The Society #StalkerProblems

by Ivy Smoak

  “I think you might have missed the texts about the guy always being busy hanging out with his wife.”

  “Not at all. She sounds like a needy bitch. I bet he’s so unhappy in his marriage.”

  “Yeah. He was definitely overcompensating by referring to the love of his life in every other text and gushing about how he was happier than he’d ever been in his whole life.”

  “Exactly. Let’s keep reading. I need to find out everything I can about my future sugar daddy.” Chastity grabbed the mouse and started scrolling through the conversation between Tanner and his best friend. She paused on a line where Tanner addressed him as Matt. “Matt,” she said. “Not the sexiest name ever, but it’ll work.”

  The name made me cringe. “Does his best friend really have to be named Matt? That’s like the worst name ever.” I would never get over the incident. And therefore anything reminding me of Matthew Caldwell made me want to die. But it was the same date where I’d gotten to text Penny…so…pros and cons. But seriously, if I ever saw that Matt again, I would definitely jump in a dumpster to avoid him. I wouldn’t even think twice this time.

  “Pssssh. Worst name ever? More like hottest name ever.”

  I thought you just said it wasn’t sexy?

  Chastity bit her lip. “I’m gonna call him Matty Daddy.”

  “Do you have to?”

  “Don’t be jealous.”

  “I’m really not. Just pray that your first meeting with this Matt isn’t nearly as awkward as my date with Matthew Caldwell was.”

  “Dude, what if his best friend is Matthew Caldwell?”

  “No. Nope.” I shook my head. “Not possible.” Right?

  “You sure? Because Matthew Caldwell is super rich. And we’re only working with Tanner because he has a contract with Matt’s brother. So we know that they at least run in the same circles. And he was just hanging out with James in his office. Isn’t James friends with Matt? And when we first got told about Tanner coming in, didn’t Bee say he was a friend? They all hang out together!”

  Oh good God, she was right. “Chastity.” I grabbed her hand to make her stop looking at the texts because I’d just remembered something. Something horribly terrible. “When Tanner was joking about being a genie…he said he couldn’t be with me because he had a flaming genie penis.”

  Chastity laughed. “He was just messing with you.”

  “I know that. But it’s not funny. What if…what if he keeps running away from me because he’s scared that I’m going to set him on fire? Like I set his best friend Matt on fire. With the flaming penis incident. Because Matt told him all about it. Why else would he say he had a flaming penis? God, he knows about the incident.”

  Chastity thought it over. “If that was true, he wouldn’t still be into you. And he’s definitely into you. It’s probably a different Matt. I shouldn’t have even said anything. Think of all the Matts there are in the world.”

  “But you just said James, Bee, and Mason are friends with him. Of course Matt is too.”

  “Surely. But that doesn’t mean it’s his best friend. Think about all the Hannahs he had in his phone. Matt is just as common of a name as Hannah.”

  True.

  “Besides, his best friend Matt is going to be a hot single rich guy. I’m visualizing it, so it’s gotta happen. Ohh! Look. Tanner just got a text from Nigel the houseboy. Five dollars says it’s a dick pic.”

  Well, if that wasn’t a good distraction from the Matt question, I didn’t know what was. “You’re on. I’m telling you, Tanner’s not gay.” I opened the conversation. I was happy to see that it was just a text confirming that he’d booked a yacht for the launch party. “I win.”

  “You got lucky. Scroll back and I bet you’ll find the good stuff.” She grabbed my mouse and started looking through the rest of the conversation. It was all pretty boring and decidedly unsexy. Except for one text…

  “Wait,” I said. “What’s that?” I pointed at a text from a few weeks ago:

  Nigel: Good news, Master. The island is fully stocked with everything you might need in case you have to make a quick getaway.

  “What do you think it means?” I asked.

  “I guess he owns a private island,” said Chastity. “Man, I still can’t believe you somehow called dibs on him before me. Do you think Matt owns a private island too? I bet he does. Imagine the things you could do to a beautiful man on a private island…”

  “I was more focused on the bit about Tanner needing to make a quick getaway. Now we have concrete evidence that he does in fact have someone that he’s scared of.” I’d never been so happy to know that someone was in grave danger. Because for a while I’d been thinking that he just kept pulling away during our kisses because he found me repulsive. And now my most recent fear: that he knew about the incident. But this kinda proved that he didn’t. Hopefully.

  We kept searching for more clues in the thread, but hours of work turned up nothing. I stood up and stretched my back out. “This is insane. How does he not have more stuff on his phone?”

  “I dunno. He must really believe in inbox-zero, because he’s basically applied it to his entire digital life. I’m pretty sure my grandparents use their phones more than he does, despite their complete disregard for internet etiquette. Apparently forwards have migrated from AOL to Facebook messenger.”

  I shut my laptop and put it in my bag. “Oh well. Even if he doesn’t use his phone much, he still has it with him all the time. He’s bound to let something slip when he thinks no one is listening. And if not, then the GPS will lead us right to Club Onyx.”

  “You know what that means, right?” Chastity looked so excited, which made me incredibly nervous. Recently all of her ideas seemed to be geared around embarrassing me as much as possible.

  “Um…do I have to send Tanner some naked photos or something?”

  “Ohhh, you little slut! I bet you want to send him some nudies. But no, why would that be my plan? My plan is to have a stakeout! Only instead of sitting in an unmarked van eating donuts and drinking coffee, we get to go back to your place and eat pizza. And try on every Odegaard dress in your new closet. Best. Stakeout. Ever!!!”

  “I actually kind of love that idea.”

  “Of course you do. It’s an objectively good idea.”

  It was. Except for one little detail. Chastity ordered the pizza before we were home. And we couldn’t get a taxi to save our lives. So the pizza arrived before we did.

  “Stop right there, Rutherford!” I yelled as we exited the stairwell. He was just about to open the pizza box sitting outside my apartment door.

  “Stop what?” he asked. “I just saw your pizza sitting here and I wanted to make sure no hoodlums stole it.”

  “There’s only one hoodlum in this building.”

  “Nathan from 3B? I couldn’t agree more. What a little asshole.”

  “Nathan is an infant. I was talking about you. I know that you always lick my pizzas.”

  “Who, moi?!” said Homeless Rutherford in the most overdramatic way possible.

  “Yes, yoi,” I said, trying to be clever. It did not sound clever. It just sounded like I forgot how to speak.

  “Well now I regret keeping your pizza safe. I wasn’t even going to charge you for my services. But now…”

  “How many times do I have to tell you that I do not have any spare money to pay you for your services.”

  “Is he a prostitute?” whispered Chastity very loudly.

  “I beg your pardon,” said Rutherford. “I’m not a prostitute. I’m a hardworking citizen who happened to come across some hard times. But if you have any honest work, I’m more than happy to help.”

  “Just hand over the pizza,” I said. But then an even better idea came to me. “Actually, I’ll give you that entire pizza. You can lick it to your heart’s content. But there is one condition.”

  Chapter 48 - My Third Wish

  Tuesday

  “Name your price,” said Rutherford with
a little lick of his lips. I’d never seen someone so eager to lick a pizza.

  How can I word this? I wanted to give him as little information as possible. I knew he licked pizzas, but it was entirely possible he’d love to lick all of my shiny new clothes too if he knew they existed. “I need to know if you’ve seen any construction workers in this building recently. Specifically on my floor and the floor above us. And the one above that.” I still couldn’t believe my closet had three stories.

  He furrowed his brow, almost enough to knock his busted glasses right off his face. “Let’s see…there were those guys repairing the pothole on the corner. I’m glad they’re done. Those perverts kept wolf-whistling at me whenever I opened the door for a beautiful woman. Apparently seeing a gentleman in action really revved their engines, if you know what I mean.”

  “Are you sure they were whistling at you?” I asked. Pretty sure it was probably more about the women…

  Rutherford nodded. “Um, have you seen this new pair of skinny jeans that I found on 5th Avenue a month ago?”

  “I have.” But I wish I hadn’t. You can never unsee something like that.

  “We’re getting a little off topic here,” said Chastity. “Listen, Rutherford. Ash’s smoking hot billionaire boyfriend turned her neighbor’s apartment into a three-story closet filled with millions of dollars’ worth of designer clothes, and we need to know how he did it. So did you see any construction workers in the building or not?”

  No! Bad Chastity! Don’t tell him all that!

  Rutherford stared at her. “Billionaire boyfriend? Three-story closet? Hasn’t anyone ever told you that it’s insensitive to brag about such things to someone who lives in a cardboard box?”

  I forced a laugh. “Chastity just has a weird sense of humor. I don’t actually have a three-story closet. But someone did do some unexpected construction work in my apartment without me knowing.”

  “Mhm. Sure.” Rutherford did not sound convinced. “I’m afraid I can’t be much help, though. Because I didn’t see any construction workers in the building recently.”

  “Are you sure?” I asked. “How is that possible?”

  He shrugged. “It’s not like I keep a constant watch. I’m a homeless man, not a security guard.”

  “What about last Thursday?”

  “Let me check my planner.” Rutherford pulled out a very worn-looking Playboy magazine and leafed to a random page. “Last Thursday I was dumpster diving at the Gochujang Palace, of course. Everyone knows that’s the day they throw out all their unused shrimp.” He put his fingers to his lips and gave a chef’s kiss. “Delizioso!”

  I suppressed a gag. “Dude, Thursday is exactly the day I was wondering about. Give me my pizza back!”

  “That wasn’t part of the deal.” He opened up the pizza box and licked all of it. Every inch. Then he sashayed away down the hall. “Ciao!”

  “Damn it. Rutherford is the worst. And when did he get so Italian?”

  “No idea,” said Chastity. “I know he said he isn’t here all the time, but he’s here an awful lot. What are the odds of Tanner being able to build such a massive closet without Rutherford or either of us seeing any construction workers? Or for that matter…how did we not hear them? They were doing renovations four floors above me a few months ago and it was the most annoying freaking thing in the world.”

  “Yeah, it just doesn’t make any sense.” I walked into my apartment and flopped down on the couch.

  “I told you it was vampire magic!”

  “Since when can vampires silently construct the world’s biggest closet? That was nowhere in the literature.”

  “Do you have a better explanation?” Chastity’s phone buzzed before I could answer. “Oh! Tanner has an incoming call.” She hit a few buttons and then Tanner’s phone call was playing through her speakers.

  “We’ve got a problem,” said a deadpan voice. Marty the PI. I’d recognize his voice anywhere.

  “Talk to me,” said Tanner.

  “Your email has been compromised.”

  “Impossible.”

  “Then how do you explain your email being accessed by two different IP addresses this morning?”

  “Maybe I left it open on my laptop?”

  “Nope. The second IP was masked with some pretty sophisticated code. It was definitely malicious.”

  “Shit. Do you think it’s dodo?” Tanner suddenly sounded very nervous. I’d never heard him like that before.

  Dodo?

  “Could be. Either way, you need to trash your phone and laptop ASAP. And any other device you’ve used to access your email in the last 24 hours.”

  “Got it. Thanks for the heads up.” Tanner’s words were followed by a splash, a loud cracking noise, and then silence.

  “Did he just throw his phone in a puddle and stomp on it?” I asked.

  Chastity turned her phone towards me. Dexter’s app displayed a big error message: CONNECTION LOST. “Yup.”

  “Well…at least we got a name of who he’s afraid of. Dodo.”

  “Like the extinct bird? Or like…two female deer?”

  “He said it like it was all one word. Let’s assume for a moment that he doesn’t have an irrational fear of extinct birds. That means dodo must be…an organization? Or an acronym?” I opened Google and searched for dodo. The first result was TheDodo.com. From what I could tell it featured a bunch of cute animals and encouraged pet adoptions.

  “Aw, they’re so cute. I’ve always wanted to get a little dog that I could carry around in my purse. Wouldn’t that be perfect for me?”

  “Only if you want your entire apartment to be covered in hair. #SatanStalin.” I shuddered.

  “Um…what did you just say?” asked Chastity.

  “#SatanStalin. Because dogs are the offspring of Satan and Stalin.”

  “No they aren’t. They’re poofy little adorable things.”

  “Agree to disagree. Because I’m right and you’re a fascist.” Or a communist? I really needed to brush up on my World War 2 history. “Anyway, let’s try to stay focused. Is Tanner scared of the people who own this site?” A video of a kitten drinking from a baby bottle popped up on the homepage. “I’m not really getting murderous cartel vibes here.”

  “I don’t know,” said Chastity. “Animal rights people can get nasty. Maybe Tanner got caught wearing fur? Ohhh! Or maybe he’s a big game hunter.”

  “Those are definitely weird rich person things to do. But I don’t think that’s it. That wouldn’t create an unpayable debt. He could make those people happy by giving PETA a big donation. Or by posing nude for one of their ad campaigns.” A wonderful image popped into my head. I shook my head and tried to focus.

  “I agree. I don’t think animal activists are the ones he’s afraid of. And Tanner doesn’t seem like a hunter. The only big game I could see him hunting is cougars. Winky face.” Chastity laughed at her own joke.

  What the hell? Really…what did she mean by that? Had she seen Tanner hanging out with a bunch of old ladies recently or something? Before I could ask, Chastity composed herself and started talking again.

  “What else comes up for dodo? Maybe it’s an acronym?”

  “Let’s see…” I added acronym to my search and three possibilities came up. “Dealer Owned Dealer Operated. Apparently referring specifically to the petroleum industry?”

  “Nope. Next.”

  “Director of Digital Operations.”

  Chastity shook her head.

  “And finally, Dad of Daughters Only.”

  “That’s it?”

  “Yup. I kind of like that last one. The idea of Tanner pissing off a girl-dad is kind of hilarious.”

  “Wait…what if that’s it?!”

  I laughed. But Chastity didn’t. “Wait, are you serious?” I asked.

  “Yes. Think about it. Tanner is part of a sex club. What if he fucked some dude’s daughter? Or all of his daughters. Maybe even all at the same time. That could potentially piss a guy off e
nough for them to accept nothing less than revenge.”

  “Holy shit. I think you’re right!” That little man-slut!

  “The best part is that this is so easy to fix. Once we find out whose daughter he banged, you can just pretend to be Tanner’s daughter and let the guy revenge-bang you. And then you and Tanner can live happily ever after.”

  “Oh right. Since Tanner would totally be cool with me banging someone else.”

  “Did you learn nothing from those videos I gave you?”

  “The porn?”

  “Yes! Specifically the ones where the wives paid off their husbands’ gambling debts by fucking on camera? The husbands were always so appreciative.”

  “Now I have to film it too?!” This plan just keeps getting worse and worse. “I just got rid of one sex tape. I’m not going to make another!”

  “That part is probably negotiable,” said Chastity. “I guess it really depends on if Tanner made a sex tape with the dude’s daughter…”

  A knock at the door interrupted our conversation.

  “You expecting company?” asked Chastity.

  “Nope.”

  “Oh! It’s probably a date card!” Chastity ran to the door.

  I was right behind her. Society date tonight with Tanner?! Yes!

  Chastity squealed with excitement. “It’s an envelope!”

  It was. But it was blue rather than black. And it was a little bigger than the Society invitations usually were.

  Chastity tore into it and pulled out another envelope. This one had a message scrawled on the front:

  Ash,

  If I disappear, open this envelope.

  -Tanner

  He’d sent me a just-in-case note? I blinked fast to make sure I wouldn’t start crying. I’d told him how much I wished Rosalie had left a note behind. And he remembered.

  “Wow,” said Chastity. “The idea of dodo tapping Tanner’s phone really has him shook.”

  “Yeah, good thing it was just us though. So he has nothing to worry about. Either way…this is like, the cutest thing ever.”

  “Him being afraid is cute?”

  “No. Him giving me this note is cute. The other day I told him that I always wished Rosalie would have left me a note. So when he thought he might be in danger…he sent me a note.”