by Gail Sattler
Chad swallowed hard, and looked at the two uncooked burger patties she’d set on the plate. He hoped and prayed that after he opened his heart and bared his soul, he’d still be cooking for two.
23
Anna watched Chad staring at the two burgers on the plate.
She doubted he was really thinking hard about cooking something he’d obviously cooked many times before. Instead, she suspected he was trying to gather his thoughts, and his thoughts didn’t seem like they were easy to catch.
For a long time she’d suspected something important to him had caused him deep hurts.
Part of her wanted to be able to help him, whatever it was, even if all she could do was listen. But another part of her feared his words. If he hadn’t shared it after all this time, she didn’t know what had changed, and why he felt an urgent need to say this now.
Just watching his inner pain, her soul ached for him. Whatever had hurt him, she wanted to make it better. She’d been praying for him for a long time—private prayers she hadn’t shared with the ladies’ group or her Sunday morning prayer group. At the same time as she’d prayed for him, she’d also prayed for direction over her own feelings for him, because she’d never felt the same way about another man as she did about Chad.
Now, added to the confusion was the fear that whatever he struggled with would change their relationship. Not that they had a relationship, really. However, even though he was her boss, there was something between them she couldn’t define. They weren’t friends, not like her friendship with William, but when she and Chad weren’t together, unlike William, she thought about Chad far too much. Chad sighed deeply, and laid the burgers on the grill. “For so long I’ve tried to think of the best way to start this conversation, but any way to start this gently would be candy-coating it. I’m just going to be blunt and skip the rhetoric.” He tapped the burgers with the flipper, sighed again, and continued to stare at the burgers. “While it’s true that Brittany was my girlfriend, the relationship was more serious than that. We were engaged, and we were living together.”
He paused, and she suspected he was giving her time to let his words sink in, so she contemplated the meaning of what he’d said.
Anna had heard of this, that in the cities, very often a couple lived together as man and wife before the wedding. But she’d also learned that often a man and woman never got married and continued to live together as if they were married, in all ways, except for the blessing of being under God’s plan.
Suddenly, Anna couldn’t face Chad as the meaning of his words sank in. Instead, she turned to the chicken coop, to Chad’s chickens, who were making quite a ruckus at not being let out of the coop while Chad was in the backyard.
To give herself something to do, she walked to the chicken coop and reached to flip the latch to the gate and froze. It was a strange and complicated latch, something she had never seen before.
She didn’t know how to open the door to the chicken coop, to let his chickens out.
Chad appeared beside her and pointed to a button. “Press here to open it.”
She didn’t know why he didn’t have a simple hook-style latch like everyone else, but her mind was swimming too much with the thought of Chad living with a woman without being married to her.
And all that entailed.
Chad pushed the button, the door opened, and his two chickens ran out, strutting in circles around his feet and clucking their greeting. He squatted down and ran his fingers through their feathers, then stood. “Excuse me, but since I’m cooking, I’d better go wash my hands.” He turned and strode into the house, and the chickens hurried to keep up with him, following him, and the door closed behind them.
Anna walked to the patio table and sank into one of the chairs. Of all the things he could have said, this was not something she could have expected.
Before she could think too much about the relationship he must have had with Brittany, Chad returned to the barbecue. As he flipped the burgers, the chickens walked past him to hunt for bugs and explore the yard.
“That’s not the whole story.” His voice lowered. “She kept postponing the wedding plans, and it didn’t feel right. I was starting to reevaluate our relationship and what kind of future we’d have, and then I found out she was pregnant.”
Anna’s breath caught, and her stomach did a flip. When her friend Theresa found out she was pregnant, Theresa and Evan felt shamed. They hadn’t told either of their parents or anyone in the church but instead had run away to the cities, where they got an apartment and got married. Evan found a job, and they were still there, struggling but happy together with their daughter.
She looked up at Chad. This time, instead of staring intently at his cooking burgers, he was staring back at her.
Anna cleared her throat. “What are you doing here? That would have been before Christmas. It is now summer. Why have you not married her?”
He sighed, turned his back to her, and began poking at the hamburgers on the grill. “She didn’t exactly tell me she was pregnant. I found the kit, with a positive result, in the wastebasket in the bathroom. I told her I wanted to get married right away, a few days went by, and then when I got home from work that Friday, Brittany, everything she owned, and most of what I owned was gone. I haven’t been able to find her. That fellow who phones me from Minneapolis once a month is a private detective. When I couldn’t find her, I hired him. He hasn’t been able to find her either, but he’s still trying.”
Anna’s throat tightened.
Chad had lived as a married man, and he was a father.
“Does that mean you do not know where Brittany or the baby are?”
He shook his head, while still poking at the burgers. “That’s right. Also, there actually isn’t a baby yet, if I’m counting on my fingers properly, which I know I am, because I’m a business major. The baby is probably due sometime in August, and this is only June.” He turned around, looked at her, raised one hand, and dragged his palm over his face. “I know I should have told you sooner, but there never seemed to be a good time.”
Anna shook her head. “I still do not understand. Are you saying that instead of marrying you and giving the baby a father, she has run away? Why would a woman do this?”
Chad turned the grill off without removing the burgers to the plate. “I have no idea. Even though the relationship wasn’t what it should have been, I still would have married her. Even if she won’t marry me, I still want to do the right thing with support, and I want to get to know my son or daughter as a father and not as a deadbeat dad.” He shook his head, then turned away. “But I can’t. She didn’t just move out. She went into hiding. I don’t know why. I didn’t do anything bad, I didn’t hurt her or neglect her. I know I worked a lot, but I never ignored her. For some reason, we just seemed to drift apart. If it weren’t for the baby on the way, we probably would have split up and moved on.”
If it weren’t for the baby on the way . . .
The words echoed in Anna’s head.
But there was a baby on the way. He’d had that kind of relationship with Brittany. Without being married to her.
He sighed again. “We should probably eat, but I’m not really hungry anymore. I can get your burger ready, though. I kept them on the grill to keep them warm.”
Anna pressed her hand to her stomach, which was at war with the rest of her body. “I am no longer hungry, either. I will put everything back in the fridge so nothing will spoil.”
They both stood at the same time, but instead of turning to the table with the buns and condiments, Chad turned to her. “I’m so sorry. I don’t know what to say. Everything is so mixed up right now. This isn’t the way it’s supposed to be.”
Just looking at him tore her soul open. Short of the death of a loved one, she’d never seen such sorrow in a person’s face. While part of her reeled at the magnitude of his transgression, she couldn’t judge him. God didn’t grade sins on a scale of one to ten. She was no different in God
’s sight.
“Have you prayed about this?”
“More than you could ever know.”
“Then God will have an answer for you. It may not be the answer you want, but you will have one.”
“You know, I honestly believe that. It’s probably the only thing that’s held me up in all this, as it gets closer to August.”
She couldn’t help herself; the sadness in his eyes was her undoing. She stepped toward him so that they were toe to toe and reached forward to grasp his hands. “You know I will pray for you,” she whispered.
Before she knew what had happened, he pulled his hands out of hers, his arms were around her, and he pulled her in for a tight embrace. His arms pressed into her back, holding her close against his chest, and his cheek pressed against her temple. Yet, even though his grip was firm, she felt him tremble.
Knowing the relationship he’d had with Brittany and that he had created a child with her, she should have been repelled and pushed him away. Yet so many thoughts ran through her that she didn’t know what to say or think. Regardless of what she thought or how she felt, she was in no position to judge him. She was not to compare sins as to which was the worst but only knew she was also a sinner, and she also fell short of God’s glory. All she could do was love him as a brother and help him deal with his repentance, because she could certainly see his pain.
Despite what he had done, seeing his pain and knowing that he was honestly trying to meet his obligations and pay for his transgressions helped her deal with the shock.
“Have you told this to anyone else?” Even asking the question, she had a feeling she already knew his answer.
His arms shook, and he held her tighter. “No.”
“Not even Pastor Jake?”
“No.”
“Why not?” She wanted to look up at him, into his eyes at his reply, but he didn’t loosen his grip.
“Because I wanted you to be the first person I told. I’m really afraid of what everyone is going to think. As far as transgressions, this is a dandy. It’s also not something that’s going to go away. When I find Brittany—and I will find her—I want joint custody. I’m going to have to ask people for help, because I really don’t know what to do. But as they say, ‘it takes two,’ so I want to do my half.”
Something inside Anna told her that Chad would make a good father—and a good husband, despite his, as he called it, transgression.
“You know you must tell Pastor Jake, and you also must say this in your testimony when you become a member here. You are planning on becoming a member at our church, are you not?”
He stiffened. “I can do that? But I’m not a Mennonite.” He paused, his hands slid to her shoulders, and he gently pushed her away just far enough to look into her face but not release her. He grinned. “I really like those hats the men wear. Do you think I’d look good in one of those?”
At his joke about the men’s hats, the tension started to drain from her body. “I do not know about you wearing a hat, but you can certainly become a member of Piney Meadows Full Gospel Mennonite Church. Have you been baptized?”
He nodded. “Yes, I have. Which is probably a good thing. It wasn’t a Mennonite church, but I don’t think that makes a difference. In the city, my church had what could best be described as an oversized portable hot tub that we filled up for baptism Sundays. Here, I’m thinking that you only baptize people in the summer, and you do it in the river.”
Anna gasped. “Do you mean you baptize people in a bathtub?” She couldn’t imagine such a thing.
“No, it’s not a bathtub. Most city churches use a portable tub big enough for people to stand in for baptisms. Instead of a cold stream, it’s filled with nice warm water.” His grin widened, then faded. “I’m guessing I’d join by testimony, and my testimony would have to include some personal history, which includes that I’m about to become a single father, whether I know where the mother and baby are, or not.”
She nodded. “That is correct. But also, it will be good to have people pray for you, and they cannot pray for you over something they do not know. This is a good way for them to know, so they see it told from your heart, not from listening to people talking.” She didn’t want to say gossip, but unfortunately, sometimes a few of their members took advantage of the prayer request circles to find out interesting personal information which otherwise would not have been their business.
He sighed. “This has been weighing on me for a long time. Ever since I got here, really. It’s actually been a relief to talk to you about it, although I don’t think I’m going to get such an understanding reaction from the whole congregation.”
Even though Anna wanted to refute him, in this case, she couldn’t. With Chad being the manager at the factory, everyone considered it a huge blessing to have him take over for Ted. Between his experience and ability, he’d made many improvements and significantly increased their client base. At church, the same opinion wasn’t as prevalent. Most, but not all, of the people at church had accepted him with open arms as a regular attender. However, he hadn’t yet asked to be a member. While Chad was a Christian brother, he was not born and raised a Mennonite, and despite his best efforts, especially after the incident earlier at the chicken farm, he didn’t really fit into their community.
So far, everyone here and everyone in their church had been born here and had always been a part of Piney Meadows. Even though Miranda had not been, her birth and upbringing were still Mennonite. Chad was the first non-resident, non-Mennonite to become an active participant in their church.
Anna forced herself to smile. “After you speak to Pastor Jake about this, I am sure everything will be fine.”
24
If it was acceptable to put on a poker face in a church, Chad hoped he’d been able to do exactly that.
When he was called to the front to give his testimony he received a warm response from the congregation as he began to speak. When he got to the part about where his church attendance started to drop off, a few of the people stiffened and a few nodded. But when he got to the part in his life about living with a woman without the marriage certificate, pretty much all the warm smiles disappeared.
As soon as he told them about being an expectant father, a number of people gasped and two women stood and started to walk out.
Elderly Mr. Rempel jumped to his feet. Or rather, he cleared his throat loudly as he shakily pushed himself up using the back of the pew in front of him for support. The person beside him raised one hand to offer support as Mr. Rempel turned toward the back and pointed to the exiting people with his cane, nearly hitting Emma Klassen in the head.
“Mensche! Daut es nüach! People! That is enough!” Mr. Rempel hollered through the church. The echo of his voice hung in the air as the people leaving stopped dead in their tracks. “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone! Do you not think it has taken great courage for him to say these things in front of us? He has made his peace with God. He does not need to make peace with us. It is up to us to accept him and pray with him and rejoice with him that he has joined with us as another of God’s children.”
Mr. Rempel turned around, handed his cane to his son George, and pointed a bony finger at Chad, standing stock-still at the front of the church, hanging onto the podium so tightly his fingers hurt and his knuckles had turned white. “Have you made your peace with God and given your heart to our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, City Boy?”
Chad forced himself to breathe. Again the silence hung in the building while everyone stared at him. He squeezed his eyes shut and inhaled deeply.
He’d never had a worse sleepless night, including the night Brittany left him, and he hadn’t ever been such a wreck in front of an audience, including at a business conference when he’d taken an opposing view against the keynote speaker in a debate in front of fourteen hundred people. He’d probably spent most of the night making peace with God. Again.
Over the last few years he’d had many arguments with God.
Before arriving in Piney Meadows, he probably hadn’t prayed at all for close to a year. Except for the new job, everything in his life felt like it had gone swirling down the toilet, and he’d been sure God had been taunting him. But slowly, he’d come to admit it wasn’t God who had shut him out—it was he who had shut God out. He’d done so much he knew was wrong in God’s eyes, but he’d not given anything any importance or significance. After all, it wasn’t like he’d committed murder or stolen anything. He’d accepted Jesus Christ as his Lord and Savior years ago and that hadn’t changed. But by being with these good people, by listening to their teaching and watching them in their daily lives, he’d opened his heart, and he had made peace with God, whether or not things turned out the way he wanted.
He opened his eyes, looking straight at Mr. Rempel. “Yes,” he said, his voice barely above a whisper, yet he was sure that with the silence hanging in the church, he wasn’t the only one holding his breath.
“Gott es aula daut dü bruckst. That is all that you need,” Mr. Rempel called out, then sat.
While a few people continued to sit stone-faced with no change, most of them softened. Many smiled at him and nodded, which he took as signs of encouragement, and a few ladies started to sniffle. One of the ladies who had started to walk out started bawling.
Chad cleared his throat. “I don’t know what else I can say. I’ve got a private detective trying to find Brittany, and when he finds her, I’m going to request joint custody. It’s not the best arrangement, but it’s the best I can do. I’d really appreciate everyone’s prayers.”
A few more ladies started sniffling.
Pastor Jake stood and left the pew while his wife, Kathleen, remained seated and blew her nose quite loudly.
Once beside him, Pastor Jake put one arm around Chad’s shoulders and faced the congregation. “Let us now accept Chad Jones into our membership here at Piney Meadows Full Gospel Mennonite Church. Please join me in prayer over him.”
