by Ivy Smoak
"Come on, I wouldn't do that to you." Chastity pulled two Styrofoam boxes out of the bag and put them on the coffee table.
“Thank you, you’re amazing and I love you.” I plopped down next to her on the couch and took a huge bite of my burger. I knew it was terrible for me, but I didn’t care. Red Robin was the one unhealthy thing I still enjoyed. And pizza. And maybe ice cream…
She laughed. “Love you too. So what have you been up to?"
"Oh, you know. Watching some TV, cleaning a little…”
"A little? This place is immaculate. It looks like a serial killer just sanitized it to destroy the evidence of his latest kill."
"Thank you." I bet my stalker’s apartment was this clean too.
"The only thing out of place is...that." She nodded towards the kitchen table. It was still covered with monopoly games and the creepy black wig. I had started to clean it up, but I couldn't even. Having to do one return was bad enough, but we had gotten them from like twenty different stores. And I hated people.
"I think I'm just going to keep them," I said.
"Didn't you say they cost $1300?"
"$1314 to be precise, and that’s just the monopoly games. Don't even ask me how much the wig was."
"I still can't figure out why we bought that thing," said Chastity. We had texted about it multiple times throughout the weekend, but neither one of us had any recollection of why we’d purchased it. I'd read the contract front to back looking for any mention of a wig. No such mention existed.
There was only one explanation. "It was probably Liz's idea."
"That makes sense. Really, how much was it?"
"Oh, only $1500."
Chastity nearly choked on a French fry. "Holy shit. Ash, you have to return everything."
I casually took a bite of my burger to appear like I didn't care. "It's not worth it." But I did care. I cared so much. Wasting money made my skin feel like it was melting off. The prospect of my fake security deposit getting returned at the end of three wishes softened the blow a bit, but it seemed too good to be true. They'd probably realize their error and refuse to pay me. Or just pay me in monopoly money. God knows I already have enough of that.
"What if I help?"
"You'd really go with me?" That was good. Having her there would make it less awkward. If I was tricky enough, I thought I might even be able to get her to do most of the talking.
"You don't even have to come if you don't want to. I don't want to disturb your vow of reclusivity." At first I thought she was being the best friend ever, but then I noticed the twinkle of mischief in her eyes.
"What's the catch?"
She pretended to look hurt. "Why do you think there's a catch?"
"First you're eating burgers with me and it's not even your cheat day. And now you're offering to run around town returning all that crap. There's no way there's not a catch."
"That depends. Do you consider making you go out tonight a catch?"
"Definitely."
"Then I guess there is a catch."
"Forget it. I'll keep all of it. Maybe Monopoly will go out of print and they'll suddenly be worth millions on eBay."
"Oh come on. I found this awesome little speakeasy where famous actors like to hang out."
"Tempting, but no thanks."
"Why not? You have to go to work tomorrow anyway. You're just going to be more nervous than usual if you haven't reintroduced yourself into the wild yet."
"Into the wild? What am I? A zoo animal?"
"Speaking of zoo animals...what do you think the odds are that the guy at One57 will be wearing a leopard print suit tonight?"
I shook my head. "Unlikely. He never wears the same suit twice, and he wore leopard print five Thursdays ago."
"Okay, stalker."
"What? I was kidding." I laughed awkwardly. "I don't remember his suits." Besides, he’s the stalker, not me. And having a good memory didn’t make me a criminal.
"Sure you don't. Well, either way. I bet he's going to look super hot. Oh no, and you’re staying here so you can’t see him. Do you want me to try to take a selfie with him so you can see?"
Damn it, damn it, damn it! Why had I ever told her about my stalker? I should have known she would use it against me. At least I didn’t actually tell her that I thought he was stalking me. She never would have believed it, even though it was 100% true. "Okay, here's the deal. You return all that shit we bought, and I'll go to spin class tonight, no speakeasy though."
"Deal."
We finished our burgers and then attempted to make it look like none of the boxes of Monopoly had been opened.
It took us at least 10 trips to carry all the games down to Chastity's car.
And it was going to take us just as many trips to carry them all back up since all the stores rejected the returns. Well, not all. Chastity said one store in a particularly sketchy part of the city took back three of them for store credit. But the rest could tell that they'd already been opened. Eight stores in, the cashier at a CVS told Chastity that they weren't accepting returns of any monopoly games because it had been flagged as organized retail crime.
"And the wig place?" I asked.
"Apparently Amy just started working there.”
“Huh, I haven’t talked to her in a while. I should reach out.” She and her husband had been best couple friends with Joe and me. But I hadn’t really heard from them since the divorce.
Chastity looked away. “Maybe don’t?”
“Why?”
“Let’s just say I think Joe got her and Bill in the divorce.”
“Why?” I asked again. I needed details.
“Did you guys have a fight? She told me I shouldn’t hang out with you. I think the words homewrecker and dumb slut were used. Did you sleep with Bill?”
“What the hell? No! Joe must be telling people that the divorce is my fault.” And thanks to the blackmail, I can’t do a damned thing about it. I clenched my fists. I wanted nothing more than to punch Joe right in his stupid lying face.
“Wow. What an asshole.”
“Whatever, he’s dead to me.” The divorce was the last thing on my mind right now. I was a little preoccupied with all the Monopoly games Chastity couldn’t offload.
“Well…anyway, she wouldn’t accept the return. Apparently they have a NO RETURNS policy. Although I have a sneaking suspicion that it only applies to us.” Chastity tossed me the bag with the wig and then loaded me up with four monopoly boxes.
"We have to find a different way then. Maybe I can sell them two for $50, kind of like that homeless dude with the Oreos." It had happened a few months ago, but it was so strange that I could still picture it perfectly. Chastity, Madison, and I had been walking to get some Thai food when this guy holding two boxes of Oreos had approached us and said, "Two for $3." We respectfully declined his offer. "I always wondered how he had been able to offer us such a good deal,” I said. “Now we know. He must have signed up for a sex club that uses Oreos as currency, drunkenly bought a million boxes of them, and then had buyer's remorse."
Chastity laughed. "At least someone can eat two boxes of Oreos. Two boxes of Monopoly, on the other hand, are completely useless."
"Maybe we can convince someone that it's good to always have a back-up."
"Oh yeah, that'll totally work."
"Do you have any better..." As we walked into my apartment, my left foot slid out from underneath me. I tossed the four Monopoly boxes in the air and ended up on my ass. "What the hell?" I muttered. I had just cleaned everything. What could I possibly have slipped on?
"Looks like the Society paid us a little visit while we were downstairs." Chastity bent down and picked up the lacy black envelope that I had just slipped on.
Chapter 13 - #HorseFacts
Tuesday
Seeing the envelope made my stomach churn with a combination of nerves and excitement. Or maybe that cheeseburger was just coming back to haunt me. Greasy food didn't always agree with me.
"It sounds like this Frankie fellow is going to take me to some grimy apartment and try to get in my pants."
"Ohhh, hot. He'll probably offer you a few months' rent if you blow him. #WorthIt."
"I won't need to. Not when I walk in armed with a suitcase full of Monopoly money. The joke’s on him."
Chastity gave me an exaggerated frown. "Boo. Where's the fun in that?"
"Don't blame me. The Society should have paid more attention in Econ 101. Currency must be scarce."
"In their defense, they probably didn't think anyone would be crazy enough to buy this many copies of Monopoly. What are you gonna wear?"
"Nothing."
"Wow, bold move."
I laughed. "I didn't mean I'm going nude. I meant I'm not going at all."
"What? Why?"
"So many reasons." I held up a finger. "One, my vow of reclusivity." I held up another. "Two, getting raped by Frankie does not appeal to me. Or worse, I might rape him." I shivered at the thought of what I had done to Dr. Lyons. I held up a third finger. "And finally, I have my first day of work tomorrow. I'll go to spin class with you, but I'm coming home immediately after." I still wasn't entirely convinced that I would terminate my contract, but I definitely couldn't go tonight. Not the night before my first day of work.
"Why do you need to be home early? You hardly ever sleep."
"Who said anything about sleep? I was just planning on sitting here all night mentally preparing myself to interact with humans. And to wear pants. And a bra." Going back to work is going to be the worst.
"And that's exactly why you need to go meet Frankie. It'll get your mind off things. You're going to make yourself sick if you sit here all night stressing."
Sick?! Being sick in general was terrifying. Being sick on a workday was even worse. But being sick and missing the first day of work? I couldn't even fathom it. I had kept a perfect attendance record throughout all of high school. Well, almost. One time I felt awful but went to school anyway. Before the first bell rang, my homeroom teacher sent me to the nurses because I looked so pale. I made it about ten steps into the hallway before I barfed into my hands and all over the floor. Needless to say, I was not allowed to stay.
"You look like you're actually considering my point."
"I was. But I decided you're wrong. I'll be nervous all night, but I won't actually be sick. No bacteria or viruses can get me in here. But if I go out tonight..."
"What happened to the enthusiasm you had for the Society when you tried to seduce Dr. Lyons?"
"That's kind of the point. What if I try to seduce Frankie too?” I still had no idea what had come over me. Dr. Lyons was just a poor innocent bystander. “I've already proven I can't control myself." I was a menace to society.
"Yes you can. But the wonderful thing is that you won't have to. Frankie is clearly a part of the Society. You've read through all the rules. You know how it works now. The black envelope came, just like it was supposed to. This is definitely a wish."
"Yeah, it came. And I slipped on it. I can't even receive mail without making a fool of myself. If I'm not careful, I'm going to be known as the clumsy redheaded rapist. Now, would you help me off my ass?"
Chastity grabbed my arm and helped me up, but halfway through her face lit up and she dropped me. "That's it!" she said.
Ow. "I have no idea what you're about to say, but I don't think I'm going to like it."
“I remember everything.”
“What?”
“I must not have blacked out completely. Maybe I grayed out. Either way, I remember everything about Raven Black now.”
Oh wow. “We found her?” I really was a good stalker. Crap, did this mean I had to hand over my membership to her? Because now that I could be part of the Society I for sure wanted to be. Damn reverse psychology!
“No, silly,” said Chastity. “It’s you. You’re Raven Black. Right before you signed the contract there was this little paragraph about what you wanted to be called. You could go with your real name, stick with the randomly assigned name Raven Black, or choose a new one. You went with Raven Black and decided to wear a disguise.”
“Really?” I definitely didn’t remember that. “So the invitation really was for me?”
“Yeah. Oh! The wig! We must have gotten it as a disguise. It's perfect. By day, you'll be innocent little redheaded Ashley Cooper. But by night, you'll be Raven Black, the raven-haired seductress."
Interesting. If I wore the wig, I’d be unrecognizable. I could do whatever I wanted and not get in trouble. Well…not everything. I’d still have to learn how to stop inappropriately touching men. "Somehow I actually don't hate that idea." Raven Black really did have a nice ring to it. And whatever awkward things I did as her wouldn’t matter. Because no one would know it was me. I started smiling. This was the perfect situation for me. Incident #1 and #2 started to fade away. Raven Black hadn’t done those things. She wasn’t awkward. She was so smooth.
"It'll be like Clark Kent and Superman,” said Chastity. “Only in this case, Superman really loves dick. #NotHisKryptonite."
"And now you're making it weird."
"Okay, okay. Fine. Superman is only moderately interested in dick. And thanks to the rape protection in his contract with the sex club, he doesn't have to get any dick he doesn't want."
Every word that came out of her mouth made me less interested. But she did have a point. While the terms and conditions encouraged sexual contact, clause 49c did explicitly ban rape. "I'll consider it if you promise to never talk about Superman wanting dick again."
"Works for me. Where's your phone? You need to accept the invitation before Frankie gets booked for someone else."
I got up and grabbed my phone off the coffee table. Then I logged into the app. Not to necessarily accept the invitation, but I at least wanted to see if there was more information. The home screen popped up. There were two buttons at the bottom: View Preferences, and RSVP.
I was about to click on RSVP when Chastity said, "Oh! Let's fill out your preferences real quick."
"That's probably not necessary..."
She reached over and clicked the View Preferences button. The preferences form popped up with all the answers filled in.
"Weird. It looks like it comes pre-filled." My voice cracked halfway through.
"Oh my God. You already filled it out!"
"Did not." How did she know?! It was like she could read my lying soul.
She stared at me.
"It probably just prefilled with the most common features of their members. I guess Frankie is going to be a white 6'2 male with brown hair, an athletic build, and a nine-inch penis."
"Do you know what percent of the population is white, 6'2, with brown hair and an athletic build?"
"Half?" I suggested.
"Definitely less than one percent. Finding a single guy like that is like finding a unicorn. And finding such a man with a nine-inch dick? That's like finding a unicorn with a nine-inch dick."
"Wow, vivid imagery there. But I feel like nine inches might actually be fairly common for an animal in the Equus genus. Maybe even a bit small. #HorseFacts."
Chastity laughed. "You never use hashtags right. They’re for sass. Not horse facts. But fair point. Anyway, that perfect specimen of a man you just described is super rare. There's no way that's what the Society's average member looks like. Not even Berbers are that well hung, much less white New Yorkers." She stared at me expectantly.
Really, how did she always know I was lying? I must not have had a good poker face. Or maybe it was because I always got all fidgety when I was lying. I scratched under my chin like a weirdo. Damn it, I was doing it right now! "Fine! I filled it out. Is that so wr
ong? What did you expect me to do when I was here all weekend having sex dreams about FedEx men? You would have filled it out too."
"Sex dreams about FedEx men? Ow, ow! We'll circle back to that later, but first I want to talk about how you want a nine-inch dick. I'm impressed. And a little surprised. That's a lot of meat for such a little girl."
I could feel my face turning bright red. "I didn't think you could say anything grosser than your gay Superman metaphor, but that takes the cake. Well done."
"Seriously...what made you say nine inches? Was Joe packing way more than you let on? I thought you said..." Chastity held up her pinky finger and wiggled it around.
"That's about right. And I dunno why I said nine. It just felt like a nice round number."
"Do you have any idea how big that is?"
I pressed my lips together. I mean, I had a pretty good idea. That was why I’d selected it. And I was very excited about my decision. "Normal sized?"
Chastity walked over and grabbed my can of ginger ale. "Picture this as a penis."
"Ew. Why is it so short and thick?"
"Because it's only half the penis." She grabbed another can and stacked it on top. "That's more like it."
"It's still so thick."
"The proper term is girthy. And yes, that's what happens. As they get longer, they also get girthier."
There's no way that would fit in me. Oh God, what have I done? "I think I made a mistake." I quickly changed my penis size preference to two inches.
"Only two?” she said through her laughter. “You overcorrected a bit. How about we settle somewhere in the middle. Try six or seven."
"What beverage would that be comparable to? A water bottle? Or...?"
"It's normal. Just say six. You'll like that. That's nice and average."
Average? How boring. I wanted above average. I typed in seven and clicked back to the home screen before she could see. Then I went to RSVP:
