Until Sydney: A Tanner Cycle Novel

by Marissa Dobson

  “That didn’t last long.” She leaned forward, dragging her hand through her hair, and looked at him.

  “Whatever Jay has done, that isn’t your burden to carry.”

  “I can’t help but wonder, how many people did my father kill with that batch of drugs that he knew was laced? He’s in prison for the death of two teenagers, but how many more did the police not have enough evidence to charge him with? Tim killed three people with his drunk driving accident. All the blood that my family has spilled and it feels like it’s all resting on my shoulders. That somehow I have to be better than everyone else so I can make up for all the evil they brought into this world.” What scared her the most was that one day maybe she’d snap and would be just as evil as her family.

  “Syd…” He came to squat in front of her and took her hands in his. “Listen to me, baby. Your father, Tim, and Jay are responsible for their own shit. You’ve done nothing wrong; you have nothing to make up for. Think of your mother—you’re just like her. She used to say that your light shined so bright, it would brighten the darkest days. No matter how much your father and brothers tried, they weren’t able to extinguish your light.”

  “Mom was so dramatic.” She smiled at him. “She also said you were a protector that had a fire within you. She was right. You fought to keep your family together when everything was stacked up against you and look at you now: a successful businessman with his own company. You and your brothers have made millions out of what some back home thought was a pipe dream. They wagered you’d fail and come running back, but I knew you wouldn’t. I knew you’d be successful.”

  “What other option do you have when you use your parents’ entire life insurance to make a dream come true and you have four younger brothers depending on you?” He shrugged his shoulders. “You work hard to make it work.”

  “You got them out of the city and away from all the shit that could have torn your family apart.” Thoughts of what it could have been like if her father would have moved out of the city after everything happened lingered in her mind and she looked down at their hands. His thumb caressed over her knuckles, soft and reassuring, as if he were trying to let her know he was there for her. “Why do our conversations continue to circle back to my family or the past?”

  “That’s what brought us together.”

  “It might have been what brought us together but that kiss had nothing to do with our past.”

  “Syd—”

  The way he whispered her name, so full of desire and something more that she couldn’t place, made her want to reach out and touch him. She took her hand from his and brought her finger to his lips, silencing him. “Don’t push me away.”

  “We can’t do that again.”

  “Why?” He rose to stand again and stepped back but before he could answer, she added, “Don’t say it’s because I’m too young or you’re too old.”

  “Fine. What about the fact that I’m not good for you?” He held his arm out, pointing at something, but she didn’t understand what. “Fuck, Syd, you saw my office and you said it yourself earlier: I’m a workaholic. You deserve someone who will put you first. The baggage I come with is extensive. Cyrus might be eighteen now but my duties to him aren’t over. Hell, it might never be when it comes to Cain. You deserve someone who is just starting out and has their whole life ahead of them—a life they can make with you. I’m an old man, set in my ways, with work and family to care for.”

  “When did twenty-eight become old? I must have missed that change. Is it retirement age? Because if so, old man, it would eliminate the workaholic problem,” she teased.

  “This isn’t a joke.” He stepped farther back from her. “But if you need more convincing, here’s another one. Jay would kill us both if he knew I ever laid a hand on you. And you know what, he’d be right to do so. Your mother asked me to protect you, not force myself on you.”

  “My mother? When?”

  “The same day that picture was taken.” He nodded toward the picture frame that was sitting next to her on the bed. “She sent you in to get your sweater so she could talk to me. She knew Jay was starting to follow in Tim’s footsteps. It was one of the reasons I wasn’t around as much as I had been before. I wasn’t into the things he was doing and his new friends were a threat to you. You were her little girl. She was worried about you and wanted me to watch out for you.”

  “You were sixteen.” She shook her head, unable to believe her mother had asked a teenager to look out for her. He was a kid, with enough of his own stuff going on; he didn’t need the responsibility of watching out for his friend’s baby sister.

  “And wise beyond my years. I knew Jay was up to no good and distanced myself from him. We no longer hung out daily, but you saw me a few times a week. I wanted to make sure you weren’t letting him influence you. Sydney, I care about you. I always have.”

  “You know how I feel because I asked you to marry me when I was six. Nothing has changed. I’ve loved you then and I still love you.” She hadn’t planned to tell him that she loved him but it came out before she could think it through. Now, her words hung heavy in the air between them, leaving tension in their wake.

  “Maybe this is my fault. Maybe I was around too much. Maybe I led you on…” He glanced back at the picture. “I don’t know where I went wrong but Jay—”

  “Screw Jay and screw your bullshit.” Anger rushed through her as she rose off the bed. “I can’t stand here and listen to your disgraceful comments. I fell in love with you because of who you are. Not because I wanted someone to take care of me, or because you led me on. I was a young girl when my childhood crush developed, but I’m not that same child you left behind.”

  “Don’t I fucking know it.” His gaze traveled over her body, desire burning within his eyes. “It still doesn’t change the facts. Your mother wouldn’t have wanted this.”

  “Mom would have wanted me happy but either way, she’s dead. Dad and Tim are in prison, and Jay’s about to join them behind bars, possibly for life. None of them matter. What matters is, what do you want?” Her heart pounded against her chest, terrified that he would tell her that he wanted nothing to do with her. She saw desire in his eyes but maybe she was misreading the situation. Then another fear sprang to life within her as she waited for him to answer. “Is there someone else? Are you…um…dating someone?”

  He shook his head. “No woman would put up with the hours I work and until a few months ago, I was still the legal guardian of a minor. Any woman who looks at me can see I want stability, marriage, and maybe even a family of my own.”

  “You’re starting to sound like a woman,” she teased. “Kids? I thought you’d have your fill of that after taking over with your brothers.”

  “I look at them as my test run. I screwed up with them enough that hopefully now I can get it right with my own kids.” He chuckled more to himself, as if remembering the sudden responsibility of being legal guardian to his younger brothers.

  Her eyelids drifted shut and she could see him with a baby in his arms. He stood in a nursery, a big smile on his face as he gently rocked his child to sleep. The love in his eyes when he looked down at the child made her heart bloom. She wanted that to be her child in his arms. Their child.

  “See what I mean when I say I’m too old for you? We’re at different stages in our lives. This is your time to be wild and free.” Their gazes met and all she could see was sadness shining through the darkness in his eyes.

  “Maybe you don’t know me as well as I thought.” Her chest tightened, making it hard to breathe. If there was one person who knew her inside and out, she believed it was him. Yet now he stood there and the words coming out of his mouth made her doubt this.

  “Syd, that’s not what I mean. I want what’s best for you.” He turned toward the walk in closet. “I’ll get some clothes and shower.”

  “Wait, Coal.” She crossed the room and placed her hand on his arm. “You didn’t ask but I’ll tell you anyway. I want to
get out of the city, away from the drugs and crime, away from all the people who know my family, who think I’m no better than them. I want a little place of my own with a husband and a couple of kids. But most of all, I want you.”

  Chapter Six

  At a loss as how to handle being in a constant state of desire and need, Coal threw himself into his work. There was no doubt that he wanted Sydney, but that wasn’t why he’d gone to Pittsburgh to bring her back with him. He had gone because she was a friend, someone he cared for, and she didn’t deserve the fate Jay had left her to. Innocent girl born into the wrong family, when she deserved so much better. He wanted to show her how life could be. He’d help her start over again, anywhere she wanted to go, but in order to do that, he had to keep his hands off her. If he laid a hand on her, he knew he wouldn’t let her go.

  Cay strolled into Coal’s office and took a seat in the chair in front of the door. “Where is she?”

  “Upstairs.” He leaned back in his leather office chair and looked at the next oldest of the Tanner brothers. “Why? Did you find something out?”

  “I got someone working on it. Most likely won’t know anything until tonight. You know how they work; they prefer the cover of darkness. How’s she doing?”

  “Angry, scared, everything you’d expect.” He left out that she wanted more from him than he could give her. With only a little more than two years separating them, Coal and Cay were close, but he still wasn’t ready to share that detail with him, or anyone for that matter, yet.

  “It’s expected that a murder charge will be added later today. I speculate first degree murder, but I can’t get confirmation on that yet. At the very least, second degree. Have you prepared her for that, possibly?”

  He pinched the bridge of his nose and let out a deep sigh. “When I told her Jay was found with the murder weapon, she wasn’t surprised. She believes Jay’s responsible and it’s inevitable that the charges will come down. She’s bracing herself for him to join her brother and father.”

  “Have you considered what having her here could do to Cain?” Cay kept his gaze on Coal, not giving any indication whether or not he thought having her there was a bad thing.

  “I told her to stay away from him.” It wouldn’t solve the problem in the long run but it was the best he could do for now. “Have you spoken with Cal and Cyrus? Any issues I should be aware of?”

  “They’re fine. What happened wasn’t her fault. She’s innocent in all of this. Cyrus feels bad for her. She lost as much as we did but she didn’t have someone to pull her out of the grief and heartache. She had to stay in the city, surrounded by everyone that already looked down at her because of her family’s dealings. Tim’s charges only made their disgust for her worse. She didn’t have someone like you to see her through like we did.”

  “My trial run.” Coal grinned as the earlier conversation with Sydney ran through his thoughts.

  “Huh?”

  “Something that came up when talking with Sydney this morning. She was surprised I wanted a family of my own after having to take over for our parents.”

  “Well, brother, you did damn fine. I was twenty-one and thought I knew it all. Partying every night, a different girl on my arm each week. I was living the life I thought I wanted.” He shook his head as if shaking away those memories. “When everything changed I realized it wasn’t what I wanted.”

  “You became an old man right along with me,” Coal teased. “Now to find you a wife so you can settle down like you want.”

  “There’s plenty of time for that.” Cay let out a deep laugh and shook his head. “I’m not that eager. I’d rather wait for the right woman than rush into a disaster. On the verge of sounding like a woman, I want what Mom and Dad had. They were happy and in love until the day they died. That’s what marriage is about. Too many people we know have had shitty childhoods because their parents hated each other.”

  “They died together.” Coal could picture his parents in his mind, smiling and full of life. “They would have wanted that. Neither one of them left behind to grieve.”

  “I can second that, but I don’t think either would have wanted things to happen how they happened, or leave behind three minor children. If it had been up to me, Cal, Cain, and Cyrus would have been separated and sent off to foster homes. I just wasn’t responsible enough.”

  “You came around and did what needed to be done. You worked your ass off when we started Tanner Cycles and we saw to the others. I couldn’t have done half this shit without you.” Coal was grateful Cay had been a legal adult and therefore able to help him. Otherwise, with three teenagers, he might have gone insane and no doubt would have had a head full of gray hair by now.

  “Cay? You up there?” The youngest brother, Cyrus, called from the stairs.

  “Yeah.” Cay answered as Cyrus came strolling into the office. “What’s up?”

  “Tank’s looking for you.” Cyrus leaned against the wall and glanced over at Coal. “Where is she? I wasn’t nearly as friendly with her as you were but I should at least welcome her to our humble home. Maybe she’d be more comfortable over at our house. She can have my room.”

  “With you in it, I suppose.” Cay shook his head. “Not a chance, little brother. You’re the last thing she needs.”

  “What’s that supposed to mean?” His eyes widened with shock. “I’ll have you know I’m being a perfect gentleman. I just thought after Coal broke her heart it was too much of a strain for her to be forced to share his place. Come on, there’s not even a guest bedroom for her.”

  “Broke her heart?” Confusion had Coal’s eyebrows knitted together.

  “Come on, Coal. You had to know she had a huge crush on you.”

  “She was thirteen,” Cay reminded the youngest of the brothers.

  “Doesn’t matter.” Cyrus shrugged his shoulders. “We had classes together and I remember the doodles on her notebook with Coal’s name through the hearts.”

  “Enough.” Coal didn’t want to have this conversation any longer. He hadn’t realized that her feelings for him had been so obvious to everyone else. Maybe he shouldn’t have spent the time he did with her—she’d been just a child—but it was too late to go back now. “She’s not going anywhere. She’ll stay upstairs with me and I want you all on alert. Tank will be staying at the house until we’re sure no one knows she’s here and there is no threat to her safety. Cay and I will go speak with Cain shortly and make sure he knows what’s happening. He roams the area at night when he can’t sleep, so he’ll be able to keep an eye out.”

  “What’s the plan if Jay’s convicted?” Cyrus questioned.

  “I’ll help her no matter what she plans. If she wants to stay here, she can. Or she can go anywhere in the world. I’d hate to see her go back to Pittsburgh, but if that’s what she wants…” He almost said he’d support her decision but he knew he wouldn’t. He’d fight her tooth and nail to keep her from going back and facing those people and the temptation of making a quick buck like her brothers had. He was her protector and that’s what he was determined to do, even if that meant he had to protect her from herself. Or from me.

  The soft patter of her footsteps on the stairs stopped his thoughts from venturing down a road that would leave him wanting more. He wanted her in his arms and in his bed, but there was so much she deserved that he couldn’t give her. The baggage that came with him was too heavy to force on her. He had to make sure things stayed strictly platonic between them; anything more would ruin the friendship they’d had for years.

  “Coal, I—” The rest of her sentence died on her lips as she caught sight of Cay and Cyrus in his office. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have…”

  “Don’t be bashful. Come on in.” Cay gave her the same coy smile that seemed to work on all the ladies. “You might not remember us as well as you do Coal. I’m Cayson—everyone calls me Cay. And this is the youngest—”

  “Cyrus.” She cut him off. “While I know Coal and Cyrus better than the r
est of you, I remember everyone. I can let you get back to your meeting.”

  “There’s no reason to go back upstairs. We were just bullshitting. Come here.” Unable to stop himself, he held his hand out toward her, beckoning her. Timidly, she came to him and when she did, he took her hand in his. He wasn’t sure if he was offering her comfort to lessen her uneasiness or if it was for his benefit. “I was thinking it would be nice for you to catch up with Cyrus. After all you two went to school together for years. How about we order Chinese food and the five of us catch up?”

  “I haven’t had Chinese food in ages.”

  “Then it’s settled.” He glanced back at his brothers. “Now get back to work.”

  “Yes, sir.” Cyrus gave him a mock salute and turned to leave.

  “I’ll run into town and pick up the food around six. Do you want to do it upstairs or at the house?” Cay rose from his chair but didn’t step away from the desk.

  “Upstairs.” Now that the plans had been made, Coal wanted nothing more than to cancel them. Even though he knew it would be hard to keep his hands off Syd, he wanted to be alone with her. He wanted her undivided attention. But a night with his brothers around would ease the tension and keep things platonic, just as they needed to stay.

  “See you then.” Cay strolled from the room, leaving them alone.

  “Coal?”

  He glanced up at her and the sadness in her gaze made him want to pull her down into his lap. “What’s wrong?”

  “I can’t sit around and do nothing. Whatever the outcome is for Jay, worrying won’t change it. Worrying over whoever’s after me isn’t going to stop them and facing them head on will get me killed.” Pulling her hand out of his, she took a step back.

  “We’re working on it. Just give us time,” he reassured her.

  “In the meantime, I need something to do.” She glanced at his desk and then back at him. “It’s obvious that you need some help. So let me help. I can do accounting and ordering. I’ve done it before. Whatever else you need done, I can learn.”