Welcome to My World

by Miranda Dickinson

  Looking around, Harri was suddenly aware that Rob was no longer sitting by her side. She glanced over at the bar, but he wasn’t there either; neither was he outside in the car park with his friends, sneaking a crafty cigarette. Harri was just about to hurry back inside when Rob appeared, strolling through the snow from behind the hall. He was hunched over his mobile, jacket collar turned up against the cold as he walked, and he stopped dead when he saw her.

  ‘Hey,’ he said, his voice slightly strained.

  ‘I was wondering where you were. Is everything OK?’ Harri asked, a sudden shot of caution lancing through her peace of mind.

  It was almost as if he looked straight through her. ‘I’m fine. Look, do you mind if we go now? I don’t really feel like dancing and it’s been a bit of a tough week.’

  Mystified, Harri nodded. ‘Um, yeah, OK. Let me get my coat and say goodbye to Geoff and Ethel.’

  Rob turned to walk away. ‘I’ll be in the car.’

  Her relaxed state shattered, she hurried quickly inside, collecting her coat and bag before approaching the Binchams, who were swaying jerkily to ‘In the Mood’.

  ‘Must you go?’ Mrs B asked as she hugged her, disappointed. ‘I’ve not seen you dance yet.’

  ‘I’m sorry. I don’t think Rob’s feeling too good – he’s been working really hard lately.’ Picking her way carefully past the dancing guests, she headed for the door, but turned back when she heard someone call her name.

  Alex jogged towards her. ‘You off?’

  ‘’Fraid so. Rob wants to go home.’

  ‘Loser. Why don’t you drop him off and come back to boogie?’ His dark eyes twinkled beneath the fairy lights.

  ‘I can’t, sorry. But it’s been a wonderful day.’

  ‘It has.’ Alex’s stare was a little too intense for comfort. ‘Thanks for your help, H. I couldn’t have done it without you.’

  ‘You’re welcome. Have a good night.’

  ‘I will. Hey, I’m doing food for the Christmas Amble on Tuesday night. Fancy sous chef-ing again for me?’

  ‘Sure, as long as I’ve done all my packing – we head off for Scotland on Wednesday morning.’

  ‘Ah, yes. The great unexpected romantic break. Well, text me if you’re able to help, yeah?’

  ‘I will. G’night.’

  He leaned forward and kissed her cheek. ‘’Night, Harri.’ Rob was silent for the entire journey back to his house, which only served to intensify Harri’s sense of impending doom. When they walked into his hallway, he stopped and slowly faced her.

  ‘You – er – might not want to stay tonight.’

  ‘Don’t be silly, I’ve got all my stuff with me and—’

  ‘I can’t do the Scotland trip.’

  ‘S-sorry?’

  It appeared that he couldn’t bring himself to look her in the eye, shoving his hands into his corduroy jacket pockets and staring down at the beige carpet. ‘Something’s come up.’

  Heart reeling, Harri placed her hands on her hips, staring at him in disbelief. ‘What on earth could have come up over Christmas?’

  ‘I’m really sorry, I know how much you were looking forward to it and it’s the last thing I wanted to happen. But this is important, Red.’

  This was not turning into the night she thought it would be. ‘I should flippin’ well hope so. I’d hate to be let down over something trivial.’

  ‘See, I knew you’d act like this.’

  It was too late for damage limitation. Harri’s crushing disappointment and hurt were fuelling her anger. ‘Act like what, exactly? Like someone who’s been looking forward to something for weeks and has just been told it isn’t happening? How long have you known about this – this thing?’

  ‘Baby, I got the call only half an hour ago.’

  ‘Who from?’

  He groaned. ‘It doesn’t matter.’

  ‘Well, I think it does. I’m curious to know who is so important that they can command you to do something over Christmas.’

  ‘It’s work, OK?’

  Hearing the ‘w’ word kicked her indignation up to another level entirely. ‘It’s Christmas, Rob. And you promised.’

  At last, his eyes met hers and it was clear from his guilty stare that he knew exactly how much he was letting her down. ‘Please, Red, you have to believe me. If it was any other job I’d tell them to get lost.’

  Harri closed her eyes, her whole body shaking intensely now. ‘Preston.’

  His voice lowered. ‘Yes, Preston. I thought we had it in the bag but there’s been – um – a development.’

  ‘What? Someone die? World War Three been declared?’

  ‘My line manager’s resigned. The bosses have cancelled everyone’s leave for the next two weeks. I either work or I don’t have a job to come back to in the New Year.’

  Harri felt the flames of anger extinguishing slowly. ‘They can’t do that, can they?’

  Rob shrugged. ‘They can do whatever they like at the moment. Sales staff are ten a penny right now and everyone’s competing for the same jobs. If I don’t do this, there will be twenty other people willing to step into my place. You have to believe me, I was vicious with them when they phoned. If there was any way to avoid it, I would. My hands are tied – what can I do?’

  ‘Well, it’s not fair.’

  He reached out and placed his hand on her shoulder. ‘I know, baby. I’ll make it up to you, I promise.’

  Feeling her dream splintering, Harri looked away. When she spoke, her voice was the mousy, resigned version of herself that she hated so much. ‘When do you have to go?’

  He sighed. ‘I’ll catch a train in the morning and head straight up there.’

  ‘But what about your Christmas present?’

  ‘We’ll have to do all that when I get back.’

  She couldn’t believe how quickly her time with Rob had been snatched away. The injustice of it all was too much to bear; it was as if all the promise of the past couple of months was being cruelly snuffed out. ‘In two weeks?’

  ‘Yes. I’m sorry, Red. I know how much this break meant to you.’

  ‘To both of us,’ the confident version of herself screamed out inside her head. ‘Didn’t it?’

  For Harri, the remainder of the weekend passed in a soulless fog, the brave ship of hope that had sustained her now dashed and wrecked beyond repair. Rob’s texts were apologetic but immaterial: the inescapable reality of his absence spoke volumes. So, once again, as countless times before, Harri carefully folded up her disappointment and packed it away with the remnants of dreams long dead.

  On Tuesday, SLIT closed early to allow Tom, Nus, Harri and George time to get ready for one of the highlights of the town’s calendar: the Christmas Amble.

  Every year in Stone Yardley, the shops and businesses joined with the local Lions Club, Rotary Club and WI to host a late-night Christmas shopping event. This year’s was Dickens-themed, and the locals had gone to town with authentic costumes, preposterous ladies’ hats and bustling crinolines. Hot-chestnut stalls, Victorian games like shove ha’penny and bar skittles, a barrel organ and carol singers lined the streets as shoppers milled around, buying last-minute presents, cakes and treats for the impending festive season. Strings of coloured lights lit up the streets and candle lanterns burned in every shop window, bathing the whole of the High Street in a warm, multihued glow. Lavender’s Bakery had even hired a snow machine, which enthusiastically festooned unsuspecting shoppers with white foam flakes from the flat above the shop as they passed by underneath. The Salvation Army band were playing Christmas carols with great gusto and, with the remnants of the previous week’s snowfall still covering the pavements, the whole of the town centre was filled with a wonderfully Christmassy atmosphere.

  Wātea was providing hot chocolate and slices of toasted fruit loaf with lashings of butter for the chilly shoppers’ pleasure, with proceeds going to the local children’s hospice. Alex was dressed in a long, dark grey tailcoat, a red muffler kno
tted at his neck, with a grey striped waistcoat and white shirt beneath. To complete the look, a brushed satin top hat was perched on his head, at a typically Alex-like jaunty angle. The sight of him made Harri smile – after all the darkness of the last couple of days it was wonderful to see a friendly face.

  ‘Mistress Langton! How delightful to see you this festive night of nights!’

  Harri managed to salvage a smile and wrapped Auntie Rosemary’s borrowed crochet shawl tighter around her body.

  ‘Show us the frock then,’ Alex grinned.

  Obediently, Harri did a little twirl, thanking heaven that Tom’s sister was the wardrobe mistress for a semi-professional opera society and had brought in a selection of Victorian gowns that afternoon for her to try on. The periwinkle-blue dress complemented her eyes, while the cream shawl set off her red curls piled up and pinned at the back of her head. ‘Will I do?’

  ‘Absolutely. You look great, H. No, I mean it. The colour of that dress looks amazing with your hair . . .’ He paused, a self-conscious smile lingering on his lips.

  ‘Thanks,’ Harri laughed awkwardly, and the moment was gone.

  ‘Right – um – you take over buttering duties from me while I go and refill the chocolate pot, OK?’

  She watched as he disappeared inside Wātea, a little unnerved by his unexpected reaction. Quickly dismissing it, she picked up the butter knife and began to work.

  This year’s Christmas Amble was one of the best attended, due in no small part to a concerted effort by shopkeepers and volunteers alike to spread the word. It even had its own Facebook page, set up by one of the High School pupils as part of a media studies project, and a group of students were shooting video footage to upload onto YouTube. The fusion of Dickensian nostalgia and twenty-first-century social media was a strangely amusing one and, despite her bruised heart, Harri had to smile.

  Alex returned with a large vacuum flask of hot chocolate and together they set about serving the fast-growing queue. For the best part of two hours their activity barred any op portunity for conversation, except for the odd observation or fleeting joke. As the crowds began to thin and stalls closed, Alex nudged Harri.

  ‘So – lookin’ forward to a wee bit o’ lovin’ in the Highlands tomorrow, eh?’

  Entirely without warning, Harri burst into tears. Shocked, Alex grabbed the cash box and ushered her inside the warmth of Wātea.

  ‘Hey, hey, what’s the matter?’

  Surprised by the suddenness of her emotion, Harri was unable to speak, racked as she was by violent sobs. Alex, thrown from his comfort zone by the sight of his distraught friend, watched helplessly, stroking her arm with hesitant fingers. So there they stood, the buzz of the ultraviolet bug catcher the only intervening sound for several uncomfortable minutes. When her tears subsided, Harri wiped her eyes and blew out a long breath. ‘Wow, I’m sorry. Don’t ask me where that came from.’

  ‘It must’ve come from somewhere,’ Alex said carefully, his voice low and serious.

  She could dismiss it, play it down or laugh it off – but, really, what was the point? Alex would find out sooner or later. So why hide it? Harri sighed. ‘Rob cancelled our trip to Scotland.’

  ‘He did what? When?’

  ‘Saturday night. That’s why we left early: his boss called him to say his Christmas leave had been postponed because the contract he’s been working on had hit problems.’

  It was clear what Alex made of this. ‘And you believed him?’

  ‘I had no reason not to. But that doesn’t mean I’ve forgiven him. He let me down – again – just when I thought things were reaching an even keel.’ Her eyes moved away from his, towards the illuminated street outside. ‘If it’s work then I guess I can’t be mad at him . . . But the thing is, I’m getting tired of this constant lurching between famine and feast with him. One minute he’s talking about growing old together and the next he’s dropping me like a hot stone for some stupid work thing that’s taken over his life.’ She looked back at Alex’s in determinable expression – was it pity she saw? Shock? Indifference? ‘I’d just like to be his priority for once, you know?’

  ‘Mate, I’m sorry. You must feel terrible.’

  ‘I’m fine.’

  ‘No you’re not. How long have I known you, eh? I’ve never heard you speak like that about Rob. You’re always defending him.’

  ‘Well, I don’t feel like doing that tonight. He doesn’t deserve it.’

  Alex clapped his hands. ‘That’s it! That’s the real you coming out at last!’

  ‘I’ve always been me.’

  ‘Not when it comes to matters of Rob you haven’t.’

  Harri rested against a table. ‘You’re right. I’m not going to let him do this to me. All day I’ve been going over and over it in my mind and I just keep coming back to the same con clusion: maybe this relationship just isn’t ever going to be what I hope it will.’

  ‘You deserve more.’

  ‘Yeah, I know.’ She ran her hand along the periwinkle satin folds of her dress. ‘I think I should probably go, if you don’t mind. It’s late and I’m really not very good company.’

  ‘You’re always good company,’ Alex said warmly. ‘You sure I can’t tempt you to stay?’

  Afraid that it might induce another bout of tears, Harri shook her head. ‘Thanks, but I think I just need to go home.’

  ‘Wait – let me drive you.’

  Walking slowly to the door, Harri pulled it open and looked back at his tall Victorian-clothed figure, cast into shadow by the light behind the counter, like a period drama hero. ‘I’ll be fine. Sorry to subject you to all that.’

  His smile was full of compassion as he saluted her with a little bow. ‘All part of the service. Take care, you.’

  Stepping out into the almost empty street, Harri filled her lungs with crisp December air and looked up at the inky black sky. A single star flickered brightly directly overhead, as if keeping watch.

  ‘Thank you, Mum,’ she whispered.

  Walking slowly past weary shopkeepers dismantling their stalls and unwinding Christmas lights, Harri headed home, conflicting thoughts swirling endlessly like wild whirling dervishes, around and around in her mind.

  With Rob gone, Auntie Rosemary safely on a train bound for Newcastle to spend Christmas with Grandma Dillon and everybody else busy with their own plans for the festive season, Harri was left with the task of sorting out her own Christmas. This was virgin territory for her: up until now, Harri had gone to Auntie Rosemary’s on Christmas Day and to Rob’s mum, Clarice’s, home on Boxing Day. When Rosemary realised that Harri would be on her own she wanted to cancel her trip, but Harri was adamant that she should go as planned. Rob may have ruined Christmas for her, but there was no way he was going to spoil it for her aunt and grandmother as well.

  Viv and Merv were going on a cruise around the Caribbean, much to Viv’s chagrin: ‘Three weeks stuck on a floating hotel with people we can’t get away from isn’t my idea of a relaxing holiday, Mervyn!’ – and Alex was spending Christmas Day with Chelsea before driving down to Somerset to stay a few days with Sandie and Brendan. Although the thought of organ-ising Christmas for herself wasn’t exactly appealing, Harri decided firmly to make an effort.

  The day before Christmas Eve, she drove into Stone Yardley to buy food and drop off Alex’s present. Parking in the Co-op’s packed car park, she was just walking towards the store entrance when she saw someone waving at her beside a battered-looking Land Rover.

  ‘Hi, Harri! Merry Christmas!’

  ‘Nice to see you, Emily. I’m glad I’m not the only person crazy enough to attempt the supermarket today.’

  There was a bark from inside the Land Rover and Fly bounded up at the passenger window, licking it enthusiastically. Harri placed her hand against the cold glass. ‘Hello, Fly.’

  ‘I swear that dog gets more excited than a kid about Christmas,’ Emily laughed.

  ‘My cat will just be amazed that he gets me all to h
imself for two weeks.’

  Emily frowned. ‘But I thought you and Rob were—’

  ‘He’s had to work over Christmas,’ Harri said quickly, not wanting to have a post mortem on her situation in the middle of the shoppers’ car park, ‘so I’m having a quiet one.’

  ‘Don’t do that, honey – come to us for Christmas.’

  Taken aback, Harri held up her hands. ‘No – no, you don’t have to do that, Em. I’ll be perfectly OK: I have Nigella and Delia to guide me through the rigours of Christmas dinner.’

  Emily was having none of it. ‘Nonsense. I insist! Stu went a bit OTT on the catering side, so we have enough food to feed all of Stone Yardley and half of Ellingsgate combined. Trust me, you’d be doing me a favour, helping to demolish my hubby’s man-made grub mountain.’

  Her suggestion brought a much-needed boost to Harri’s heart and she found herself agreeing. ‘Well, when you put it like that, how can I refuse?’

  Christmas Day morning was icy and bright, a sharp frost the night before adorning every tree branch and gate post with an exquisite layer of white crystals. Donning her thick wool coat, long scarf and striped beanie hat, Harri made sure Ron Howard was fed and left him curled happily in the middle of a faux fur throw on the sofa. She went to pick up her mobile phone from the coffee table, but then thought better of it. Since the night of the Christmas Amble, Harri had become less willing to respond to Rob’s messages and now at least five of them lay unopened in her phone inbox. Being bombarded by increasingly grovelling texts was the last thing she needed today. Collecting the bag of presents for her hosts, she stepped out into the still air and walked to her car. With Elbow’s ‘One Day Like This’ playing on her stereo, she drove through the quiet roads under clotted cream skies.