Dirty Cowboy

by Alycia Taylor

  I tried to finish the movie, but I couldn’t sit still. I finally ended up getting dressed and heading out to the gym. I didn’t usually go the night before a fight. The last thing I wanted was an injury that would prevent me from fighting. Especially this fight. It was too important. I had to get out of the apartment though. I would make sure not to overdo it, but I had to do something to work off some of this nervous energy or I’d never get any sleep tonight. There weren’t many people around at the gym at this time of night, so that was good. I liked when it was quiet and I could focus. Too many “Strongmen” and “Gym bunnies” gave it a bar atmosphere that pissed me off when I was trying to seriously work out.

  I started out with some stretches and lunges and then I took out a rope and jumped for about fifteen minutes. I rested for five, got some water and then I moved over to the speed bag.

  I got under the bag and with my hands open and close to the bag, I started hitting in small circles, letting my hand travel in circles through the air between each strike. Right, right, left, left….I got into a rhythm and I did that for about three minutes. I rested for one and did it again for another three. I was about to go again when I heard, “Ian, what the hell are you doing here? You’re supposed to be home sitting on your ass eating pasta.” It was Dean, my trainer. I turned to look at him, knowing I was caught red-gloved. He was a big one for resting the night before a big fight.

  “Hey Dean. Sorry, I was just a little antsy tonight. I needed to clear my head and get some of this energy out or I’ll never be able to sleep tonight. That’ll be worse, right?”

  “I guess. Don’t over-do it though. This is your big chance man. The scouts will be out in full-force. You don’t want to have to cancel it because you pulled a muscle or something stupid.”

  “I know,” I told him. “I’m not going to blow this. I just seriously couldn’t relax tonight.”

  Dean sighed and said, “How about some pad training…light!”

  “Sounds good,” I told him. He went and got the pads while I put on my gloves.

  “Okay, three minutes, alternate hands, go!”

  I hit the pad with a cross then a jab, a hook and uppercut and I switched hands and did it again. I switched up and did the one-two fashion, focusing on striking the pad dead center each time. I went in fast and hard for the last minute, just concentrating on my jabs. When the alarm on Dean’s watch sounded I finished up with an uppercut.

  He had me rest for a full two minutes and then we started again. This time he moved the pads, up, down and side-to-side as I threw the punches. We did another three minute round, a one minute rest this time and we did it again. On the fourth one he said, “This is the last one, then you go home and rest, okay kid?”

  “Yep,” I agreed. I didn’t know about the rest part, but I’d go home. I’ll rest better if I hear from Alexa and I know that all is well with her and her dad.

  I finished the work-out and thanked Dean. He reminded me again how big tomorrow’s fight was. I tried not to get annoyed with him. It was really his night too and if I won, it would be a win for him. He’d been the one that took the time to teach me what I needed to know, going so far as to scare me “straight” about the doping. He’d seen a lot of it before he went to prison and even while he was there. He told me a lot of horror stories about it that gave me nightmares. He was the one that taught me how to take care of my body without putting anything artificial in it. I hoped he knew how much I appreciated all that he’d done for me. If I ever did make it big, I was taking him with me as far as he wanted to go.

  I took a quick shower in the locker room and after I got dressed I let myself check the phone again. Nothing. Damn. I wanted to call her, but I forced myself to leave it alone for now. The last thing I’d want to do is interrupt her in the middle of that conversation. I got in the car and went home. It was late and I really needed to at least try and sleep. I got there, downed another bottle of water and headed for bed. I checked the phone one more time…still no call. I sat it down on the nightstand and took off my shoes and pulled off my shirt. I double checked that the ringer was on and then I lay down. I reached for it again and finally just sent her a text:

  “Hey, sorry to bug. I just wanted to make sure all was okay.”

  I sat there and stared at it. Less than a minute went by and she text back:

  “Everything is fine. Thank you for worrying.” It was followed by a little smiley face. I guess that meant I should stop worrying. I suddenly realized that I was exhausted. A lot of good sex and a little bit of working out makes Ian a tired boy. I settled down into my bed, closed my eyes and was out in minutes.

  Chapter Four

  Alexa

  I realized when the movie ended and I still didn’t go straight home that my “feet dragging” was getting ridiculous. What was I afraid of? Was I afraid that he would say something that had a point to it and make me not be with Ian? Or, did I just really not want to argue with him tonight? I stopped at the ice cream parlor that Emma and I used to go to on our “date” nights and instead of ordering my favorite kind, I ordered hers. I was stalling, but I was also healing. I was beginning to accept that Emma was gone…slowly. I was able to do that without being constantly in tears by doing things like this to keep her memories alive…and talking to Ian about her. Spending time with Ian helped a lot. But that was definitely not all it was about anymore, so I decided that I needed to do things like this on my own.

  I ate my ice cream slowly, taking a short walk as I did. The night was warm and the moon was almost full, if I hadn’t had the problems with Dad on my mind, it would have been really enjoyable. I finally forced myself back to my car and ended up at home. I was about half way there when Ian sent me a text asking if everything was okay. I thought it was sweet that he was worried about me. I told him things were fine, although I hadn’t talked to Dad yet. I was trying to let myself be confident that I would be. I parked the car and noticed the lights were still on. I walked into the house and even though it was late, I wasn’t surprised to find Dad up in the living room…pretending to read. It was what he’d been doing since I was fifteen years old. If I wasn’t mistaken, it was even the same book. He looked up at me as if the time had gotten away from him and said, “Oh, there you are.” He glanced at the clock, not even subtly and said, “I hadn’t heard from you. I wasn’t sure you were coming home tonight.”

  The guilt trip. Good move, Dad. “Sorry. I guess I should have texted. I didn’t mean to make you worry.”

  “Where have you been?”

  Here goes, “With Ian,” I said, taking a seat on the couch. He was in the recliner and he snapped down the leg rest and sat up straight. “I know that you tried to get him to dump me, Daddy. That’s not cool. I thought we were finished with all of this back when I was in high school.”

  He sighed. I could tell by the look on his face that he was pissed…probably at Ian. He had a lot of nerve to do something like that and then be mad at Ian for telling me. He wouldn’t have to worry about it if he would just stop.

  “I didn’t say, “Dump,” he said. “Did he say I said, “dump”? Because if he did…”

  “Stop it, Dad. Stop trying to turn this around on him. You were in the wrong and you know it. You told him to leave me alone, completely. You told him to walk away and break my heart now instead of in the future. You know how much I like him. I don’t know why you would do that.”

  “Because he’s not good for you,” he said. “He is going to break your heart whether it’s tomorrow or next month.”

  I tried to keep my voice steady and not let my emotions get involved in this just yet as I said, “Daddy, I mean no disrespect to you when I say this. I love you and I appreciate everything you’ve done for me, and continue to do for me. But I’m a grown woman. You can’t tell people to stay away from me because you’re afraid I’m going to get hurt. Ian is not Mom. But if by some cosmic twist of fate he turns out to be, getting hurt is part of life and I have to learn how to deal with ge
tting hurt just like any other adult. It’s part of life…part of growing up. What you’re doing is driving a wedge between you and me by trying to control my life. I can’t stand that. You’re making me not want to be here.”

  “I’m doing that?” he said, angrily. “I’m trying to protect you. That’s more than I can say for a man who takes advantage of a girl who is grieving.”

  “He didn’t and is not taking advantage of me! We leaned on each other to deal with losing Emma…but it turned into more than that. He didn’t do anything wrong. I’m not angry with Ian about this. I’m angry with you.”

  “That figures. But that’s okay Alexa, I’m used to it. I figured he’d be a wimp about it and tell you anyways. I bet he just couldn’t wait.”

  “Actually Daddy, he tried not to. He was rude and dismissive and for two days he wouldn’t tell me what was wrong. I wouldn’t leave it alone. He finally broke down and told me and then apologized and felt bad for you. I hope that makes you feel bad. You’re sitting here calling him names and he was defending you and your motives for doing this. It makes me furious.”

  “I will never feel bad for protecting you no matter what I have to do in order to accomplish that. It’s my job.”

  Grr! “Daddy, I’m not sixteen any longer.”

  “I realize that. I know how old you are to the minute. I was there the day you were born and I will be there until the day I die. Even when you’re forty, you will still be my daughter and I will still be concerned with you getting hurt. I won’t ever walk out on you, even if you push me away.”

  “Daddy, if you don’t stop trying to control my life, you are the one pushing me away.” He stood up out of the chair and threw his arms in the air.

  “Fine!” he said. “But tell me something, Alexa…Explain it to me so I can understand…Why would you blindly walk into this relationship knowing that it’s not going to work? Why would you set yourself up to get hurt?”

  “I know no such thing. I like him a lot. He likes me. We get along well. We have a lot in common. Why would you even say that it won’t work? That hurts me.”

  “He makes his living letting people hit him in the face and the head. How long is a human supposed to go through that until it has permanent damage. Have you seen Muhammad Ali lately? He can barely speak, or walk because he’s had so many concussions. They blame it on something else…but look at Mike Tyson. He’s a nut case….” He was reaching, desperate to make me not want to be with Ian…or any man for that matter. What Ian does is even more dangerous than what the old time boxers did. They use their feet and judo and they choke each other…Alexa, he could end up dead in the ring. Then what? Then you go through that heartbreak too on top of losing your best friend. It’s not fair of him to ask that of you!” I suddenly felt very sick to my stomach. I couldn’t believe that he was sitting here trying to convince me that Ian might die to keep me from dating him. He put an image in my head that I was going to have trouble shaking. How desperate was he to keep me a little girl? I think he suddenly realized how harsh he’d been. His face softened a little bit and he said, “Honey, there has always been a black cloud that followed this family around. I’m just so afraid for you.”

  “I’m done with this,” I told him. He was calling after me, but when I got to my room I slammed the door. I didn’t want to hear anymore. His words were ringing in my head…Ian, dead in the ring. I didn’t know whether to be upset or pissed off. As it were, I was both.

  I lay awake most of the night with my father’s words, “He could die in the ring” running through my head. If Emma hadn’t died just over a month ago, maybe I could have laughed it off. But the idea of mortality never really held a place inside of me until recently. Now I think about it probably more than is healthy, and thanks to my overprotective father I was now not only considering Ian’s mortality, but whether or not I wanted to stay with someone who did something so dangerous. Damn him! I spent the night playing out different scenarios in my head. In each scenario, Ian was dead and I was grieving all over again. At one point, I had to get up out of bed and go outside on the back porch for some fresh air. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. All of these thoughts had brought on a panic attack. I remembered the ones I’d had right after Emma died and I wondered…could I really go through all of that again?

  Chapter Five

  Ian

  I woke up the morning after spending the day with Alexa, feeling great. That was good, because today was also my big championship fight. I’d been working towards this day for a long time. I had trained hard for it and pushed my body to its limits over and over again. I’m hoping and praying that tonight all of that would pay off. I took a shower and then I called Alexa. I didn’t think about how early it was until I heard the sleepy sound of her voice when she said “Hello.”

  “Good morning. Did I wake you up?”

  “Um…yeah, I guess so. What time is it?”

  “A little after seven,” I said. “I’m sorry. Did you have a late night talking to your dad?”

  “Not really. I just didn’t sleep very well,” she said. She sounded like something was off.

  “Did the talk go okay? Is he really upset that I told you?”

  “He’s fine, Ian. It went fine. I’m sorry. It’s just so early…”

  “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have woken you up. I just woke up all psyched up about the fight tonight. I wanted to make sure you were going to be there.”

  She hesitated. It was only for a second…but it was there. “Yeah, of course I’ll be there.”

  “Hey babe…you would tell me if something was wrong, wouldn’t you?”

  She sounded like she was trying too hard then as she said, “Yes, I would tell you. Everything’s fine. Like I said, I just didn’t sleep well. I wouldn’t miss your fight though. I will be there with bells on.”

  “Okay,” I said, not convinced that all was “fine.” “Call me later if you want to talk.”

  “Ian, I’m fine, really. You concentrate on your fight and we’ll talk afterwards while we’re celebrating.”

  “Okay. Have a good day, I can’t wait to see you tonight.”

  “Me too,” she said before hanging up. I sat there for a while just looking at the phone. I thought about calling her back and demanding that she tell me what was wrong. Wasn’t that what she would do? I had been hoping to see her today before the fight. Now I was just going to obsess all day about what was wrong. Damn! I really wish we could figure this shit out.

  I did my best to let it go and I went to the gym. Dean walked me through a really light work-out and then we went back to his place and he forced me to eat pasta for lunch. It was good though, and his son, my friend Ronnie was home from school so we spent the rest of the afternoon just catching up and shooting the shit.

  “So how is school going?” I asked him. He had finished his bachelor’s program over the summer term and was just starting his Master’s. He was a smart guy. He would probably be back here running Dean’s business and taking it national before long.

  “It’s good, a lot of work. No time to get laid. My balls are blue and they ache.”

  I laughed. “I thought college was supposed to be all about the party and getting laid.”

  “So did I. What about you? You still doing the off and on with Kristy?”

  “Nah. I finally put a stop to that. That girl has issues.”

  He laughed then and said, “She always has. You couldn’t look past her store bought boobs to see them before. What changed?”

  Dean was walking through the living room when Ronnie asked me that. “He’s in love,” he said.

  I rolled my eyes. “That’s taking it a little far, Dean.”

  “In love, huh?” Ronnie said.

  “Did you just hear me tell your father he was taking it too far? I’m seeing someone. She’s pretty special and I like her a lot. It’s not love…yet.”

  “Whoa, that sounds serious. Where’d you meet this girl?”

  For some reason I didn
’t want to tell him. I think that I was afraid his first thought would be that she was only with me or I was only with her because of Emma, I guess. I couldn’t think of a good lie though, and I’d promised Alexa I was going to stop doing that anyways.

  “She was Emma’s best friend.”

  “Alexa? Hot red-head with the….”

  “Don’t say it!”

  He laughed, “Man, Dad wasn’t exaggerating. You are in love, aren’t you?”

  I stood up. “Well it was nice catching up with you man but I have to get going.”

  “Avoidance. He doesn’t want his friend to talk about his girl’s shapely ta-ta’s. He says he’s not in love… “Yet.” All the classic signs.

  “Fuck you, Ronnie.”

  “Man, it’s been so long I’d almost take you up on that.” I couldn’t keep a straight face on that one. I smiled and said, “You should be so lucky, man. I have to go. This conversation has gotten way out of hand.”

  “Alright man. I’ll see you tonight. Good luck.”

  “Thanks.” I left there with Dean and Ronnie’s words ringing in my head. “Love?” It was way too soon for that, wasn’t it?

  Chapter Six

  Alexa

  After I talked to Ian, I lay there in bed for a long time, just thinking about everything. Dad was right in a way, anything could happen. What happened to Emma was proof of how short life was. There were two ways I could take that, I guess. I could not live it because I’m constantly worried about losing it, or someone that I care about. Or I could realize that since it is so unpredictable, and you never knew how long you would have…maybe I should live it to its fullest.

  I evaluated what living it to its fullest meant to me. I wasn’t the type that wanted to scale a mountain or jump out of an airplane. What I was the type to do…was fall in love and risk ending up with a broken heart. I wanted Ian. I wanted a relationship with him and if that works out the way I hoped, maybe a life. I snuggled back down into the blankets and fell asleep…with a smile on my face.