After the War

by Jessica Scott

  “That’s Sergeant Bandeet. She’s the HIC.”

  “Don’t you mean Bandit?” Sean narrowed his eyes. “HIC?”

  “Ban-deet. She’s French. And she’s the hamster in charge,” Anna said. “She’s in charge of the rodent airborne division.”

  Sean laughed out loud. “Are you sure you’re only five?”

  She scowled at him. “You don’t like my drawing?”

  “I love it,” he said quickly. “I just never thought of hamsters doing airborne operations. What are they doing them for?”

  “Because the rats are trying to steal all the strawberries.” As though that was the most obvious answer in the world.

  “Ah. Makes sense.” Sean wondered if she was always this creative and funny. Jack had been a hell of a smart ass. He’d hidden a blow-up sheep in his cot once when the commander had been inspecting their areas out in the field. The commander had not been amused.

  Anna turned back to the board and drew a few more hamsters. With parachutes for good measure. Right across his checklist for the range.

  And watching the intense fascination on her face as she drew, he realized he didn’t care.

  She paused, holding the tip of her marker to her mouth, deep in thought. He barely avoided laughing. She looked so much like her mother, it was scary. Right down to the hands on her hips stance that Sean remembered all too well.

  “Do you like it?”

  “It is fantastic,” he said honestly. Because while he had no basis of comparison to judge a five-year-old’s art, he loved the story idea about the hamsters protecting the strawberries from the rats.

  “Where do you get your ideas?”

  “My daddy tells me,” she said, looking over her shoulder at him.

  Sean went very still. “Oh yeah?”

  “Sometimes I dream that he’s telling me stories. Like normal kids at bedtime.” She turned back to the board. “I don’t have a daddy, you know. He died in Iraq.”

  Sean’s throat closed off. She said it so matter-of-factly. In some rational part of his brain, he realized that he shouldn’t have expected her to have an emotional attachment to a man who died before she was born. At least, he assumed Jack had died before Anna had been born.

  Her response wasn’t unusual. He’d gone to one of the local schools once on Veterans Day to talk to a class of kindergarteners. A little boy had told him the same thing and in the same matter-of-fact tone.

  Still, it was unsettling to hear her say it with so little emotion. It hurt his heart that Jack’s kid would never know what a great guy Jack had been.

  All these kids growing up without their fathers or mothers. On both sides of the war. No one ever talked about the Iraqi kids growing up without their fathers or their uncles or their mothers. So many kids just like Anna because of actions by men like Sean. What a fucking waste for a stupid war that no one had wanted in the first place.

  Sean cleared his throat roughly. “I know. I knew your daddy,” he said gently.

  Her eyes widened and her little mouth formed a small O. “You did?”

  Sean nodded. “He was funny. He used to tell jokes to make us laugh.”

  He was pretty sure that a five year old wouldn’t appreciate the kind of jokes that her daddy used to tell. Maybe someday, but definitely not today. “Do you think he’d like my hamster story?” There it was. The want of a little girl for her father.

  It broke something inside him.

  Sean had to swallow several times before he could speak. “I think he’d love it.”

  When he was certain he had his emotions dialed in, he motioned to the board. “So tell me more about these airborne hamsters. Why do the rats want the strawberries?”

  “Because they’re dirty, stinking rats,” Anna said. She pointed to the board and a few black blobs with long tails and whiskers written over the due dates for the next evaluation reports Sean had been keeping track of. “This is King Simmi. He loves strawberries so much that he doesn’t want anyone else to ever have any.”

  “He’s an evil rat king?”

  Anna nodded. “And Captain Meow and Sergeant Bandeet are planning a raid to get the strawberries back in time for the Strawberry Festival.”

  Sean watched and listened intently as she continued to draw. This kid had one creative brain; that was for sure. Her story unfolded with more and more drawings. At one point, she stood on top of the couch, drawing over the phone number for the battalion lawyer’s office.

  He hoped Morgan had that written down somewhere.

  Nothing on that board was irreplaceable. Or at least, nothing had been until that evening. Now he found himself wishing that he’d gotten her to draw this on paper. It was something Sarah would want to keep.

  He would. If she were his.

  But she wasn’t. And neither was her mother.

  But that didn’t stop the want, beating inside his chest for the life that could have been.

  * * *

  “Sir, you wanted to see me?” She’d held off on knocking on the door until Sean and Anna had disappeared around the corner. She felt strange, letting her daughter leave with him. She knew him. Or at least she was starting to know the man he’d become. And as much as she hated being pulled between her roles as mom and soldier, the worst thing that could have happened right then would have been Anna having a tantrum in the command group offices.

  She didn’t work for Gilliad, that was true; but damn it, she was a female officer. And it might be unfair, but when she fucked up, she ruined it for all the other female officers out there. She hated that was even remotely in her brain space, but there it was. The harsh truth of trying to be both mom and captain.

  So while it went against her instincts to ask for help, she was grateful that Anna had gone willingly with Sean. It would enable her to focus on LTC Gilliad, answer his questions quickly, and then get her daughter home and tucked into bed, hopefully before midnight.

  Gilliad motioned for her to enter his office, and she stopped a few feet from his desk, awkward and uncomfortable and distracted while he finished an e-mail.

  Finally he turned his attention toward her, and she instantly wished he hadn’t. “Talk to me about your investigation, Captain Anders.”

  His voice was thin and rough.

  “Sir, do you have specific questions?”

  “I do. I want to know what is the basis for your recommendation when clearly there are other issues in this case that you failed to address.”

  All righty then.

  “Sir, I was tasked to investigate the circumstances surrounding the fight. I identified those and made my recommendations.”

  He studied her silently. She tried not to squirm beneath his gaze. “You write a recommendation for a lieutenant to receive a letter of reprimand for adultery? Is that standard practice in your battalion?”

  It was probably a bad idea to point out that she’d been in the unit a little over a week so she had no idea what the standard practice was in her unit. “Sir, I sought legal review. There is little more I can recommend given the evidence in the case.”

  “And therein lies the problem. You need to interview Sergeant Kearney’s wife. Get proof that this…allegation happened. I can’t accept these findings. This investigation is incomplete.”

  Sarah pressed her lips together in a flat line but wisely kept her mouth shut. “Roger, sir.”

  She stomped on her frustration—barely avoiding actual stomping—as she walked out of the battalion headquarters and to the adjacent building where Sean’s company headquarters was located.

  The light from his office was on while the rest of the ops lights were out. She rounded the corner and was surprised to find him standing in his office alone. Her heart skipped a beat.

  “She’s in the bathroom,” he said quickly. Her reaction must have been written all over her face.

  Sarah glanced at the board and the elaborate scene sketched out across all his notes. “Wow.”

  “She said Jack gives her the story
ideas,” Sean said quietly.

  Sarah swallowed hard. “She mentioned that to me, too.”

  “Does that worry you?”

  “Not really. Little kids are closer to the veil between the worlds, you know? They’re more in touch with the spiritual side of life.”

  Sean tipped his head, studying her quietly. “You never struck me as particularly religious, Sar.”

  She shrugged. “It’s hard to be religious when you’re angry with God.” In that instance, she deliberately avoided looking at him. She wasn’t sure of much but she was pretty damn positive that if she looked at him, if he touched her, her world might shatter into a thousand tiny pieces.

  “I wish I didn’t understand that,” he said. He shifted, stuffing his hands into his pockets.

  “Other than destroying your notes, was she okay?”

  “She was fine. Cute kid. Bossy as hell,” Sean said. “I wonder where she gets it.”

  “We call it leadership traits now,” she said with a smile. “Not bossiness.”

  Finally, she dared to look over at him. He was watching her, his dark blue eyes intense and filled with a warmth she’d never expected to see from him again. “Thank you for watching her tonight,” she said.

  “My pleasure.” He paused. “She’s a lot of fun.”

  “She is.” She hesitated, watching him, unable to look away from the man he’d become. “You never had any kids?” she asked finally.

  Sean shrugged and avoided her eyes. “Never really settled down. Tried once, but you know, the war and everything.” He lifted his gaze to hers. “She didn’t want to be married to a soldier.”

  “How’s that for irony,” Sarah said gently.

  “You have no idea.”

  Silence hung on again, stretching between them.

  “How’re the knees?” he asked.

  “Sore. My pride is worse, though.”

  “Did you talk to the XO yet about the PT test?”

  She shook her head. “Didn’t have time today. And now that you mention it, I’m actually shocked she didn’t pull me into her office and rake me over the coals about it.” Sarah leaned out of the office and glanced toward the bathroom door. “How long has she been in there?”

  “Just a few minutes. I didn’t actually have a good baseline for what normal times in the bathroom look like for little kids, and I figured it was best for me not to check. Didn’t know how scandalized she’d be.”

  Sarah smiled, and a little piece of her heart warmed toward him. “Thank you for watching her.”

  “Glad to help.” His voice changed. Was a little bit rougher, rough enough that she noticed.

  “What?” A single word, laced with caution.

  “I can’t tell you it doesn’t hurt that you married someone else.” He watched her intently, his dark blue eyes filled with inscrutable emotions. “But I— I’m glad you found someone, Sar.”

  She rubbed her hands over her upper arms. A chill slithered over her skin. “Jack never pressured me for kids. Or a family,” she whispered, not really sure why she was telling him this.

  “I wanted both of those things. With you.”

  “You knew my past. The shit with my stepfather. I didn’t want to bring a child into this world. I didn’t want to give up being a soldier just to be your wife. I’m sorry we couldn’t make things work, but I’m not sorry I had Jack.”

  “I was wrong.” He stepped closer. “Wrong to ask you to give that up.”

  She glanced over her shoulder toward the bathroom. “I found out I was pregnant after he died.”

  “Christ, Sar.”

  She looked away, blinking hard. “I have her. She’s my connection to him forever and always.”

  She felt, rather than heard, him move, and then he was there, in her space. His fingers were gentle against her cheek, urging her to look at him. “There’s no shame in still loving him,” Sean whispered. “He was a lucky man.”

  “Sean—”

  “I know you’re not ready to move on.” He cupped her cheek, his palm warm and rough. “And I won’t pressure you. I made that mistake once before.” His throat moved as he swallowed, hard. “Just know that…I never stopped caring about you. And if…if you ever reach a place where you’d like to try maybe going to lunch or anything…”

  She placed her palm on his chest. Felt his heart beating through the US Army tag on his uniform. There was a warmth circling around her, a warmth she’d never expected to feel for another man ever again. A warmth that snuck beneath her skin and wrapped around her heart and made her want things she’d forgotten how to want.

  “It’s complicated,” she finally whispered.

  “It always is.”

  Thirteen

  In the end, he hadn’t been able to resist touching her. Sarah compelled him like no one else ever had. He dragged his hand over his face and sank into his couch. Wednesday night and please God, no phone calls. He’d like just one night not to involve the MPs or the local police station.

  He closed his eyes.

  And felt Sarah. So still as he’d touched her. She was so beautiful. So fierce. And so goddamned fragile. She’d stood her ground when he’d moved into her space. She’d felt so good. He shifted as his body tightened at the memory.

  He opened his eyes and glanced at the clock. What was she doing right now? He rested one arm across his stomach. Was she thinking about him?

  Or was she upset?

  He wanted her back, and he had no idea how to get her. If what she said was true, if in her heart of hearts she still thought of herself as married to Anders, then what was he supposed to do?

  It was somehow worse that she’d been married to his friend. There were few greater sins than moving in on a dead buddy’s widow, but Sarah had been his long before she’d been with Jack. And what was he, twelve? She was an adult, more than capable of making her own decisions.

  He’d screwed up with her. Screamed at her that being a soldier was fucking stupid for a girl. Why couldn’t she just be like other women and be his wife?

  Shame burned over his skin again at what a childish prick he’d been. He’d crossed the line that night. He’d known it when he’d stormed out of their apartment. Known it the minute he’d woken up in the jail and it had been Claire who had bailed him out, not Sarah.

  Sarah had just been gone. Out of his life.

  Looking back now, he deserved her leaving. God, but he’d been such an immovable ass. Wanting her to get out of the Army, give up the life she’d worked so hard for.

  He’d thrown himself into work after she’d left. He’d devoted himself to the Army, to the life of an infantryman. He’d trained tirelessly and given up on the idea of the family beyond the men he served with. So there had been no one, not like what he’d had with Sarah.

  No one had made his pulse beat faster, his blood burn like it had tonight when Sarah hadn’t pulled away from his touch, hadn’t said no. Was she possibly willing to give him another chance? Maybe not a life together, but maybe something more than the memories that they had.

  His cell phone vibrated on the counter.

  And his heart sank because he knew, just knew that it was going to be work and he prayed that it wasn’t Kearney.

  * * *

  It was a mistake calling him.

  She knew it and yet when he answered, she didn’t hang up. Sleep, apparently, surrendered the field to latent desire and confusion. Everything circled around to Sean. She’d start thinking about the case, but ended up standing in his office, Sean’s scent wrapping around her, urging her close, his lips brushing against hers.

  That first aching taste.

  Something inside her wanted to hear his voice. She couldn’t answer the question of why.

  “Captain Nichols.”

  She smiled warmly as his voice caressed the skin of her ear. “Do you always answer your personal phone with your rank or is this a government phone?”

  There was a rustle of fabric in the background. “You don’t know
how glad I am that you’re not my first sergeant.”

  Settling into her bed, she curled up around her pillow. “Why?”

  “Because if it had been Morgan, more than likely I’d be on my way back on post to bail someone, probably Kearney, out of jail.”

  “How many times has he been arrested?”

  His sigh echoed across the line. “A bunch. He’s had some real problems since…our first tour.”

  Sarah’s heart caught. “You served with him before?”

  A muffled curse. “Yeah. There’s a bunch of us from my first tour here. Garrison, Kearney, Haverson. One of the company commanders, Bello, who is my least favorite person in this unit after Lieutenant Smith.”

  “Why don’t you like him?”

  “There’s a lot of baggage there. Let’s just say we’ve got opposite ideas of what it means to be an officer and leave it at that.”

  She smiled. “Sounds like you two aren’t going to be sharing bedtime stories over a beer.”

  “Not in this lifetime.” He sounded so disgruntled, she had to laugh.

  Something warm filled her heart as she realized so many of Sean’s current soldiers had been downrange with him before. It spoke to his loyalty to his men. Not all commanders could say that.

  She’d pulled away from everyone and everything after she’d lost Jack. She hadn’t wanted to be contacted by the Family Readiness Group. She’d tried to forget that she’d ever been part of the Cav family, even if she’d only been there as Jack’s spouse.

  “Sarah? Are you still there?”

  She rolled onto her back and brushed her hair from her face. “Yeah.”

  “What are you thinking about?” His voice was low and smooth. The knot around her heart eased back. Just a little. But it was enough.

  “Jack,” she admitted and felt her face go hot. “I was thinking about how I pulled away from everyone after he died. I never took any phone calls from anyone. Not his commander, not his friends. I couldn’t function.”

  So much hurt in those words. So much truth.

  “I don’t know what to say,” he admitted finally.