parachute didn’t open that time you went skydiving. Is it okay to cry? Sure! Surveys show that up until age 12, boys and girls cry the same amount. After that, boys (and men) cry between one and two times a month. (Girls and women cry about five times a month.)

  What’s the most dangerous job in the nation? Police officer? Fireperson? How about taxi driver? More taxi drivers are the victims of murder while working each year than any other occupation.

  The Consumer Product Safety Commission is in charge of making sure that children’s products are not dangerous. One winter season, they had 80,000 buttons made up to be given away at toy stores. The buttons read “For Kids’ Sakes, Think Toy Safety.” Unfortunately, the buttons had lead in their paint, sharp edges, and could easily be swallowed by a child. They all had to be recalled.

  Special Feature: The Worst Emergencies in History

  The worst emergencies and disasters usually come about from a natural cause, like an earthquake, a hurricane, or a disease. For example, experts agree that the world’s worst emergency was probably the arrival of a disease called “The Black Death” in Europe in 1347. Eventually, 75 million people died from this disease, which was spread by fleas. More recently, in the 1920s and ‘30s there were massive food shortages in the Ukraine. More than 12 million people died of starvation, and living people had to eat dead ones to survive. Jellied meats and sausages made from human flesh were the only types of meat available.

  One of the strangest man-made emergencies was the “London Killer Fog.” You see, they get such thick fog in England, it is called “pea soup.” Thanks to air pollution, this fog has sometimes combined with smog and turned yellow. In 1952, the city of London had a week of severe fog. The fog did not burn off or blow away as it usually does, and it trapped all the air pollution that was released from cars and factories. As many as 16,000 people died from breathing the pollution. This killer pea soup helped to wake up the world to the importance of taking care of our planet.

  Follow-Up Activity

  Wait for a situation that is the opposite of an emergency. (This could be something like dropping your fork from the dinner table or seeing a plane in the distance.) Call a friend on your phone. Tell him that you have a nonemergency situation. Describe it carefully and tell them where you are, so that the men in the white suits know where to pick you up.

  Experiments!

  “Back in the day,” we used to experiment with Life Savers. We would get some mint “Wint-O-Green” Life Savers, go into a closet, and close the door. We would then chomp down on the Life Savers with our teeth, and watch the colored lights flash in each others’ mouths! We didn’t know that we were seeing something called “triboluminescence” (tri-bo-loom-in-es-ens)—we just knew it looked cool. If you want to spare your teeth, just put the Life Savers in a plastic sandwich bag, go in the closet, and hit them with a hammer.

  Try the same thing with a Curad strip bandage; don’t chew on it, just wait for your eyes to adjust to the dark, then grab the bandage’s tabs and yank them open. You’ll see a flash of light!

  Now it’s time to get out your white laboratory coat, Russian accent, and test tubes, because we are going to have a few experiments around here! (If you want to try to present these as tricks to an audience, make sure to read the tips in the “Magic!” chapter.)

  The following experiments are all pretty simple, with the easiest ones listed first. And remember, an experiment does not always work the first time. Think about what you did, check the instructions, and experiment again. That’s why they’re called experiments! Sometimes you have to experiment until you get it right.

  Here is the only math equation you will find in this book:

  111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

  It’s Different for Girls

  Girls and boys are different in many mysterious ways.

  You Need:

  1 male human (over eleven years old; ten might work)

  1 female human (over eleven years old; ten might work)

  2 lip gloss or chapstick or lipstick containers (don’t worry, nobody has to put it on)

  A simple e
xperiment! Have your boy and girl volunteers kneel on the floor. Make sure that their legs are together.

  Now, have both of them bend forward and put their elbows up against their knees. Their forearms should extend forward from the knees, with the palms flat against the floor. (Their legs should still be together.)

  Place the lip gloss containers (or whatever you’re using) upright at the end of their fingers. Okay, now you’re ready. Have both of them now kneel up straight with their legs still together. Have them clasp their hands behind their backs, above their waists.

  Now tell them this: “Keeping your arms and legs in their positions, lean forward, knock the lip gloss over with your nose, and return to the kneeling-up position.”

  Watch them! The odds are very high that the girl can do it. The odds are very high that the boy can’t!

  The reason this happens is because girls tend to have more body weight in the lower half of their bodies than boys do. They can balance better! Next in this chapter are two other balancing experiments. (You can easily do them as magic tricks.)

  Other Strength and Balance Experiments!

  These don’t require girls.

  Stand Up

  Have your subject stand with his feet together, four foot-lengths from a wall. Have him lean in to the wall with his hands at his sides, so that his forehead is on the wall. Now tell him to stand up straight. He can’t!

  Weak in the Knees

  Tell your volunteer that in a moment he will be unable to lift his right knee while standing on his left leg. You will not interfere or touch him in any way.

  Have this person stand with the outside edge of his left foot against a door or wall. Now tell him to put his left shoulder against the wall. After the person has done this, wave your hand over his right knee and say your magic words. “Great Googly-Moogly!” Tell the person to keep his left foot and shoulder against the wall and to lift his right knee. He can’t. It’s magic! (Plus, it can’t be done!)

  You Can’t Make Me

  For this experiment, find someone who is stronger than you. (I know, it’s not easy.) Challenge them to a strength contest.

  Grab your head! Seat yourself on the floor and put your open hand on top of your head, spreading your fingers as wide as you can. Now tell your opponent to try to lift your arm up so that it isn’t on your head anymore. He cannot make any quick moves (or kick you or pull from an angle), he can only pull straight up. He can’t do it, even if he actually picks you up! You’re stronger!

  Strength-Sucker

  Tell your volunteer that you can take away all of his strength with one finger. First, have him sit back in a chair. Tell him to relax, to totally relax. Have him fold his arms and tell him to keep them folded. Step forward, sneakily put the toes of your shoes against his toes. Lean forward, say your magic words (I still like Great Googly-Moogly!) and gently but firmly press your finger against his forehead.

  Tell him to rise. He cannot. Tell him to stand up! He cannot! It is impossible to stand up if you are leaning back in your chair, and can’t use your arms, and can’t move your feet (unless the person cheats and slips out the side.) But he didn’t know that! Nice work!

  Opposites Attract

  Static electricity can make water bend!

  You Need:

  an inflated balloon

  a sink with running water

  a wool sweater

  This is so basic, it’s ridiculous. Blow up your balloon and tie it with a knot. Turn on the tap water in the sink. Don’t turn it up high; keep the water stream small. Now push the balloon near the running water. Nothing happens! Now rub the balloon on the wool sweater. Really rub it! When you’re done, push the portion of the balloon you were rubbing toward the running water. Don’t get too close, because you’ll see that the water is more than happy to help! That’s right, the water stream will bend as it tries to get at the balloon! Basically, the static electricity in the balloon (which is negatively charged) is attracting the positively charged part of the water.

  Note: If the balloon gets wet, all charges are lost. Dry it off completely and try again.

  Jumping Beans, Swimming Raisins

  I don’t know about other dried fruits, but raisins are great swimmers! This is an easy experiment with a fun result.

  You Need:

  any cold, clear carbonated drink: clear soda, mineral water, and tonic water all work

  a glass or jar

  a handful of raisins

  Pour your drink into the glass. Bubbly! Now put a handful of raisins in the glass. They sink! Of course, that’s because raisins are heavier than water. Wait...they’re rising! They’re at the top! Now they’re going down again...Dive, dive, dive!

  What happens? The raisins are initially heavier than the liquid, but as they sink, they get coated with bubbles. The bubbles form a “life preserver” for the raisins and raise them to the top! There the bubbles burst, and the raisin sinks again. The show is over when the bubbles run out!

  Extra twist: Try turning this into a magic trick! Do the experiment the same way, but when the raisins sink the first time, start saying spells and acting like a spazz to get them to rise. (By the way, this trick also works with plastic pushpins.)

  Extra, extra twist: Try doing the same trick with small, round pieces of Silly Putty. It should work! Now try this: If you put a ball of Silly Putty into water, it will sink. But if you shape your Silly Putty like a boat, it floats!

  Journey to the Apple’s Core

  Tell a spectator what you’re going to do and watch their eyes widen!

  You Need:

  a piece of paper

  a knife

  an apple

  a cutting board

  Fold the piece of paper once and set the blade of the knife into the fold. You are now going to cut the apple in half, without cutting the paper at all!

  Put the apple on the cutting board. Set the knife blade on top of the paper and begin pushing it down on the apple. (Don’t saw it; just push carefully down.) After you cut through the apple, check out the paper: It’s still in one piece!

  Beware the Deadly Straw

  Sure you can suck liquids through a straw, but straws are also very dangerous!

  You Need:

  plastic straws

  an uncooked potato

  This is a fun experiment to do as a magic trick! Just take the potato and try to stab it with a straw. The straw will bend and maybe stab into the potato a little bit if you’re lucky.

  Now say a magic word (Hottentot tatertot!) and hold your thumb over the hole at the end of the straw while you stab the potato with the other end. It should go right into the potato. The farther you push it in, the stronger the straw will get; as the air is trapped inside, the straw gets compressed, making the straw more powerful!

  Money Laundering

  I did this experiment in a Mexican restaurant with salsa. It was muy caliente!

  You Need:

  vinegar and/or salsa

  salt

  a bowl

  dirty coins, preferably pennies

  a towel or rag

  This is an interesting experiment to do with your money. Just put two cups of vinegar and 1/2 cup of salt in a bowl and stir them together. Take some dirty, filthy, disgusting pennies and throw them in the mix. If you watch them carefully, you will see them grow shinier before your eyes! Once they’re clean, just rinse them in water, dry them, and spend them!

  If you want to see something really amazing, do the above experiment, but after you put the pennies in the vinegar, put a clean iron nail in with them. Wait for 15 minutes, and the nail will be coated with copper, while the pennies are perfectly clean!

  If you use salsa instead of vinegar, throw the coins in and leave them for a little while. The “hotter” the salsa is, the less time they need. What happens is that the acid in the salsa or vinegar sort of “burns” the dirt right off of the coins. This is the same thing that happens if you get some of it in your eyes: It hurts like crazy! Th
e weird thing is, even though salsa burns the heck out of your eyes, you put it in your stomach! The acid that is already in your stomach is much more powerful, so there is no harm done.

  I Am Iron Man

  You’ve got a lot of heavy metal in your body, and you don’t even know it!

  You Need:

  any breakfast cereal that has “100 percent iron” or reduced iron” or “iron”

  a plastic bowl

  water

  any magnet that you can hold in your hand and stir with

  Your body contains many different metals. One of the most important of these is iron. This is the same metal that you sometimes see rusting; it is in buildings, cars, and you.

  To prove this, pour cereal into a bowl, then add water. Let the cereal get soggy. Then take the magnet and start stirring the cereal with it. You’re going to have to stir a lot; if you have a younger brother or sister, try to trick them into helping you. (It might take up to 30 minutes of stirring to make this work!)

  After stirring for a while, check your magnet. You should start to see small black particles forming on it. Keep going! You will get more! You’ll be rich! Actually, you’ll just have a lot of iron. Those small black particles are pieces of metal. You don’t usually notice them when you’re eating food because they’re so small. They have to be small for you to digest them. Believe it or not, there is gold in your body too!

  Outer Space Metal! The next time you go to the beach, bring along that magnet. Once you get there, tie the magnet to a string and walk around, dragging it through the sand behind you. The magnet will collect metal particles as you walk. The coolest thing is that about 20 percent of those particles are from meteors!