Clawback
Page 19
I overhear Gary complain to Alan somewhere outside, "She's such a goddam drama queen. If she's not the centre of attention she's like this. Do you see what I have to live with?"
I plaster a fake smile on my face and address Kristy, "Hi, can I help with anything?"
Trish, who is shorter than I am, lifts her chin so that she can look down her nose at me, responds, "Oh, you made sure you were too late to actually do any work. Did you think we didn't notice?"
Fuck you too. "Oh, I'm sorry. Well goodnight, I'm off to bed."
And I flee the suffocating attitudes by dashing to the bedroom, grabbing a blanket and covering myself. Fully dressed. I'll do anything to avoid this persecution. I am so thirsty, I haven't had anything since my morning cup of coffee. And now I'm not eating either, so I can't be accused of pitching up to enjoy others’ hard work, being a lazy, good for nothing, anorexic, bitch.
"Where's Stefanie?"
Well, at least Neville notices.
"She's gone to bed."
"What?"
Mumble mumble.
I close my eyes when I hear the bedroom door open three minutes later.
"Get up and socialise with them."
I open my eyes and flinch at Gary's hate, plastered all over his face.
"I've got a headache. I'm going to sleep."
He leans over me and whispers in spitting anger, "You are making this very hard for me. Stop it. Stop being so fucking childish."
I close my eyes and ignore him.
Just for the record. That was the longest weekend of my life. And purgatory welcomed me with open arms. My misery was only just beginning.
Chapter 35
I haven't been allowed to consume alcohol either, since Gary made his new rules. Drunk women are cheap. Wow. So the man who regularly plied me with enough liquor for a frat party, now has a new view on me drinking or smoking.
Naturally, he's allowed to do both. He's allowed out. He has freedom, and I have dawdled to the brink of mental ruin by living inside his four walls without any normal anything.
I get up just before dawn and sneak to the kitchen and have a long drink from the kitchen tap. Hoping that's enough water to sustain me for the day. Quietly I slip out of the door and start walking.
I walk until I'm totally lost, in the middle of a field, far away from them. I sit down on the dusty dry earth with the ants and beetles, and start reading my book, but can't focus. My eyes are blurring with pain. I hate this place.
The sand is almost red, like iron oxide. It's hard, and dry, unlike the fertile black soil at home. There's no moisture in the air, despite the knowledge that there is a river close by.
It's fairly flat, the eye can see a panorama for miles. And all I'm staring at is long dry grass, and a smattering of trees on the land. The only nice things here are the few frangipani trees that line the drive in front of the hovel I paid a fortune to stay in, against my will.
It's hell being stuck in a bedroom with Gary. I haven't let him see me naked for months, and now he wants me to pretend to be a loving partner, sleeping in the same bed? Knowing him, he'll take advantage of the moment with a house full of people, all on his side. I have no idea where we are.
It's so isolated that there's no way I can even hitch home, if I even knew which direction to take. I cry for as long as I dare. Then I continue reading, praying for time to accelerate, so that I can get the hell away from them, and him.
I can't go on like this. I have no idea where I'm going, but I have to get out. I feel so stifled and persecuted, my anguish has become unbearable. I cannot endure any more.
Only once, in the distance, I saw Gary, Alan and Neville, wandering along a path chattering noisily and laughing sporadically. The sound of him laughing fills me with more bitterness. I lay back in the long grass to hide until I could no longer hear them.
I would love to brush my teeth. Maybe get something to drink. But to be honest, I'm wondering if Gary ever cared for me. Is he even vaguely worried that something has happened to me? Out here, in the middle of nowhere? If I'd been bitten by a poisonous snake I'd be long dead before anyone found me. His complete lack of interest exhumes heartache I believed I was beyond.
Skittishly, I survey sun blackened rocks. Lizards roam in paradise, here. Shocking yellow and electric blue lizards. If there are lizards, there must be snakes. I mean come on, this is me we're talking about.
Hiking up Table Mountain I was confronted with a yellow king cobra. Hiking the Drakensberg, my best friend stood on a berg adder. I am not known for my luck out in the bush. Do I need a better reason to prefer the ocean and flat white beach?
A part of me wanted him to come looking for me. For once, I'd like to see him smile at me. Possibly say a kind word. My heart aches with constricting pain when I think about how Gary makes me feel now.
He ruined my life. He clipped my wings just as I was about to fly. He wasted my time just long enough to burn every bridge, and then switched. He became the monster I now know: the one who has reduced me to nothing. I am not even worthy of his time.
I stayed there all day, and continued to sit there until darkness had slipped cold tendrils around me for at least two hours. I sigh heavily, wipe my eyes, and trudge slowly and quietly toward the only light in the darkness. That must be the house we're staying in. The cicadas are so loud, they are almost deafening. Good thing I'm not scared of bugs or bats.
As I get closer, I can see and hear them, but because of the absolute dark, they can't see me out here watching them. I'm loathe to return. I'd rather wait until they go to bed.
Kristy comes out onto the steps and calls Gary from the fire, where the men are barbecuing together, smoking a joint in jovial camaraderie.
"Gary, I think it's time you went to look for Stefanie."
I can't hear his reply because of his deep baritone.
"Gary, she's been missing all day!"
This response I definitely hear.
"I don't give a fuck."
And just like that, by accident, I got the answer to the question that's plagued me all day. Does Gary love me? Did he ever love me? Obviously not. I stagger backwards, a wounded yelp sneaking past my lips.
I stumble through trees, trying to put as much distance between myself and him as I can. I'm cold. I'm tired. I'm hungry and thirsty. And I'm so alone.
My hold on composure, and possibly even my sanity, is fragile. It hurts. It really bloody hurts. How many years did I give to him alone? I never cheated once, yet he did. Was it just to own me? Why?
Broken I cry, curled up on the hard earth at the base of a tree. There's nothing left on earth for me. No friends, no job, no home, no love, nothing. I am wracked, broken and I despise life.
I hate living. All it's given me is endless pain. Right now, I want to die more than anything else in the world. In fact, that's exactly what I'm going to do. The minute I get back home, I'm going to go down to the park and end it. Anything to stop this pain.
I fall asleep curled up against the cold. Shattered, inside a body still whole, despite massive neglect.
… Pause ...
… Play ...
I am jubilant when I return and they're all packing the cars. YAY! We're leaving. Neville rushes to me, putting a warm hand on my aching arm, "Stef. Jesus I've been worried sick about you."
I dredge out a smile, "Thanks."
Gary is glaring at me with undisguised hatred now. He doesn't care who sees him loathing me. What? I didn't speak to anyone. Wasn't that one of the rules for the weekend?
He stalks past me and hisses, "When we get home ..."
Another threat. I almost want to smile back. When we get home I'm going to kill myself. And I'll finally be free of you.
I get into the back seat with my book and start reading it all over again. I don't care what anyone says, I am ignoring them all. I just have to hold on to my ragged edges for a few more hours. Just a few more hours of hell, and I can run.
Except the devil is watching. And he
's looking after his spawn.
My heart sinks when I hear Gary and Charl talking, on the drive.
"Let's stop and say hi to Adam."
God no! I hate Adam. And I can't keep hanging on.
Gary is so excited that for a nanosecond he forgets he hates me, "Hey woman? Wouldn't that be rad?"
I shake my head and whisper, "No."
I can't. I just can't keep a hold on my agony for as long as they decide to put me through even worse hell with Adam, Gary's druggie, lunatic friend. He's the kind of guy that would bump you off the planet as a favour to an old friend.
Gary's eyes narrow, "What did you say?"
Trish is relishing this stand-off, and turns in her seat to watch the spectacle with obvious glee.
"I want to go home. I don't want to go to Adam."
"You have to fuck up everything, don't you? What the fuck is your problem?"
SNAP
I slap his arm, hard.
"YOU'RE MY FUCKING PROBLEM!"
And just like that I lose it, like a ricocheting bungee cord I start raining bitch slaps all over Gary. He's looking so angry, embarrassed and shocked, he seems alarmed.
I have never snapped. Never. I've let him degrade me, shame me, cheat on me, lie to me, molest me, torture me, punish me and, not once through it all, have I ever retaliated. But I can't take anymore. I just am so hurt that I need to hurt him. He hits me back and I feel pain lance though my cheek as the burning spreads.
Wild, crazed, I start clawing and screaming, “I hate you. I hate you! I HATE YOU!”
Charl hits the brakes hard. Causing me to brace myself and stop hitting Gary. Charl turns in his seat, and points a finger at my nose, yelling at me like I'm his bastard three-year-old son, "HEY - HEY - HEY!" In a disciplinary tone he shouts at me, "You stop this shit right now!"
I slap his finger away, "I fucking hate you too."
Trish is outraged and reaches over to slap me again, "Don't you talk to him like that." She makes contact too.
I am crazed with anger and am ready to kill her. I thrust my door open and stalk around the car, yanking at her locked door. "GET OUT. Come on you coward! You've been bitching about me all weekend without ever having met me. I've heard you. If you have so much to say then get out here and face me fair and square."
Gary dives out of the car and locks his arms around me. Lifting me off my feet, "Woman, stop it. Please, stop it."
The cars with the groupies have stopped behind us. Everyone is gawping at me and Gary. Trish yells out of the top of her window, "Crazy bitch!"
I scream back, "Get out here. I'll fucking kill you!"
"Jesus, woman, what the hell is wrong with you?" Gary, naturally, has to defend the potato bitch.
He carries me in a human straitjacket off to a safe distance before putting me on the ground, gripping my shoulders so hard it hurts. Forcing me to face him.
Whispering, in a shaking voice, he demands, "What the hell? Stefanie, I've never seen you like this."
I can't take any more. I disintegrate. My shoulders fold forward as I start sobbing hysterically, "Gary why? Why did you do this to me?"
"What? I haven't done anything to you. You're the one doing this to me."
I shake my head as sobs and wretched howls escape from the solitary confinement Gary has made my my wounded life. "Why? Why did you date me? Why did you choose me? I can't do this any more, Gary. It hurts too much."
"Because I could. You were a challenge."
And just like that, the water stops flowing. The anger courses strength back into my bones. I slap him with all of my might, before turning on my heel and starting to walk home.
I have no idea where the fuck I am. But I'm not getting back into that car with that woman, because I want to KILL her. I am not going to Adam's house for more hours of misery. I'll take my chances.
I don't care if it takes me three weeks to walk home. I'm not spending another moment with that bunch of hypocritical, back stabbing, assholes.
He runs after me, "Woman, what are you doing?"
"Leaving."
"You can't leave."
"Watch me."
"Stefanie, come on. Be reasonable. You're miles from anywhere."
I pause, my voice screeching out of me, "I. Don’t. Care."
He grips my arm, forcing me to stop, "Woman! Stop this shit right NOW."
With my free hand, I shoot my arm up to slap him again. He catches my wrist. His strength biting into my bones, I'm so painfully thin.
"STOP IT!"
Through clenched teeth, I hiss back, "Fuck you. Thank you very much for fucking up my life, you fucking liar!"
"Me? What the hell did I do?"
I wrench my hands free and start battering him again, "WHAT DID YOU DO? WHAT DID YOU DOOOOOO?"
Sobs start falling out of me. The agony seeping out like puss. Rancid, putrid, oozing wounds, kept locked up quietly in silence for so long.
"You promised. You fucking promised!"
Gary starts crying. "Woman, stop it. I love you."
"NO YOU DON'T." I shriek, wounded, howling. "I HEARD YOU TELL KRISTY, YOU DON'T GIVE A FUCK!"
"I didn't mean it. What was I going to say? You made me look bad."
I punch his arm with all my feeble might, "You don't love me. You never did. All you wanted to do was make me a prisoner and fuck up my life. You took away EVERYTHING that made me happy. I HATE YOU."
He's shaken. I can see him trembling. He looks quite frightful.
I sob, shoving my hand over my mouth, and continue storming down the road. Anything rather than go back there. NO MORE.
… Pause ...
… Play ...
The friends had a meeting as I stormed down the road toward the sign that announced the direction to White River. It was decided that for Trish's safety, Gary and I would travel back with Alan. Kristy, not taking any chances, would travel with Trish and Charl. And, thank God, we are skipping going to Adam's.
I can hardly wait to get home. This is the longest journey of my life. I see Trish and Kristy gossiping about the drama. They keep turning around in their seats to look into this vehicle at me. Every time they do, I defiantly salute them with my middle fingers. And every time I do, upset Gary is gaining in anger. Oh yeah, when we get home, Armageddon is going to look tame.
His face is a postcard for Judgement Day.
Chapter 36
As the car stopped outside Gary's, I bolted. I had my key ready. There was no way I was sticking around for goodbyes. No one knew my side of the story. And none of them wanted to. Isn't it easier to believe the fake victim, over the real one? Let's be frank for a second, by blowing up in front of his entire entourage, I probably gave them all the proof they needed to believe every lie he's ever told them.
While they are at the back unpacking cars, and offering sympathy to Gary, I let myself inside. Grab a jacket, because I am freezing, shove my ID into my pocket so that whoever finds my body will be able to identify me, grab a coke from the fridge because I am so parched, and make a dash out the front, where none of them can see me leave.
In under five minutes I've escaped. As if I'd vanished into thin air. When I left, I carefully placed my keys on the table where he'd see them, and I released the catch so the door locks behind me. I have no intention of ever coming back.
I cover the distance to the park rapidly, and take cover beyond the high hedges with relief. Finally I am alone. I wonder over to a large rock and sit on it, suddenly struck with the beauty and serenity of the natural surrounds.
There's something about contemplating death that makes you appreciate the world around you. When you're looking at it to say good-bye, the magnificence of nature causes tears to well in your jaded eyes. My heart pounds with a sharp pang of remorse.
The grass is perfect. It's lush and green. The trees sway with carefree abandon as a frame for the beauty. It's quiet. The only sound - birds twittering. I lay back and stare at the perfect blue sky. It's just beautiful.
/> Bitterness struggles to engulf me. Honestly, I just want this pain inside me to stop. It's all I've ever known. The joys have been so short lived.
Marty was a whole three months. My friendships are always cut short far too soon, before they really get a chance to flourish. I love to dance, but haven't been able to do so with relish because of the rule makers I let in to my life.
I wanted to completely immerse myself in the experiences offered on this planet. But I live in fear of judgement. My family would never be happy knowing I'd tattooed my body, drank alcohol, or smoked. They wouldn't ever approve of the music I listen to. Nor the clothes I prefer.
I've never ever felt completely loved, accepted or worthy. I've never been good enough. The only time there is no drama, is when I do what everyone else wants me to do. No one cares what I want or what makes me happy. It's because of this, that I can never go to them.
My mother has an insane need to control everything in her life, including her children. She loses her sanity sometimes, and you can't reason with her. And when she's angered, she likes to make you suffer: weeks of torturous silence, scathing bitchiness every time she talks to you. Literally making you feel despicable for breathing and taking up space.
There is no way in hell, or earth, that I would ever run to her for help. When I started dating after I left school and started working, she still scolded me as though I was ten. And she hated Gary for taking her reins, for dominating my time with hikes, holidays, dinners and movies.
And nothing could get me to ever turn to my dad. He's just as scary. Give him a drink and watch the dark side come out. I can't run away to family in my hour of need. Because of their scorn and judgements. I am here, alone, desperate.
That’s what I tell myself anyway. In the back of my mind I know that I chose to return to him. I wanted to believe that happy endings are possible with your first true love. He was special and once was wonderful. I learned this lesson the hard way. Too late.