The Big Book of Boy Stuff

by Bart King

  If the food you ate is not agreeing with you, something weird happens: Your body tries to get it out of you as soon as possible! Instead of water being taken from the poop, water is added to it to make it run through your guts fast, like water through a pipe. When it comes out the other end, we call it DIARRHEA!

  Poop Tales!

  Diarrhea caused one of the best scenes in the film Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark. In one part of the film, Indiana Jones is attacked by a swordsman who is doing amazing tricks. Indie just pulls out his gun and shoots him. This scene was supposed to be much longer and would have taken three days to film, but actor Harrison Ford really had to go. (He had picked up a bad case of diarrhea on location.) Ford and director Steven Spielberg came up with this much shorter solution to the swordsman scene.

  Funny Things to Say While Pooping

  “Look out below!”

  “Captain, we have a message from the poop deck.”

  “Get out the chain saw, ‘cause here comes a tree trunk.”

  “I busted a grumpy!”

  Some Categories of Poop

  Diarrhea: It can burn!

  Floaters: They float!

  Sinkers: Guess what they do?

  Two-flusher: That’s a big one!

  Water Breaker: A log that starts at the bottom of the toilet, and in one unbroken piece, breaks the surface of the water.

  Other terms for Poop/Pooping

  night soil

  voodoo butter

  bowel movement

  hazardous material

  doody

  doo-doo

  caca

  Lincoln logs

  number two

  answering nature’s call

  unhitching a load

  dropping kids off at the pool

  Historical Poop Removal! If you are Scottish, you should feel proud. Your ancestors were the first people who could go to the bathroom indoors. Hurray! The earliest plumbing systems ever found are in Scotland. They’re 10,000 years old, and yes, they still smell a bit.

  Modern Poop Removal! When astronauts bust a grumpy in outer space, the poop is dried and brought back to Earth for scientific analysis. The astronauts have to store it carefully; they wouldn’t want to see a dried log floating around in zero gravity.

  Disgusting Item! Vultures enjoy eating rotting meat, but they worry about standing on a dead animal and getting their feet infected. To solve the problem, they poop on their own feet before perching on a corpse. Apparently vulture poop can kill even the toughest germs!

  Even More Disgusting Item! Eating your own poop is pretty nasty, but some animals do it; this is called “coprophagy” (kop-prof-ah-jee). Beavers have a fairly high-fiber diet, and they have to digest their food twice. Here’s how it works: The beaver eats its food (tree bark) and digests it. The beaver then poops out what looks like a gelatin/oatmeal mix. What next? The beaver then eats its poop and digests it a second time. When it comes out this time, it looks like sawdust. Sawdust!

  Historical Poetry! Toilets and good sewage systems make life healthier for the people who use them. In historical times, getting rid of sewage was not always done very well, as this 600-year-old poem shows us.

  In days of old, when knights were bold

  And toilets had not been invented,

  They laid their load by the side of the road

  And went away, contented.

  Scabs, Scars, and Bruises Department

  You got a charley horse on your thigh and now it is turning greenish blue. It’s bruise time! The bruise usually starts out purple and ends up a strange type of yellow as your body tries to deal with the injury. The problem is that you’re bleeding on the inside of your body. What you are seeing is blood that has burst out of the blood vessels inside of you.

  Maybe you actually got a cut or some “road rash” from falling off your bike. You bleed some, and then the blood clots form a scab. Once your cut has scabbed up, you may notice that it shrinks over time, causing some pinching of the skin. It’s almost like your body is trying to sew the wound back together. This is also likely to cause some itching to occur, which is why people often pick at a scab.

  Scab-pickers are not the lowest form of life there is, but you just know that if someone picks their scabs, they pick their nose too. It only makes sense! Anyway, sometimes a cut is so big or deep that a scab can’t repair all the damage that’s been done. In those cases, the body forms “connective tissue” to repair the damage. The flesh won’t look the same as it was before the injury, and we call what is left a “scar.”

  Scurvy is a disease that sailors used to get because of a lack of Vitamin C. What happens if you have scurvy? First the victim gets loose teeth, rotten gums, and joint pain. Then scabs stop healing and actually turn back into open wounds. Finally, old scars open up again; it’s as if time was going backward! Old healed broken bones break again! Scurvy used to be so common among sailors, 1/3 of a ship’s crew often fell victim to it as late as 1800. If you want to avoid it, suck on an orange.

  Snot, Boogers, and Spitting Department

  You’ve got a lot of mucus in you. The wet mucus in your nose traps nasty things like dust and germs from the air that you are breathing in. But what is this mucus made of? Well, besides the dirt that lands on it, mucus is made of water, a little salt, and a little bit of a sticky protein called mucin.

  Mucus can dry up after it traps enough dust and dirt, and then it turns into a booger, which needs to be removed. You should know that 70 percent of people admit that they pick their boogers regularly; that means that 30 percent of people lie about it! If you see someone picking their nose, call them a “rhinotillexomaniac” (ri-no-til-ex-o-maniac). That’s fancy talk for a “nose-picker.” You probably know one of these types. Heck, you probably are one of these types! Ever pick and flick? You know what I’m talking about!

  It’s not so bad that you picked your nose; it’s what you do with the booger that’s gross.

  Out of all the nose-pickers in the world, 3 percent of them pick a winner and eat it! That is disgusting. Boogers aren’t dead brain cells, so you won’t get any smarter by eating them!

  Now the fact is that a lot of your snot ends up going down your throat. As a matter of fact, you drink about a quart of snot a day by swallowing it. Don’t worry, the acid in your stomach kills any germs that are in your mucus. In addition, your snot can lubricate your throat and help you when you need to spit. This is called “hawking a loogie.”

  As you probably know, you hawk a loogie by coughing a little bit and bringing up some of that snot in the throat. You then get it in your mouth, and “Patooie!” Hock it! Loogie spitting contests are fairly disgusting, and therefore a lot of fun. Most of these contests revolve around who can spit their loogie (or “lootch”) the farthest. The best you can hope for is that someone will fail to get the loogie away from themselves, and it will end up on their shirt. That always cracks me up.

  I once had a neighbor who could do very well in these contests, simply by firing snot directly out of his nose. He would close one nostril with his finger and blow or snort out the other one. Wham! These snot rockets would fly a good distance. My neighbor called them “Hoboken zephyrs.”

  Here is a nose tip: If you have to blow your nose in front of other people, when you’re done, don’t look into the tissue as if precious stones fell out of your nose. They didn’t. And if you thought it was a booger, it’s snot.

  *Spittin’ Fish! Archerfish can spit at distances over 3 feet very accurately. They spot bugs on overhanging branches from below the water, come up near the surface, and snap their gill covers shut. Wham!

  *Your eyes get dried mucus in them while you sleep. The stuff is sometimes called bed-boogers or eye-snot, but to be accurate, it is “gound.”

  *People in China spit anywhere they want to. Because of the air pollution in many of the cities, they find it best to clear the soot and gunk in their throat and nose by leaving loogies all over the place.


  Cool Word! “Ambeer” is the spit juice from chewing tobacco. Come on . . .

  Fun Snot Facts

  For a time, there was a delicious candy on the market called Snot Candy. It came in a big plastic nose. To get the gooey candy out, you had to stick a finger up the container’s nostril. Of course, Snot Candy had a mascot: everyone’s favorite superhero, Loogie Man!

  There is an Eskimo tribe that has a unique solution to a baby’s stuffed nose. The mother sucks the snot out of the baby’s nose and then spits it on the ground!

  We all know what diarrhea is, but did you know you can have the same problem from your nose? “Rhinorrhea” (ri-no-ree-uh) is the word used to describe a lot of really runny mucus coming out of your nose.

  Zits

  Look, I’m getting a little grossed out myself. I’ve been writing about the most disgusting things imaginable for a whole chapter! So I’m going to write as little as possible about zits so that I don’t blow chunks. Zits are little pus pockets that form on your body. During your teen years, your body starts making hormones called “androgens” and suddenly you have much more oil in your skin than before. The excess oil can get trapped in the sweat pores of your skin, forming white heads. When dirt gets trapped with the oil, blackheads appear. If these get infected with bacteria, pus is made and ta-dah! A zit is born!

  I hate to give you bad news, but here it is: Boys produce 10 times more of these hormones than girls, so boys are 10 times more likely than girls to get really bad acne. You know that old poem that says, “Girls are made of sugar and spice and everything nice”? Back in the old days, this line was “Girls are made of sugar and spice and not very much androgen.”

  If you don’t have zits already, get used to the idea, because the odds are that you will have at least some. What a rip-off, huh? If it makes you feel any better, eating chocolate does not make your acne any worse.

  Follow-Up Activity

  Interview a medical doctor for your school newspaper. Tell him that you want to invent your own internal organ and name it after yourself. Explain to the doctor what your organ does. (Hopefully, it is something disgusting.) Ask the doctor if he has any advice for you. Watch him carefully to see if he tries to call a nurse for help getting rid of you.

  Halloween: Oct. 31st (“All Hallows’ Eve”)

  Why does Halloween exist? To boost the sales of candy companies? To give dentists some extra business during the slow winter months? Let’s find out!

  A version of Halloween was first celebrated by the Celts (kelts), a group of people who once lived in Ireland. The Celts believed in elves, fairies, and supernatural beings. These “wee folk” had many names: leprechauns, bogies, brownies, knockers, and pookas. And all of these troublemakers came out on the last day of October, which was called Samhain! A saying from the old days was, “On Samhain, there’s a bogey in every stile.” Although this sounds like a painful medical condition, a stile is a doorway, and you know what a bogey is, so stop picking them! (If you’ve heard of the “Bogey Man,” this is where the name comes from.)

  The Celts believed that the spirits of the dead could come back on this Samhain night. These spirits would tell each other dumb jokes (Spirit One: What kind of mistakes do ghosts make? Spirit Two: Boo-boos!) and frighten the living. Celts also feared that as winter came and the days grew shorter and colder, the sun would be destroyed. To save the sun and honor the forces of darkness, the Celts had a unique ceremony.

  Huge bonfires were lit on hilltops to burn sacrifices, to guide the ghosts of the dead back home, and to scare off any dark spirits in the countryside. Townspeople would sometimes take an ember with them as they walked to their home. The ember would usually be carried in a turnip or gourd. Because people felt nervous about walking home in the dark, they may have carved scary faces in their ember holders so the spirits would not bother them. (So that’s where jack-o’-lanterns come from!)

  You couldn’t usually see the leprechauns during the year because of a magic fog called the fé-fiada, which made them invisible to ordinary folk. But on the last day of October, this fog disappeared, and the spirits could be seen running around the countryside. The Celts hoped to encourage the good fairies and to protect themselves from the pranks and mischief of the evil ones.

  Since ghosts and leprechauns were out having fun on this night, some brave humans imitated them. The Celtic people left out treats of food for the souls of the dead and the goblins, and over time, people began dressing like these creatures and also demanding treats. (This was sometimes called “mumming.”)

  Christianity eventually came to Ireland, and the Samhain holiday was changed to “All Hallows’ Eve” or “Halloween.” (The word “hallow” means holy.) The day after Halloween is “All Hallows’ Day” or “All Saints’ Day,” a day to remember all the saints. The old Celtic ritual of Samhain was combined with this new tradition.

  The problem with All Saints’ Day is that it is followed by All Souls’ Day. On this day, any soul could return at midnight and visit their old haunts. Souls without homes to remember them prowled the countryside...look out! All Souls’ Day is known as Dia de los Muertos in Mexico. One tradition there is to heap graves with brilliant orange and purple blossoms and white orchids called Flor de Muerto, or “Flowers of Death.”

  Historically, children born on Halloween supposedly had special powers that let them see ghosts and the future. Halloween was also a time when boys liked to play different games. For example, “Snap Dragon” was a Halloween game in which raisins were placed in a bowl of brandy. The brandy was then set on fire, and the contestant tried to get the raisins out without getting burned. If you win, you get to eat the raisins! Yahoo!

  When the Irish began to move to the United States, they brought many of their beliefs of leprechauns playing pranks on Halloween with them. Soon, boys began to copy the “wee folk” in playing practical jokes on Halloween. To keep kids out of trouble, some adults encouraged children (the real “wee folk”) to dress up as the spirits and goblins themselves. Nowadays, kids carry on the old Halloween customs by showing up at a doorstep and shouting “Trick or treat!” If a treat is not given to them, children may play a trick on the resident. I encourage you to put a leprechaun in the bathroom of any house unwilling to give you a treat.

  Fun Facts

  Jack-o’-lanterns! Turnips were used in Scotland and Ireland for jack-o’-lanterns, which were originally used for light sources before there were flashlights. Anyway, the Irish legend is that a man named Jack died, but he was too cheap to go to heaven, and too tricky to get into the other place, so he was forced to wander the dark places of the earth, carrying a turnip for a lantern.

  As for pumpkins, they are not vegetables...they’re fruits! Pumpkins have been grown in America for more than 5,000 years. They are native to the Western Hemisphere and were completely unknown in Europe before the time of Columbus. Pumpkins were not used for Halloween until the last few hundred years.

  Cats! The “Druids” were priests of an ancient religion in France and Britain. They thought that cats were sacred, and that they may have once been humans, but, because of the evil deeds they’d done, were changed into cats. (Since cats are usually either very foolish or very evil, or both, there may be something to this.) Of course, you know what happens if a black cat crosses your path, but did you know that the same superstition says that if a light-colored cat crosses your path, it’s good luck? “Here, kitty-kitty...”

  Leprechauns! A leprechaun looks like a small, old man about 2 feet tall. Leprechauns dress with a cocked hat and a leather apron, and they like to spend their time making shoes. They are grumpy and unfriendly...but they also possess a hidden pot of gold! If caught, the leprechaun must be threatened with violence to tell where his treasure is, but you must keep your eyes on him. If you look away from the leprechaun even for an instant, he vanishes and so does his treasure! If you lose your leprechaun, I suggest a big bowl of Lucky Charms as a consolation prize. Those little, colored marshmallow treats can
be as good as gold.

  Follow-Up Activity

  Research whether there has ever been a haunted house or ghost sighting in your community. Explore and discover if the ghost (or other creatures of the night) really exist. If they do, introduce yourself to them and invite the creatures over to your house for an ice cream social.

  Holidays!

  Every day of the year is special for someone. For example, think of your birthday. That’s your special day when we celebrate how unique you are. (Never mind that 10 million other people have the same birthday as you!) Here are some other special days that you might not know about.

  January

  January is National Prune Breakfast Month, National Oatmeal Month, It’s Okay to Be Different Month, and International “Get Over It” Month.

  January 3: J. R. R. Tolkein’s Birthday. The Hobbit came out in 1937, and it’s still one of the best books ever written.

  January 7: Rock Day

  January 11: International Thank You Day

  January 14: “It Boils” Day. This day is called “Pongal” in India, which means, “It boils!” The new rice crop is harvested and boiled. Pongal!

  January 16: Moby Dick Parade. A day to celebrate the 4,000-mile migration of gray whales from Siberia to Baja California.