by Ivy Smoak
I fell asleep dreaming of bigfoot and when I woke up in the morning, we got right back to our research. Before I knew it, it was nighttime again. And my phone alarm going off told me it was time to start getting ready for my date with Dr. Lyons.
My armpits were immediately drenched in sweat just from the thought of it. I couldn’t go on a date with Dr. Lyons. I was in love with my stalker. Well, not in love in love. He was the crazy one, not me. I just had a mega crush on him and I needed to do more research tonight to figure out if he was a vampire or not. He was definitely hiding something. And I had a feeling that the vampire thing might be it. Which led to a whole assortment of other issues. But I’d get to that later. Please don’t suck my blood, Tanner. I shivered just thinking about it.
“Can you please come too?” I asked Chastity.
She shook her head. “As much as I’d love to date Dr. Lyons, you found him first.”
“He’s yours. You can have him.”
Chastity laughed. “Nope. You need this. It’ll be good for you.”
“I can’t.”
“Why not?”
“I’m…sick.” I faked a cough. It was entirely unconvincing. “It’s probably the flu.”
Chastity put her hand on her hip. “Ash. I don’t care if you’re nervous. Or if you don’t like Dr. Lyons. This is the perfect opportunity to make Tanner jealous. And let me remind you. He’s a billionaire. With a B.”
Darn it. She was right. “Fine. Maybe you’re right. But if I went, what would I wear?”
“Uh…” Chastity gestured around the room to the Odegaard bags and shoeboxes. “You basically live in an Odegaard boutique now. Pick anything.”
“But these are all from Tanner. That would feel so…wrong.”
“But oh so right?” asked Chastity hopefully.
“Nope, just wrong.”
“But it’ll make him so jealous. Didn’t you watch any of that hotwife porn I sent you? Where the girls say things to their husbands like, ‘Thanks for the lingerie, honey. I bet your best friend will love it on me.’ ”
“That sounds pretty wild.”
“Don’t pretend like you didn’t watch them.”
I rolled my eyes. “Maybe I watched one.” I’d actually watched all of them. Was hotwifing now one of my fantasies? Maybe... But no guy in their right mind would put up with that. I knew what it felt like to get cheated on. And it was the opposite of hot. “Why do they even make porn like that? Just so scorned women can watch it and imagine getting revenge on their husbands?”
“Psssh, they don’t make porn for women. The only explanation for its existence is that guys love feeling jealous. Which is exactly how Tanner is gonna feel when you Instagram a picture of yourself on a date wearing one of the dresses he gave you.”
“I don’t know…” I said. But Chastity had a point. And Frankie had given me the same advice. Make him jealous. It had seemed to work at the boutique. “Fine. But only if you come and sit nearby. Or even better, we can find a way for you to listen in and tell me exactly what to say. There’s gotta be an app for that by now, right? I hereby invoke Single Girl Rule #34: First dates are meant to be spied on by your friends.”
“Touché. I love that you’re on board with all the Single Girl Rules all of a sudden. But what are you so nervous about?” asked Chastity.
“I mean…I went on a date two nights ago and it didn’t exactly go as planned. What if I kiss Dr. Lyons and then he runs away and never speaks to me again?” Or I try to rape him again. “And we don’t need to speak about the incident.”
“Oh my God. Just bang Matthew Caldwell already and get it over with.”
“He’s married.”
“Whatever. It doesn’t matter. You’re not going to light anyone on fire this time. Plus, you have your new fire extinguisher now.”
That I did. It was safely in my purse and I couldn’t be happier.
“And anyway,” said Chastity, “that was like a million years ago.”
“Six months ago.”
She waved her hand through the air. “Besides, your last date was with a…vampire? Or werewolf. Or maybe a Martian. I’m still not sure, but you’re still alive. And following Single Girl Rule #34, I’ll tag along just to make sure nothing terrible happens. Plus, I can keep reading the literature while I spy on you.”
Now that was a solid plan.
Chapter 31 - The Fourth Incident
Saturday
Dr. Lyons was waiting for me outside the restaurant. He looked great in crisp blue slacks and a white button-down.
He took my hand to help me out of the Uber. What a gentleman. Also, it was good that Chastity had taken a separate Uber so that she could pick up Madison on the way. Otherwise we would have been caught red-handed with her spying. Which would have been awkward. And I was going to try really hard not to be awkward on this date. The last thing I needed was to repeat incidents #1-3. Specifically incident #2 because that involved both Dr. Lyons and rape. I tried not to visibly shudder.
“You look stunning,” he said.
I better in this $2000 dress. “And you look quite handsome.”
“Shall we?” He put his hand on the small of my back and led me into the restaurant.
The hostess seated us at a cute little table next to a fish tank. We both immediately buried our heads in our menus. An awkward silence took hold of our table. And as much as I wanted it to release its grip, I was unable to speak. Oh God, oh God. This was my worst nightmare. Were we just going to sit in silence the whole night? I had to say something. I’d just promised myself I wouldn’t be awkward. Think.
“Nice place,” I said. My voice cracked halfway through.
Dr. Lyons looked up from his menu. “Yeah.”
Really? That’s all you have to say?
He cleared his throat. “One of my friends recommended it. And I saw on yelp that they said it was nice and spacious. I hate when you go somewhere and end up bumping elbows with the couple next to you.”
“I know! That’s the worst.” I saw Chastity and Madison walk into the restaurant. Madison saluted me and then they somehow convinced the hostess to give them the table right next to ours, which was way too close! What were they doing? Were they trying to get caught spying on my date? “Chastity,” I hissed in my head. Except Dr. Lyons lowered his eyebrows, so maybe I’d accidentally said it out loud.
“Who?”
I cleared my throat to stall as I gave my friends a death glare. “My friend Chastity. She knows all about sitting too close.” Hopefully she’d heard that and would move. I couldn’t have a normal date with them sitting literally right next to me. “We…er…went to this cute little French café a few weeks ago and the tables were so close that we could hear every word the couple next to us was saying. We didn’t talk the whole time. We just listened to the couple talk about how much they hated their youngest child. Her name was Mia and they called her Meatball because she was so chunky. I could tell you her entire life story. Although she was only two months old, so it’s not a very long story.”
Dr. Lyons laughed. “So you like eavesdropping on people, huh?”
“It can be fun.” I tried to keep my eyes trained on him even though I could just barely hear Chastity and Madison discussing Twilight. God, that meant that they could hear me. And they were going to critique me later. Just the thought made me want to end the date right now. Where was a candle when a girl needed one?
“What do you think that couple’s saying?” Dr. Lyons pointed to an older couple - probably in their 70s.
At least Dr. Lyons was good at distracting me. I watched the couple for a second to get a feel for their conversation. “The lady just said that they should order dessert to go so that he can lick it off her body.”
“Right? I had a feeling that’s what they were talking about.”
I laughed. “Your turn.” I pointed to another couple.
“I think he just told his wife how fortunate the gentleman by the fish tank is to be on a date wi
th such a beautiful redhead.”
I looked to either side of us. “There’s another redhead here?” I was used to being the only one around.
A smile stretched across his handsome face. “No. At least, not any real ones like you.”
Blood rushed to my face. Half because of his compliment, half because he understood the difference between real and fake red hair, and half because I had been too dense to realize what he’d been saying. And yes, I know that’s three halves. “You know, you’re supposed to butter the rolls, not your girlfriend.” Girlfriend?!
Chastity yelped, like that could somehow undo what I’d just done.
What kind of crazy girl refers to herself as someone’s girlfriend five minutes into the first date? I coughed and took a sip of water.
Dr. Lyons laughed and nodded toward Chastity and Madison’s table. “What about them? Wait, isn’t that the girl that was at your apartment the other night?”
“What? No.” Don’t look at them! “I’ve never seen those people before in my life. And they’re clearly a lesbian couple debating the existence of vampires.”
He laughed and looked back at his menu. “So what are you gonna order?”
I took the moment to shoo Chastity and Madison away.
“We’re helping,” Chastity mouthed silently at me.
“Go away,” I mouthed back.
She gave me her sassiest expression.
Get out of here, you psychos. I knew Single Girl Rule #34 dictated that they had the right to be here, but they were too freaking close. They were supposed to spy on me from across the restaurant. This wasn’t spying. This was an invasion of privacy.
“Ash?” Dr. Lyons said.
“Hm?”
“I asked what you were ordering.”
“Oh. Probably the petite filet Oscar. With a side of lobster mashed potatoes. And a bottle of the 1986 Pinot Noir.”
Dr. Lyons’ eyes got big. “Sounds delicious.”
“I’m just joking. I’m not going to get a $120 dinner and a $600 bottle of wine. I’d only do that on our second date.”
“Oh thank God.” He wiped a bead of sweat from his forehead. “I want to show you a good time, but I do still have to pay my rent.”
“I’m actually just going to get the shrimp and grits. You?”
“Probably the chicken tagine.”
“Exotic.”
I heard Chastity laugh, but I didn’t acknowledge her presence. Chicken tagine is exotic, Chastity. #Exotic. Boom, nailed the hashtag thing again.
“I got a taste for it during my tour in the Middle East.”
“The Middle East? Were you there for Doctors Without Borders or something?”
He fidgeted with his water glass and looked down at it. “No. I was in the army.”
“Wait, so let me get this straight. You’re a pediatrician and a veteran? Do you also feed homeless children and sing to the elderly?”
He smiled and looked up from his glass. “Only on weekends. Although with my voice, that would probably be considered elder abuse.”
The waiter appeared and rattled off the specials. I couldn’t really focus though. All I could think about was how this date had really turned around. The conversation felt natural. He laughed at my dumb jokes. He was possibly a real-life superhero. Who knew dating would be so easy? I was hardly even sweating anymore. Which was really saying something, because soon I’d have to talk to the waiter to give him my order, a thing I’d hated ever since I was a child. You can’t tell someone not to speak to strangers and then throw out the rules when a stranger shows up at your table with an apron. Just thinking about it made me start sweating again.
But then something wonderful happened.
“I think we’re ready to order,” said Dr. Lyons. “Ash will have the shrimp and grits and a glass of Sauvignon Blanc.”
Oh my God. Did he really just order for me? That was like…a dream come true. Best. Date. Ever.
“Ow ow,” said Chastity. She knew how much I hated ordering.
I tried to give her a subtle thumbs up. But I got distracted by the fact that her copy of Twilight was upside down in her hands. She was being so obvious. Scram!
“That was what you wanted, right?” asked Dr. Lyons when the waiter walked away.
“Uh, yes. Hell, you could have ordered me anything and I would have eaten it. I freaking hate ordering. Wait…how’d you know to do that?”
Dr. Lyons looked down and straightened his placemat, a hint of red coming to his cheeks. “Lucky guess?” He was definitely lying.
“Oh my God! You Facebook stalked me.”
He scrunched up his face. “Maybe?”
“You totally did. You must have seen my post about Chastity ordering for me at Wendy’s.”
“So what’s your favorite color?” he asked.
“Nope. You’re not changing the topic on me. Out with it. Admit you stalked me.” Since when did so many hot guys stalk me?
He mumbled something.
“Say it.”
“I stalked you.” He did his best ashamed face. “Please don’t be mad.”
“Mad? Quite the opposite. I’m honored that you took the time to stalk me. In fact, I feel a little bad that I didn’t return the favor.”
Out of the corner of my eye I saw Chastity trying to get my attention.
Girl, can’t you see that I’m nailing this date?
The conversation continued from there. I learned all about how he had grown up in a military family. His dad was the stereotypical gruff drill sergeant, while his mom was sweet and gentle. The yin to his dad’s yang.
“I also had a little brother,” he said.
Had? I couldn’t think of the right words to ask if his little brother was dead, so I just stayed silent and let him continue.
“Mikey left us when he was five. Leukemia.” He looked away and blinked, almost like he was holding back tears. “He was the reason why I decided to become a pediatrician.”
“Dr. Lyons,” I said. “I’m so sorry.” Tears filled my eyes as I pictured Rosalie. And I could feel my throat getting tight as I tried not to cry. I knew all too well what it was like to lose a sibling.
He suddenly laughed. “Did you just call me Dr. Lyons?”
“Uh…yes?”
“Do you not know my first name?”
“What? Don’t be crazy. It’s…” I searched my brain for what his first name was. But there was nothing. “Gr…”
Dr. Lyons raised an eyebrow.
“Ro…”
He shook his head.
“Phi…”
“Nope.”
“Gah! Fine. I don’t know your name. Is that so wrong?”
“Anthony,” he said. “Anthony Lyons.”
“Right. That was my next guess.”
He cracked a smile. “Sure it was.”
Chastity slammed her hand down on the table as she tried to get my attention again.
Nope. I didn’t need her whispered advice right now. I was doing fine all on my own. Couldn’t she tell? “I think Mikey would be very proud of you. Especially since you’re totally slaying this date.”
“Really?” He looked so happy.
“Yes.”
“What about you?” he asked. “Any siblings?”
“Three. Lauren, Kyle, and Rosalie. Rosalie uh…” I took a sip of water to try to prevent myself from tearing up again. It didn’t work. “She actually disappeared a few years ago. I feel like I’m the only one that believes she’s still out there somewhere. Everyone else gave up hope.”
“That’s horrible.” He reached across the table and grabbed my hand. “I’m so sorry.”
“I miss her.”
“I miss Mikey, too. I wish I could tell you that time will make it better, but it doesn’t really. I still miss him just as much as I did the day it happened. Maybe more.”
I wiped the tears from my eyes. We sat in silence for a few moments. But this time it wasn’t awkward. It was more therapeutic. A moment of silenc
e for our lost siblings.
The spell was broken by the waiter bringing our food. And after that I promised myself I’d be more upbeat the rest of the date. No more crying.
“These shrimp are amazing,” I said.
“Wanna try some tagine?”
“No thanks.” I never tried anyone’s food. Sharing all those germs was the most disgusting thing in the world. And yet…I kind of did want to try it. Something about his germs didn’t seem that repulsive. I still didn’t change my answer, though. Maybe next date.
“Ash,” Chastity hissed at me.
Stop. It. Geez, it was like Chastity was trying to turn my perfectly nice date into a train wreck. Couldn’t I just do one thing one time that wasn’t an epic fail?
“Are you sure you don’t know that lesbian couple?” he asked.
“Nope. Never seen them before.”
We kept talking while we ate. He told me all about the different places he’d lived - San Diego, Germany, South Korea - and I tried to make Delaware sound just as interesting. He agreed to visit Rehoboth beach sometime, although I couldn’t tell if we were seriously planning a vacation or if he was just humoring me. I kept trying to find an opening to bring up what had happened during my doctor’s appointment with him, but I could never seem to find the perfect segue. Which was probably for the best. No need to talk about incident #2 ever again. Instead we went back to playing the lip-reading game.
I pretended like a young couple was hoping to swing with the 70-year-olds from earlier, and then Dr. Lyons…er…Anthony, acted like a very overweight couple was going to go streaking after dinner.
“How about that couple?” he asked, pointing behind me.
I turned around. And OH MY GOD. Joe was there. Joe as in my ex. Joe as in the person on the top of my most hated list. I immediately snapped my head around in hopes that he hadn’t seen me.
