by Gail Sattler
Chad squeezed his eyes shut. Could this get any worse?
Brian poked him in the ribs. “Stand straight. Here comes Rebecca.” Brian’s voice lowered. “And she is bringing Anna with her.”
Rebecca gave Brian a quick smile of greeting as the ladies joined them, and then she approached Chad, rested one hand on his forearm, and looked up at him, directly into his eyes.
Chad forced himself to smile. He wondered if this was the Mennonite equivalent of a woman batting her eyelashes.
Rebecca smiled. “I saw you the other day riding past my house on your bicycle. I wanted to ask if your chickens were okay.”
He paused, trying to think of why she might think there had been anything wrong with them. “They’re fine. Why do you ask?”
Rebecca’s head tilted. “Because you had your chickens in the basket on your bicycle. It looked like you were taking them to Zebediah’s house and you were lost.”
His brows knotted. “Whose house?”
“Zebediah’s. The veterinarian. I thought there was something wrong with your chickens. It looked like you were going to his house. But Anna told me that you were probably only going to get their wings clipped.”
He opened his mouth but snapped it shut before he spoke too fast, without thinking out his words first. He’d taken Waddles and Blinkie for a ride because he thought it would be fun for them, since they couldn’t fly. He’d thought they would enjoy the motion of the bike. As it turned out, Blinkie enjoyed riding on the handlebars, but Waddles preferred to stay in the basket. The purpose of the trip had been to ask Brian a question, since Brian wasn’t answering his phone. Then Brian had ended up going back to the house with him to help with the remote control door opener he’d installed on the chicken coop.
“Uh . . . no . . . I . . . Wings clipped? You mean like a parrot? I heard that you’re supposed to clip a parrot’s wings. I didn’t know you were supposed to clip a chicken’s wings.”
Rebecca moved closer. “I can show you how to do it. Then you will not have to pay for a veterinarian’s bill.”
Anna sighed and glared at her friend. “I can show him. The chickens are right next door to me.”
Rebecca turned to Anna. “But I have asked him, and you did not.”
Anna turned directly to face Rebecca. “I gave him the chickens, so I am the one who should help him raise them.”
Rebecca’s eyes narrowed. “I am the one who saw him riding down the street with the chickens. If I had not called you, you would never have known.”
If he wasn’t mistaken, Rebecca had just called first dibs. Except he wasn’t a prize to be claimed. Chad raised one finger in the air. “But I . . .”
Rebecca stepped closer to Anna. “You think you are so good because you have a job and are using a computer, but that does not mean you are better at everything.”
Anna’s mouth dropped open. “Waut sajst dü?”
Rebecca’s face turned beet red. She clenched her jaw, turned, and ran off, joining the group of ladies by the coffee urn.
Anna planted her fists on her hips, blew out a breath of air, and then looked over her shoulder at Chad. Her eyes narrowed. “Dit est dientschult. This is your fault. See what you have done?” she snapped, then stomped to the group of ladies, following Rebecca.
Brian’s eyes widened and his mouth dropped open. “What has just happened?”
“My friend, you just witnessed a catfight.” Somehow, he’d found himself right in the middle, as the cause of it. He sighed. “And now I’ve got to go fix it.”
First, he approached Rebecca, because he figured she’d be the easiest. Or rather, if he had to be honest with himself, because he didn’t have as much to lose if he didn’t handle it right.
As soon as he appeared beside Rebecca, the rest of the group excused themselves without words and filtered away.
“I’m sorry, Rebecca,” he said softly. “I actually hadn’t been on my way to the vet, but I do appreciate your offer. I have no plans to clip their wings. I did a little research on Rhode Island Reds and found out that they’re a heavier chicken and don’t really fly. I’m not worried about losing them, so I want to leave them in their natural state.”
She looked up at him. “Then why did you have them with you? Where were you going with them?”
“I went to Brian’s garage and back, that’s all. I just thought I would take them with me.” He knew that dogs liked the wind in their faces and stuck their heads out the window when riding in a car, so he thought a chicken, because it was a bird, would enjoy the feel of the movement from the bicycle, since they didn’t really fly. He hadn’t been worried about them hopping off the bike. After all, he wasn’t going very fast, and most important, it wasn’t like there were any cars on the road that would hit them if they decided to jump.
“I understand. But if you need any help with your chickens, you can ask me. I have had many chickens, and I would enjoy helping you with them.”
He smiled. “I know you would, but I’m doing just fine. They’re really easy to look after. Thank you for your offer. Now I’ve got to go talk to Anna.”
Rebecca nodded, then lowered her gaze to stare at the ground. He wasn’t sure if it was good or bad, but she seemed calm, so he chose to take it as good.
He left before that changed, going in search of Anna.
As he passed all the small groups of people talking, many people—some whom he knew, some not—asked if he was feeling better without being specific, for which he was grateful. It was going to be a long time before he lived this one down. He chatted for a short time with every group. After all, he really hadn’t come to see the chicken plucker; he’d come to meet more people in a setting other than work- or church-related activities. When he passed by the last circle of people gathered, he turned around and checked to make sure he hadn’t missed one. In the groups he’d stopped to chat with, he hadn’t found Anna.
He didn’t think she would be so angry she would leave without him, but just in case, he continued behind the house to check the bikes, to make sure her bike was still there. As he rounded the corner, a spot of pink sticking out from behind a large tree caught his eye.
He smiled. Anna had worn a pretty pink blouse today. Considering the plain and shapeless clothes the women here wore, by comparison he’d found it pretty and feminine, and he really liked it on her.
As he looked at her from the back, knowing she didn’t see him, he contemplated the whole picture that was Anna. As a statement to her beliefs and her upbringing, just like the rest of the ladies present, she wore her stark white prayer cap, emphasizing her pure, sweet nature, and her firm conviction to her beliefs, yet showing she still functioned with the rest of the world. She was moving forward with the times, at least as much as one could do in Piney Meadows; she wore a store-bought pink blouse. While it was somewhat plain and not particularly eye-catching for anyone anywhere else, it was pretty in its modesty and was actually quite vivid compared to the usual bland and neutral colors the majority of the women wore.
And, unlike the older ladies, who wore loose, modest, mid-calf or ankle-length skirts for comfort on their bikes, Anna wore jeans, which truly heightened the difference between Anna and the rest of the women. They allowed her the freedom and dexterity to keep up with him on the bicycle today. And she had kept up, at least for speed. She hadn’t done any tricks or fancy balancing on her bike, but he could see that the acceleration and speed she’d achieved had given her quite a thrill as they passed everyone else, doing at least triple their speed. He’d nearly hooted with excitement as Anna—smiling ear to ear, not bound by conformity or tradition, complete with her pink blouse and jeans—shot past all the other ladies on her purple bike with a matching helmet.
But for now, for this moment, none of that rebel spirit showed. Instead, judging from her posture and location, she looked like she wanted to be left alone.
He knew he would be intruding, but being in a place near enough to a crowd to be acceptable, yet far enoug
h away to be private was exactly what he needed. Since she would never go into his house without another adult present, he never really had a chance to talk to her in private unless he wanted to compete for space with the local bears.
Fortunately, walking in the grass, his steps were silent as he approached her. Judging from the way she flinched when he stepped in front of her, she hadn’t expected him to come looking.
She quickly lowered her head and stared at the ground.
He didn’t know why she had sneaked away from the crowd, but at least she didn’t seem angry. He didn’t really know what to do, but he could deal with anything other than anger.
Chad stepped closer, reached forward, and brushed his fingers against her cheek. “I’ve been looking for you,” he muttered softly. “I want you to know that any time I need help with Waddles and Blinkie, I’ll always go to you first.”
She didn’t look up but kept staring at the ground. “It is okay.”
Chad sucked in a deep breath. He didn’t really understand women, and he understood the women here even less, but he couldn’t leave this the way it was. Whatever was wrong, he needed to fix it, and he needed to fix it now.
“I don’t want you to have an argument with your friend because of me.”
She didn’t raise her head, but she looked up, causing her eyes to go big and round. If it wasn’t his imagination, they were bloodshot.
His stomach clenched. She’d been crying.
Maybe he was wrong. He could deal with anything except that.
But he couldn’t leave her like this. He rubbed the pad of his thumb against her cheek and told himself to be strong. “What’s wrong?”
“This is so strange. I do not know why I am angry with Rebecca, and now she is angry with me. She has done nothing. She has only offered to help you, and that is something good. I do not know why this makes me feel angry.”
Chad’s heart quickened. He didn’t know much about women, but he did know a little about jealousy. For a brief moment, he’d thought Brian might be interested in Anna, and just the thought of the possibility had made him consider leaving Brian with a few bruises. It wasn’t a very good Christian attitude, but it was how he felt.
If there was sudden tension between Anna and her friend, he didn’t want to be the cause of it. But at the same time, it meant Anna felt something for him and she didn’t want to share, or Rebecca’s intrusion wouldn’t cause her emotions to rise to the surface so fast.
A million thoughts zinged through his head, but none of them connected to any course of action. His heart beat faster at the concept that thinking of him pulled at her emotions—emotions she hadn’t felt before—and knowing it made him want to yell and pound his chest like a gorilla.
Instead, Chad shuffled closer and raised his other hand, to cup her face in his palms and look into her eyes—eyes wide and full of wonder, and something else . . . was it anticipation or fear? Or maybe it was a bit of both. Those two emotions were certainly swirling and warring in his own brain right now.
He really didn’t have the right to kiss her. He didn’t even have the right to touch her.
Looking into her face, he tried to focus on just her eyes but couldn’t. His gaze took in the whole picture, including the prayer cap.
He couldn’t kiss her. Everything in her was purity, innocence . . . and inexperience. Falling in love with her was like tumbling off a cliff, following a sequence that, once started, had no turning back. He knew what he wanted, and he knew what he was getting.
But if Anna was starting to have feelings for him—and he hoped and prayed she was—she didn’t know what she was getting. He hadn’t been deliberately dishonest, but he hadn’t told her the truth, either.
It wouldn’t have bothered him a year ago, but after reading God’s word like he had been, and trying to learn what God was telling him, many things had begun to stick with him that he hadn’t thought about before. It wasn’t exactly like God was speaking aloud from the sky, but Chad was sure getting the message.
To withhold the truth was as bad as lying.
His chest constricted at the thought. He didn’t know how she would react when he told her, but they’d come to a point where he could no longer withhold his issues. The sum of his past—both good and bad—made him what he was today. And today, he was in love with Anna, and he couldn’t go further in their relationship until she knew what she was getting.
To make things even more complicated, she was also his employee. It didn’t matter that she’d been working there for years before him. He was still her boss.
He couldn’t kiss her like he wanted, but he couldn’t release her, either. Slowly, so he wouldn’t frighten her, in order to maintain some scrap of control, he guided her head so her cheek pressed into his shoulder. One hand slid down to the center of her back, and he splayed the fingers of his other hand so he cupped the back of her head in his palm, feeling the smooth fabric of her prayer cap.
Chad squeezed his eyes shut. Her prayer cap. Here he was, wanting so badly to kiss her—not just a quick or friendly peck on her cheek, but the hot and passionate kiss of a lover.
He wondered if such thoughts would have him rot in hell for the rest of his days. But if he had to justify himself, he wanted more than to just be her lover. He wanted to be her husband.
He loved her, and he had it bad.
But in order to go forward he had to go back and make it right, and the first step in making anything right was to tell the truth.
His throat felt gravelly, so he cleared his throat to speak softly with his head beside her ear. “We have to talk, there’s something about me you don’t know, and I need to tell you. Just not here, okay?”
At his words, her body stiffened. He felt too tempted, wanting to kiss her to make it all go away. Since it would only make everything worse, he released her and backed up a step.
Anna looked up at him, her eyes full of unspoken questions. “From the look on your face, this is important, is it not?”
He swallowed hard. “Not important for this exact second, but for the big picture, yes, it’s important.”
Anna turned to stare at the bikes, then turned to the side of the house, where the crowd was around the corner. Anywhere but at him. “We should leave, then. Where would you like to say this important thing to me?”
He sighed. He would have preferred the privacy of his living room, but that wasn’t going to happen. Still, he felt too raw to expose his soul in a semi-public place. “How about if we go into my backyard and we can sit on the back porch?” Open enough that her parents could see her through their kitchen window, but private enough so no one would hear their conversation. “I can also barbecue a couple of hamburgers for supper. Would that work for you?”
Her eyes lost focus, and he knew she was contemplating the process of going into his house, unescorted, in order to get to the backyard. If he had to, he’d take her around the side of the house, get her seated at the patio table where she could be in full view of her parents if they were in their kitchen, and he could run inside for a few minutes and find what they needed for supper.
“Ja,” she said softly, almost hesitantly. “That is fine. Let us tell everyone we are leaving, and we will go.”
They said their goodbyes quickly, and as they prepared to leave, he noticed a lot of not very subtle sympathetic glances. But if everyone thought his still feeling queasy was their reason for leaving, it was fine with him—and was a good enough excuse.
Unlike the trip to the farm, on the way home Chad felt none of the anticipation or rush to get to his destination. While being able to release the burdens that had been weighing him down for the last seven months would be a relief, at the same time, it terrified him to tell her.
Everything here was black-and-white; there was no gray and no middle ground. These good Mennonite people tried their best to live their lives the way they thought God meant them to. It was right, or it was wrong.
Outside this community, the way he’
d lived was fine and normal, according to the ways of the world. But here, such a lifestyle was very wrong.
Before he moved here, even though he used to go to church most Sundays, he hadn’t thought he was doing anything wrong. He’d wanted to get married, and if he was living in a married lifestyle without the license and government stamp, it didn’t matter. Lots of people did it, and they were happy.
But here, living together without the legalities of a marriage certificate and the pastor’s blessing was not in the “white”column.
The world could come up with a million reasons why modern people in today’s society didn’t really need marriage to live together happily ever after. Yet, if he and Brittany hadn’t lived together like they were married, if they’d waited until they both knew what they wanted and made sure they wanted the same thing from each other, neither of them would be in the positions they were in now.
Wherever Brittany was, whatever she was doing, she was going through a lot of effort so he couldn’t find her. She was going to be a single mother and it wouldn’t be an easy life. Conversely, he was going through a lot to find her and make everything as right as he could. Except, it would never be right.
Maybe, just maybe, God had the right idea all along.
When they arrived at his home, before he had a chance to suggest she simply go around the house and wait for him in the backyard, she went straight inside, directly to the kitchen, right for the fridge, and removed everything they would need for barbecuing hamburgers. He gathered up the plates and utensils, and they made a beeline for the back door and the patio table. Anna immediately set to work arranging everything in the most expedient and efficient manner, just like the way she handled everything at the office. Before he knew it, all he had to do was light the flame to start cooking.
Chad’s gut clenched as he pushed the button.
This was it. As the saying went, the rubber had just hit the road and he would either go down the highway or crash and burn.
Anna appeared beside him as he stood staring blankly at the flame licking the grill.
“While you are waiting for it to be right to start cooking, you can tell me what you need to say.”
