Clawback
Page 24
I give her a wan smile. "It's okay."
"But my lord, Stef. Do you know why we broke up? I was so disgusted. Gary is such an evil bastard."
Really? You don't say.
"All those times they said they were going to play pool, they weren't. Neville told me the truth. I saw it with my own eyes, Stef. My God, I can't tell you how shocked I was. Those bastards were going to that whore-house every Thursday night. Spending thousands a night on prostitutes. Stef, can you believe it? I didn't want to, until I saw Alan and Gary there with my own eyes. It was disgusting!"
She's waving her hands around frantically. Dramatising the explanation. But I feel as though she’s just punched me. I'm winded. I can't breathe.
"Those fuckers were caught red-handed. Every Thursday while we sat at home, they went to Slippery Satan and spent the whole night with girl after girl. And they were using so much cocaine that I'm surprised neither of them are dead. Stefanie, it broke me in half."
You mean, like I am, now?
"Thank God for Neville. He's the only decent one amongst that scum!"
I nod, numb. I don't know how he managed it, but he's just ripped my heart out again. This is just too much. How much damage can one man do?
… Pause …
… Play ...
It took me years to gain real perspective. I now know that only an insecure man wants to control you. I now know that a man accuses you when he has a guilty conscience. Not because you actually did anything. But because he's so paranoid that the world is going to do to him, what he's doing to you.
I know that it doesn't matter how long you are with someone, you may never fully know them. Look long and hard at that man in your bed tonight. Do you really know him? I thought I knew Gary. Well Kristy blew that illusion out of the window with military brilliance.
I know now, that I was a prime target for an abusive male. Growing up in a home where my father disciplined his wife so severely, that later on in life the doctors tell her she's going to need traction to fix her badly distorted spine. My parents could not teach us how to love, for they had none. I could not learn how to cherish, because I never witnessed it. I did not understand self-respect, until I lost everything.
I've come a long way, thanks to loving friends like Selene, and from knowing people calm and balanced, like Richard, Zeke and Tom. I've learned how other people function, from my friends. Love isn't explosive and angry, and no one can dictate to you. You have the power to say no. And just because he's not as bad as your parents, doesn't mean he's good to you.
Pay attention, I'm sharing wisdom here.
If Gary taught me anything, it's that love belongs to an equation that does not fail.
Love = Pain
If you love someone, they can hurt you. If you love someone, the loss of that person, through divorce, illness, death or drugs, will destroy something sacred inside you. The parts of you that once were whole, are systematically stripped, by the pain of heartache.
There is only one kind of true love. And I've found it. Or it found me. The day when Gary flippantly made that remark about me being fucked up. In that moment I knew, I love myself far too much to ever let him put me through his shit again.
I finally found a love that lasts. Love for myself. And only by loving myself, am I safe from abuse and control. Because if I love myself, as much as I loved Gary, I will always have the motivation to make me happy. To keep me safe, to fulfil my dreams, my goals and my desires.
Yes. I love me. At last, I love myself enough to make better choices. I love myself enough to be alone if need be. If someone treats me badly, I'm better off without them. Never again can anyone take this away from me. Even death, can't take this away from me.
I know, I'm all gushy and should start sending myself secret admirer notes. Send myself a Valentine's card. But I mean it. I hope you find the love I've found. It's complete. It makes me whole. And I am happy.
I have happy tears right now. I accept myself. I love myself. I'm putting that girl in the mirror with the bright blue eyes FIRST!
I'll let you know what happens but I have a feeling that loving myself like this means I will never be insecure again. Because even though I love Richard, I don't need him to validate my existence. I'm not needy. I think you only find and keep rewarding and nurturing love when you don't need to be loved by anyone else. Gary owns people. If someone thinks they can own you, get the fuck away from them as fast as you're able.
Okay, enough chitchat. I have to go. And next time, I promise, I'll give you the dish on the thrilling ride of being engaged to a man-god.
Define man-god. He doesn't need me. I don't need him. Because of that we never stop treasuring each other, because we both think we're the luckiest souls alive.
Must go. Kiss kiss.
Bye.
P.S: Oh wait! I nearly forgot the best bit. Years later, Neville and I were chatting. I was shocked, to be honest, when he told me he'd been talking to Gary about me. Doesn't it ever end? But anyway, to the point: Neville shared what Gary had told him, "I think I fucked her up for life."
Oh puh-lease!
He wishes. He'd love to take the credit for ruining me forever. Although to be fair, I'm surprised he's grown enough as a person to recognise that he damaged me.
So Gary, if anyone ever shares this private conversation with you, I'd like to go on record here. "You are not that powerful. It's time someone popped your ego and gave you a very expensive reality check."
I'm happy asshole. Deal with it!
Acknowledgements
I would like to thank the following bands/musicians for the use of their lyrics and song titles in this novel, and for the added freedom of using their work in promotional materials.
Surrounded By Idiots (SBI)
www.surroundedbyidiots.com
Especially Scott Norton and Scott.
Feedback
Especially Nic James and Marc A Klein
www.amazon.com/Pieces/dp/B001FXAQM8/ref=mb_oe_o
Andy Chester
www.recreationrecords.com
Cutting Jade
www.makesomenoise.co.za/members/654/index.php
Especially Nancy
La Paz
www.lapazrocks.com
Especially Chic McSherry
Feedback disbanded. The two members mentioned above have a new band I'm working with, titled Almost Alice. Thank you also to David H who posed for my covers.
My big thanks goes to my husband who gives me endless freedom to write and who supports my work.
Table of Contents
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Chapter 19
Chapter 20
Chapter 21
Chapter 22
Chapter 23
Chapter 24
Chapter 25
Chapter 26
Chapter 27
Chapter 28
Chapter 29
Chapter 30
Chapter 31
Chapter 32
Chapter 33
Chapter 34
Chapter 35
Chapter 36
Chapter 37
Chapter 38
Chapter 39
Chapter 40
Chapter 41
Chapter 42
Chapter 43
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