Split

by Alicia Rades

  I swallowed down the lump in my throat just long enough to sputter, “I—I have to go.”

  “Maddie, wait.” Logan caught me before I could reach the hallway.

  I whirled to face him. “This isn’t fair, Logan!”

  He took a step back like I’d slapped him.

  I didn’t waste a moment to clarify. “You guys told me that whoever I didn’t choose would move on. Do you think this is easy for me to see you heartbroken? You’re still my friend. I still care. But you can’t just serenade me with Lucy and think that’s fair. Why can’t we just be friends? Why does there have to be all this ‘pieces of dreams’ crap? I like the days when we can goof off and wipe ice cream on each other’s faces without it feeling all complicated. Why can’t we go back to that? Why are my only choices being your girlfriend or not being anything at all? Why can’t we just be friends?”

  Logan cut in as soon as I took a moment to breathe. “Maddie, I’m sorry. I didn’t realize you’d react like this. I wasn’t trying to get you or anything. It’s just how I feel, and I can’t help that.” He shoved his hands in his pockets and stared at the floor shyly. When I didn’t say anything back, he spoke again. “And what do you mean about the ice cream food fight?”

  I furrowed my brow at him. “You know. It was when we went out for ice cream. Your ice cream cone grazed my nose, and I got you back.”

  If possible, Logan shoved his hands into his pockets even deeper. “That never happened, Maddie. Not with us, anyway.”

  “What? Of course it did. It was just a couple of weeks ago …” My voice trailed off. Was it? We weren’t even talking a couple of weeks ago.

  “That must have been something with Aaron,” Logan stated.

  Well, Aaron and I did go get ice cream together. How was it that I remembered Logan was there, too?

  His eyes dropped shyly again. “And I never told you the name of my guitar, either. How’d you know that?”

  His gaze lifted, and I froze. How did I know that? An ill sensation twisted in my gut, and my throat closed up, preventing the response I didn’t even have.

  “Are you okay?” Logan asked with genuine concern.

  I swallowed hard but could still barely answer. “Yeah, I—I think I might be getting sick. Excuse me.”

  When I fled, he didn’t chase after me. Confusion followed me all the way to the lunchroom. I managed to make it just as the last few students filed through the line. I grabbed my lunch and then hurried to sit between Alaina and Aaron, all the while trying to shake off my encounter with Logan.

  “What took you so long?” Aaron asked gently.

  I almost didn’t hear him, but a moment later, his question registered. “Me? Oh, my shoe was giving me troubles.” At least that wasn’t a lie. I turned back to my food and hoped my piggy tail concealed enough of my face that he couldn’t tell I was hiding something from him.

  CHAPTER 15

  LOGAN

  I spent Thursday and Friday doing my best not to think about Aaron at school, but every time I saw him in the halls or in class, the memory of our kiss found its way to the forefront of my mind. Eventually, it seemed to make a permanent home there.

  It didn’t help that I’d now had two semi-romantic dreams about Aaron. In one, we ran around the mall having a blast in the photo booth and on those small kiddie rides you pay a quarter or two to sway back and forth on. In the other, Aaron and I sat cuddled on my couch while we watched—well, mostly watched—a movie. The scary part was how vivid the dreams were.

  I did my best not to look at him across the lunchroom on Friday, but it took all my willpower, so much that I didn’t even engage in the conversation at lunch. The grip on my fork tightened. A sudden urge to stand in front of the entire lunchroom and scream at him overcame me.

  How could you do this to me? I imagined myself yelling. Don’t you see what you’ve done? I can’t enjoy time with my friends anymore because all I think about now is you and that kiss! I made up my mind. I chose Logan. And now I don’t know how to feel. Why couldn’t you just move on like you said you would? It would have been easier for everyone!

  Of course, I refrained myself from confronting him.

  I knew the best thing was to be honest with Logan and tell him about the kiss. After all, it’s not like I kissed Aaron back, was it? Except, I still couldn’t bring myself to mention it to anyone. It was like if I didn’t talk about it, it didn’t happen. Luckily, Aaron hadn’t tried to talk to me since. I wondered if that meant he was giving up on me or if it just meant he thought giving me distance was the next step in winning me over.

  Well, it won’t work! I thought angrily on my way to dump my tray.

  In art, Alaina dropped her sketchbook next to me on our table, startling me out of my daze. I quickly slammed my own sketchbook closed so she wouldn’t see the drawing of Aaron I’d just been staring at. I’d sketched it last night and had nearly finished it before I really knew what I was drawing.

  “What’s up?” Alaina slid into her seat beside me before the bell rang.

  “Oh—uh.” I shrugged. “Nothing.”

  She scooted her chair closer to me. “Something’s clearly bothering you. You’ve been acting strange since yesterday. You didn’t say a word at lunch, and you hardly ate your lasagna.”

  Crap. She noticed. I hope Logan didn’t.

  “I’ve just been tired,” I answered vaguely.

  She eyed me suspiciously. “You owe me a real explanation.”

  “I do not!” I answered too quickly.

  “Well, you owe me something for ditching out of dress shopping last weekend.”

  Ouch. That stung so much that I had to hold back a wince. I glanced around at my classmates to stall. The bell for class rang before I could answer. I didn’t have the time to explain, and I didn’t want anyone else to overhear. Still, Alaina was right. I owed her something.

  “Fine, but not now. Come over after school, and we can hang out before the homecoming game.”

  Her eyes brightened. “Ooh, maybe we could have a sleepover afterward and then I can hang out until the dance tomorrow. We can get ready for it together.”

  I smiled back at her. “That sounds like a lot of fun.”

  ***

  “Spill,” Alaina demanded. She dropped her bag onto my bed next to Parrot, who was sleeping and didn’t even acknowledge we were there. “What’s been up with you the past couple of days?”

  I shut my bedroom door even though my parents weren’t home. My cheeks grew hot as I sank into my desk chair and stared down at Logan’s bracelet around my wrist. In the next moment, a guilty sensation hit my gut. I shrugged without meeting Alaina’s gaze. I knew I’d end up admitting the truth to her, but I hadn’t yet found the courage. “Well, first of all, you’ve been mad at me all week.”

  I caught Alaina’s head drop from out of the corner of my eye. “Yeah, I guess, but you deserved it.”

  “I did,” I admitted sheepishly, “but I still don’t like knowing you’re mad at me. I thought about what you said.”

  “Which thing I said?”

  I leaned down to reach into my bag for my sketchbook. “About how I was changing myself for Logan. I’ve been drawing more. See?” I flipped to the drawing of Logan’s hand on his guitar and set the book next to her on my comforter.

  Alaina’s brows shot up. “Wow. That’s really good. I mean, your drawings are always good, but …” She paused to inspect the drawing. “This one has so much detail.” She slowly flipped the pages through the next few drawings, eyeing each of them carefully.

  Before she reached the latest one of Aaron, I pulled the sketchbook back and stuffed it in my bag. “See? I’m still the same old Maddie. I might even be better now.” I said the words, but they didn’t feel true.

  Alaina laughed, a sound that told me she’d forgiven me. “I’m fine now. I promise. I just want to go to the homecoming dance with you tomorrow without being mad at each other.”

  I relaxed. “Do you want to see m
y dress? I stole one of Amy’s. It’s really pretty.” Without waiting for an answer, I stood and headed to my closet. When I turned around with the dress in hand, Alaina was frowning. “What?”

  “It is pretty, but whatever has been happening the past couple of days has nothing to do with me or the dress. Did something happen between you and Logan?”

  My words came out too fast for my own liking. “What? Why would you think that?”

  “You didn’t answer the question,” she accused.

  I sighed and turned to place the dress back in my closet. Before answering, I sank onto my bed opposite her. “No, nothing happened between me and Logan.” I bit my lip nervously, and my pulse quickened. Alaina was my best friend, and I’d never held something from her for so long. I took a deep breath before working up enough courage to tell her the truth. My heart hammered as the confession tumbled out of my mouth. “But something happened between me and Aaron.”

  “What?” she practically shouted. “What kind of something?”

  My gaze locked on the lavender lampshade next to my bed. I couldn’t look her in the eyes. “Aaron kissed me.”

  Her jaw dropped. “Oh my gosh. That sleaze ball.” She eyed me to assess my reaction, but my expression didn’t change. “Or not.”

  I plopped onto my back on the bed, and my eyes turned up to the ceiling. Finally, Parrot noticed and hopped onto the floor. He proceeded to crawl under the bed.

  “I don’t know,” I complained. “At first, I thought the same thing. How could he think he had any right to do that?”

  Alaina lowered herself next to me and propped her head up on one elbow. “Well, did you kiss him back?”

  I went quiet for a beat and then spoke in a whisper. “I can’t remember.” My words hung in the air for several seconds.

  Thankfully, Alaina eased the awkwardness. “You know what I think?” She didn’t wait for an answer before she continued. “I think you need a break from these guys. Both of them.”

  Both of them? I nearly cried out as if the thought was completely ludicrous, but I shut my jaw tight. I didn’t think an outburst like that would help.

  “Let’s be honest,” Alaina continued. “Nothing has been the same since you made your decision. I still stand by what I said last weekend. You’ve been changing yourself for Logan, and I don’t think it’s healthy.”

  “So, what?” I asked, never tearing my gaze from the ceiling above me. “I should just not choose either of them? I should just be alone for the rest of my life?”

  “Not the rest of your life. But for now, yeah. That’s exactly what I think.”

  I finally swiveled my head to look at her, but I couldn’t bring myself to agree nor disagree.

  CHAPTER 16

  AARON

  By Friday morning, I had a stronger sense of what Logan meant by “you come back to me in pieces of dreams.” Thursday night, I’d dreamt that Logan took me out to a waterfall to have a picnic, and we spent hours cuddled in each other’s arms just staring at the sky. It’s crazy how it could feel I’d lived an entire day in what must have been just a few minutes of dreaming.

  That morning, I threw my hair into a messy bun and dressed in my cheerleading uniform since it was school spirit dress up day. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d worn my hair up, since Aaron liked it down, but somehow, it seemed like it suited me today.

  I did my best to avoid Logan in the hall that morning, but he caught my eye as I passed by. I shyly turned away, but that didn’t quiet the tune to his song that played through my head. Why did I put my hair up this morning? I wondered to myself while wishing I had something to conceal my face at the moment. As I approached Aaron’s locker, I could still feel Logan’s eyes on the back of my head. I forced myself to ignore it.

  “Some people take this school spirit thing way too seriously,” I joked to Aaron once I reached him. I glanced around the hall and noticed several girls in blue and white tutu skirts and tall heels.

  “Well, the guys need a reason to play well.” He eyed one of the girls in a tutu up and down in jest.

  I swatted at him playfully. “You mean your team only plays well when there are pretty girls in the audience?”

  “Don’t forget about the pretty girls on the cheerleading squad.” He beamed.

  I smiled back as we headed to my locker. Somehow, even as I bent down at my locker and fixed my gaze on my notebooks, I could feel Logan approaching. The sensation of him watching me intensified. I glanced up just as he passed me. Our eyes locked for a split second, and my heart skipped a beat. Aaron didn’t seem to notice my discomfort. I drew in a breath of courage and then stood holding my notebook.

  “Walk me to class?” I suggested.

  Aaron took my hand and agreed.

  ***

  At lunch, I couldn’t help but glance at Logan every now and then. Aaron and I had compromised and joined my friends’ table again. Logan actually engaged in the conversation today, which seemed strange. Did that mean he was getting over things, or did his statements from the day before still stand?

  “I have to use the bathroom,” Alaina stated after we finished our food.

  “Me, too,” Holly agreed.

  “And me,” Emily joined in.

  I glanced up at the three of them. Was there some party happening in the girls’ bathroom I didn’t know about? Emily subtly widened her eyes at me, a message that I should join them.

  “Me, four.”

  I heard the guys chuckle as we all walked away. “Why do girls always have to go to the bathroom in groups?” Blake asked. I didn’t hear a response as we distanced ourselves from the table.

  “So, what’s with the secret party in the bathroom?” I asked as soon as the door swung shut behind us.

  All three of my friends turned to stare at me.

  “What?” I asked innocently. I didn’t have anything to be guilty about, did I?

  Holly spoke with a smile on her face. “What’s with you and Logan?”

  Emily wiggled her blond eyebrows, and Alaina leaned against the bathroom counter with an amused expression on her face.

  “Me and Logan?” I asked, honestly confused. “What are you talking about?”

  Holly pushed her dark curls out of her face. “Well, Logan hinted …”

  My teeth gritted. What was Logan saying about me?

  “Yeah,” Alaina said. “While you and Aaron were still in line, Jordan asked Logan if he had a date for the dance. He said something about he hoped, and then he looked at you.”

  “What?” I nearly shouted. I couldn’t believe the nerve of that guy. “Nothing is happening between us! I’m going to the dance with Aaron. Why would he say something like that?”

  “Well.” Emily dragged out the word and glanced around at the rest of us. “He did share the lyrics of his song with me yesterday in choir.”

  “Oh my gosh!” I buried my face in my hands. How could Logan think he still had a chance with me? He didn’t. At least, that’s what I told myself. I wasn’t entirely sure after hearing his song yesterday.

  “Song?” Alaina asked Emily. “You didn’t mention a song.”

  “She told me,” Holly said proudly. “Something about … what was it? He dreams about Maddie and still loves her and …”

  “Yeah, kind of,” Emily explained. “It was about how he was trying to get over her but couldn’t …”

  Their voices faded into the background while a wave of heat overcame me. I still hadn’t dropped my hands from my face, but I leaned my hip against the corner of the counter to steady myself. Sure, Logan’s song was beautiful, he had magnificent eyes, and I felt comfortable around him, but Aaron was the one I chose. Still, it would be nice to give him a chance, to really see what it would feel like to lie in his arms for hours on end, to taste his kiss, to—

  I quickly shut down that thought and dropped my hands. My attention focused back on the conversation.

  “That sounds sweet,” Alaina said. She turned to me. “I told you Logan
was a good guy. I mean, the guy wrote a song for you. If that’s not romantic, then I don’t know what—”

  “Aaron,” I said too loudly, cutting her off. I didn’t even want to think about Logan right now. When I did, it was like I forgot all about Aaron and had to say his name just to remember he existed.

  All three of my friends stared at me, shocked by my outburst.

  “Aaron is romantic,” I stated, more for myself than for them. “He knows me. He’s funny. We get along.” But at the same time, I got along with Logan just fine. He was talented and sweet, and he really cared about me. “Aaron,” I said again to reassure myself that his name felt like the right one on my tongue. “I don’t know why Logan thinks a song is going to change my mind. And you can tell him that.”

  And then I stormed out of the bathroom. I didn’t know where else to go, so I headed to my locker. We weren’t really supposed to be out of the cafeteria during lunch period, but the bell would ring shortly, so I didn’t think anyone would notice. When I reached my locker, I opened it and fell to my knees. For a moment, I just stared ahead. Then I pulled Aaron’s necklace away from my chest to examine it.

  Aaron. I chose Aaron. Here’s the proof.

  I let the necklace go so that it swung freely from my neck. The weight felt good, felt right, like it was the only thing I needed to remind me of where I belonged. So why did it feel like something was missing from my wrist?

  ***

  Aaron picked me up on the way to the homecoming game that night. “Ready to cheer really hard for me?”

  “Well, you need a reason to play well,” I joked, repeating the words he’d said earlier.

  He glanced at me for a split second like he didn’t know what I was talking about, and then he relaxed. “It helps.”

  We reached the field, but he didn’t get out of the car right away. Instead, he leaned over toward me. It took me a second to realize I had pulled away from his kiss. As soon as I noticed, I consciously closed the distance between us. He left a light kiss on my lips, but for some reason, it didn’t seem as warm as usual.