Letters of Love (Lessons in Love)

by Clarissa Carlyle

  “I’ve worked some extra shifts so could always send you some if you need it,” Jackie offered.

  Alex suddenly stopped fretting about her class and focused solely on the conversation she was having with her mother and smiled warmly. Her mother tried so very hard to be there for her, and it wasn’t easy. It warmed Alex’s heart to hear such selflessness. She hoped that if she were to ever have children, she’d be as willing to take care of them as her own mother was.

  “That’s really kind of you, Mom, but I’m okay, really I am. Why don’t you take that money and treat yourself to something nice? Like a new dress or something. You deserve it,” Alex told her softly.

  There was silence on the line, and Alex feared that she’d made her mother cry. Before losing her father, Alex knew he’d taken such good care of all of them, especially her mother. He’d regularly take her out to fancy dinners and buy her new dresses and jewelry. If Alex was his princess, then Jackie was definitely his queen. Alex forgot sometimes that it wasn’t just her who’d lost her hero; her brother and mother had too.

  “You okay, Mom?”

  “Yeah, yes, I’m fine.” Jackie sniffed a little.

  “I’m sorry, but I’ve got to go to class now.”

  “Oh, that’s fine, honey. You go and learn and be great.”

  “I’ll try.”

  “I’m so very proud of you, Alexandra.”

  “Thanks, Mom.”

  “I miss you,” Jackie whispered.

  “I miss you too, Mom.”

  Alex hung up and steeled herself for her entrance into class.

  ****

  Alex tried to be as stealthy as possible as she walked in late to the lecture hall. She spotted a vacant seat near the aisle that she quickly occupied. She could feel people looking at her, but she didn’t turn to absorb their judgement. She knew what they’d be thinking, and she was too tired to care.

  The class was being taught by a young female professor. She wore her blonde hair atop her head in a tight bun and had on a smart beige skirt suit. She looked extremely professional, which was a stark contrast to the casually dressed students she was teaching, in particular Alex, who looked like she belonged in a nightclub rather than a classroom.

  Alex began to regret not at least changing her top. The sequins sparkled and called out to be noticed. A less shimmering top would have helped her to blend in more easily.

  “If you can all turn to page sixty-six of your textbooks,” the professor instructed.

  Alex and the other students all obliged, but as Alex scanned the page, she could feel the eyes of the professor settle upon her.

  “Miss Heron, since you are so accustomed to being late for my class, perhaps you can tell us the solution to problem 3B?”

  Problem 3B was conveniently about time, or rather the lack of it. It was a complex equation that centered around vortices and aircraft speed. Alex had previously studied the problem, as per the homework from the previous class. Thankfully, her gifted mind could easily solve the problem. She was grateful that her aptitude in mathematics gave her leeway to be late sometimes. She assumed the only reason she was kept on the course was because her grades remained steady. It was only her attendance that was a real issue.

  Alex looked back through the question, wanting to be certain of her answer.

  “The solution is to take time and distance, divide it against weight and speed, and you create a formula which should run five, seven, seven, eight, all in seconds. This is the only pattern you could release the aircraft in.”

  “The only pattern?” the professor asked incredulously.

  “Yes, Miss Dunne,” Alex confirmed. “That is the only pattern which would work as a sustainable solution.”

  Alex watched Miss Dunne’s reaction, which was pretty unreadable. Behind her designer glasses the professor appeared indifferent. She paused for a moment, absorbing Alex’s response, and then nodded in agreement.

  “Very good,” she commended Alex simply. “If only, Miss Heron, your own timekeeping was as accurate as your mathematical skills.”

  Some people sniggered at this, but Alex didn’t care. She’d got the answer right, which meant she was safe in her class, for now.

  ****

  Alex didn’t return to her dorm room. She wasn’t ready to tackle the mountains of clothes that were growing across the floor. Instead, she went and sat down in the courtyard, the sun warming her bare arms.

  Ashley had texted suggesting they meet for lunch, so Alex only had half an hour or so to kill. Taking her notebook out of her backpack, she decided to write back to Mark. Lately she had found herself missing him more than ever. She longed for the stability she felt in his arms, and each time she saw Ashley in bed with someone, she felt a pang of loneliness.

  Dear Mark,

  I’m glad you haven’t forgotten about me. I certainly haven’t forgotten about you!

  While I’m loving being here at Princeton and finally being the real me, life is far from simple. I’m beginning to realize that life can never be simple, no matter who you are or what you’re running from.

  At Woodsdale I tried so hard to be the popular cheerleader that I think I’ve forgotten how to be the studious girl I once was. I’ve been partying a lot. A lot more than I’d let you believe because I don’t want you to think less of me. I just get caught up in the moment.

  And now I’m officially a member of Kappa Pi, which means more parties and social events. And as much as I’d like to say I’m above it all and only here for my education, I’d be lying as I’m loving it. I get to enjoy myself with others without worrying that they’ll disown me if they knew the truth about my past. No one here cares that my family lives in a trailer.

  I am making it all count, though, don’t worry. And while I’m not top of my class yet, I’m certain I will be by the end of the year! I promise to start applying myself more to my studies!

  I wish you were here to keep me grounded, keep my head on straight. And other things… I don’t want to write smut in a letter, but I hope you miss me in that way too. The nights are long here when I can think of only being in your arms once more.

  Missing you,

  Alex

  xoxo

  ****

  “Can you believe that our freshman year is almost over?” Ashley asked in disbelief as she struggled to pack away her belongings.

  “Yeah, it’s crazy,” Alex agreed, looking sadly at her final report card for the year. She’d made it into the second year, barely, and there was a note that her progress would be assessed and reviewed when her junior year commenced, which she didn’t like the sound of. It shamed Alex to think she may have potentially failed.

  “I’m going to miss this room.” Ashley glanced around at the now empty walls, feeling nostalgic.

  “We were barely in it!” Alex laughed.

  “True,” Ashley admitted. She wandered over to the stack of photographs that documented their first year at Princeton. They went to some amazing parties, some where they got covered in foam, others when they had to wear neon paint. The whole year had been a blur of music, dancing and occasionally classes. Alex had loved every minute but had begun to fear that her excessive partying would come at a price.

  “I love that one,” Alex said, as Ashley looked at a picture of them both sitting outside in the courtyard, smiling broadly in the sunshine, each wearing a Princeton hooded sweater.

  “Me too,” Ashley agreed fondly.

  “Let’s leave it here as a welcome gift for next year’s freshman!” Ashley declared, placing the picture in a prominent place on the now bare corkboard.

  It made Alex sad to see the room so empty, but what made her feel worse was the thought of spending the summer back in Woodsdale in the trailer. As much as she missed Mark and wanted to see him, she wasn’t sure she could handle a summer spent sharing a room with her brother.

  “You know, my offer still stands,” Ashley said gently, referring to her earlier suggestion that Alex go to California
with her for the summer.

  “You could come back to L.A. with me, and I’d show you how we party West Coast style!” Ashley laughed.

  “It’s a really kind offer.”

  “Seriously, we’ve got, like, three guest bedrooms. You wouldn’t be putting me out, and my parents love you.”

  “It’s tempting,” Alex admitted. She’d always wanted to visit Los Angeles. Everything seemed so glamorous there compared to the mediocrity of Woodsdale.

  “Of course, I’d have to come stay at yours for Thanksgiving in return.” Ashley laughed.

  “I’m not sure you’d take well to trailer living, Ash.” Alex raised a concerned eyebrow.

  “Fair point.” Ashley smiled. “But still, I’d love you to come back with me. I’m sure your mom wouldn’t mind. Since we’ve worked so hard all year, we deserve a summer of fun.” She said the worked part sarcastically, and both girls laughed a little guiltily at that.

  “Sun, sand and hot guys,” Ashley continued. “I can’t believe I’m having to sell it to you!” she lamented. “You want me to beg?” she joked. “Fine! Alex, please, please spend the summer with me in L.A. You’re my best friend, and I’ll be lost without you! Also, you could seriously use a decent tan!”

  Alex couldn’t speak for laughing, holding her chest as she doubled over.

  “Okay, okay.” She held her hands up in defeat. “I’ll come spend the summer with you in L.A.”

  “Yes!” Ashley beamed triumphantly.

  As they emptied the last of their room into the back of Ashley’s father’s Mercedes, Alex quickly sent a text to her mother explaining the situation and, after a brief contemplative pause, sent another to Mark.

  Spending the summer in L.A. now with Ashley, so won’t see you. Will write, though, and maybe be in Woodsdale for Thanksgiving. Xoxo

  She realized a little guiltily that she didn’t feel bad about not getting to see him all summer.

  “Come on, let’s go!” Ashley ordered as she came back to see what was the hold up.

  “Okay, I’m ready!” Alex took one last look at her dorm room and closed the door on her freshman year at Princeton.

  Junior Year

  Alex helped Ashley’s father unload the last of their suitcases from the trunk of his Mercedes. As she stood beside the mountain of luggage, she looked up admiringly at the sorority house of Kappa Pi, which would be her new home for the next three years. The house was just as beautiful as she remembered it before leaving for the summer.

  Suddenly the cell phone in her jeans pocket began vibrating. Rummaging to retrieve it, Alex saw that she had an incoming call from her mother.

  “Hey, Mom.”

  “Alex, honey, I’m so glad I caught you. Are you back at college now?”

  “Yeah, I just got back.”

  “Already? The summer goes by so fast,” her mom noted sadly.

  Alex hadn’t made it home to Woodsdale at all over the holidays, which filled her with guilt. She’d been so caught up with partying in L.A. with Ashley that she’d forgotten all about heading back to her hometown. Or maybe she hadn’t completely forgotten. A part of her just didn’t want to return to the trailer, not yet. Alex enjoyed living in the dorms and was excited to now be living in a grand sorority house. It felt like she was living the life she was meant to lead, as if the past four years since her father’s death had been erased and she’d never known poverty or the shame of living in a trailer. Alex felt that if she returned to her hometown, she’d burst the bubble of her college life and be reminded of what awaited her if she failed to succeed.

  The burden to succeed already weighed so heavily on her slender shoulders. So many people had done so much to haul her out of the pit she’d pushed herself into following the tragic shooting when she’d seen her father die. Mark had helped more than anyone. He’d seen past Alex’s façade down to the real her, and she’d fallen in love with him. But now she was pushing him away because Mark was yet another connection to a past she’d rather forget. He’d been calling her all summer, but Alex had ignored his calls, feeling wretched each time she did so.

  “He’s not worth it,” Ashley had said knowingly back in Los Angeles as they sat lounging by her pool, the California sun bronzing their skin and warming their exposed skin.

  She raised a perfectly shaped eyebrow at her friend, recognizing all too well the shame face of a broken relationship.

  “Whoever he is, wherever he is, trust me, forget about him. You are in L.A., little grasshopper, it’s time for you to spread your wings and fly solo! No guy is ever worth it,” Ashley concluded wisely before turning to take a sip of her iced tea.

  “That’s just the problem.” Alex had sighed sadly. “He totally is worth it.”

  But worth it or not, Alex was back at Princeton, outside her new sorority house, and Mark, her mother and the trailer were nothing but a distant memory.

  “I am so excited to see our room!” Ashley buzzed ecstatically beside her best friend.

  “Me too.” Alex smiled.

  “Just you girls take care now,” Ashley’s dad said fondly, embracing first Alex and then his daughter.

  “Thank you so much for having me this summer,” Alex told him politely.

  “It was our pleasure.” Ashley’s dad beamed broadly. It was easy to see where Ashley got her friendly and open nature. Alex had never known such kind, giving people. Ashley’s family had welcomed her into their home with open arms. Alex liked to think that if her father had still been alive, it was the sort of reception Ashley could have expected if she’d ever gone to Woodsdale. Not that Alex would ever know.

  There wasn’t a day that passed when Alex didn’t think of her father. It might be just a fleeting thought, like perhaps she smelt or saw something that reminded her of him, but he was always present in her mind, never far from her current thoughts. She regularly mused that in thinking about him she was somehow keeping him alive, well, his memory at least.

  “Time to go pick beds!” Ashley giggled before sprinting towards the house, leaving both Alex and all their luggage behind her.

  However, her mad dash was cut short by Taylor standing in the grand hallway of the house, ready to greet them.

  “Welcome, girls.” Taylor smiled through perfect teeth, waiting momentarily for Alex to catch up with her roommate before proceeding. “Welcome, sisters, we hope you had an amazing summer vacation and are refreshed and ready to tackle the school year anew.”

  “Yep.” Ashley shrugged unenthusiastically.

  “You’ve been assigned bedroom six, which is up the stairs, to the left, and then second door on the right.”

  “Got it.” Alex nodded.

  “Orientation is in two hours, so you’ve got some time to unpack and relax.”

  “Okay, great.” Alex nodded again, eager to get past Taylor, up the stairs, and check out her new room.

  “Okay, okay, let’s go!” Ashley insisted, equally desperate to view the room. The girls began to ascend the stairs, but Taylor called them back, her voice cool and level.

  “Not so fast, girls,” she began, producing a crisp, white envelope from her pocket and holding it up between her perfectly manicured nails.

  “One of you has mail.”

  “Oh,” Ashley noted, bemused.

  “Miss Alexandra Heron,” Taylor read the name from the envelope before handing it across to Alex.

  “It’s never a good sign to get mail from the school so early in the year,” she warned the new member of the sorority.

  “Whatever it is, fix it.” Taylor’s tone was stern; she meant business.

  Alex nodded numbly as she held the letter in her hand, unsure what it would say.

  Entering the room was a pleasant distraction from the letter. Ashley burst in first, swinging her arms around madly in a grand gesture.

  “It’s amazing!” she declared joyously.

  The room was equally twice as big as their previous dorm room, with two large dormer windows on the far wall, which were all
owing sunlight to flood the room, basking it in an ethereal golden light.

  There were two twin beds located on adjacent walls, beside which were two tables and desks. On the interior wall there were two large double closets. All of the furniture was white distressed wood, very shabby chic. The curtains were bright pink, but the carpet was a more subtle beige. It was a beautiful room, and when Alex glanced out of the window, she saw the large lawn garden belonging to the house and beyond that a row of trees swaying slightly in the gentle breeze. The room reminded her of her old bedroom, the one she so yearned for.

  “I love it!” Ashley squealed.

  Alex did wonder how her friend could be so effusive about the room. It was much less grand than the bedroom she had back in her family’s home in Los Angeles. Yet Ashley was genuinely overjoyed by their new accommodation, and Alex appreciated her enthusiasm. It made the whole experience that much more enjoyable.

  “Which bed do you want?” Ashley queried.

  Alex glanced at both beds. They were identical, so it didn’t matter either way. She pointed to the bed on the right side of the room just to make a choice.

  “Okay, great!” Ashley immediately threw herself onto the other bed. “It’s so comfortable!” she confirmed.

  Just over an hour later, Alex had long finished unpacking her few possessions, but Ashley was still stringing fairy lights and chucking scatter cushions around the room.

  “Do you want some more scented candles on your side of the room?” Ashley asked as she encircled her own space with six of them.

  “I’m good, thanks.” Alex was now sitting cross-legged on her bed, an open book on her lap and, beside her, the ominous white envelope.

  “Are you done unpacking already?” Ashley gasped. “Jeez, I haven’t even started on the closet yet.”

  “Want me to help?” Alex offered.