Closing Books (Ghost Of The Past)

by Trisha Grace

  She took in a ragged breath as the door clicked close. She staggered to the wall just as her legs lost all their strength.

  With her back against the wall, she crumpled onto the floor. Tears streamed down her face while her hands cupped tightly over her mouth. She forced herself to breathe through her nose and soften her cries.

  No one else was in the house. No one would hear her cry. It was simply a habit ingrained in her.

  She didn’t grow up with the notion that wailing would bring about help and kind attentions from adults. Since she could remember, being seen crying was a sign of weakness, and any sign of weakness would make her a target.

  She gasped and drew in small, rapid breaths, wiping away her tears. This is better for everyone. She repeated that thought over and over again in her head. She wasn’t suitable for a relationship, and it was never going to work anyway.

  Even if she did tell him everything about her past, she couldn’t expect him to accept her when she couldn’t give him the future he desired.

  Her hands dropped and she wrapped her hands across her abdomen. Again, she made herself breathe and calmed herself down.

  She shut her eyes and drew in a shaky breath.

  Stop crying. Crying doesn’t solve anything. She tried shoving all her feelings into a box and throwing it away, like she had done so many times when she was in the foster system.

  There was no point crying, no one would help her.

  There was no point feeling sad, nothing would change.

  But she couldn’t.

  She pulled her legs against her chest and hid her face between her knees as a new wave of hopelessness crashed against her.

  A whimper escaped her throat and she immediately silenced herself.

  Slowly, the palpitations faded. She picked herself off the floor and staggered back onto her couch. Picking up her cell phone, she called the only comfort she had left.

  “Hey, Eve, feeling better?”

  She didn’t answer Kate. She cleared her throat softly, making sure that her voice wouldn’t break before she asked, “Would you come over and stay tonight?”

  “I’ll be there in half an hour.”

  She hung up the phone without saying goodbye and pulled her fleece throw over her shoulders. It wasn’t a cold night. In fact, it was a warm, stuffy summer night, a night where even the occasional breeze brought nothing to relieve the heat within the house. Still, she couldn’t help shivering.

  As she lay on the couch, she stared at the cell phone in front of her. Frustrated, she picked it up and sent the phone flying across the room. The phone smashed against the wall and fell heavily onto the floor. Turning her head away, she tossed onto her side and squeezed her eyes shut.

  Though the phone wasn’t the cause of her problem, lately, it had become a reminder of how she’d never have a happily-ever-after that she was beginning to yearn.

  She never imagined herself needing such a frivolous thing. To her, survival was the only thing she needed. She’d always worked to make sure she earned enough so that she would never require any help. Everything she’d done in life was to make sure she could survive on her own.

  But nowadays, with each call came the reminder of what she could never have with Dan, and with each call came a new injection of despair.

  When Evelyn heard the keys, she pushed the throw from her face. She forced a smile when she saw Kate standing alone in her apartment. The last thing she needed was Tyler seeing her in such a state. “You’re alone.”

  “He walked me to the door and left after I came in. What’s wrong?”

  She looked away from Kate, staring at the lone black heel she had kicked aside while she sat up straight, making room for Kate.

  “I don’t know…” She gasped and shook her head. “I don’t know.”

  This was what she wanted right from the start, for Dan to know they would never be more than just friends.

  Now that she had gotten what she wanted, she couldn’t ignore the ache in her heart. “It’s over. It’s really over.”

  Then she felt the heavy droplets of tears on her thighs as Kate scooted closer to her, gently rubbing her back.

  “I’m so sorry, Eve.”

  Dan took a swig of his beer and scanned through the channels, trying to find something to occupy his mind. He wasn’t paying attention to anything on the screen, he just wanted to vent on something and the incessant pressing of his remote control was rather therapeutic.

  The ache in his heart had faded and was replaced with frustration. He should have headed to the gym to vent it off instead of sulking at home, but he didn’t feel like going anywhere so the buttons on the remote control would have to bear his vexation.

  He couldn’t get over what a complete idiot he was.

  Why did he even bother turning up at her apartment? Why couldn’t he stop worrying about her when he heard about her gastric?

  He should have known it was going to end this way, it always did.

  How could he still be deceived into thinking that her smile was evidence of her missing him? Her sweet smile, revealing a hint of nervousness, was nothing but a fragment of his imagination.

  Sighing, he took another gulp of beer before tossing the empty bottle into the nearby trashcan.

  Until an hour ago, he would still swear that he could see the feelings Evelyn had for him. He was sure of the yearning he saw in her eyes, and he was certain she felt the same way about him.

  Now, he realized he was merely seeing what he wanted to see. He was merely pulling things out of nowhere to convince himself of what he wanted so much to be true.

  The more he thought about what happened, the more idiotic he felt.

  When she had told him to leave, all Dan wanted was to talk to her, to ask what was wrong, and to make her feel better. But he knew Evelyn wouldn’t entertain him. If he hadn’t left, she would start screaming at him to do so in the next second.

  Even when he was standing at the door, he had paused and hoped that Evelyn would change her mind and ask him to stay, only to have his heart crushed by her silence.

  On his drive back, a new sense of determination rose.

  Evelyn wasn’t ready, and he was beginning to doubt if she ever would be.

  His thoughts were interrupted by the doorbell rang. He groaned, then chose to ignore it.

  But whoever was outside wasn’t cooperating. Whoever it was, he or she wasn’t giving up.

  With an annoyed sigh, he got off the couch and opened the door, ready to unleash some of his peevishness.

  “Hey!”

  “What are you doing here?” Dan asked as he peered over Ryan’s shoulder. “You came here alone? How did you get up the steps?”

  Looping his hand over Dan’s shoulder and using him as a crutch, Ryan leaned onto Dan and half-hopped his way in.

  “Tyler dropped me off, then I got up the steps on my own. He thinks I’m Superman. That guy didn’t even bother to help me get out of the car. The whole ‘new Tyler’ thing only exists when Kate is around.”

  Dan laughed at Ryan’s ramble. “Did he kick you out? You should’ve asked Marianne or Mr. Sawyer to drive you over,” he said while helping Ryan to the couch.

  “Kate went over to Evelyn’s house. Though he was too idiotic to bother with helping me up the stairs, he’s smart enough to know that he isn’t the perfect candidate to come and talk to you. So, here I am.”

  “Don’t be so proud of yourself. I’m sure you got assigned the task due to the lack of other available candidates.”

  Ryan gave him a mock punch, picked up the remote, and proceeded to change the channel. He sighed as he lazed against the couch. Lifting one of his legs onto the coffee table, he asked, “Beer?”

  “You treat every one of our house as your own, don’t you?”

  Ryan gave him a quick brow raise and went back to scanning the channels.

  Dan went into the kitchen and came back with two beers in his hands, handing one to Ryan.

  They sat and wa
tched the television quietly until Ryan said, “So what happened with Evelyn?”

  “It’s over.”

  “When did it start?” Ryan asked with a smirk.

  Dan made a sound between a grunt and a laugh.

  “Look, I never understood what’s with you and Evelyn. Why are you playing this merry-go-round with her?”

  Dan sighed and took a mouthful of beer. Ryan was the last person he wanted to discuss the topic of love with. Relationship wise, Ryan was a complete opposite of him.

  “I know she’s hot and all.”

  Dan rolled his eyes and continued before he had to punch Ryan. “She’s different from everyone I know.”

  “If you’re talking about Joanne and your parents, then yeah, of course she’s different.”

  “It isn’t just that. I just want her to get over whatever happened in the past, I want to make things better for her. She’s more than the person she lets the world see.”

  “So, it’s a damsel in distress situation?”

  “No. She doesn’t need me to take care of her, but I want to. I don’t know, we’re…we’re good together. When she lets her guard down, we have so much fun,” Dan said, thinking back on the times they’d spent together.

  He remembered the silly jokes they made, how she’d laugh over everything he talked about; a genuine laughter, unlike the polite smile she always had on her face. Sometimes when they were together, he’d look into her eyes, and he could see beyond the dark brown eyes and feel the pain she had buried within.

  Though he didn’t know the details of what happened in her past, all he could think about was to protect her and tell her that he would never leave her alone to deal with anything.

  “If it helps, I think she feels the same. Her eyes always light up when she’s talking to you. With Kate, she seems comfortable. With you, she seems happy.”

  “So it’s not just me who thinks that.”

  “What is she afraid of?”

  “The damn secret that Evelyn refuses to tell. The same damn secret that Kate is guarding for her.”

  “Hmmm, maybe I can help you charm it out of Kate.”

  Dan had to laugh. “I’m pretty sure that unless Evelyn allows it, Kate is going to carry the secret to her grave.”

  “But she loves me.”

  Dan continued laughing, and after struggling for a while, he finally managed to reply. “Someday, Ty will kill you over this Kate-loves-me thing.”

  “So, it’s really over now?” Ryan asked.

  “Yes.” The same determination he had felt when walking out of Evelyn’s house rose again. “Yes,” Dan repeated, though this time, even as the word left his lips, he wondered how Evelyn was doing. “Kate is over at Evelyn’s?”

  “Tell you what,” Ryan said with a pat on Dan’s back. “As your friend, I’m going to pretend that you never asked that question. It’s my way of helping you get over her.”

  Ryan was right. Kate would be with her anyway. It was high time he stopped worrying about her. She was the one who wanted nothing to do with him.

  Chapter Six

  The next morning, the atmosphere at breakfast was awkward. Besides Marianne, all the ladies were missing that morning.

  Dan could feel Marianne’s gaze flickering onto him every couple of minutes, seemingly waiting for him to say something.

  It wasn’t possible to keep anything a secret from the group; everyone knew what had happened and no one knew what to say about it.

  Even Marianne was being more subdued than usual, giving him a break, and not bugging him about what was going on.

  Maybe this time, everyone could sense that things between Evelyn and him were truly over.

  “Kate! Good morning!” Ryan exclaimed.

  Tyler swiveled around. “I thought you said you’d call me to pick you up?”

  “She finally fell asleep and I was tired, so I just called a cab.” She pulled out the chair next to Tyler’s and sat.

  Dan hadn’t realized he was staring at Kate until her eyes met his.

  “You were at Evelyn’s?” he asked before remembering that he wasn’t supposed to care.

  Kate pursed her lips into a thin line and twirled the pendant around her fingers. “I can’t. I can’t be on both your sides at the same time. I’m all she has.”

  Trying to be understanding of Evelyn’s closely guarded secret was vexing enough, but not being able to get an answer to his simple question compounded his frustrations further. “I just wanted to make sure she was okay. Do you have to be so difficult about it?”

  The uncomfortable silence that was lingering got heavier and everyone had a sudden newfound interest in the food on their plates.

  “Remember whose house you’re in,” Tyler stated with as much annoyance as Dan had expressed with his question. “Vent your frustrations on someone else.”

  “I tried to be patient, I tried to be understanding. But seriously, does everything about her have to be a secret? What the hell is so scary that she can’t get over after so many years?” Dan said, louder than necessary.

  Kate got to her feet and turned away from them, moving to leave the kitchen.

  Immediately, Tyler got up alongside her. He reached over and grabbed her arm. His head shook slightly. “This is your house; you don’t have to leave.”

  “I’m leaving because I don’t want to fight with him.”

  “Have you lost your ability to speak your mind, too?” Dan uttered under his breath and shook his head.

  Tyler turned his head toward him and said, “Dan, get out.”

  Though the words were spoken in an even tone, Dan knew it was a command. He placed his utensils down and was ready to leave, when Kate turned back to face him.

  “No, it’s fine. You want me to speak my mind? You judge her based on your experience. All you have to deal with in life is manipulative women. Eve would’ve given her soul to the devil to exchange her childhood with yours. You can make the decision to end things with her, but you have no right to judge her.”

  Dan stared blankly at Kate. The usually sweet, amiable Kate morphed into a mother hen in an instant. Though her words were harsh, it was nothing compared to the seriousness he saw in Kate’s eyes.

  He’d never seen her fly into such rage, not even when Lydia almost killed her.

  He had been frustrated with Evelyn for keeping her secret, for behaving the way she did. But seeing how worked up Kate was at the mention of what had happened to Evelyn was making him wonder if he’d taken for granted his childhood and expected too much of Evelyn.

  This wasn’t how he’d intended to start his day. He couldn’t believe he let himself get out of control like this.

  He got up and stepped away from the table. “I should go, or Ty will throw me out anyway.” The last thing Dan had wanted was to upset Kate. He should have just kept his mouth shut. So much for being done with Evelyn.

  Over the next few days, Dan found himself having too much free time on his hand. Without the long dinners at the mansion, he found himself thinking too much about everything.

  Initially, he distracted himself by fussing over Joanne, checking and double-checking that she had everything she needed for her studies in Paris. Then, he had to deal with his over-dramatic mother when she found out about the news.

  After sending Joanne to the airport, he turned his attention to work; working harder than ever, both at work and at his current gym.

  He’d thought he was succeeding in putting Evelyn out of his mind until he found himself rushing to pick up every call, hoping it was Evelyn. Of course, he was sorely disappointed.

  One of those calls, however, was from Ryan, asking him out for lunch.

  As he made his way into the restaurant for lunch with Ryan and Joseph, Dan could see the apprehension on their faces. “I’m fine. Is Kate still angry?”

  “She regretted it almost as soon as you left, but we all backed her up. You shouldn’t have vented your anger on her,” Joseph stated matter-of-factly.

&
nbsp; “But we get it. This thing with you and Evelyn is eating at you,” Ryan added. “At least, it’s over.”

  Yes, at least it is over.

  The past week had been quiet. He didn’t offer any news of himself, and neither did he receive any news of Evelyn. It was a good thing that the chapter with her had finally ended.

  “So you guys are really over?” Joseph asked.

  “Yeah,” Dan answered.

  “So anyway, we’ve signed the lease for the gym. Thanks again for helping us find the place,” Joseph said.

  “And, I’ve got a friend joining us for lunch. I’m thinking of getting her to teach some yoga classes at the gym,” Ryan said.

  Dan shrugged. “Sure.”

  Just as they were about to order, a long-legged, tanned, and extremely well-toned brunette walked toward their table.

  Ryan waved his hand to get her attention. “Hey, Chris! I’d get up to give you a hug, but it would be a long and difficult affair.”

  She waved him off, then took a quick glance at Joseph and Dan. With a broad smile, she took the guys’ hands as Ryan introduced her.

  Dan then pulled out the chair for her, bringing about a look of surprise from Christine.

  “Thanks,” she said and sat. “Not many guys pull out the chair for women anymore.”

  “That’s because I don’t want to insult you. I’m sure you’re more than capable of pulling out your own chair,” Ryan said.

  “Yeah, right.”

  After ordering their food, Ryan immediately dove into the discussion of the plan for the new gym.

  While Ryan, Joseph, and Christine discussed work, Dan immediately saw the similarity between Christine and Evelyn. She was candid and frank, speaking things as they were. This, in turn, allowed Ryan to get straight to the point, settling their cooperation before lunch was over.

  “So, Dan, will you be there at the gym as well?” Christine asked when her discussion with Ryan and Joseph ended.

  “Yeah, I think I’m in line to be the first customer.”

  “Good, so I’ll see you around.”

  He smiled politely, saying nothing else.