The Big Book of Boy Stuff

by Bart King

bread of your choice

  a cutting board

  a rolling pin

  peanut butter

  jelly

  1. Put the bread you will be using on the cutting board and cut off its crust.

  2. Then take the rolling pin and roll it back and forth over the bread until it’s completely squished.

  3. Spread the peanut butter and jelly on the bread, leaving some room at the edges.

  4. Using your fingers, peel the bread up along one edge of the cutting board. Then start rolling it on itself, as if it were a carpet or HoHo. Keep it tight!

  5. When you have your sushi-style sandwiches rolled up, take a knife and cut them into bite-size pieces. Mmmm, baby!

  A Cold Invention!

  It was 1905 on a porch in San Francisco during the winter. An 11-year-old boy named Frank Epperson left his drink (with a stirring stick in it) outside overnight. It was quite cold out, and the drink froze. When Frank came out the next day, the stick made an excellent handle to carry the frozen treat around with. Eighteen years later, Frank Epperson started selling his frozen treats as “Epsicles.” Frank’s own children asked him to change the name to “Popsicle,” and so he did. He went on to also come up with the Fudgsicle, Creamsicle, and Dreamsicle. Hurray!

  Solar-Powered Marshmallows

  Harness the ultraviolet rays of the mighty sun!

  You Need:

  a large bowl

  aluminum foil

  some clay or Playdoh

  a toothpick

  marshmallows

  the sun

  1. Take the bowl and line the inside of it with foil, with the shinier side facing out. Smooth it down as much as possible.

  2. Take a good little blob of clay and set it in the middle of the bowl. Stick a toothpick into the clay so the toothpick is standing up. Now stick a marshmallow on the toothpick.

  3. Put the bowl someplace where it catches the direct rays of the sun. Prepare to be amazed! The energy of the sun is all-powerful!

  A man named Michel Lotito lives in France,

  And though it sounds whack, he eats underpants.

  His nickname these days is “Mr. Eat Everything”

  Even as a boy, glass and metal he was nibbling.

  Michel has since made himself a decent career

  Eating bikes, computers, coffins (even planes) without fear!

  His stomach lining’s thicker than yours, so’s his head,

  So don’t try to be like him or you might end up dead!

  Intermediate Ability

  Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea

  This may seem like a simple recipe, but for some unfathomable reason, it is deeply delicious!

  You Need:

  1 to 6 boxes of blue Jell-O

  any clear glass casserole dish; clean aquariums and fish bowls also work

  Skittles, M&M’s, or any colorful candy

  Gummi fish, worms

  1. Make the Jell-O according to its instructions.

  2. Cover the bottom of your glass container with your candy. This is your ocean floor!

  3. As the Jell-O is just beginning to firm up, carefully pour it into your container.

  4. Then add your Gummi creatures at various depths of the sea. Put it into the refrigerator until it’s true Jell-O, and then voyage with your spoon to the bottom of the sea!

  If you ever add fruit to your Jell-O, here’s what you need to know. Fruits that sink in Jell-O are grapes and any canned fruits with heavy syrup, like fruit cocktail, peaches, and pineapple. Fruits that float include canned fruits in light syrup as well as apples, bananas, orange sections, sliced pears, and strawberries.

  How to Make Jell-O

  Boil the skins and bones of pigs and cows. This releases a protein called “collagen.” Boil, filter, and reboil this until you get a powder. Add fruit flavoring. What do you have? Jell-O!

  Spamburgers

  Spam rocks! It was named in 1936 by the famous Kenneth Daigneau. He had entered a contest to name the new canned meat from Hormel. “Spam” is a contraction of “spiced” and “ham.” (Weird, since there isn’t much spice or ham in it.) Spam is mostly made from pork shoulder meat, homey!

  You Need:

  1 (12-ounce) can Spam luncheon meat

  a frying pan

  4 slices of Monterey pepper jack cheese

  lettuce

  sliced tomato

  sliced onion

  4 hamburger buns

  ketchup

  1. Cut the Spam into 4 thick slices.

  2. Fry the Spam in frying pan or skillet until it is lightly browned.

  3. Place Spam, cheese, lettuce, tomato, and onion on bottom halves of buns. Spread ketchup on top halves of buns and place on Spamburger.

  4. Eat. Smack lips a lot and roll eyes to indicate enjoyment.

  Ketchup (also spelled “catsup”) is used all over the world in different ways. In Canada, they have ketchup-flavored potato chips, and in Thailand they use the ketchup as potato-chip dip. In Spain and India, they put it on eggs, and in Sweden and Denmark they pour ketchup on pasta. The Japanese put ketchup on rice! Some Eastern European countries pour it on pizza. Me? I put it on macaroni-and-cheese.

  Special Feature: Hot Dogs

  Wieners, frankfurters, franks, sausages...people have been trying to figure out exactly who invented them for years. But what about the hot dog? Many people agree that a hero named Anton Feuchtwanger (anton foik-twang-er) of Bavaria brought his seasoned sausages to the Louisiana Exposition of 1904. The problem he faced was that his customers had to eat their franks with their hands, which was not convenient. Antoine tried giving them white gloves to protect their hands, but this was very messy, and people sometimes walked off with the gloves.

  Like all great heroes, Antoine did not give up. Instead, he asked a baker to make some long buns to hold the franks...and there it was: a hot dog! Three cheers for Antoine Feuchtwanger!

  Godzilla’s Quesadillas (kay-sa-DEE-yuhs)

  I wouldn’t put this recipe in here if I didn’t think it was one of the tastiest and easiest to prepare foods that there is!

  You Need:

  corn or flour tortillas (I much prefer corn for this recipe)

  refried beans (optional)

  cheese (cheddar, mozzarella, or Monterey jack work well), sliced

  salsa or hot sauce

  thinly sliced tomato (optional)

  a skillet or pan or griddle, with lid if possible

  nonstick cooking spray

  1. I prepare the quesadillas first by laying out the tortillas on a counter. If I am going to use refried beans, I smear those on the tortillas next. Then I put the cheese on. I use thin slices of cheese and lay them down; you can grate it if you prefer, but that just takes longer. Finally I put on the hot sauce and/or the tomatoes.

  2. After I have the insides ready to go, I lay another tortilla on top of it and it’s ready to cook.

  3. As for my cooking surface, it doesn’t need to be that hot; a burner on medium is fine. Spray your cooking surface with nonstick spray. Carefully place the quesadilla on the pan; if you can put a lid over it, that’s the best. It will melt the cheese a little faster, which will make it easier to flip the quesadilla without the food falling out. (Melted cheese is a good glue!)

  4. After the cheese has melted a little, carefully flip the quesadilla over. If anything is going to go wrong, it will here! Keep flipping and browning until it looks good enough to eat.

  Warning:

  A. Microwaves don’t work well for this recipe.

  B. Don’t burn your mouth powering this one down!

  Fruit Log

  Everybody likes to chew on logs. The bark is especially delightful. The beauty of eating logs is that it is easy on your body because it doesn’t have to convert food into a log, like it usually does!

  You Need:

  2 cups of dried, chopped apples

  2 cups of dried, chopped apricots

  1/2 cup instant dried milk

  any b
ig bowl

  2 teaspoons cinnamon

  4 tablespoons honey

  4 tablespoons light corn syrup

  4 tablespoons frozen orange juice concentrate (or any flavor you like), thawed out and liquidy

  1 cup chopped nuts

  1/2 cup powdered sugar

  a cookie sheet that you can make your log on

  an oven

  1. Wash your hands.

  2. Now mix the fruits and milk together in the bowl with your hands.

  3. Then add everything else except the chopped nuts and powdered sugar.

  4. Mix it up well! Mix it some more! Is it mixed yet?

  5. Once it is, grab a handful and start molding it on the cookie sheet into a log.

  6. Remember when you used to make snakes out of clay in kindergarten? Do that with the mixture and make your snake about 1-1/2 inches across. Once you have your snake/logs done, roll them in the nuts, and then in the powdered sugar. (You may want to transfer your logs to a new sheet now.)

  7. You’re almost done. Turn the oven on to 140 degrees Fahrenheit. Put the cookie sheet into the oven and leave the oven door open just a little.

  Call your dentist today!

  Would you ever take a glass of carbonated water and mix 12 spoonfuls of sugar into it? Seems like a lot, huh? Well, if you drink a 16-ounce soda, you get carbonated water with more than 12 teaspoonfuls of sugar and some artificial flavoring. Delicious! Just leave your teeth by the bottle, since they’ll be falling out soon anyway.

  Advanced

  Crapola Cookies

  These are great for a practical joke or a conversation starter (or ender!). Although they look suspiciously like someone’s stool sample, they are pretty good!

  You Need:

  1/2 cup white sugar

  4 teaspoons cocoa

  1/2 cup butter or margarine

  a pan

  1 cup flour

  1/2 teaspoon vanilla

  1/2 cup brown sugar

  1 egg

  1 cup rolled oats

  a mixing bowl

  green food coloring (or any color of your choice!)

  peanuts and/or flaky wheat or fiber cereal (optional)

  a cookie tray

  1. Put the white sugar, cocoa, and butter or margarine into the pan and let them melt, mix, and simmer, stirring occasionally.

  2. Mix the flour, vanilla, brown sugar, and egg energetically in the mixing bowl.

  3. When you have them well mixed, add the melted mix from the pan and stir it well.

  4. A crucial step is the addition of the food coloring(s). Add the amount of color you want to make it look realistic!

  5. Add the oats and mix in. (If you want, add peanuts or fiber cereal and mix that in too.)

  6. Now you’re ready to start your fun factory for crapola. Roll the dough into tootsie rolls. They can be huge Sasquatch-sized turds, or big human-sized ones, or even small terrier-sized ones. Shape them to your taste (blech!) and put them on the cookie sheet.

  Bake them for 10 to 15 minutes at 350 degrees Fahrenheit, or until you think they look just right.

  Serving suggestion: Set one on a piece of toilet paper or a single plastic newspaper bag to make it look more realistic. Offer it to a guest; when they decline to eat it, shrug your shoulders and shove it in your mouth!

  Oreo Chocolate Sandwich Cookies have been around since 1912. At just under 2 inches across, an Oreo is just the right size for stuffing into your mouth. Some psychologists say that you can judge a person’s maturity by how they eat an Oreo. If they pull the cookie apart and eat the cream filling first, they are immature. If they eat the cookie all at once, they are mature. (Of course, it’s more fun to be immature!)

  When Oreos were introduced, Nabisco also put out their Mother Goose Cookies. You could eat Cinderella, Goldilocks, and all your favorite nursery rhyme characters. But the idea of eating humans wasn’t a big hit, and these cookies didn’t sell. Go figure!

  Jerky Boys

  It’s hard to beat good beef jerky. It’s a tasty, manly snack, perfect for camping or between meals. You can even add it to stews and soups. There are dozens of types of beef jerky that you can buy; some are terrific, but some of them seem like pieces of shoe leather that you could break a tooth on. Making your own jerky guarantees that you have good quality. You don’t need a smokehouse; just follow this recipe, and get jerk-ified!

  You Need:

  beefsteak

  a sharp knife

  wire or good string

  a good-sized pot of water

  salt

  a stove

  a platter or large dish

  other seasonings that you like, such as soy sauce, Worcestershire sauce, steak sauce, onion powder, garlic powder, etc.

  pepper

  cloth or paper towels

  a cookie tray

  an oven

  a room or garage where you can dry the meat

  You can make jerky out of high-quality beefsteak or a cheaper cut of flank steak. I would recommend buying one of each and preparing them the same way to see if you can taste the difference later.

  1. Cut your steak lengthwise into strips that are about 1/8 to 1/4 inch thick. Some people like to take a sharp knife and cut off strips in a spiral direction around the steak until they reach the center. This makes the jerky more tender. After you have your strips ready, thread wire or string through your meat strips. Don’t make your string too long, as the strips will be dipped into the pot of water.

  2. In the meantime, get your water boiling in the pot. (Use 1/8 cup of salt for every 1/8 gallon of water.) When the water is ready, dip your meat strips into the boiling water for about 10 seconds, or until the red color disappears.

  3. Put the paper towels on the platter. Now, keep the strips on the wire or string and arrange them over the paper towels. Feel free to use any of your seasonings on the meat, but make sure to get your seasonings on both sides of the strips and to use plenty of pepper!

  4. Now you just need to dry the strips. I usually unstring them and put them on a cookie tray.

  5. Then I stick the jerky in the oven at 150 degrees Fahrenheit for 12 to 14 hours. A good way to test whether the jerky is done is to break it open and see if the strip is dry all the way through.

  You can also dry the jerky in the air. Make sure that there are no flies in the space the jerky will dry in, and then let it hang on its wire for 3 to 4 days. Be sure that the jerky is dry and leathery when you break it.

  As I said, experiment with your meat quality, seasonings, and drying techniques, and you are guaranteed to have a nutritious, lightweight snack that will last for months, even years!

  Foiled Again

  The only camping recipe you’ll ever need.

  You Need:

  1/4 pound hamburger meat

  1 potato, thinly sliced

  1 carrot, thinly sliced

  1 onion, cut into wedges

  ketchup

  salt, pepper, tasty seasoning

  foil

  a campfire

  1. The ingredients listed above are just a suggestion. Feel free to add corn and other vegetables. Anyway, get a large piece of foil and put all of your ingredients into it. That’s right, all of them!

  2. Then fold up the foil carefully around the pile, crimping and folding the edges as you go so that there is a tight seal over and around the whole mess. Wrap it again in foil if you don’t think the juice will stay in it.

  3. Then carefully put the foil container on the coals of your campfire (not in the flames themselves!) Try letting it cook for 10 minutes on one side and 10 minutes on the other. I’d leave it in for about 30 minutes total, but this isn’t an exact science.

  Pull the package out with a couple of sticks and open it carefully to let the heat escape. It’s going to smell darned good and taste even better, but don’t burn your fingers or your tongue.

  Do I feel a draft in here?

  If you are average, about 5 percent of the food you eat in
your life will be eaten in front of the refrigerator with its door open! Also, in 6 out of 10 houses, at least one person drinks milk right out of the carton. So if you’re not putting your lips on the carton at home...who is? (“Mommy? Is that you?”)

  Beer

  What the heck were you thinking? This is ROOT beer, young man!

  You Need:

  measuring cups and spoons

  1 teaspoon dry yeast

  8-1/2 cups warm water

  bowl

  2 cups sugar

  5 teaspoons root beer extract (look in the spice aisle of your supermarket)

  gallon jug with lid

  Root beer is an American invention. Early colonists were looking for anything to flavor their beers with and they began experimenting with plant roots to make their drinks. You don’t have to dig up anything for this recipe though.

  1. Sometime before noon, mix yeast with 1/2 cup of warm water in a bowl.

  2. Then pour this mix, the sugar, and root beer extract into your jug. Put in 8 more cups of warm water, and shake it good and hard!

  3. Once it looks like it’s mixed up, let the jug sit on a sunny window spot for the rest of the day. When it gets dark, put the jug in the refrigerator, and enjoy your own root beer the next day!

  *What plants and roots have been used in root beer? Well, how about dog grass (ruff!), sassafras, dandelion, birch tree, licorice, sarsaparilla, cinnamon, and even pipsissewa! (Mmmmm...pipsissewa!)

  Fried Worms

  Yeah, this is what it sounds like! You’ve seen enough reality TV to know that it can be done. What’s the matter, you chicken? I dare you to make this recipe! I double-dog dare you! No, I’m not kidding: This is pretty tasty (I’ve heard).

  You Need:

  mealworms or earthworms

  a colander

  paper towels or wax paper on a plate

  olive oil

  a frying pan

  breadcrumbs

  Mealworms are eaten in many countries. Thailand, for example, is one of them. Anyway, what you want to do is get some live mealworms. Check your yellow pages, or go to a big pet shop; they usually have them there. (If you’re using earthworms for this recipe, just start digging for them yourself.)