by Ivy Smoak
Was he too embarrassed to even be in the same room as me? The thought that the blowjob had been unwanted had definitely crossed my mind. And when I say crossed my mind, I mean it literally kept me up the entire night. My rapey tendencies had been why I’d decided to become a hermit. But then I inexplicably gave up the #HermitLife and left my apartment. And joined a freaking sex club! What was I thinking?!
“#HermitLife!” I yelled. “I did it!”
Chastity didn’t even seem phased by my outburst. She finished what she was typing and turned to me. “What? No. There was literally zero context. You can’t just yell out weird hashtags and expect them to be a thing.”
I know. It made sense in my head. Just like the fact that in my head it seemed like Ryder wanted me to rape him. I mean, not rape him. I meant that it was consensual even though there were no verbal cues. You know what I mean! He seemed into it. Couldn’t he have just escaped from the painting if he didn’t want it? Gah!
“So which one of these is most accurate?” asked Chastity, pointing to a bunch of bottles on her desk. There was a normal water bottle, a little short one, a 2-liter of soda, and one of those super sleek bottles of flavored water.
I raised an eyebrow. “What exactly am I looking at here?”
“You said he was the size of a bottle. Which kind is it?”
I rubbed my face. I never should have told her that. “That one,” I said, pointing to the 2-liter.
Her eyes got so big. “How did you even…” Then she glared at me. “You’re messing with me.”
“I would be dead right now if I put something that large in my mouth.” I was going to show her the correct answer (the sleek bottle of flavored water) when my phone buzzed.
Please be Tanner. Please be Tanner. I clicked on my messages. Yes!!!
Tanner: Sorry I had to leave so early last night.
I had my response locked and loaded. Like I said…I didn’t sleep at all last night.
Me: No problem. I ended up finding a painting that I really loved. The artist seemed so…exposed in it. The most interesting part was how it kept growing on me the more time I spent with it. I even got all choked up a few times. In the end it kinda left a bad taste in my mouth, though.
I giggled at my clever innuendo and hit send.
Tanner: Sounds impressive. Maybe you can show it to me once I get back from Mexico.
Is he asking for another blowjob? Or was he just the most dense human in the world? More importantly…what was he doing in Mexico? Images of cartel assassins stuffing me into a vat of acid raced through my mind. Wait…no. He wasn’t actually in Mexico. Because he hadn’t really left last night. His urgent phone call had just been a cover so he could go hide in his perverted painting.
I was trying to think of a clever response when my phone buzzed again. But it wasn’t Tanner. This time it was Dr. Lyons.
“Oh shit,” I muttered.
“What?” asked Chastity.
“I cheated on Dr. Lyons.” Saying it made me feel filthy. “I mean Anthony.” Why couldn’t I ever remember to call him by his first name?
“Since when were you two exclusive?”
“We haven’t talked about it…”
“And you’ve gone out with him what…three times? Four? And all you did was give a blowjob to Tanner? Yeah, that’s not even close to cheating.”
“Are you sure?” Because I wasn’t. God, what had I done? I tried to get the image of Tanner’s penis out of my mind. But the bottle on my desk that looked like him made it rather difficult.
“Yes, I’m sure,” said Chastity.
“Do I need to tell Dr. Lyons what I’ve done?” I cringed at the thought of having that conversation.
“Uh, no. Unless he’s into that. Do you remember Dan? He loved it when I hooked up with other guys and then told him about it. Like I always say - guys love to feel jealous.”
I made a face. “Weird.”
“It was actually kinda hot.”
“I have to break up with him.”
“What? Why?” Chastity stared at me like I was completely insane.
“Because. He’s a good guy. It wouldn’t be fair for me to string him along. Clearly my heart is with Tanner. I’ve analyzed what happened last night in a thousand different ways, and Dr. Lyons never even crossed my mind.” I’m a monster. Was that how it was for Joe when he was cheating on me? He didn’t even think about me?
“What did his text say?”
“Good question.” I looked back at my phone.
Dr. Lyons: We need to talk. Are you free for lunch?
My heart started beating out of my chest. We need to talk. The only time anyone ever said that was if you were in big trouble. “Oh God. He knows.”
“Knows? Knows what?”
“About…you know.” I made a blowjob motion with my hand and mouth. I thought that was somehow more secretive than saying it out loud, but it wasn’t. Because the guy in the cubicle next to us was looking right at me when I did it. I tried to salvage the situation by wiping my mouth, but that just made it seem like I’d been miming an extra sloppy blowjob.
“There’s no way he knows,” said Chastity.
“Then what does he want to talk about?”
“He said you guys need to talk.” She just stared at me.
I felt denser than Tanner as I stared back.
“Ash…the talk. He’s definitely gonna dump you. Which is perfect, because you were going to screw the whole thing up by telling him about blowing Tanner. This’ll save you the trouble.”
I thought about it for a second. She was absolutely right. I wasn’t sure if I was sad or relieved. He was a great guy. But even a great guy wouldn’t want to hear my confession of what I did last night. It would be better if he just broke things off without ever knowing that I‘d cheated on him.
I texted him back and asked to meet at my favorite café right after work. The rest of the day I was super unproductive because I was nervous about Tanner and now nervous about my dinner date too. Well, not date. Breakup meeting.
But eventually I was sitting across from Dr. Lyons wolfing down the most delicious platter of garlicky deviled eggs. I’d been craving these things ever since I ordered that garlic feast for Tanner, but I’d been too worried about bad breath to order it. Today though, bad breath was not a concern since we’d be breaking up rather than making out.
“So what’s up?” I asked.
“Not much.” Dr. Lyons looked everywhere except for my eyes. “Can you believe how hot it is today?”
“It’s supposed to get even hotter tomorrow. But there’s a rainstorm coming that should cool things down a few degrees before the weekend. Saturday is only gonna have a high of 79.”
He gave me a funny look. “I didn’t realize you were such a weather enthusiast.”
I shrugged. “Always have been. When I was a kid I’d look at the weather on Sunday night and plan out my outfits for the whole week.” Also, that way I always had an umbrella when I needed it. Because when I got wet I looked like a drowned mole-rat. In high school, I didn’t have the same confidence I did now. So looking like a drowned mole rat back then was not acceptable. Fine, it was never acceptable. That was why I knew what the weather was for this Saturday. “Anyway, what did we need to talk about so urgently?”
He took a bite of his sandwich, clearly stalling for time.
“You’re acting weird,” I said. “Just get it over with.” Dump my cheating ass.
“Well…I…” He wiped the sweat off his brow. “Dating you is messing with my head. I’m so out of practice that I have no idea how I’m supposed to act. I never know if it’s okay to call you. Or to…”
“Well it’s never okay to call anyone unless you’re dying.”
Dr. Lyons laughed. “Thanks for clearing that up. But seriously…it’s all such a mystery to me. How often are we supposed to see each other? Greg says that I’ll look desperate if we go out more than once a week. But then Nora tells me that you’ll think I don�
��t care if we don’t see each other at least twice a week. And should I even be talking to Nora?”
Who the hell is Nora?! “In general I’d say listen to the female for dating advice. Unless you want to have sex with her. In that case, don’t listen to her. Or talk to her at all.” Fucking Nora. I hated that chick. No, I didn’t know her. But I hated her with a fiery passion.
Dr. Lyons laughed again, but it was more of a nervous laugh. Even though we were about to break up, I suddenly wanted to find Nora and murder her in her sleep. I pictured her exactly like Sierra.
After a long pause, Dr. Lyons said, “I don’t know how to say this but, uh…”
Here it comes. I grabbed a few napkins and started to pack up my lunch in the to-go container I’d requested with my order. Even though I knew I was about to be dumped and that I fully deserved it, I was worried I’d still get emotional. Getting dumped sucked. And honestly sometimes my eyes liked to cry even though I specifically told them not to. Stupid eyes.
He cleared his throat. “I did something. Last night. I went out with some new friends. And there was this girl there. She was very forward. And one thing led to another…”
I stopped putting deviled eggs in my to-go container. “You kissed someone?” Asshole!
“Worse. But it didn’t mean anything.”
Worse? Than kissing? There were only a few things worse than kissing! I tried to swallow down my disdain like I’d swallowed down Tanner’s… Yeah, I was the jerk, not Dr. Lyons. But I was still mad. “Who was it? Was it that slut Nora?”
He shook his head. “Ew, no. No.”
“Then who was it?”
He mumbled something.
I held my hand to my ear. “What was that?”
“I didn’t get her name.” He winced as he said it.
“Ugh, gross.” I stuffed the rest of my eggs into the container. I’d heard enough. I’d thought he was a good guy. But he was just like all the rest of ‘em. And I didn’t care that I was being a hypocrite. At least I knew Tanner’s real name and his fake name in the Society before I blew him. I knew double the names!
“Here’s the thing, though. I felt terrible immediately after it happened. In a weird way, it made me realize how much I care about you.”
“After the more-than-a-kiss? How convenient for you.”
“I want to be with you, Ash. I want us to be exclusive. I want you to be my girlfriend.”
I gaped at him. This was not how this breakup was supposed to happen. I was so angry with him. But more angry at myself. I was the monster here. Or maybe we both were. Either way, there was no way we could be together now. There was only one option. I had to come clean. “I hooked up with someone else last night too.”
He waved it off. “I forgive you.”
Wait, what? “You’re not mad?”
“Only at myself for being too scared to ask you to be exclusive sooner.”
We stared at each other for a long second. I had no idea how to respond to that. Part of me wanted to say yes to him. But there was also a part of me that didn’t trust him. And a bigger part of me that didn’t trust myself around him. Because he was saying all the right things. And his face was too perfect. And Tanner.
Dr. Lyons pulled his phone out of his lab coat pocket. “Sorry, I have to check this. It might be the office...”
I took that opportunity to pull out my phone too. I needed advice from Chastity immediately. But before I made it to my text thread with her, I got sidetracked by a notification from the Society app. I clicked on it and the RATE YOUR SEXUAL ENCOUNTER screen popped up. The picture beneath it looked vaguely familiar, but it was definitely not Ryder. The man had a twirly mustache, short brown hair, and piercing blue eyes. His name was Flint Ironside.
Who the hell is Flint Ironside? And why does the Society think I had sex with him?
Chapter 38 - Flint Ironside
Wednesday
What the hell? I stared at the picture of Flint Ironside. Had I seen him last night at the Met?
“Where were you last night?” asked Dr. Lyons. He stared at me and then squinted and looked down at his phone.
“I was uh… at home,” I lied. “Watching Gossip Girl. Duh.”
“But I thought you said you hooked up with someone?” He was still looking back and forth from me to his phone.
I took a big sip of water to avoid answering.
“Is this you?” he asked, flipping his phone around.
I spit my water all over him when I saw what was on it. It was my Society picture right below the words RATE YOUR SEXUAL ENCOUNTER.
“Are you Raven Black?” he asked.
Oh God no. “Who is that?” I tried to sound clueless, but it came out weird and robotic.
“The girl I was with last night. At the Met. It’s definitely you!”
“Don’t think so, buddy. Last time I checked I have red hair. That girl’s a brunette.”
“Right, because that wig is your Society disguise. All I had lying around was a fake mustache from a Halloween costume, but the disguise wasn’t really necessary anyway once they hid my upper half behind that painting.”
My jaw dropped as I put the pieces together. Oh. Fuck. Ryder really had left for an emergency. And then the security guards directed me to the painting with his name on it. Hazing the Noob. Only I wasn’t the noob being hazed. Dr. Lyons was. And I’d taken it to the next level by mouth raping him while he was trapped in the wall. I was a horrible sexual deviant!
I took a deep breath to calm my nerves, but it didn’t work. I was hyperventilating. It kind of felt like I was having a heart attack. Or maybe I was just going to spontaneously combust. I raped Dr. Lyons. Again.
“I’m so so sorry,” I whispered. God, this was incident #5. Raping someone for the second time? What the actual fuck was wrong with me?! And no one should be able to have this many incidents in such a short amount of time. I wanted to go back in time before I joined the Society when I only had to dwell on the original incident. The OG incident. Just the one! Now I had five to keep me up at night!
Dr. Lyons said something, but all I could hear was my heart beating out of my chest. The walls were closing in on me. I grabbed my purse and my deviled eggs and ran out of the restaurant.
***
I’d shot Chastity an SOS text as soon as I got back to my apartment. And then I climbed onto my couch and hid under my fluffiest blanket. I was never leaving the house again. I was about to call the FBI on myself. Just for the protection of others.
Chastity didn’t bother to knock, she just let herself in. “Hey,” she said and sat down next to me.
I assumed. Because the blanket was over my head.
“That bad?” she asked and pulled the blanket down.
“It wasn’t Tanner’s penis,” I said as I somehow slumped farther down onto my couch. I wanted to sink into it and disappear from the world.
Chastity tossed her purse on the floor. “What?”
“The painting. The man I blew. It wasn’t Tanner. It was Dr. Lyons.” I showed her the picture of him in the Society app and told her all about my dinner date from hell.
“Well that’s amazing,” she said. “Now you don’t have to break up with him.”
“Are you crazy? I can never see him again! I cheated on him with himself and raped him all at the same time. How is that even a thing that’s possible?”
“I have to admit, that is a pretty impressive feat. But if you think about it, this is kind of perfect.”
“Hold that thought.” My whole body was yelling at me. My head hurt. My chest felt tight. And don’t get me started about my horribly uncomfortable slacks. Whoever invented pants should be shot. I was going to lose my mind if I didn’t get a glass of wine and change into some spandex shorts within the next five seconds. So I did exactly that. Well, kind of. Technically it was an entire bottle of wine. But after the day I’d had, it felt like the right choice. And I wasn’t a total monster - I grabbed one for Chastity too.
“Wha
t was I saying?” she asked as we clinked bottles.
I took a huge gulp straight from my bottle. “Something about my disaster of a life actually being perfect?”
“Oh, right. I mean, how isn’t it perfect? Dr. Lyons still wants to be with you. And he has a huge penis. So you can keep dating him and make Tanner super jealous. Win, win, win.”
“Blowing Dr. Lyons isn’t going to make Tanner jealous. It’s going to make him think I’m a disgusting slut.” Because I am. I’m a dirty, rapey, slutbag. I took another huge swig of wine.
“Tanner can’t really be mad. You two aren’t dating, it was only a blowjob, and you were trying to blow him for God’s sake. It was just a classic masquerade ball mix-up.”
“A what?”
“You know…when you go to a masquerade ball with your boyfriend and think you’re banging him, but really it’s some other dude. Technically it’s not cheating since you had good intentions.”
“Are you sure that’s a thing?”
Chastity nodded. “Haven’t you read Lulu the Love Doctor’s blog? She talks about it all the time.”
“All the time? How often could that situation possibly come up?”
“A lot, apparently. At least in the inner circles of the Manhattan elite. You know how rich people love to throw a good masquerade party. Daddy used to throw them all the time. But it doesn’t even matter. Tanner’s never going to know what you did.”
“I have to tell him, don’t I?”
“No. What you do with other men before he asks you to be his girlfriend is none of his business. You’re a 28-year-old divorcee. I’m sure Tanner doesn’t have any illusions about you still being a virgin. Think of it this way: Do you want to know his sexual history?”
“Not really.” Suddenly all I could picture was him hooking up with every girl in the Society. The thought of it made my stomach turn over. Or maybe I just felt sick from downing half a bottle of wine. Either way, I realized that I needed to be more assertive with Tanner. I was done playing games. They just weren’t my thing. I wasn’t smooth enough to play games. There was only one solution. No more making him jealous. Which meant no more dating Dr. Lyons.
