A Life Plan Without You.

by Christine Wood

  “Everything’s great. I love it in fact and I've just been promoted. You look different, can’t put my finger on it, but in a good way. What have you been doing with yourself over the holidays?” He moved over and sat by me on the steps, sharing my stuff.

  “I have been working at the Castle Hotel in Blackpool for the summer hard work and long hours, but fantastic.” He helped me up and we walked back across the field. He put mad dog on her lead and she walked happily at his side.

  “Do you fancy going out whilst I’m on leave Michelle?” I smiled, as I bit into the last of my sandwich.

  “At this moment in time you wouldn’t want that Adam I come with baggage and I don’t want to get involved with anyone else yet, I’m not over him.” He smiled! He had such a nice smile.

  “As mates you idiot, we are still friends aren’t we?” I blushed, how and why did I think he meant something else?

  “Yes, sorry of course we are that would be wonderful, thanks as friends.” He smiled.

  “What’s the baggage Michelle tell me?” I put his hand on Bump.

  “She is my baggage and no he doesn’t know and no I don’t want him to know and yes I can manage. Did that answer all the questions?” He laughed.

  “I didn’t have any questions it’s just that she moved I think? It felt funny.” I laughed.

  “She’s been doing it a week, I thought it was gas. She is quite the early mover my little Bump, I’m not supposed to feel her move for weeks yet.” He laughed and helped me through the fence. “Keep it to yourself I haven’t told my parents yet and don’t want to, well for now anyway. There’s plenty of time for the shit to hit the fan.” He smiled, he knew my family well and he too got on well with my dad, our dads are best mates and drinking buddies.

  “She’s like her mum then, quite the kicker and fighter. Please come out with me tomorrow, I won’t keep you two ladies up and I need to get out of the house, please, it’s my treat? It’s bloody bedlam in the house, too many kids and not enough space. Mum’s pregnant again too I am a big brother at twenty two. Seven, sorry eight kids, with this one, you’d think they would have stopped at their age.” I looked at him. She was thirty eight not old. I laughed and she was a good catholic girl.

  “Yes, I fancy that Adam but we go Dutch, the last idiot I went out with thought buying me drinks meant he got sex, so no I pay my way or I don’t come. As to your mum she is not old, she had you when she was only sixteen. That bodes well for me then, I forgot your mum was younger than me. I can use her in my argument that I’m not as young as her best friend was or the first single young girl to get myself in a the family way.”

  “Sam expected sex because he bought you a drink? You’re not in a mess and I will be here if you need me Michelle, I will always have your back. You’re my best friend and my biggest regret.” I smiled he’s going to offer to be Bumps Dad.

  “Thanks Adam, you’re the best friend ever but put the thought of you and me that way out of your head please? I like you, love you and adore you, but not that way goat-boy, your more my like a big brother. So do you still want to take your biggest regret out Adam? The other lad he was called Paul and he was and is a proper idiot, total head case. No Sam wouldn’t do that to me ever, he was, is… Oh I miss him Adam, what do I do?”

  “We will talk tomorrow and you get big brother advice only. I will pick you up at, what about seven; can you be ready that early? You, Michelle Welles, should never say never, I’m pretty good with babies. Mum has had enough and I hope this one’s a bloody girl then she may stop, she has it in January.” I shook my head.

  “I’m mid to late January too. See you at seven tomorrow, Adam and remember shush, your mum will tell mine and well I need a few weeks to sort shit out.” He kissed my cheek and I watched as he walked the damn dog down the road, he turned, smiled and waved. I waved back and went in. Mum was back and ranting in the front room.

  “I’m going to bed Mum, I have a banging headache, and I need a darkened room.” She called me into the front room.

  “What is this?” She had my bankbook in her hand. I was fuming. Thank God, she hadn’t rummaged through my drawers or had she? No, the photo would be wafting there instead, shit she is a nightmare rummaging through my stuff.

  “It Mother is my bank book, and why have you been routing through my bag.” I snatched it off her.

  “Where did all the money come from?” Where did she think I got it from, did she think I worked hard all summer for nothing. On the other hand, had I spent the night’s street walking for cash? Please, she probably forgot I was even bloody working.

  “It’s my wages from work, and whatever I earned Gramps matched the same amount as I banked weekly, the rest is work bonus and money from dance classes. They pay us nut jobs to work nowadays Mother. Do not go through my things again Mum, that’s my stuff and its personal, you’ve no right to go through it.”

  I went to bed. She was ranting about it being her and house her rules, if I didn’t like it I should go. It had been quiet all bloody summer without me, as she opened another box of my chocolates. Bitch, as soon as I could, I would be getting out of here. Oh hell, I wanted to hurl. My headaches were horrid and painful. First thing tomorrow I go buy some sort of lock box.

  I put my rings, the photo, Sam’s birthday card to me, ensconced in it are the bundle of well-read valentines cards and finally my bank book, safely in a bag and put them under my pillow, they were coming with me tomorrow.

  Waking up I felt like crap; I’m starving and so tired because I slept awfully last night. I’d told Paul I was pregnant and I knew that was going to bite me in the arse, it was just a matter of when. Adam was fine, I could trust him, and he wouldn’t tell a soul. I had a shower and dressed, I headed to the kitchen and great there was nothing in for breakfast. So I went to town for breakfast in a café, when I realised it was gone midday when I actually woke, I decided on lunch. I was spending stupid amounts of time sleeping and tired. I spent quite a bit of the afternoon window-shopping, where I bumped into Zoë. She ran straight into my arms and hugged me. Strange, I always thought she hated me? I certainly didn’t trust her at all.

  “Are you all right Michelle?” I half expected her to ignore me.

  “Feeling absolutely great, but I have a lot of sad and lonely days, but generally I’m fine and you?” I noted she didn’t have her ring on and she spotted me staring at her empty finger and she smiled.

  “I’ve finally split from Andy, I sobered up and he was drinking more and more and was not that nice of a man and not a brilliant one to have a proper caring relationship with! One thing he wasn’t able to show me any warmth or love. He couldn’t do normal, not with his way out of control needs. He became odd very odd, in what he wanted me to do and well… Janet… Well her yes, me definitely not.

  He wanted beating raw and until he bled, shit he wanted flaying as a punishment. He'd scream at me he was a drunken wreck. When I did it the first time, I thought it was a new sex game, but after that first time he just curled in a ball and cried that he was a bad boy and that he had to learn to be good! He frightened me and he went wackier each day. I got a rest he didn’t want sex of any kind, just beating the crap out of. It was quite nice reversing the punishment, arghhhh good memory’s, no seriously Michelle; I’m well off out of all their shit now.” I held her hand I knew it must have been bad, if she said it was worse.

  “You sort of wonder is it worth it you know Michelle after what they did to you? You who actually loved them, what chance did I stand? Andy went off at the deep end when all this crap happened and boy did he go mad?” I knew what she did with Andy and what she was like and perhaps sober, what he liked she didn’t, she wasn’t in the right relationship. We went for coffee and she filled me in, she it seems knew everything of what Sam went through, lucky her. Whilst I knew nothing and I was really envious she knew all about Sam and had a pang of jealousy running through my hormonal mind that she knew things about him and I didn’t.

  “Sam had a
nervous breakdown and had gone into some sort of shock state, he didn’t speak anyone for ages, because for the first couple of days he was a child and didn’t know who the people round him where. That was awful to see, he didn’t recognise Emma or Allison, when they got back. Andy had hoped he would be better when they got back, but he only started coming around when they showed him pictures. The lads, well Jimmy, told him about you, he just cried all the time, Andy said he was making him worse and poor Jimmy was in a bad way too. I spent ages talking to him about you, but he couldn’t remember you, he just said who was Michelle.” I bet that made her fucking day, I was angry she was allowed by his bed and I wasn’t.

  “He came to see you, at Jimmy’s insistence and Andy flipped. He went when he was at work and it has to be said, Andy was right. It set him back weeks and Andy blamed you even more. Poor Sam, he was heartbroken when he got back from that meeting, but he said he just couldn’t hurt you again and what you said to him was all true.

  You were better off without him, and then we watched him so closely, I actually thought he would do something stupid, but I think he might have done it already, because Andy said he would have killed you if his brother had managed it, whilst he was drunk. That was the night he went to hit me and I ran and didn’t look back. Sam, apparently took his prescription pills too many times, Andy said he just forgot, but they watched him a lot after that.” I cried as she passed me a napkin.

  “I ranted at him that was all I remembered about that horrid day, that and his silence Zoë I can’t remember what I said to him, but honestly I’m so in love with him still it’s awful. I didn’t want to leave him because I loved him and I will always love him, just him Zoë but there’s not much chance of that with him in Spain, is there and me here?” She looked at me. She laughed what was funny about being heartbroken and still as madly in love with him now, as I was back then?

  “What? He’s not in Spain Michelle, he only went there for three months or so, to get over the attack and recuperate with Aunty Jane and Emma.” I stopped blubbering.

  “What attack? I know Andy said he fell down the stairs, at dance class but what attack Zoë, tell me?”

  “He didn’t fall down, he was punched or pushed, using both shoulders he was thrown backwards down the stairs, they found blood on the top landing and the others too, he had very nasty bruises on them both and they were quite bad marks from the sheer ferocity of the push. He breaks all over his body and his head was leys just say Sam doesn’t suit a skin head, he was in a coma for two weeks he had brain surgery too and at one point they thought he’d either die or be brain damaged, especially coming so soon after Dennis’s episode!

  The police reckon they were waiting to rob who ever came up the steps; he crawled out and was found outside the toy store next to dance class. He’d been robbed and was a fucking mess. He didn’t have any identification on him and as luck had it, a nurse recognised him in casualty, being as he was frequent flyer there with Emma, she contacted Andy and well we had a nightmare two weeks of bed watching and praying he’d get all his memory back!

  I don’t know they never caught the fella? Andy was pissed though, and has been really nasty to everyone since that thing at their old house and well when Sam was attached he got worse, he turned psycho like their Dad, sorry Dennis they don’t call him Dad. I left when he hit me I wasn’t going to be treated like Emma and he would have it’s in his eyes.

  That last night he just screamed at me that I didn’t care enough for him to help him. Why wouldn’t I put him first, he needed to he first for a change he needed to be loved too? He never asked for my help and as to putting him first, well he got what he wanted from me and he didn’t know how to be loved! I got nothing other than just kinky awful sex for years.

  Then when Sam net you he charged a little and bought me a few new dresses and shoes, we had a few really nice nights in a hotel and then I got the bargain basement engagement ring, he skimped on what should have been a grand token of his love, I was happy he wanted to commit so took what he offered but with a heavy heart because he didn’t think I was worth spending thousands on just a couple of hundred pounds and that was the dearest in the shop we went in too, as I said bargain basement. The love, if you can even call that love was as fake as the diamond in the ring! Yes shock horror Michelle my ring was an expensive paste gem, not a diamond, I know because it smashed when I stood on it when we had a row…

  They were nothing like yours, now they were all given with love and worn with love and I saw that looking at you two that day, he loved you so much and like your Sapphire and diamonds it was genuine and massive and showed the world he just how precious you were to him!” I was shocked, not at the sex thing I knew what they did, why had Andy lied to me? Then shocked about her lovely words she used to describe what Sam and I had, I was stunned had Zoë changed?

  “Was this the week I went away Zoë? Please remember it’s really important?” She took out her diary.

  “It was yes, he had his fall on the Friday and you left on the Saturday, why do you want to know Michelle? You were supposed to be with that other guy then and it tore him pieces. Only it turns out you weren’t and it was in this other lads head, right? I knew and told Andy to tell Sam. I bet he didn’t as I said drunk and unhinged.” I had a bloody good idea, who had hurt and attacked Sam. That’s what the police had asked about that last day at class.

  “I didn’t and haven’t been out with anyone other than Sam, no one else Zoë, on my baby’s life. I have only ever been with Sam.” She was catching flies. Damn it I’d done it again, I’d told her I was pregnant.

  “You’re having Sam’s baby or is that one of those cutesy names you called each other?” I showed her Bump’s photo and smiled.

  “Yes, as in I’m pregnant with our daughter, oh hell Zoë I know who hurt Sam and why.” I smiled at the photo and got a little emotional again. She looked so happy and as she handed me the photo back she sighed.

  “You need to tell him, Michelle. He should know about this, being her Father and you being on your own. This would bring him back to you, he loves you and you love him. I can give you their new address, if you want?” She wrote it down on a serviette. “Phone him and meet up with him, he knows you loved him when you went away. I met that mate of his Stuart. He was getting on the coach, with his girl Carol. He heard your conversation with that idiot and he remembered it nearly word for word he told me a month after you left. He and I were chatting in Heaven and he was stunned and shocked that for one, you two had split up and two, Sam was hurt. So he filled me in and I filled Andy in he was the only one dealing with Sam he even arranged for Sam to convalesce in Spain! I told Sam all about the conversation two weeks ago. I’m surprised he didn’t come for you?”

  I smiled. He didn’t love me and couldn’t forgive me Zoë, that’s why he didn’t come for me. My heart sank I’m thinking I may take up godmother’s offer of my own room. They would help me with Bump too and I could hide away there. Joe would help me he said anything I needed, was available for me, including buying a home for us, he would do it to keep me safe and happy, boy did I cry at that conversation yesterday.

  He would be the live in babysitter, in our nice big house somewhere with a garden and safe. He, whilst I went to university would look after her. Gosh I’m in a mess, oh not a mess. I’m damn lucky to have good friends that I can stop with, my headaches. I don’t need this stress, not now and not ever.

  “Zoe thank you this is wonderful to hear, it makes our split easier to bear, I have loads of things running through my dysfunctional brain and what you’ve just told me adds more things for me to worry about, I need to talk to someone you’re right, but not Sam, ad he wanted me back he would have come for me. I blew it using Paul to get Sam back; he can’t or won’t forgive me now!

  I’m going out with Adam tonight night, I needed to speak to someone who will tell me straight, that’s why I agreed to go to out with him, he will sort my head out for me, and he is my best friend and know
s me better than I know myself. I just need to get back to Blackpool and soon, this is killing me. It’s more stress I don’t need Zoë.” She got up to leave, hugging me.

  “I have to be going back to work Michelle, but please think about phoning him, he has a right to know. He couldn’t help the fall or the thing Dennis did, tell him. Always and forever, Michelle, not run when it gets tough, isn’t that your thing the two of you had? It seems you both need reminding. She, your baby has a right to know her Father and you need him too.

  His last words to me were he still loves you too, and he said that he’d never stopped, he only let you go because he was afraid for you, with Dennis wanting payback, he thought you were better off away from him, rather than here and in danger with him and believe it or not that nearly killed him doing that, that day…”

  I said I’d think about it, he had a right to know, but hell he had known about me not wanting Paul, and still hadn’t done anything and he may still love me but he would never forgive me now. I told her I would be in touch. I waved and thought about who else I’d let slip to about my baby. Sam’s attacker knew I was pregnant and he was angry and a psycho, shit, shit, shit... Well, you truly messed up this one Michelle Helen Welles. Shit, I gave myself my naughty name, shit it must be serious.

  I looked at the serviette and looked at the address. He lived near his Aunty. I wondered if they had purchased the Todd family commune and smiled. I wouldn’t be contacting him, because I didn’t want him to feel trapped into being a father, especially as this was unplanned. I put it in my bag and left the café with a few more answers, but with a hell of a lot more questions.

  I passed Posh Frocks and went in for a look at the dresses. I went through the rack and picked up a nice dress in cream and blue, a new cream cardi in soft wool, cashmere wool; it felt so nice and so it should be it was a tad expensive. I paid for it, expecting to get the whole bloody goat, not just his coat. I bought a new bag and shoes.

  I went to the stationary shop and purchased a lock box and I made my way home. I put my private stuff and my rings in the box, locked it and put it in my wardrobe the keys were in my bag. I went to bed. I needed a nap my head was killing me and I needed to know what to do about Psycho Paul, the baby and Sam, oh shit my head hurt. I spent the rest of the day locked in my room. Aunty Liz was away, Tasha is on holidays at her dad’s, and I don’t know who else to talk to, Adam will have to be bloody good.