Secrets: The Complete Collection

by H. M. Ward

  He whispers in my ear. “I want you so badly. You have no idea how much.”

  I moan, and stay there for a second, feeling him push against me. My heart’s hammering in my chest. The thought of Jesse lifting my skirt and fucking me from behind, against the door in public, races through my mind. Oh God. I fumble with my key until the door opens and we stumble inside. His arms wrap around me as his tongue finds my mouth. Jesse kisses me harder and I let him. I don’t hold back.

  The apartment is empty. Emma left for the night to give me time alone with Jesse. His hand grips my thigh as I slide my leg up. His fingers press into my flesh between the garters and stockings. I lean into him, kissing him harder, forcing my breasts into his chest. I keep my eyes closed, thinking about nothing except the need in my body and that Jesse is there for me. I like him. I want him. This will be good for both of us.

  Jesse’s hand cups my bare ass, and I moan into his mouth. My hands find his tie and loosen it from his neck. I slowly work at his buttons as we kiss and peel his shirt away, stripping him in the living room. The curtains are open, but it’s dark inside. I’m confident that no one can see in unless they press their face to the window.

  Jesse pushes me away. Breathless, he says, “I think we need to see the lace that started all of this.”

  I grin wickedly and unzip the back of the dress. It falls to the floor in a quick swoosh and I’m standing there in a sheer lacy bra, with thick lace garters where panties would be, thigh highs, and fuck-me heels. Jesse’s eyes rove over my body and his hands soon follow. The lace garter belt sits right at my hips. If I part my legs, he’ll see everything, and have open access to all of me.

  Jesse lifts me and moves me to the couch. My legs wrap around him as he trails kisses down my neck and to my breast. I close my eyes, wanting to get lost in lust, but I see Cole’s face. My eyes snap open. I won’t do that. I won’t have sex with one guy and pretend he’s another.

  Jesse feels me stiffen. “Are you okay, Anna?” His hands are behind my back, his lips gently pressing to the lace of my bra, teasing my nipples.

  I nod and he continues, but I’m not okay. As Jesse’s hands move over me, I notice how different they feel. I keep comparing him to Cole. It doesn’t matter if my eyes are open or closed, I see Cole. In one last desperate attempt to get Cole out of my head, I lift Jesse’s face to mine and press my lips to his. The kiss deepens and I hold him tightly to my body. His fingers splay on my face as he kisses me back. When Jesse rocks his hips against mine, and I feel his hard length though his pants, my façade cracks. I suck in a jagged breath and push him back. Jesse is panting. His body is covered in a thin sheen of sweat. Desire darkens his eyes, but when Jesse looks at me, he sees it.

  Instead of saying something, he kisses my forehead and lies down next to me.

  After a few minutes, I say, “I’m sorry. I’ve been leading you on and I—”

  Jesse sits up and presses his fingers to his temples. His words are right—they’re the words a gentleman should say—but his tone is off. He sounds scolding instead of understanding. He doesn’t look at me as he speaks. “No, don’t say that. Never apologize for this.” Jesse releases the death grip on his head and stands, running his hands through his hair. He takes a deep breath and looks at me.

  “I thought I could,” I try to explain things to him. “I thought if it was going to be anyone, that it’d be you.”

  He turns and looks at me sadly. “So did I. You’re beautiful, Anna. Everything I ever wanted—the bombshell body and the brains. I hoped that I’d be the guy who got you over him, but I see that isn’t going to happen.” His tone shifts from hopeful to angry. It’s horrible. I don’t know what to do, but it turns out that I don’t have to do anything. Jesse grabs his things and leaves without a backwards glance.

  CHAPTER 10

  After that dreadful moment, I pull on my dress and sit on the couch, staring at the wall like it’s a TV. I’m such a mess. I can’t even hook-up with a guy who’s nuts about me without messing it up. Why did I have to say something?

  I can’t stand to sit home. I pull my dress back on and walk down to the bar. This time I order a shot and just sit there, staring at it like it has the power to reveal some hidden message that I’m just too thick to understand. The door opens and I feel the cool night air travel across the room and slip over my skin. The sleeveless dress doesn’t do much to keep me warm, but it does lift my ego. I’ve had three attempts at my number since I walked in. Mental note to self; next time I want meaningless sex, borrow Emma’s dress and walk around commando. It’s like the guys have X-ray vision and know I’ve got nothing on. Actually, this is weird for me and the no-panties-thing wasn’t on purpose, either. When I went to put on the bra, the panties were missing. They weren’t more than a scrap of fabric, but I didn’t have anything else that would look right under the lace garter, so I went without. Those were my favorite pair of panties. They fit perfectly and showcased my ass, making it look model perfect. I asked Emma if she’d seen them, but I must have left them at Ma’s house with some of my other laundry.

  I cross my legs and raise the glass to my lips. Finally, I tip it back. The amber liquid slides down my throat, burning a hot wake in its path. I take a breath and order another. My process repeats. I have no intention of becoming a drunk. I won’t order another drink after this shot, so I sit with it longer, allowing the buzz from the first shot to penetrate my foul mood.

  I don’t know what I’m upset about. So, I couldn’t sleep with Jesse. That just means I’m not a slut, right? Wrong. That voice in the back of my head won’t shut up tonight. I stare at the bar top. The lights gleam off the shiny surface.

  I want my life to change, but I don’t make changes. I keep doing the same thing. I feel eyes on the side of my face, but I don’t look up. It’s another guy wanting my number. I should just tell them that I’m a panty-less fraud, but he’d stop listening at panty-less. I cross my legs tighter, hooking my heel to the back of the stool. I don’t look up. Instead, I trace the glow of the light on the bar top with my fingernail, while I keep my other perfectly manicured hand on the shot glass.

  The guy sits next to me and it isn’t until he orders that I notice who he is. His voice drips over my body like liquid seduction. He has the ability to stir something deep inside of me that makes me hot all over. I don’t turn. I don’t look at him. I hold my legs tighter together and try to ignore the sensations pelting my body.

  Cole glances at me out of the corner of his eye, “Date didn’t go well?”

  “You’re an ass,” I reply, still not looking at him. If I turn my head, if our eyes connect, there’s no way I’ll be able to live through it. I’ll throw my arms around his neck and beg him to take me back. I’m not a prideful person, but I can’t ask him to take me back. I can’t let him know how badly he’s messed with my head.

  “You say that to all the men.” Cole sips his drink. The ice cubes clink together when he places the cup on the bar, empty. Charlie, the bartender, looks at me with questions in his eyes. I look back, willing him to understand that I want Cole to leave me alone, but Charlie doesn’t get it. The bartender refills the drinks and leaves us.

  “No,” I say, “just to you. Did you really have to walk over and give him pointers on getting me into bed? What the hell was that about, anyway?” My skin prickles.

  Cole’s looking at me, his gaze is sliding over my arms and lands on my chest. Cole watches my breasts swell as I breathe, making no attempt to hide it. “Wow. Did the little guy actually say that?” After a second, Cole looks away from me. His tone shifts from condescending to serious. “That’s not what happened, okay? He approached me. I didn’t want to talk to him. On my way out, I went to tell him off and you walked up.”

  “Yeah right. Why would Jesse go talk to you? I was a sure thing, so he goes up to you and says… what?” I can’t even imagine why Jesse would do that. It makes no sense. Irritation shoots through me. I don’t wait for him to answer. I do my shot and
slam it on the bar, before standing, and saying, “You know what? I don’t care.” I turn to leave, but Cole grabs my wrist.

  He holds on tight, like I’ll die if he lets go. “He told me that you love me. He said he might have your body, but your heart is somewhere else, with someone else.” Cole releases my arm and I freeze.

  I can’t move. I speak without thinking, “Why would Jesse say that? Why would he do that?”

  “Because he loves you. He wants you to be happy, even if it isn’t with him.”

  Mortified, I stare at the floor, refusing to meet Cole’s gaze. This can’t be happening. I feel a tremor rock through my body. I feel the cool night air against my hot skin. I feel Cole’s dark gaze burning a hole in the side of my face, but I remain rigid. I can’t move. Neither of us says anything. Neither of us moves. I don’t know if I want the moment to end or drag on forever. Suddenly, I ask, “Are you following me?”

  He nods, “Yes.”

  Shocked, I ask, “Why?”

  “I wanted to tell you something, but I needed to know the answer to something first. I’d walk to your apartment or come in here, hoping to run into you, but I didn’t get lucky until last night.” I don’t respond. I can’t find my voice. My knees are jelly and the fuck-me heels are thinking about making me bend over a stool every time Cole’s voice caresses my ears. “Tonight was different. I didn’t follow you and him. I wouldn’t do that to you. It was a coincidence. I was out with my lawyer going over testimonies for the hearing and your name is on the witness list for Sottero. When I saw it, I lost my mind. Then, I look up and there you are, beautiful and blindingly sexy. God, every man in the room wanted you.”

  “Not every man,” I breathe. “Not the one I want.” My words free me and I can move. I don’t look at him. I step away, expecting Cole to say my name, but he lets me leave. My eyes are on the floor as I walk to the door. Suddenly someone is in front of me. When I glance up, I suck in air, startled to see Cole.

  His eyes lock with mine, pinning me in place. “That’s not true.” My heart rate jumps, but I can’t speak. Cole’s blue eyes are filled with emotion. He moves to touch me and then acts like he thinks better of it. He swallows hard and says, “Every man wanted you. Every man in this room wants you.” My heart is soaring, but I yank it back like a kite caught in a wild wind, fearful that it’ll break apart.

  “Desire isn’t enough. I’m sorry.” I push past him. The bouncer holds open the door. I look into his face and nod, noticing the sheen in his eyes.

  I wrap my arms around my waist and walk faster. It makes my boobs climb up my throat, but I don’t care. I want this night to end. I can’t take another second of it. As tears streak my face, I hear footfalls race up behind me. A hand touches my shoulder, and I whirl around, ready to scream.

  Cole’s breathing hard, like he’d run after me. “How do you feel about me?”

  “I already told you, and I’m not saying it again. No matter how demented you think I am, I have no desire for you to rip my heart out again. Leave me alone, Cole. Go fuck with some other girl’s mind.”

  Cole presses his eyes closed, and his lips crush together. I turn away.

  He doesn’t move. Cole doesn’t follow me. When I hear his voice, I feel it float over me and course through me like Cole is a part of me, “I love you, Anna.”

  CHAPTER 11

  My spine goes straight as I turn slowly, my hands falling to my sides. Shock lines my face. I stare at him. “I didn’t want you pulled into the crap with Sottero. I didn’t want you to think I was wealthy and then find out I had nothing. It felt deceptive. I kept you at arm’s length, telling myself that those were the reasons—that it was to spare you.”

  He’s walking towards me as he speaks. Uncertainty draws his brows together. Cole looks vulnerable. I see it in his hands, in the way he holds his shoulders back, like the weight of his mistakes is crushing him. “But it was a lie. I kept you away because I thought it’d be easier to never have you, than to love you and watch you leave me when you found out that I’d lost everything.”

  “I’m not her—I’m not Sophia.” The wind blows gently, lifting my hair in the breeze.

  “I know, but the fear was there. It’s always there. Everyone who—” he bites his tongue and shakes his head. “No, not everyone. Not you. I pushed you away. Everyone else left. It’s hard. This is hard. I can’t understand what you could possibly see in me. Once the money is gone, no one stays.”

  I stand there, staring at him. My mind is telling me to walk away, to say that he did this to himself. Live with it. But my heart takes control of my body. I step toward him slowly, like a battered cat, skittish and scared. My heart pounds inside my chest, but I won’t release the death grip I have on my arms. Cole watches me, like he knows he lost me; like he knows these mistakes are beyond repair. I stand in front of him, nearly nose to nose thanks to my heels.

  The grip on my arms loosens, and I lean in slowly and say what’s been on my mind for weeks. “I don’t want your money. I want your heart.” I breathe the words, fearful that whatever spell he’s under will crack and I’ll lose him again.

  Before I know what I’m doing, I lean in closer, brushing my lips across his. The sensation’s so light. Heat sears my skin from being so close, from touching his lips with mine. But Cole doesn’t move. The kiss slips across his lips and I nearly step away before his brain catches up with his body. Cole clutches my wrists hard, and he pulls me to his chest. He kisses my face and my cheeks, and finally my lips. My heart pounds harder. I don’t know how this happened, how this night turned out this way.

  Cole breaks the kiss and presses his head to mine. “You have my heart, Anna. You’ve had it this entire time.” He grabs me, pulling me tightly to his body and kisses me harder. His kisses make my head spin. It feels like I’ve lost my mind, that this can’t possibly be happening, but it is. We realize we’re in the street and manage to get back to the apartment. Emma is still out, but will be home soon. We head to my room. Cole pushes the door shut and locks it.

  I stand with my feet slightly apart in these insane heels, feeling the cool air drift between my legs. My skin is so sensitive, I can feel every bit of me. I want his hands on me, I want him in me. I keep thinking this is surreal—that I’ll wake up and Cole will be gone.

  He remains on the other side of the small room with his back to the door. Cole pulls out the desk chair and sits down. “Strip for me, Anna.” His voice is filled with desire. I want to do what he says.

  My face burns when he speaks, but Cole ignores it. Slowly, I move my hips, and arms, taking off my jewelry one piece at a time. I have no idea what I’m doing. I’ve never stripped before, I just move the way my body tells me, knowing how much Cole likes to watch me. After I pull off my last ring, I raise my hand over my head, while the other hand trails down my neck, through my cleavage, and to my navel.

  When I reach around behind me, I unzip the dress slowly, walking toward him as I do it. I’m just out of his reach as I turn and slowly wiggle my body, making the dress slip lower and lower until it hits the floor. Cole’s jaw is tense. He’s straddling the chair and his arms are bulging so much that I think he might break the chair back. I’m wearing sheer black lace, and I know he can see through everything.

  I look at Cole, thinking I’m done, when he says, “Keep going, Lamore. Take all of it off.”

  My heart pounds harder. This is so different from the teenage kisses Jesse was giving me. My heart feels like it’s going to explode in my chest. Every inch of me is tingling, wanting to be touched, but Cole doesn’t move. His eyes drift across my body lazily. If Cole hadn’t confessed that he loves me moments ago, I wouldn’t have been able to tell.

  I run my hands slowly over my body, across my stomach, and over my breasts. I stretch my hands above my head and turn, sashaying my hips as I do so, and bend over to unhook my bra. I hold it out on my finger tip and let it dangle. Cole’s eyes drink me in. He doesn’t look at my face for a long time, and I don’t wan
t him to. I wonder what he’s thinking about as he watches my breasts sway when I remove my stockings one at a time. The last thing I’m wearing is the black lace garter belt. I slip my thumbs under the edge of the fabric and sway my hips back and forth slowly, lowering the piece of fabric until it’s on my ankle. I lean forward, like I’m going to kiss Cole, but I don’t touch him. The muscles in his arms and chest are tense, like he can’t sit there and watch for another second, but I’m not done yet.

  Slowly, I bend at the waist, letting him watch from behind, as I take my impossibly high heels and slip them from my feet. When I’m done, I sigh like I’m bored and stretch, arching my back, forcing my breasts within a breath of his mouth.

  Cole breathes harder. His gaze is hot, searing my body as he looks from my breasts to the place between my legs. I stand in front of him with all my weight on one foot and my hands on top of my head. I mean to sigh, again, but it turns into a moan. I want him so badly. I want him to cover my body in kisses, tie me up, and fuck me until I scream him his name, but Cole doesn’t move.

  I lower myself in front of him. My legs part as I go down, and I look him in the eye. My hands are next to his on the back of the chair, but neither of us touches. “Fuck me.” I say the words slowly, making my lips encase each syllable.

  Cole’s eyes meet mine. They promise ecstasy, but he doesn’t move. I do something crazy, and stay in front of him like that, knowing he can smell my need. I leave one hand on the back of the chair and dip the other below my waist. I stroke my clit a few times and push my fingers inside. I gasp as I do it, my lips parting as I sigh seductively. Cole’s eyes never leave my face. He watches me as I do it and I know it’s made him hard. The bulge in his jeans is all mine.