His Other Wife

by Umm Zakiyyah

  Aliyah nodded, and Mashael was surprised to see genuine empathy on Aliyah’s face. “Sort of like what Jacob and I did?”

  Mashael raised her eyebrows as she recalled the sudden nikaah at Jacob’s house the day Sheldon accepted Islam. Reem had told her not to talk to anyone about it. “Yes, I guess so…” she said, smiling.

  Mashael looked at Aliyah, a curious expression on her face. “You didn’t tell your parents or family about Jacob?”

  Aliyah shook her head, a close-lipped smile teasing her lips. “No, not yet.”

  “Is it because of all those rumors about you and Deanna?”

  She paused before moving her head in the beginning of a nod. “Partly, yes. But like you mentioned about Sheldon’s family, my parents pretty much excommunicated me after I became Muslim. So I’m not sure I want them involved in any part of my personal life.”

  Mashael grew quiet, immediately ashamed of her comment about wishing she had Aliyah’s parents.

  “I saw my mother today for the first time in more than ten years,” Aliyah said in a low voice, her gaze looking at something beyond the floor table. She coughed laughter. “And it was the first time I was grateful to Allah that my family had cut me off and wanted nothing to do with me.” A lopsided smile formed on her lips as she looked at Mashael. “And now I think I don’t want anything to do with them either.”

  ***

  “You think I’m wrong for feeling this way?” Aliyah asked Jacob later that evening when he’d come to her apartment in preparation to take Younus and Thawab home. They were sitting at the kitchen table after having eaten, Jacob at the head and Aliyah at an angle to him.

  “No,” Jacob said honestly. “I think it’s only natural after everything that’s happened. I’d be more worried if you never felt angry with them. A person can only take so much. We’re all human, in the end.”

  “But what about all the rights they have over me?” Aliyah said, a hesitant smile on her face. She was feeling guilty for what she’d said to Mashael earlier.

  “You don’t have to want to be around your family, Aliyah. You just have to keep ties with them.”

  Aliyah used her fork to toy with the cold food leftover on her plate. “But it feels wrong. I never felt like this before.”

  “After all you’ve gone through,” Jacob said in lighthearted humor, “I imagine you’re going to feel a lot of things you’ve never felt before.”

  Aliyah was quiet as she played with her fork. There was so much she wanted to say, but she didn’t want Jacob to judge her harshly for it.

  “I’ve been thinking a lot about Deanna these last couple of days,” she said finally, deciding it was best not to keep her feelings bottled up any longer. She wanted to be able to relax and be herself around Jacob, and the only way to do that was by being fully honest with him.

  “Really?” he said. Aliyah could feel him looking at her, but she couldn’t meet his gaze. “In what way?”

  She lifted a shoulder in a shrug. “It’s sort of how I feel about my family now,” she said. “Except with my family, I feel guilty for not wanting to see them again. But with Deanna, I feel guilty for not really caring what she thinks anymore.” Aliyah drew in a deep breath and exhaled slowly, her heart beat quickening at the realization that she was actually speaking her thoughts aloud. “In a way, I almost want her to know about us. The more I think about everything she’s done, the more I think she deserves this as payback.”

  There was an extended silence.

  Nervous that she had disappointed Jacob with this confession, she hesitantly glanced at him. To her surprise, she found him grinning at her.

  “What?” she said, laughter in her voice.

  “I’m just happy to see you finally sticking up for yourself.”

  She chuckled and averted her gaze. “I don’t know if I’d call it that…”

  “I would,” he said. “It’s unhealthy to be as passive and forgiving as you’ve been all this time. Forgiving and overlooking is good, but only if you’re being honest with yourself about how the betrayal makes you feel. But for you, it seems like you force yourself to deny that the betrayal ever happened at all.”

  As Jacob’s words took meaning, Aliyah realized that he was right. She wasn’t so much forgiving as she was willfully blind, and there was nothing praiseworthy in that. Only with sight could you be forgiving because only then would you see the harm and feel the pain of what you’re forgiving.

  “Astaghfirullah,” Aliyah uttered, seeking God’s forgiveness. “I never thought about it like that before. It makes me feel like a bad person now that I feel more upset than inclined to forgive.”

  “You’re not a bad person for being upset because someone wronged you,” Jacob said. “Forgiving them is an option, not an obligation.”

  “But isn’t forgiveness best?”

  “Yes,” Jacob said matter-of-factly. “But only if it’s really forgiveness. And forgiveness isn’t of the tongue. It’s of the heart. So before you can forgive, you need to consult your heart to see if it’s ready.”

  Aliyah nodded thoughtfully.

  A question came to her, but she was unsure if she had the right to ask it. “Do you forgive Deanna?” she said after a moment’s hesitation.

  Jacob seemed to be contemplating the question. “Yes…” he said tentatively. “As long as I don’t have to be her husband,” he said. “And as long as she doesn’t harm my sons or my wife.”

  Hearing herself referred to as “my wife” in the same context as Deanna made Aliyah feel awkward—and proud.

  “I guess I just feel like I don’t know who I am anymore,” Aliyah said. “My emotions are all over the place.” She shook her head. “Even today, as I watched my mother try so hard to keep Cassie’s husband from becoming Muslim, I felt like I hated her, astaghfirullah.”

  Jacob lifted a shoulder in a shrug. “Was there anything to love in what she did?”

  “But I don’t mean just her behavior,” Aliyah said. “I felt like I hated her.” Her expression conveyed distaste. “But what kind of person feels like that about her own mother?”

  “A person who’s suffered abuse one time too many times and can do nothing about it except lash out in her heart.”

  “But isn’t that sinful?” Aliyah said, feeling choked up all of a sudden. “Doesn’t Allah punish people who disrespect their parents?”

  “You didn’t disrespect her,” Jacob said. “You felt dislike for her. There’s a difference.”

  “But how do you honor and respect someone you dislike?”

  “The same way you honor and respect all those teachers and bosses and supervisors who turn your stomach at the very sight of them,” he said simply. “The same way we honor and respect court judges by referring to them as ‘Your Honor,’ regardless of how we feel inside.” He shrugged. “What goes on in your heart is between you and Allah.”

  “But that’s what I’m afraid of,” Aliyah said. “What if Allah is displeased with me? Doesn’t this make me a hypocrite?”

  Jacob nodded, understanding. “I think I know how you feel,” he said. “I went through something similar with my mother, and of course Deanna year after year.”

  “How did you come to terms with it?” Aliyah asked, looking intently at Jacob.

  “I made du’aa,” he said. “And I asked Allah to purify my heart.”

  Aliyah pursed her lips, her eyes growing thoughtful. “I need to do that…”

  “We all do,” Jacob said, “no matter what we think is going on in our hearts.”

  Aliyah grunted. “I just hate feeling like this. I’m not used to it. I’ve always been really positive and loving and optimistic with my family and friends.”

  “But have they been positive, loving, and optimistic with you?”

  Aliyah frowned thoughtfully. “No, but…”

  “Then you can understand why you’re feeling different now. You’ve probably never experienced what it feels like to have a real friend,” he said. “Or a real fam
ily even.”

  A feeling of sadness overcame Aliyah as the truth of his words settled upon her. He was right. She had no real friends or family.

  Aliyah was fighting the urge to cry when she felt Jacob take her hands in his. She hesitantly met his gaze with a sad smile. He lifted her hands and kissed the top of both, one after the other.

  “But I pray that Allah will give you both in me,” he said.

  Chapter 25

  Her Release

  “You are my relief,” Jacob had told Aliyah, “and my release.”

  “What do you mean?” Aliyah had asked him, unable to contain her flattery.

  “You are my relief because Allah sent you after the difficulty,” he said. “And you are my release because I can finally breathe and be myself around you.”

  These were the thoughts swimming in Aliyah’s mind as she drove to Nikki’s house Sunday afternoon. A reflective smile was frozen on her face as her eyes were on the road in front of her. “Then you are my relief and release, too,” she’d replied.

  Aliyah glanced in the rearview mirror and saw Ibrahim mumbling rhythmically to himself as he looked out the window. Headphones were on his ears, and he held an iPod in his hand. Aliyah smiled at the sight. He was practicing his Qur’anic memorization in preparation for Monday. Yes, Jacob was definitely her relief after the difficulty, mashaAllah. Now she could focus on being a mother without feeling forced to work fulltime due to her financial situation.

  And now her son was a big brother.

  When Aliyah had told Jacob about Nikki’s baby, he’d told her she should go visit and take Ibrahim to see his little sister (Nikki confirmed in a text message that the baby was a girl and that she was having some sisters over Sunday afternoon and that Aliyah was welcome to come).

  Aliyah slowed the car in front of Matt and Nikki’s home, and she was pleasantly surprised that not the least bit of emotions were stirred at the sight of her old house. In that moment, she was actually happy for Matt and Nikki. If they could please Allah by the union, people who loved each other belonged together, Aliyah thought to herself.

  I forgive you, Nikki, Aliyah’s thoughts resonated from the heart, and I forgive Matt, too. As she put the car in park and turned off the ignition, she whispered a silent prayer for them both. She asked Allah to bless their marriage; have mercy on them; forgive them for their past, present, and future sins; and admit them to the highest level of Paradise. At the heartfelt supplication, Aliyah felt moisture in her eyes as she imagined the angels making the same prayer for her and Jacob.

  ***

  “Aliyah!” someone called out after Aliyah removed her shoes and placed them on the rack. She looked up to find Jasmine coming toward her with her arms outstretched.

  “As-salaamu’alaikum,” Aliyah said as Jasmine drew her into an embrace as soon as she stepped into the living room.

  “Wa’alaiku-mus-salaam, stranger!” Jasmine teased. She leaned into Aliyah until her face was right next to her ear. “Is it true what I heard?” she whispered. “You and Jacob got secretly married?”

  The question took Aliyah off guard, and she didn’t know what to say. She felt wary divulging anything to Jasmine. Aliyah tried to think of a way to neither confirm nor deny the rumor, but Jasmine spoke before she could.

  “It’s okay,” Jasmine said, standing up straight again. She flashed Aliyah a wide smile as she squeezed her arm affectionately. “I’ll take your silence as a yes.” She winked. “That’s not a question you hesitate on if the answer is a no.”

  Aliyah didn’t know whether to feel concerned or offended.

  “Congratulations though,” Jasmine said, a playful grin on her face. “Now at least I know you won’t be trying to steal my man.”

  The comment stung, and Aliyah’s face grew hot in offense. Jasmine’s emphasis on the personal pronoun my was clearly a passive aggressive insinuation that Aliyah had stolen Deanna’s man.

  A thousand retorts stormed her mind, but Aliyah held her tongue. Ibrahim was right behind her, within earshot, and she didn’t want to ruin this day for him.

  “As-salaamu’alaikum,” Aliyah called out to the women scattered throughout the living room. Some were sitting on the couches, others on the floor, and a few standing and chatting. On a small couch was Nikki cradling a baby in her arms.

  “Wa’alaiku-mus-salaam,” a chorus of voices sang out.

  “Wa’alaiku-mus-salaam,” Nikki said after them, a tired smile on her face. She gestured with her head. “Come and see your goddaughter.”

  It wasn’t until after she grasped Ibrahim’s hand and led him to where Nikki sat with the baby that Nikki’s words finally registered. “Goddaughter?” Aliyah repeated in disbelief, laughter in her voice.

  “Yes, why not?” Nikki said, meeting Aliyah’s gaze without a hint of humor or sarcasm in her tone. She lifted the baby and turned her to Aliyah. “It makes the most sense, doesn’t it? With her being Ibrahim’s little sister. You can be a second mother to Bushra like I’m a second mother to Ibrahim.”

  Taken aback by Nikki’s kindness, Aliyah didn’t know what to say. “You named her Bushra?” she asked as she kneeled slightly to take the baby in her arms.

  “Yes. Matt says it means good news or glad tidings.”

  Aliyah nodded as Bushra reached out a tiny dimpled hand in a stretch and a yawn before relaxing again. “It’s a beautiful name mashaAllah,” Aliyah said sincerely. “May Allah give all of you much bushra through her.”

  “Ameen,” the women in the room murmured.

  “Ameen,” Nikki added, a reflective expression passing over her face.

  “Ibrahim, this is your sister Bushra,” Aliyah said, lowering herself so that her son could see the baby.

  A shy smile played at Ibrahim’s lips. “Really?”

  “Yes. Your Daddy and Ummi just had a baby girl,” Aliyah explained. “So you’re a big brother now.”

  His smile widened. “I know,” he said, trying to play down the big moment.

  Aliyah and Nikki laughed. “You want to hold her?” Nikki offered.

  Ibrahim looked uncertain then finally nodded.

  “Then sit down first,” Aliyah said, and Ibrahim obeyed, his eyes eager as he settled on the floor. Aliyah kneeled and carefully handed the baby to him, and arranged his hands so that he held his sister securely.

  Ibrahim looked nervous at first, but after a few seconds, he found a comfortable grip. A grin spread on his face, and he glanced up at his mother to see if she saw how well he was holding his sister. Aliyah smiled and nodded at him, then he went back to staring at his sister, unable to keep from grinning proudly the whole time.

  “How does Ibrahim like the hifdh school so far?” Juwayriah asked from where she sat on the couch. “When Bilal first started, he had a hard time.”

  “It seems okay so far,” Aliyah said as she settled on the floor next to Ibrahim. She glanced at her son. “How is Qur’an school?”

  “It’s fine,” he said, his eyes still on Bushra.

  Aliyah and Juwayriah chuckled.

  “How long does it take for someone to memorize if they’re starting from the beginning?” Aliyah asked after a few seconds.

  Juwayriah shrugged. “It depends on the child,” she said. “If they have a really good memory, they could finish in a year.”

  “Wow, mashaAllah,” Aliyah said, eyes widening. “I don’t know about that…”

  “But it’s not recommended,” Juwayriah said. “The teachers say it’s better for them to take their time to make sure their tilaawah is right. Usually when they rush the memorization, there are a lot of mistakes in the tajweed.”

  Aliyah nodded. “That makes sense.”

  The doorbell rang, and Aliyah was pleasantly surprised to see Salima walk in after one of the sisters opened the door.

  “As-salaamu’alaikum,” Salima greeted everyone with a smile and a wave.

  “Haroon!” Ibrahim called out over the chorus of salaams.

  Aliyah immediately reached
toward him and took Bushra. As soon as the baby was in Aliyah’s arms, Ibrahim shot to his friend’s side before Haroon even finished taking off his shoes.

  Aliyah carefully got to her feet then handed Bushra back to Nikki. In that moment, she saw a grimace pass over Jasmine’s face as Salima walked into the living room to shake everyone’s hand. Instinctively, Aliyah did a double take. But by then, Jasmine was all wide smiles and eagerly greeting Salima. Aliyah was overcome with dread as she imagined that Jasmine probably had heard of Larry’s interest in Salima, though she couldn’t imagine how.

  “But Jasmine is very resourceful,” Larry had told Aliyah when Jasmine was ostensibly looking for someone to teach her about Islam, “so I thought I should give you a heads-up.”

  “How about Ummi, like Ibrahim calls you?” Aliyah said as she sat back down on the floor near Nikki, speaking low enough so that only the sisters right next to them could hear. “I don’t want to call myself godmother.”

  Nikki nodded, considering it. “That’s fine.”

  “Alhamdulillaah.”

  A grin formed at Nikki’s lips. “So I take that as a yes?”

  Aliyah drew her eyebrows together in confusion, then realized a second later what Nikki was referring to. “Yes, of course,” Aliyah said sincerely. “I’d be honored, especially since she’s Ibrahim’s sister.”

  “Good,” Nikki said, exhaling but still smiling. “Matt kept warning me you might say no.”

  Aliyah chuckled.

  “You know, because…” An awkward expression lingered on Nikki’s face, and Aliyah sensed that Nikki expected her to understand the unfinished thought.

  Aliyah nodded. “I understand,” she said, even though she didn’t. There were a host of reasons that could make them think she’d refuse the offer, but she couldn’t imagine the one Nikki was referring to. But Aliyah decided that it wasn’t important to discuss right then. There were too many people around.