Dirty Cowboy

by Alycia Taylor

  “I’m sorry,” I said, sincerely. “I’m just frustrated. Why won’t you just tell me what’s wrong?”

  “Why won’t you just let it go?”

  “Because the last time you insisted everything was fine it was three days before I saw you again. I don’t want to have to worry all the whether you’re mad at me or not. Please just talk to me. We talk about everything, don’t we?” In hindsight, that might not have been the right way to put it. She looked at me with that fire spitting out of her eyes and she said, “Apparently not. I heard a lot of things tonight that we’ve never talked about.”

  “Being in jail? Is that it? You’re upset about me shoplifting? It was juvenile hall and I was in middle school. I haven’t ever stolen anything since.”

  “No Ian. I could care less about that,” she said. “They’re waiting and I’m hungry. Everything is fine. Let’s drop it.” She got out of the car and closed the door.

  Shit! I got out and followed her. She was walking with long strides and I almost had to jog to keep up. We got inside and were shown to a big booth. My friends all had pretty good buzzes going by now and they were talking and laughing. Alexa was staring at the menu and I had no fucking idea what to say. After the waitress took our orders Brock said, “You think Dean can get me in for a session this week?”

  “Probably,” I said, relieved to have something normal to talk about. “Call him and see. If not, let me know and I’ll work out with you one day.”

  “Coach Sievert asked about you the other day,” Mike told me.

  “Oh yeah, where’d you see him?”

  “I ran into him at the mall,” Mike said with a laugh. “He was following his wife around while she shopped. He looked miserable.”

  I laughed; Alexa was now reading the sugar packets. “If you see him again, tell him I said hello. He was the best math teacher I ever had.”

  “True that,” Jeff said. That was his favorite saying. “I loved it when the coaches taught a class. They didn’t give a shit if you could add or subtract, as long as you could carry a ball they’d give you an “A.” Everyone at the table agreed with that except Alexa. She was perusing the dessert menu.

  “That’s probably how you got that scholarship, huh Ian?” Russ said. “You just took all the classes that coach taught.”

  Alexa picked up her head then and said, “What was the scholarship for?”

  I didn’t say anything right away so of course my helpful friend Jeff said, “He was given an academic scholarship to MIT…in the tenth grade.”

  “Yeah, why the hell he hung out with the likes of us is beyond me,” Russ said. I was just wondering that myself.

  “He didn’t hang out with you until high school,” Brock said with a laugh. “Remember, you used to all think he was a little nerd in elementary and most of middle school. I was his only real friend.”

  “Are you guys all having fun at my expense tonight for a reason?” I finally asked.

  “We’re just messing with you,” Brock said, ever the peacemaker. “We watched you fight the other day and realized how good you’ve gotten. We’re jealous.”

  “I’m not jealous,” Jeff said, “Of anything but his girlfriend.”

  “Shut the fuck up, Jeff,” I told him. Alexa had gone back to her reading. She’d found a bottle of Tabasco sauce that looked interesting.

  Our food came and we ate and talked. Alexa just ate, and not much for a girl who claimed that she was starving. When we finished, she finally said yes when I asked her if she was ready to go. She told everyone how nice it had been to meet them and we left. When we got to the car I said, “I’m sober. I can drive.” Without saying a word, she took the keys out of her purse, handed them to me and got into her side of the car. I was getting really annoyed with the silent treatment. It seemed a little juvenile to me. Why not just confront me and get it over with? I got into my side and said, “You’re still not going to tell me what’s wrong?” She didn’t bother answering that. She just sat silently.

  We drove back across with neither of us saying a word. When we got to town and I started to turn towards my apartment she said, “No, I want to go home.” It was a last ditch effort on my part. I was hoping if we were alone, she’d talk to me.

  “Seriously?”

  “Yeah, seriously,” she said. I turned towards her Dad’s, but about halfway there I turned into the parking lot of the park and stopped the car. “What are you doing?” she said.

  “I’m going to take you home, but Alexa don’t I at least deserve to know what it is that you’re angry with me about? I’m going to go home and drive myself crazy trying to figure it out. Please, just tell me so that I don’t have to do that.”

  She looked at me then and I saw disappointment in her eyes where respect used to be. “You had a scholarship…to MIT?”

  “Yeah.”

  “MIT offered you a full scholarship when you were in the 10th grade?”

  “Yes.” It wasn’t something I told people. Telling someone usually required a “why” explanation and I wasn’t up to that.

  “Do you know how rare that is? They are not free with their money at that school. They’re very selective who they let in and who they offer support to. It’s an honor just to be on the list. What are you, some kind of genius?”

  That’s what the school used to tell my mother, before they tired of me. “I’m good at math,” I told her.

  “If they offered you a scholarship when you were fifteen years old, you were a lot better than good. But you didn’t go to MIT because you got expelled from high school your sophomore year? They never let you come back?”

  I hesitated, but knew it was stupid to even consider lying to her. She already knew. She was only clarifying what she’d heard tonight. “Yes, I got expelled and they pulled the scholarship. No, I wasn’t allowed to go back.”

  “What in the world was that bad? What did you get expelled for?”

  “You heard them all talking about it tonight, Alexa. Why are you trying to make me say it?”

  “Because I need to hear it from you. I should have heard it from you already?”

  “When? When we were just hanging out? When we were having sex? Or maybe, at my sister’s funeral?” I know I shouldn’t have said that, but the way she was approaching the whole thing was pissing me off a little bit…or maybe it was all a defense mechanism. She started to reach for the door and I said, “What are you doing?” It was full dark and we were at a city park.

  “I’ll call my dad to come get me,” she said. “You don’t have to talk about this if you don’t want to. I can look at the facts given to me and.”

  “I was on the wrestling team. I was skinny and it didn’t seem to matter what I did, I couldn’t gain weight. I was a great wrestler but I was in the wrong class because of the weight thing. I met a guy who introduced me to performance enhancing drugs.”

  “Performance enhancing? You can’t even say the word?”

  “Steroids, Alexa, okay? Is that what you needed to hear? I was fifteen years old. I was a skinny ass nerd that got his ass kicked at every turn. I found this stuff that miraculously made me big enough that people didn’t mess with me any longer. I didn’t know any better. I took it.”

  “What was it?” she said, still not willing to let it go. She was now looking at me like I was a drug addict.

  “He used to mix us a “cocktail”, he called it. It was testosterone and nandrolone and anastozole.” I told her. “He was the grown-up Adele.

  She raised her eyebrow again and said, “How long did you take them before you got caught?”

  “I don’t know exactly…maybe six months.”

  “Did you go to rehab after that?” Shit! One big miserable life story in one sitting here tonight. I might still punch Jeff in the mouth.

  “For a minute,” I said.

  “What does that mean?”

  “It means that I left early. But, I am not now nor have I ever been an addict. I took the steroids with one specific goal
in mind: to bulk up. I stopped taking them when I got expelled…”

  “Did you win?” she said it so low that I barely heard her.

  “What? Did I win what?”

  “Your wrestling matches. Did you win them…the way you win your fights now?”

  “Yes, I won. But if you’re insinuating that I’m using something now…”

  “I’m not making any assumptions, Ian. But based on the facts of what you told me…you cheated. You cheated, Ian. You cheated all of those guys who were doing it the right way.”

  “Yeah, I did. It was a long time ago though. I was a stupid kid. I paid for it. I lost my scholarship and....”

  “And went on to be the most popular MMA fighter in this and the surrounding counties,” she said as if quoting my BIO. “One day to be a UFC champion it is predicted.”

  “Do I not deserve good things in my future because I’ve made some poor decisions in the past? I was tired of being a nobody. Anything that I have now Alexa, I worked my ass off for it…”

  “Did you?” she asked, doubtfully.

  “Yes!” I said, aggravated as hell. “Yes, I did. I learned my lesson back then, Alexa. Now I do things the good old fashioned way. I go to the gym every day. I run every night. I eat healthy…I’ve been doing it that way for four years now and it hasn’t been easy.”

  “But you cheated and you were okay with that then. Some things are just a part of your personality, I think. You used drugs and you cheated.”

  “What are you saying? You can’t forgive me for making mistakes in my past that have nothing to do with you or now?”

  “I’m saying that I never would have suspected you of using drugs…and I can’t have any respect for a cheater.”

  “But I’m not a cheater,” I said. “I cheated, yes. Everyone cheats sometimes. It’s like shoplifting, everyone tries it. I found out that wasn’t how I wanted to win.” I was getting angry, but I was really trying to keep it in check. Although she was pissing me off, I knew she had a right to be concerned. I wanted to have a relationship with her. These were things that she had a right to know. I wanted her to accept they were in the past though and let us move forward.

  “You decided that after you got caught and arrested.”

  “I always knew I was taking a risk, yes. But I looked at it as: I’m not hurting anyone. I never hurt anyone because of it,” I said.

  “What about all of the guys you beat in the meantime who were doing things the right way? How is your cheating not hurting them?”

  “It’s one of the perils of the business…not knowing who is and who isn’t…”

  “Take me home, please Ian. I don’t want to argue with you anymore. You have your ideas and I have mine.”

  I didn’t argue with her about that. I didn’t want to argue anymore either. What I really wanted was for her to let it go. It was years ago. I somehow knew that she was going to be this upset, but I can’t honestly figure out why it is such a big deal at this point. I started the car and we drove the six blocks to her dad’s house. When we drove up out front she looked at me for a long time and I let myself imagine that she was going to say she’s decided she doesn’t care about any of that. Instead she said, “Thanks.” Then she reached for the door handle and I said, “Is that it? I have no idea where we’re at here. We were doing so well. Alexa, I have real feelings for you.”

  She looked at me again and my chest began to ache. I could see the answer in her pretty green eyes. “I just can’t, Ian. The old saying, “once a cheater, always a cheater,” it means something to me,” she said. She got out of the car and slammed the door.

  BEST FRIEND’S BROTHER #3

  Chapter One

  Alexa

  I stood in the alcove of the front door and watched Ian drive away. This day had started out so good that it was hard for me to believe that it ended so badly. I let myself into the house and I was disappointed to see the light on in the living room. That meant Dad was still up. He always turned the lights off before he went to bed. I stood in the small foyer wiping at my face. I didn’t want my dad to know that I’d been crying. He would just start worrying about me again.

  “Alexa?”

  “Yeah Dad, it’s me,” my voice cracked. Damn it! I heard him get up off the couch, so I just gave up and went in. “Hi Dad, why are you still up?”

  “I was waiting for you,” he said. “I just wanted to make sure that you’re okay. Are you okay?”

  “I’m okay.”

  “You don’t look okay baby, you’ve been crying.”

  “I’m okay Daddy, really. My emotions have just been crazy, you know? They’re all over the place and I cry at the drop of a pin lately.”

  “Come sit with me for a minute,” he said. I didn’t want to. I just wanted to go to my room and be alone. His eyes looked so worried though that I felt bad. I went over and sat on the couch with him. “Where were you tonight?”

  “I went out with Ian. We met some of his friends at the over eighteen club downtown.”

  “Ian’s been around a lot lately.”

  “Yeah…”

  “Are you sure that’s a good idea?”

  No, I wasn’t, obviously. I wanted to hear why he seemed not to though so I said, “Do you not like him, Dad?”

  “It’s not that,” he said. “I don’t really know him. What I’ve heard of him and seen of him…it seems like he and Emma were polar opposites. She was always such a happy girl. She had such a sunny disposition all the time. Ian seems…I don’t know, sulky, brooding…I guess women are attracted to that. I just hate to think of you getting with someone who will bring you down.”

  I had tears in my eyes from when he mentioned Emma, but I laughed through them when he said that about what women are attracted to. “Not all women like that sort of thing, Dad. His brooding is mostly related to the fact that his sister just died. He’s not always like that. He has regular moods just like anyone else. Anyways, you don’t have to worry about it anymore.”

  “Is that why you were crying? Did he do something?” Dad looked like he was going to go after him. It was funny to me how parents lost sight of their own mortality when it came to defending their kids.

  “No, Ian didn’t do anything, Daddy. I just decided that we were spending too much time together. We were both just looking for a way to get past losing Emma and our emotions got all mixed up, I think.” I was saying all of this to my dad because I couldn’t bring myself to tell him about Ian’s past for some reason. I was angry with him, but still protective. It was strange. As I said it though, I realized that maybe it was true, partly. Maybe I had only become so infatuated with him in the first place because of Emma. I had to have seen him before at least some point over the years…but I hadn’t even noticed him until Emma died.

  “Well I know that you need to have someone to talk to about her,” Dad was saying, “But I think you’re right. I’m not sure Ian was the best choice. One person grieving in a relationship is bad; two is a recipe for disaster. If you need to talk to me about anything…”

  I forced a smile. He was trying so hard. I just wasn’t sure what I needed right now. Ian seemed to be the only thing that worked. “I know, Dad. I appreciate it, thank you,” I yawned and said, “I think I’m going to go to bed.”

  “Okay honey. Please let me know if you need anything. I know that I can’t fix this, but it breaks my heart to watch you go through this.”

  I stood up and kissed him on the top of his head. “I will, Daddy. Thank you.”

  I left him sitting worried on the couch and when I got to my room I thought once again how messed up things were. He worries about me because I lost my best friend and I worry about him, worrying about me. Ian and I had been worried about each other, but now I think I put my faith in the wrong person there…I don’t know why life has to be so damned complicated.

  I changed into my night clothes and went into the bathroom and brushed my teeth and washed my face. Sometimes, going through the motions of normalcy
helped. I looked at my face in the mirror and realized that tonight wasn’t one of those sometimes. The stress was still very clearly showing on my face.

  Before I got into bed I looked at my phone. Ian hadn’t texted me or tried to call. I was a little bit surprised about that at first. Maybe I flattered myself, but I thought he would at least text. As I lay down and thought about our conversation and the things I found out tonight I realized that it was probably a sign that I had done the right thing. He doesn’t have any more to add to what I’d heard because I was right. He was a cheater, then and now. His friends all seemed either complacent about it all, or amused. I shut off the lamp and tried to go to sleep but my mind just wouldn’t shut off. It was hours later before my mind finally became too exhausted to continue batting around all of the thoughts that were wandering around in there. I slipped into a dreamless sleep. It was like the sleep of the dead.

  I woke up the next morning when the sun pushed its way through the blinds in my room. They were closed, but the sun was insistent and found any tiny little crack that it could to slip in and assault my eyes. It reminded me of the day I woke up in my dorm room…the day I found out that Emma was dead. Suddenly that wave of grief that always stalked me crashed over my head like a tsunami. My chest physically hurt and before I even knew that I was crying again, the tears were already flowing freely down my cheeks. God, I miss her. She’s the one that I would talk to about things like what happened with Ian. She would either agree with me or she’d set me straight…she was always honest with her advice and opinions. Sometimes I took it and sometimes I didn’t, but we always respected each other. We always loved each other. We always were there for each other.

  I lay there in my bed and sobbed like a baby, soaking my pillow and remembering all of the times when I had a broken heart, all I had to do in order to feel a little better was call Emma. She would talk me through it and restore my self-confidence and having me laughing before it was all over. What was I going to do without her for the rest of my life? I didn’t have other friends like her. The rest of them were just superficial friends. They’re “hang-out” friends. Not Emma. She was the closest thing that I ever had to a sister. I loved her so much and she loved me back. I realized that at least being with Ian had distracted me. I’d been able to carry on with my daily routine because I wasn’t completely focused on losing Emma. Instead I felt like we were keeping her alive in a way by sharing our memories of her. I didn’t even have that now and I had no idea how to carry on alone.