The Big Book of Boy Stuff

by Bart King

  But before you make a campfire, ask yourself this question: “Do I even need a campfire?” If it’s warm out and you’re not cooking anything, don’t start one. A fire will “blind” you from seeing the activity of any nighttime animals around you. Bats are flying, animals are peeking at you, and the moon is coming up. Without a fire, the stars in the sky are brighter and you can enjoy the sounds of the wilderness. Try a candle lantern or a small light source for a while and see if you like it.

  If you decide to start a campfire, you must be very careful! All it takes is one spark or ember from your campfire to start a forest fire. Every year, some half-wit starts a huge forest fire that destroys thousands of acres of wilderness because he didn’t follow these steps carefully. Don’t be that half-wit!

  1. Make sure that fires are allowed in the area you want to use. Also remember that campfires underneath trees are a bad idea. There should be nothing flammable hanging over the fire at all.

  Try to pick a campfire spot that is downwind from your campsite. Clear the ground of anything that can burn for a distance of at least 10 to 12 feet around the fire pit. If you can, use a fire pit that is already built, with large, flat stones around it. This keeps the fire contained and gives you a spot to prop up your marshmallow sticks!

  Avoid using river stones for your fire pit. They can crack or even explode when heated. If it is possible, get a large pot and fill it with water. Keep it by the fire pit for any problems that might occur.

  2. Gather twigs, dry bark, and small sticks as well as some larger pieces of wood. Only gather dead wood from the forest floor; never chop off live branches to start a fire. Then make a pile of your smallest, driest twigs in the center of your fire pit. Next, take your longer twigs and build a little teepee over the pile. If you have a match, strike it and hold it in the middle of the teepee. If you don’t have a match or a lighter, just rub two Boy Scouts together for a spark.

  If you think that the area you are visiting may be wet or may not have twigs, bring some paper and/or kindling with you. An old trick is to bring lint from the dryer to start your fire. (Hey, that rhymes!) Lint is lightweight and burns like a son-of-a-gun. Don’t use lighter fluids! They can start a fire too quickly...a forest fire, that is!

  *You should never burn poison oak! Burning it releases poisons into the air! Poison oak and poison ivy both have leaves that grow in groups of 3. You know the old saying: “Leaves of three, take a pee.” (Wait, that’s not it.) “Leaves of three, let them be.” (That’s it!) Poison oak leaves are usually green and they look like oak leaves. (Duh!) They can grow as bushes or as vines.

  3. As the fire gets going, add a few slightly larger pieces of wood. Start with a small fire; you can always make it bigger. On the other hand, if you make it too big, it is very difficult to make it smaller!

  Now that the fire is going, you should notice something unusual: The wind direction has reversed and the smoke is blowing in your face! Rats! This always seems to happen. Since the fire is now going, remember that there always has to be someone there to watch it. You must never leave a fire by itself. If you’re leaving, put it out.

  4. If you want to get fancy, make yourself a “keyhole fire.” This type of fire has a rock perimeter in the shape of a keyhole. The handy part about it is that you rake coals from the main fire to the top of the keyhole, where you can do your real cooking without worrying about getting burned.

  Another way to cook over an open fire is the old “double-Y-stick-crossbar” cooking set-up. If you can find two forked sticks, plant them well in the ground and put another branch across the top. Make sure the stick going across the fire is high enough not to catch on fire!

  After you finish cooking your meal, put two pots of water on the fire. One will be for washing the dishes and one will be for washing yourself. By the time you’re done eating, the water will be warm and ready to use.

  5. When it is time to put out or “douse” the fire, sprinkle water over the whole fire area. Once the flames are down, then stir the ashes and embers and pour more water on it. Drown it! Pour extra water on it to make sure it is out! You’ll know the fire is out when you can walk on it barefoot. Then bury all the remains of the fire under dirt. Don’t accidentally cover the fire with sod, old leaves, or pine needles. This can cause it to smolder for hours, and even to start again.

  Special Feature: There is no marshmallow in marshmallows!

  Yes, marshmallows are tasty; even better, they catch on fire when held over the campfire. Try toasting a marshmallow and then sucking out its melted insides, leaving only the cooked skin.

  This magical food used to be made by the ancient Egyptians from the marshmallow plant (Althaea officinalis). For them, marshmallow was a honey-flavored candy thickened with the sap of the marshmallow plant. Today, marshmallow plants grow in the eastern United States near salt marshes and on banks near large bodies of water.

  But the modern marshmallows you buy are just a mixture of sugar and gelatin. (The gelatin replaces the marshmallow sap.) This fluffy mixture is pushed through long tubes, like a Playdoh Fun Factory. The long white tube that comes out is then cut into pieces, which usually end up on the end of a stick over a campfire. But whether you like them lightly toasted or as black as the night, remember: There is no marshmallow in marshmallows!

  Pooping and Peeing

  Some people think that you should not poop in the woods because there are plenty of logs there already. Nevertheless, when you have to go, you have to go, and Nature calls a lot louder when you are out in it. A good rule of thumb for pooping and peeing is to take care of your business at least 100 feet from camp.

  Peeing

  Here are the most important words you will ever read: Don’t pee into the campfire! The smell will be awful and everyone will hate you. Pee where nobody will be disturbed by you, but don’t get lost. Think of how embarrassing that would be.

  Father: How did you get lost, Timmy?

  Timmy: I was going to take a pee, and the next thing I knew, I was lost.

  Forest animals: Timmy is a wee todd! Timmy is a wee todd!

  Some male campers just keep a wide-mouth jug near their sleeping bag in case they have to go during the night. (Thank goodness you were born a boy.) Just make sure that nobody wants any lemonade in the morning.

  Pooping

  Taking a good dump in the wilderness requires you to hunker down. This means that since you don’t have a toilet to sit on, you’re just going to have to pretend. Now you’re hunkering! After you’re done, most good campers do a thing called cat sanitation. That means they bury their poop, like a cat does.

  You Need:

  A small shovel. Dig a hole at least 6- to 8-inches deep, hunker down, and poop into it! (Obviously, you can’t do this on rock.)

  Toilet paper. If you have ever had to wipe using bark or leaves, you’ll know it is not very pleasant. It’s even worse if you accidentally grab some poison oak! Be sure to clean up well. You don’t want to leave any “dew on the lily,” if you know what I mean. This could lead to bacon strips in your underwear instead of in the frying pan where they belong. As for the toilet paper, be friendly to the environment. Either burn it or bring a zipper-lock baggie and pack it out with you.

  If you will be camping in the same spot for a while, just sprinkle some dirt over your poop so that others can use the spot. When you are done with your poop hole, cover it up completely and run away!

  Hiking

  Hiking? How hard could it be? Don’t you just put one foot in front of the other? Well, yes, but there are many other things to think about.

  Attitude

  Camping is for people who like to “rough it.” Luckily, most boys don’t mind getting a little sweaty and dirty in the great outdoors. Boys know that something will go wrong during a trip; you can count on it! This gives us a chance to show that we’re not afraid of a challenge. Be a hard-core positive thinker. Nothing is good or bad, unless you think it is good or bad, so whenever you go on any trip, rememb
er, nothing can get you down.

  Father: Son, I’m sorry that the squirrel stole your pocketknife.

  Son (cheerfully): That’s okay Dad, he probably needed it more than I did.

  Father: Son, it’s starting to rain.

  Son (happily): I love the sound of the rain hitting the leaves, don’t you, Dad?

  Father: Son, I’m stuck in quicksand.

  Son (not worried): Don’t worry Dad! I’ll use my pocketknife to cut a pole and then I’ll pull you out! Oops, I forgot about that darn squirrel! Sorry, Dad!

  Father: Glub, glub.

  Clothes

  Yes, you need to wear them so you don’t scare the animals.

  Speed

  If you are like most boys, you will want to go fast! But hiking fast is a good way to get lost, sprain an ankle, and miss all the views. You should figure on going about two miles every hour. Try this: Don’t walk more than a quarter-mile without coming to a complete stop and looking around. You will see a lot more this way, and you won’t get as tired. (You should stop less as you get more tired, because it’s harder to get moving again.)

  Drink

  As you are hiking, if you can’t remember the last time you drank some water, then drink some water! Don’t wait until you’re thirsty to drink. If you do, you will tend to drink too much all at once, which can lead to bloating, cramps, and flash floods when you pee.

  Getting Lost

  People often think that they are lost when they are not: when you are hiking somewhere you’ve never been before, it is especially easy to think you are lost.

  To avoid getting lost, pay attention to where you are going. Have your trail map handy and notice landmarks as you go. Stay on the trail! Good hikers don’t go ten steps off a trail unless they know exactly what they are doing. Don’t go off the trail to chase a leprechaun. Do not follow deer trails; these are for deer, and deer never get lost. (These trails tend to just vanish if you actually do follow them.) Also, don’t take shortcuts!

  Now let’s say that you actually are lost. You are separated from your party and now you really don’t know where you are. Guess what? You’ll be fine. People are already looking for you.

  Don’t panic. If you don’t have a very good idea of which way to go, get in some shade and stay put. Do you have a whistle in your first-aid kit? Get it out. Blow on it every 5 minutes or so. Get a drink of water. Stay calm. Don’t start a fire unless it’s freezing and safe to do so. Do tie a brightly colored piece of cloth to a stick and wave it around. And keep blowing that whistle every 5 minutes. You can yell “Help” too, but not continuously, or your voice will give out.

  Whiners

  A whiner (also known as a “wussy”) is someone who doesn’t like a challenge. What they like to do is complain! If it gets hot, a whiner lets everyone know it. If the whiner is hungry or tired, he will repeat it over and over without realizing that everyone feels the same way. Whiners don’t have a sense of humor and they don’t know how to have fun. Luckily, you do!

  Whiner: I’m so tired...Are we almost there?

  You: Cheer up! Only ten more miles of hiking to go!

  Whiner: Ten miles!? Is it uphill?

  You: Yes, it’s actually uphill coming and going!

  Whiner: Oh no! I’m so hungry...when are we going to eat?

  You: We are going to suck on some delicious rocks in about half an hour!

  Fun and Games After Dark

  There’s nothing better than lying in the woods at night, hearing the mysterious stirrings of nature all around you.

  But I can get scared just being by myself in a dark room, much less the dark woods! If I get scared when camping, I try to figure out what each sound I hear really is. For example, that mysterious rustling sound is just the wind in the leaves, and that quiet swoosh is probably an owl swooping down on an unfortunate mouse. As for that scratching sound outside the tent, it is most likely a raccoon, or maybe a huge mutant cricket that is going to cut my head off and use it for soccer practice.

  Wait, this isn’t helping!

  Remember that storytelling is one of the best things to do while camping. (See the “Storytelling!” chapter.) It is easy for our imaginations to get the better of us in the dark, but remember that things are the same in the dark as they are in the light, but they’re darker.

  Telling scary stories to other kids can really get them frightened, so do it as much as possible. Pranks are also fun in the dark, but of course the jokester has to first learn that there is nothing to fear in the darkness. If you give yourself a chance, you will find that you can use your senses of hearing and touch in the night to help offset the darkness.

  The Camp Attack

  Running through a camp and pulling tent stakes out, or otherwise knocking tents down and then running away, is not a very clever thing to do. Try it sometime and you will see what I mean.

  The Creature in the Sleeping Bag

  Another trick that appeals to some people is putting a live animal like a frog or a grizzly bear in someone’s sleeping bag for a joke. Don’t do this! Read ahead and you will see why.

  Bill (getting into his sleeping bag): Well, goodnight, Sam.

  Sam (smiling): Good night.

  Bill: I’m so tired...AAAAHH!...Hey, what’s that?

  Sam: What?

  Bill: There’s something furry in my bag! AAAAHH! It’s biting my leg! Help!!

  Sam: I reckon that’s the grizzly bear that I put in your sleeping bag as a joke! Heehee!

  Bill: Oh, I see. Good one, Sam! Hahaha, ouch, AAAAAGGG!!

  Getting to Sleep

  Well, it’s finally time for a little shut-eye. You’ve made sure that the fire is safe, and you’re zipped up in your sleeping bag. Say, you don’t have any food in your tent, do you? If you’re in bear country, that’s the fastest way to get a bear in your tent with you. If you’re not in bear country, it’s a good way to get ants in your tent with you! Now all you have to do is close your eyes and go to sleep.

  Wondering how cold it is? If you count the number of chirps a cricket makes in 15 seconds, and then add 40, you will have the current temperature, within a degree or two.

  Animals

  It’s good to know about the plant and animal life that you will see in the outdoors. That way, as you’re hiking along, you can proudly point to a mysterious creature in a tree and announce, “That is a Ring-Tailed Fuzzwart. Run for your lives!”

  Wild animals have excellent senses of smell and hearing. They can sense you coming before they see you because you haven’t showered in a while and you are making a lot of noise. It is possible to walk through a wilderness area full of animals and see none of them. They either left or hid long before you got there.

  If you want to see animals in the wild, be patient. You may have to hold still for a period of time, and then move slowly. This will force you to concentrate. If you are hiking or moving, walk into the wind if you can. This means you are upwind. An animal in front of you won’t smell you before you arrive because your scent is being blown in the opposite direction. (The animals downwind can smell you, however. You stink!)

  Try to move as slowly and quietly as possible. If the animal you are spying on looks your way, don’t move! Many animals only look for movement, ignoring everything else. Also, remember one important thing about wild animals: They’re wild! You cannot expect them to behave like a dog or a cat, even if the bear seems very friendly or if the chipmunk is really cute.

  Bears

  I am an expert on bears. (I have been to the Bear Country Jamboree at Disneyland several times.) As for you, you should be somewhat afraid of any bears, but more importantly, you should respect them. They will probably leave you alone if you play it smart and leave them alone. Just remember the words of Robert Penman of the Alaska Department of Public Safety: Bears usually will only kill humans when surprised or super hungry.

  Mosquitoes

  You’re lucky! Only half of the mosquitoes in the outdoors are hunting for you. That’s because o
nly female mosquitoes bite. They are drawn to you by the carbon dioxide that you breathe out, so if you stop breathing, they will leave you alone.

  Mosquitoes spread many diseases and are found from the equator to the Arctic tundra, so there is no escape from them. When a mosquito lands on you, it saws into your skin and then basically sucks your blood through a big straw. While the bug is doing this, it is also spitting into your wound. Mosquito spit prevents your blood from clotting, so that it can be sucked up easier. You are allergic to mosquito spit, so that’s why the bite itches and irritates you later.

  You can protect yourself by spraying on insect repellent. Good repellents contain a substance called DEET. If you want to go natural, try a citronella-based spray. Other methods include wearing garlic (really!) and running around like an idiot, waving your arms and slapping your body everywhere skeeters land.

  *Whatever you do, never get bitten by a million mosquitoes! That’s how many it would take to drain all the blood out of you.

  Skunks

  Skunks are nocturnal—that means that they come out at night. They like to forage around for food, and should steer clear of you. But if you happen to surprise a skunk, back off! If you are not too close, the skunk will warn you before spraying. First, the skunk will pat his front feet on the ground. (You should run away at that time.) Then the skunk will shake his head from side to side. (You should now be running.) Finally, the skunk will raise its tail and spray you! (If you’re stupid enough to still be there.) Don’t ever get any skunk juice in your eyes! It can cause temporary blindness.