His Other Wife

by Umm Zakiyyah

  “You can also work with SAFE if you want to,” Jacob had offered, referring to the non-profit organization that he and Aliyah had founded. Surviving Abuse and Family Estrangement. “And maybe we can even promote your new book.”

  Deanna frowned thoughtfully as her eyes lingered on the winding stairs. It was a tempting offer. But she was uncertain if she could handle being around Aliyah regularly.

  “Maybe you can call it You Can Have You All To Yourself,” Jacob had joked. Deanna had laughed at his suggestion, but right then, as she held the notebook on her lap, the title didn’t seem like such a bad idea.

  I gave up on you, Janice, and I shouldn’t have. I’m sorry. I just didn’t see the point of living anymore. But now I know that was such a stupid, selfish thing to do. Deanna paused thoughtfully, wondering what would have happened if her suicide attempt had been successful.

  When she’d gotten home from the hospital, Deanna had found a book on her bed, and she knew immediately that her mother had bought it for her. It was entitled No Time to Say Goodbye: Surviving the Suicide of a Loved One by Carla Fine. Initially, Deanna had only skimmed it, reluctantly reading a page or two. But after she found her depression getting the best of her, she decided that reading it couldn’t hurt, especially after she was hospitalized a second time. And the story that resonated with her most was by a woman named Brenda who’d lost two friends, Faye and Maria, to suicide.

  “I think Faye is at peace but I’m angry at Maria,” Brenda said. “Yet, everyone who is left behind is devastated, no matter what. We all have big-time guilt that we could have done more. There was no sense of closure at either funeral, just a feeling that neither of them really cared about the rest of us…I really believe that suicide is an extremely selfish act.”

  BPD. In addition to “clinical depression,” those were the three letters that the psychiatrist had used to sum up Deanna’s condition. Borderline Personality Disorder. Deanna hated the label and wasn’t fully convinced it was accurate. But she couldn’t deny that her struggles ran parallel to others with the diagnosis. That many patients diagnosed with BPD had faced childhood traumas similar to Deanna’s was unsettling. It was as if a bad family not only scarred you for life, but also took away the little quality of life you had left.

  “For you,” the psychiatrist had said, “I suggest bibliotherapy. What that basically means is using books as a means of healing. This form of treatment is not well-known, but I find it to be very beneficial, especially in patients who love to read.”

  After doing a brief internet search on the method, Deanna happened upon the organization Words Heal, Incorporated: Sadie Peterson Delaney Literary Collaborative, whose website suggested fiction books that people had found helpful in their healing. The one Deanna had chosen and was subsequently approved by her psychiatrist was Trail of Broken Wings by Sejal Badani.

  “What he did to you can never be undone,” the character Ranee said in the book. “But don’t let it color your life. Don’t let his actions or his way of living become your truth…You are your truth.”

  ***

  Jamil shook his head as a hesitant smile crept onto his lips. “I don’t think I’m in a position to offer anyone relationship advice,” he said from where he sat at the dining room table of Larry’s home next to Sheldon and Matt and across from Jacob and Sayed. “But I send you nothing but love, man,” Jamil said as he placed a hand over his heart and gestured his head toward Larry, who sat at the head of the table. “Because we’re family now.”

  Larry smirked and nodded. “I appreciate that, man,” he said sincerely. “For real.”

  “If you’re not in a position to offer advice,” Benjamin said, slight humor in his tone, “then none of us are. Some of my most powerful lessons came as a result of my mistakes.”

  Jamil chuckled self-consciously. “Now, I didn’t say I made mistakes,” he said. “I just don’t think anyone’s interested in hearing what I have to say.”

  “This is Larry’s halaal bachelor party,” Matt said jokingly. “I’m sure he wants to hear what we’ve all got to say. Otherwise, we wouldn’t be here.”

  There was a ripple of laughter at the table. “Now, don’t be getting me in trouble with the mullahs,” Larry said, chuckling. “This isn’t a bachelor party. I invited you here because Salima thought it was a good idea for the men to hang out too.”

  Jacob coughed laughter. “Then I guess you don’t need my advice either, bro. You’re already starting off on the right foot,” he said. “Listening to your wife.”

  The men chuckled and nodded in agreement.

  “I’ll start,” Benjamin said, clearing his throat. “Then we can go around the table and hear from everyone else.”

  Larry nodded approvingly. “I like that idea,” he said. “Because I’m going to need some help here.”

  Benjamin grinned. “We all do, son,” he said, “no matter how long we’ve been married.”

  Jacob and Sayed nodded in emphatic agreement.

  “And one thing I think we men fall short on is courting our wives,” Benjamin said. “We all know how to court women, but not our wives.”

  Larry narrowed his eyes and looked intently at Benjamin, curiosity piqued.

  “But the most important courting period is after you’ve already won her affection,” Benjamin said. “And if you want lasting mutual intimacy…” He raised his eyebrows to underscore his point. “…then it begins long before you’re in the bedroom.”

  Sheldon creased his forehead and leaned his arms on the table, a question on his face. “What do you mean?”

  “Talking to her, listening to her,” Benjamin said. “Talking with her, spending time with her. Telling her she’s beautiful.” He shook his head. “And I don’t mean foreplay. Women know when you’re just saying something to get what you want. I’m talking about at random times,” he said. “Like when she’s in the middle of cooking or sending her a text when you’re at work.”

  There was a thoughtful silence at the table.

  “And give her a hug every day before you leave and every day as soon as you walk in the door. I don’t care how long you’ve been married,” he said. “That never gets old.”

  “Even if she’s pissed at you?” Larry said in doubtful humor.

  “Especially if she’s pissed at you,” Benjamin said, certainty in his voice. “And even if you’re upset with her.”

  “But isn’t that kind of disingenuous?” Larry said. “Like you’re just going through the motions?”

  Benjamin furrowed his brows. “Tell me something, son,” he said as he regarded Larry. “Do you think you’ll stop loving your wife every time you disagree with her?”

  Larry chuckled. “Of course not.”

  “Then there’s nothing disingenuous about showing affection when you’re upset,” Benjamin said. “You don’t have to retract anything you said during the argument, or apologize for something you’re not really sorry about,” he clarified. “And you don’t have to claim to agree with her on anything you genuinely disagree with. But you do need to let her know you love and care for her no matter what.”

  Larry nodded, indicating that he understood. “That makes sense.”

  “But what if the love dies?” Jacob said. Benjamin frowned, and Jacob could tell he didn’t like the question. But Jacob really wanted to know. He doubted anything like that would happen with Aliyah. But it had happened with Deanna, and he didn’t want it to ever happen again. “What do you do then?” Jacob heard a slight challenge in his own tone, but he had raised his voice only to emphasize the validity of the question.

  “I’ll tell you something I heard my sheikh say once,” Benjamin said, compassion in his countenance as he looked at Jacob. “A marriage can survive without love, but not without mercy.”

  Jacob and the other men nodded, as if in deep reflection.

  “You have a sheikh?” Jamil said, disbelieving humor in his tone as he looked at Benjamin.

  Larry exhaled in a single breath, ann
oyance in that sound. “Can we not do this tonight, man?” He was looking at Jamil with an impatient plea on his face. Jacob tensed, having feared that Larry would bump heads with Jamil before the end of the night.

  “I think it’s good,” Jamil said quickly. “I’m just surprised, that’s all.”

  Benjamin squinted his eyes in confusion. “Why are you surprised?”

  Jamil lifted a shoulder in a shrug. “Because Salima’s always saying how we don’t need a sheikh to understand Islam.”

  “That’s not what she said,” Larry said, raising his voice defensively. “She said we don’t need to give allegiance to a sheikh in order to follow Islam. Everybody has to learn Islam from the people of knowledge,” he said. “Even if you only learn from books, they’re written by scholars.”

  “I think what we’re trying to say is,” Jacob said, his voice subdued in an attempt at a peaceful resolution, “everyone is responsible for their own soul, and you can’t hand that responsibility over to anyone, no matter how knowledgeable they are. It’s too dangerous,” he said. “Learn Islam wherever you can find authentic information, but make Allah and His Messenger, sallallaahu’alayhi wa sallam, the only ultimate authorities in your religious life.”

  “What marriage advice do you have for us tonight?” Benjamin said, looking at Jamil in an obvious attempt to diffuse the situation.

  Jamil contorted his face and waved his hand dismissively. “I don’t h—”

  “You sent your brother love earlier,” Benjamin reminded him, his voice gentle but firm in letting Jamil know he wasn’t going to wriggle his way out of this one. “So let’s hear some of that love translated into naseehah,” Benjamin said. “It’s his right.”

  Jamil frowned, but it was apparent that he was affected by Benjamin’s words.

  “Tomorrow is your sister’s waleemah,” Benjamin continued, “and her husband invited us here tonight to hear our words of advice and support. Let’s hear yours.”

  Silence permeated the room for several seconds.

  “Don’t hurt her, man,” Jamil said finally, slight frustration in his voice. But he wasn’t looking at Larry. “She’s already been through hell, and it’s not fair to put her through that again.”

  Larry nodded humbly. “I’ll do my best, insha’Allah,” he said, sincerity in his tone.

  “And don’t divorce her either,” Jamil added, an intense expression on his face as he looked at Larry. “We lawyers know how to punish men who hurt women,” he said, wry humor in his tone.

  Jacob wanted to ask if they also punished women who hurt men, but he held his tongue. He didn’t want to make tonight any tenser for his brother than it already was.

  “I’d say play with the children and spend time with them whenever you can,” Sheldon said, his lighthearted tone a sharp contrast to Jamil’s. “I don’t have any children yet,” he said with a chuckle. “But that’s something I always saw my father do, even when he was busy with the farm.”

  Larry nodded appreciatively, and Jacob sensed it wasn’t only because of the advice itself. Sheldon’s kind words had cut through the tension and revived the brotherly atmosphere.

  “Don’t lose yourself in your love for her,” Jacob said, a half smile on his face as he looked at his younger brother. “I know it’s hard when you’ve finally found the one. But you have to love yourself too, bro,” he said. “And remember, she wants you to be the man of the house more than she wants you to be her man.”

  A proud smile creased the sides of Benjamin’s mouth. “I second that,” Benjamin said. “Being a kind and compassionate husband should never be at odds with you being the leader of the family.”

  “But that’s a hard one for women nowadays,” Matt said, a humored expression on his face as he shook his head. “You mention something like leader or man of the house and they run.”

  The men chuckled in agreement.

  “They don’t run,” Benjamin said, a smile lingering on his face. “They argue with you,” he said. “There’s a difference.”

  “Not to me,” Matt said in lighthearted humor.

  “Then don’t make it a point of conversation,” Benjamin said simply. “Make it a fact of life. If we’re living as real men who are leaders of our families, then we don’t have to talk about our role. It’ll just be a natural reflection of the culture we’ve created in our homes.”

  “I don’t know…” Matt said, an uncertain grin on his face. “Women still don’t like it.”

  “Then maybe those women are thinking of things in the context of abuse and oppression,” Benjamin said. “But no woman wants a boy as a husband. She wants a man.” He huffed, humor in that sound. “She’ll try to get her way whenever she can,” he said. “But she doesn’t want someone she can push around. She respects you most when you stand firm on what you know is right, even if she disagrees from time to time.”

  Benjamin paused as he regarded Matt curiously. “What’s your advice for us, son?”

  Matt smiled self-consciously and shook his head. “I kind of feel like Jamil,” he said. “I don’t know what I can add.”

  “Anything,” Benjamin said.

  “Then I guess all I can say is stay prayerful, man,” Matt said as he looked at Larry. “Like they say, a family that prays together stays together.”

  Larry nodded gratefully. “Insha’Allah,” he added.

  The men were quiet for some time, and a couple of them glanced in Sayed’s direction.

  “Mabrook, akhi,” Sayed congratulated Larry. “BaarakAllaahu laka wa baarak ‘alayka wa jama’a baynakumaa feek khayr,” he added then translated. “May Allah bless you and shower His blessings upon you and join you both together in goodness.”

  “Ameen,” the men uttered in unison.

  “Thanks for the prayer, man,” Larry said, humor in his tone. “But you still need to give me some advice.”

  Sayed chuckled. “I was getting to that,” he said.

  “Good,” Larry said jokingly. “Because I know you’re over there sitting on generations of sacred knowledge.”

  “We’re all struggling in this world, akhi,” Sayed said humbly. “But it’s true that my people have had Islam in their country for centuries. And I think the only thing that makes us experts in is having made more mistakes.”

  “Then share with us what you’ve learned,” Larry said. “I’m not trying to go into this reinventing the wheel. Share the knowledge.”

  Sayed nodded, a pleasant expression on his face. “I can only speak from my own opinion, not from any religious scholarship or authority. But I believe the most important advice for the practicing Muslim couple is to make Islam the foundation of your marriage.” He paused before adding for emphasis, “Not your focus.”

  Everyone grew quiet in discomfort and uncertainty, and even Benjamin had a puzzled expression on his face. “You’re going to have to explain that one for us,” Benjamin said, chuckling. “I’m not following.”

  “Well, tab’an, if you’re both practicing Muslims, Islam is most important to you, right?” Sayed said, nodding his head toward Larry.

  “Yes, of course,” Larry said with a nod.

  “And this is your greatest strength, no doubt,” Sayed said. “But it can also become your greatest weakness if you forget that marriage is more about focusing on getting to know the person you’re with versus focusing on the Islamic ruling for this or that,” he said. “I suppose it’s like what Brother Benyameen was saying about the man being the leader. Islam isn’t something you should have to talk about so much as live. When marriage becomes an argument about your Islamic rights, then you’ve lost the focus on getting to know each other as human beings. And now you’re just two people on opposite ends of a religious debate.” He shook his head. “I just don’t think marriage should ever be like that. That’s why I say Islam is the foundation, not your focus.”

  Benjamin nodded. “I think I understand what you’re saying. But maybe the word you’re looking for is obsession and not focus,” he su
ggested.

  “Mumken,” Sayed said, nodding. “Maybe that is a better word.”

  “Because I think Islam should be our focus,” Benjamin said. “But not something we obsess over to prove a point, or to guilt someone into doing what we want.”

  “Aslan,” Sayed agreed.

  “What I hear you saying,” Jacob said to Sayed, “is that Islam should never be used as a tool of spiritual abuse or a shortcut to getting your way while ignoring the nuances of your relationship and the personality of the person you’re married to.”

  “Exactly,” Sayed said. “And if you’re truly following Islam,” he added, “your faith will bring peace to your marriage, not friction.”

  ***

  “I heard he’s remarrying his ex-wife,” Nikki said from where she held Bushra on her lap as she sat on the floor of Aliyah’s living room amongst the other women. “Is that true?”

  Salima shrugged. “That’s what it looks like,” she said non-committedly.

  Aliyah sensed that Salima was uncomfortable with the shift in conversation. Salima had hoped that starting the night with poetry would liven up the evening and create a natural flow of conversation. She had told Aliyah that she was hoping for something that bonded the sisters and helped them offer each other advice on life and marriage.

  Initially, Aliyah had offered to host a henna party that night. But Salima had declined, suggesting that Aliyah host Muslim Marriage Monologues instead. Because the reddish brown color didn’t show up well against her complexion, Salima rarely wore henna and didn’t want an entire sisters wedding party centered around something in which she herself found little interest. She’d said she tried the black henna once or twice but didn’t feel comfortable dyeing the unnatural version into her skin.

  “But I support my brother in whatever decision he makes,” Salima said in an obligatory tone, and Aliyah wondered what she could say to change the subject seamlessly.

  “Whatever happened to Jasmine though?” Nikki said. “Juwayriah said she was trying to get with Jamil now.”