by Brei Betzold
“Why my stuff?”
“Because we’re leaving.”
“Fine, leave, but why are you packing my stuff?”
“Because, Scout,” he growled, “you are leaving.”
“Nope.”
“I didn’t fucking ask,” he shouted.
“No, you never do, do you?” I asked still trying to remain calm. “You order and I obey, but not this time, Cas. I am not leaving until I win, then I am going home, buying my shop, and living my life.”
“You’re not buying the shop,” he told me. “Saul already knows, I told him while I was there.”
“And I told you that that was up to the girl not you,” growled Saul from behind me.
I spun around and smiled up at my grandpa. “Saul,” I squealed and hugged him.
He patted my back. “Girl,” he said pushing me back a little, “you look happy.”
“I am happy,” I told him honestly.
Cas made a low sound and I turned and looked at him. “And I am buying that shop.”
“No you aren’t, I’ve made my decision.”
“Your decision?” I asked quietly. “Am I using your money to buy it? Have I asked you for money to buy it? I don’t fucking think so, it’s my decision,” I finished yelling at him, I pulled myself back and took a deep breath—calm.
“No it’s not Scout, don’t you get that? You don’t make decisions, you lost that privilege.”
I snorted, “How did I manage to lose something I never had?”
“Because you let that fucker rape you!” He screamed.
I felt more than saw Saul take a step toward Cas. “Boy, that is enough,” he growled.
“No Saul, not this time, she needs to realize what she did to us. She needs to stop being so goddamn selfish for once!” he shouted.
“Will someone fucking tell me what’s going on for once?” I screamed.
“I’m getting married, Scout. We’re moving to Tennessee where her family lives. I don’t want to work in a goddamn shop all my life!” he yelled. “Holly’s dad has offered me a job, a new life, and I am taking it, so that means we’re moving, and that means no shop.”
I stood there staring at my brother wondering when he stopped telling me things, when he started hating me. Because he was looking at me like he hated me and it hurt.
I shook my head, “You go, live your life, Cas, but I am not moving.”
He laughed but there was no humor to it. When was the last time I had heard Cas really laugh?
“Live my life,” he muttered, “that’s a great idea, and I am trying. I left my girl in the sandbox to come and pick up the pieces of your life, and you tell me to go live my life.”
I was confused, “You left your girl?”
He grunted and started tossing more stuff at my bags. “Yeah, I left my girl, she’s was a nurse for our unit, and I left her there unprotected so I could come and deal with your shit.”
I looked over at Saul who was watching us sadly. “I didn’t ask you to come home, Cas. I thought your whole unit was coming home, that’s how you made it sound.”
“You never fucking asked, Scout!” He yelled. “It’s just assumed that I will swoop in and fix your messes. Well this time, this time we are doing what I fucking want.”
“Then do what you want, Cas” I told him, “no one is stopping you.”
“You, you are fucking stopping me, Scout. It’s always what’s best for Scout, oh we can’t let her get upset, oh we can’t tell her this, she has to do this, it’s always about protecting Scout.”
“The fucking stop protecting me!” I screamed. “I am not fourteen years fucking old anymore.”
“You want me to stop protecting you?” he growled. “Want me to tell you everything? Fine, I’ll fucking tell you then, I am done, Scout.”
“Cas,” Saul barked but we both ignored him staring at each other.
“How about we start with what happened to you?” he yelled. “You should have left, you should have fought.”
“I did fight you fucking bastard. I fought and I lost over and fucking over. He took everything from me!” I screamed. “He raped me over and over and I couldn’t stop him. He beat me, burned me, cut me, took away my chance to have a family, and I fought until I couldn’t anymore.”
“You didn’t fight hard enough!” he yelled into my face.
“Fuck you, Cas,” I shouted back. “You weren’t fucking there. You left me with him, so you don’t get to tell me what I should have done.”
“Yeah, you’re right, I left you there, and I will always be sorry that I did, and I tried to make amends to you,” he whispered, “but I can’t.”
I spun around and pushed Saul out my way and headed towards the living room. “Thought you wanted the truth,” he bellowed.
“Then fucking tell me the truth for once, Cas and stop blaming me for things I couldn’t control!” I yelled back.
He grabbed my arm and spun me around. “I lost my father for you, you still have yours in your life but mine? He wants nothing to do with me.”
I just stared at him, hearing his words but they didn’t register.
“What?” I breathed.
“Oh Ace isn’t your dad, Scout. We found that out while you were in the hospital, your real dad didn’t want you either,” he yelled.
“Cas, that’s enough,” I heard the girl I had seen before tell him and walk up and put a hand on his arm. “This is not the way.”
“No Holly, I think it is. She wants to hear it so let her hear it. Matt is your dad, Scout, not Ace. He and mom had an affair. He’s known all your life and never said a fucking word.”
“No,” I whispered looking at the faces surrounding me, Kale and Liam looked shocked, Cam and Simon looked sad, and Saul looked pissed.
“You are done,” Saul growled, “leave her alone, now!” he yelled.
“Why, she said she can handle it, she’s all better now,” Cas said sarcastically. “I left her there for you, so I could make sure you weren’t locked up once again for being crazy, but maybe I should fucking let them have you this time.”
I glared up at my brother. “Fuck you Cas, go live your goddamn life and stay the fuck out of mine.”
“See I can’t, since I am in charge of your life, you made me in charge for your life.”
“I fucking hate you!” I screamed.
He nodded, “That’s fine, I don’t really give a shit anymore.”
“Cas,” Simon barked, “stop.”
“Don’t worry I’m done,” he said grabbing the girl’s hand and storming out of the room.
“Is it true?” I whispered and looked at Simon.
“Yeah, Scout.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“Because when we found out you weren’t capable of understanding.”
“And after?”
“After it was easier, no one wanted to upset you.”
“Anything else I need to know?”
They all looked at each other.
“What?” I yelled.
“You’ve been getting threats along with the stuff that’s been happening.”
I nodded and went for the front door. I had to get away, these were my friends, my family and they had all been lying to me. I was on Stella and riding away but I didn’t know where to go. I had nowhere to go.
I pulled over and wiped the tears away, wrenched my phone from my pocket and called the one person who hadn’t been lying to me.
Chapter 32
After getting directions, I quickly arrived at his apartment complex. When I turned into the parking lot I saw Thayne standing out there waiting for me. I pulled up beside him and took him all in; he was standing there barefoot and shirtless only wearing a pair of beat up jeans, I sighed, damn, he looked good. I turned off Stella and looked at him, and he smiled at me.
“Rough night, Bella?”
I nodded and felt the tears gather again. He stepped forward and opened his arms, and I launched myself off the bike and
into his arms.
“Shhh, Bella,” he whispered and led me up to his apartment holding me against his side.
When the door clicked, I pulled away and looked at the sparsely furnished apartment. “Nice,” I murmured, wiping the tears from my face.
He shrugged, “It’s not home but it works for now.”
I nodded, “Yeah I understand, not sure if I miss home or not though.”
“Want some coffee?”
“Yeah,” I said softly, “where’s Nikki?”
“She’s over at a friend’s for the night, they met in the laundry room, and have been besties ever since.”
I laughed, “Besties, really?”
He sighed. “I spend a lot of time with a teenage girl.”
“Mmhmm,” I giggled.
“So want to tell me what happened?”
I looked down at the floor and felt my rage begin to build again. “Fight with Cas,” I bit out.
“Figured, want to tell what about?”
I bit my lip and sucked my lip rings into my mouth releasing them with a pop over and over. I finally looked at him and he was waiting there patiently for me to decide.
“Cas has decided he’s getting married,” I seethed, “and moving to Tennessee.”
He shrugged. “Okay, so he moves. I know it’s not ideal but there are these things called airplanes, you’d still see each other.”
“Mmm, but he’s ordering me to move with him. You see he can’t leave his crazy little sister to live her own life, so therefore he has to drag her with him so he can live his.”
“What?” he breathed. “What about your shop, your plans?”
“They don’t matter, he’s not going to continue to give up his life just so he can babysit me, so I get to give mine up.” I looked at him and blinked the tears away. “Why can’t he see that I want him to live his life, that I want him to be happy, and that I want to live my life, why can’t he see that?” I cried.
“I don’t know, Bella,” he said quietly.
“Then after that bombshell, he told me that…” I sobbed and quickly covered my face with my hands, “He said it was my fault, it was my fault that he raped me. That I didn’t fight, that I just let him do that to me, that I let him hurt me like that, to take so much from me. That I didn’t fight back, I fought back, I fought back till I bled. I screamed until I couldn’t anymore, why doesn’t he understand that? I didn’t want him to rape me, I fought each time, but I was chained to the bed and he was so much stronger.”
“Scout,” he whispered, “Bella, look at me.”
I slowly let my hands fall and looked at him waiting for the look of pity or disgust only it wasn’t there.
“Scout, I know you fought. You fight every day, Bella, and he was wrong,” he told me walking over slowly so he was standing in front of me. “Scout, you are so strong, so, so strong, and you didn’t ask for what happened to happen. It wasn’t your fault.”
I cocked my head and looked at him. “That’s what they all say, then they look at me with pity, they treat me differently, like I am weak. I don’t want to be weak anymore, that’s why I change things.”
“Change things?”
“Mmm things that remind me, he told me he liked my face so I changed it. He said he loved my hair so I dye it. I can’t look at my body without seeing him there. He took so much, Thayne. Do you understand? He took so much from me, he didn’t just take my virginity from me, he ripped away my innocence, and he ripped away my future. How do I live with that? I can’t forget I’ve been trying for the last seven years to forget, and I can’t,” I cried.
“Oh Bella,” he murmured, “I wish I could tell you that it will all be okay, that one day you will forget, but I can’t. I won’t lie to you, you’ll never get rid of the scars he left, but you can overshadow them with the good memories.”
“I’m so tired,” I whispered, “so tired of holding this in, it’s like I can’t breathe, and no one wants to know, they want to keep it all buried, but it hurts, Thayne.”
“Scout, you can tell me anything, okay, anything.”
“Did you know that Ace isn’t my father?” I asked looking away. “They all lied to me, for years they lied to me. Oh poor Scout, she can’t hear the truth it might break her. Oh poor Scout, it’s best that we lie to her, until the one person who isn’t supposed to want to hurt her does. Then he does his best, and damn if he doesn’t do a great job at it. He was right too, I mean, the man I thought was my father doesn’t want me, and the man who is my father doesn’t want me, so why am I bothering to think you or anyone else might ever want me?”
“Scout, you’re not making a lot of sense here.”
“Matt is my father apparently. I found out tonight, but everyone else has known for years, they just didn’t think I deserved to know.”
“Oh fuck,” he breathed.
“I fuck everyone’s lives up apparently, maybe it would have been better if I had died with my mom, but then again I fucked that up too, didn’t I? I mean, hell, I killed her. Ace hated that I lived, I fucked up Cas’s life, my real father didn’t want me. He felt like he could use me and hurt me, what the fuck’s the point, Thayne? Maybe you should go away before I destroy you too, your life will be better off without me around.”
“Scout,” he breathed.
“Did you know he cut his initials into my body? He wanted to make sure I never forgot the fun we had,” I laughed. “Like I could ever forget that, huh, I was stupid for trying too. Well at least I can’t pass on my brand of stupidity to the next generation, huh? I was left with one dream, and now that dream is being taken away, so what the fuck is the point anymore?”
“Scout,” he whispered, “what are you talking about?”
“Hmm?” I responded.
“What dream was taken?”
“Oh, I wanted to be a mommy. I know stupid dream for a tomboy, but I wanted it, had always wanted it. I never had a mom and the idea of being someone else’s was amazing. Only he took that dream away along with everything else, I mean look at me, who would want me now, scarred, crazy, stupid, and can’t give them babies.”
“Scout,” he whispered then wrapped me in his arms and let me cry. He let me cry and didn’t try to fix it, just held me rocking us back and forth and let me be.
“I’m sorry for dumping this on you,” I finally whispered.
“Mia Bella, you have nothing to be sorry about,” he whispered back.
We stood in his living room, and I let him hold me because I wasn’t strong enough to do it myself anymore, and I cried.
Chapter 33
I pulled back so I could see Thayne. “Thank you,” I murmured.
He wiped my cheeks with his thumb looking down into my eyes, “For what Bella?”
“For looking at me like that,” I whispered.
“And how am I looking at you, Bella?”
I shook my head slightly, “I can’t describe it.”
He leaned close to my ear, “Like I am falling in love with you?” he whispered.
I inhaled sharply at his words, “I…I don’t know,” I stuttered out.
“I am you know,” he murmured so close to my ear that his lips brushed it with every word, “have been for a while now.”
“Oh,” I breathed.
“I don’t expect or even want you to say it back until you’re ready, Bella, I just wanted you to know,” he murmured then kissed the soft sensitive skin behind my ear lightly. “So beautiful,” he whispered, “Mia Bella. I don’t want to rush you, Scout,” he continued. “I just wanted you to know, I needed you to know that.”
I nodded and he stepped back. “How about that coffee?” he asked and I nodded again.
I sat curled up on the couch slowly nursing the cup of coffee, watching Thayne who sat on the other end. I was confused, and a bit lost with everything that had happened today. I had people I needed to talk to. There were certain people who had answers to give, but I just couldn’t deal with anymore today.
�
��Why do you call me Mia Bella?” I asked breaking the quiet.
“Because that’s what you are, my beautiful.”
“Oh,” I said and went back to my thoughts.
“Do you not like it?” he asked a few moments later.
I shook my head. “It’s not that, it’s just that you started calling me that and I never really thought anything about it…” I trailed off.
“Until now?” he finished my thought.
“Yeah.”
“So,” he said.
“So,” I repeated.
“What are you going to do?”
“I don’t know, talk to them.” I shrugged trying to make it seem simple, when we knew it wasn’t.
“I’m leaving Ace & Lace,” he told me, “as soon as this is finished. I would leave now but I have Nikki to think about.”
I nodded, “The show.”
“The show,” he agreed. “The shop gets one third of our winnings the rest is being split between us.”
“Where are you going to go?”
“Well, I heard of this shop in San Diego, and I was going to see if they needed an artist.”
I looked over at him, “Are you serious?”
“Well, yeah,” he said looking at me nervously, “see there’s this girl, and I don’t want to lose her, since she’s in San Diego and I will be jobless soon, I thought I would give the city a try.”
“You are thinking of moving so you can be closer to me?”
“Well, it’s not just that, I can’t get another job where I live, there isn’t another shop, and I refuse to work for them. So I am moving anyway you look at it, why not go someplace I have connections?”
“What about Nikki?”
“She’s fine with it, we talked about it already.”
“She’s fine with uprooting her life?”
“No, that is going to suck, but she understands I have to work, and while I can work on cars, I prefer bikes, so that means leaving.”
“You could go to a restoration shop or something like that.”
“I could, but I like designing. I like the creative side I won’t get there.”
“I don’t know what to think.”
“Then don’t, not tonight, this is something we can talk about later.”
I nodded, but still couldn’t get it out of my head, Thayne living in the same city as me, having him close. I knew it should scare me that after just a few weeks he was talking about such a drastic change. Only it didn’t, it made me happy. The thought of him so close that this could become something more.
