Return to Totara Park

by Shirley Wine

  “In my drawer,” Winsome mumbled.

  Lacey, undeterred by her mother’s dismissive tone, scrambled off the bed and flew out to the other room, returning with the matching photo and put it on Winsome’s bedside table.

  “There.” Lacey smiled with childish innocence. “Now you will be happy here.”

  Jared laughed uproariously.

  Winsome flushed, embarrassed. She could cheerfully throttle Lacey. Rueful, she knew she loved her daughter too much to harm a single hair on her head.

  “Let’s leave Mummy to enjoy her breakfast in peace, Lacey,” he said, steering the child out of the room before she could embarrass Winsome further.

  After they had gone, Winsome gave up all pretence of eating. She picked up the photo of herself and Matthew and stared at it.

  Suddenly the tragedy was too close.

  She stumbled out of bed and crossed to the window looking down the garden to the rose bed. Once it had been a lily pond. Leaning her face on the cold glass, she stared with unseeing eyes. Hands gripped her shoulders, pulling her back against a hard chest.

  “Nothing will bring him back.”

  “Oh God,” she whispered, suddenly furiously angry as she spun around. “Do you think I don’t know that?”

  For long, brutal moments their gazes clashed, and then Jared closed his eyes, rubbing a weary hand across his forehead. He opened them, a flint hard expression on his face.

  “Are you taking the pill?”

  “There’s been no need,” she said, a flush staining her cheeks. Why hadn’t she started as soon as she knew she would be coming back?

  “I would like another child, Winsome,” he said, his expression hard.

  Oh Jared, she thought despairingly. Another child is the last thing we need until we’ve faced the past.

  “Daddy, you promised to take me to see the puppies,” Lacey piped up impatiently from the doorway.

  Jared released his hold on Winsome’s shoulder and turned towards the little girl watching them, a halfway smile on her face. As he looked at Lacey, Winsome saw a wistful longing in his expression and knew he’d missed the healing of Lacey’s childhood.

  Jared and Lacey were eating breakfast when Winsome walked into the kitchen, carrying her breakfast tray. He gave her an intense look that brought heat surging into her cheeks.

  “There’s more coffee made,” he said, his devilish grin set her pulses racing. “Tomorrow morning I expect breakfast on the table when I get in. We don’t keep city hours here.”

  “Yes oh lord and master.” She turned towards him and made a derisive half bow.

  “I see you understand me perfectly,” he mocked.

  For long moments they clashed gazes and the room was filled with turbulent emotion. “If you think I’m ever going to lick your boots, Jared Grainger, you can think again.”

  Lacey watched them, her eyes wide and apprehensive.

  Jared leaned over and ruffled her hair in a playful gesture. “Mummy and I are only teasing, pumpkin. We’re not angry.”

  “Susie’s mummy and daddy have fights. Her daddy hits them,” Lacey confided, her eyes wide and fearful. “You won’t hit me?”

  For several stunned moments Jared stared at Lacey in shocked disbelief then looked at Winsome, his expression so fierce, she quailed. She didn’t have to be a mind reader to understand the question in his eyes.

  He thought she’d told Lacey he was a violent man.

  “Lacey.” Winsome sucked in a horrified breath, catching the child’s hands in hers. “Jared would never hit you. Or me either.”

  Jared visibly relaxed and pulled the little girl onto his knee, questioning her gently. “Have you been in the house when Susie’s parents were fighting?”

  “No, but Susie has bruises.” The fear in Lacey’s voice was unmistakable.

  Jared stroked a hand over her head and then held her face between the palms of his hands, looking her straight in the eye.

  “Real men don’t hit their wives and daughters, Lacey. You never need to be frightened with me, I promise.”

  Watching his tenderness with Lacey, Winsome was more than a little envious. The child melted against him, smiling up at him, her little face alight with trust.

  Winsome swallowed hard, her emotions warring between relief and despair.

  “Why’s your voice so loud?” Lacey switched the subject blithely.

  “That’s because I’m a man, pumpkin.” Jared chuckled, changing his voice to a high falsetto. “I’d sound pretty stupid talking like this wouldn’t I?”

  They all laughed and Jared lifted her back on her chair. “Now hurry up and eat your breakfast, young lady,” he growled in a mock ferocious voice. “We have work to do.”

  Lacey obeyed and demolished her breakfast.

  Winsome was impressed. Much as she adored her, Lacey could be a real handful.

  “I didn’t know that Susie’s father hit her,” Winsome said as they did the breakfast dishes while Lacey fed Casper. “I wondered why she was so scared.”

  “To a little girl it would be a pretty scary thought. Does she go to kindergarten?”

  “She does, I’d like her to go to one here. Where’s the closest?”

  “Ask Catherine. She’ll point you in the right direction. She needs friends,” he gave her a thoughtful look, “and it would do you good to have friends as well.”

  Winsome had never made any friendships during their brief, failed marriage. She’d been so insecure in Gaelen’s house she’d never regarded it as her home. As for inviting friends to visit…she nearly laughed.

  Jared’s mouth thinned as her eyes skittered away. With an impatient exclamation he pulled her into his arms and kissed her. Winsome, after a brief struggle, gave herself up to the drowning passion he aroused.

  “What are you doing?” Lacey demanded with child-like bluntness.

  “I’m kissing your mummy.” Jared raised his head and looked at his daughter.

  “Why?”

  “Because that’s what mums and dads do.”

  “Are we going to get a new baby?” Lacey demanded, watching them, her head held at an inquiring angle.

  Winsome buried her face against his shoulder, shaking with suppressed laughter. She could feel an answering tremble in Jared’s chest.

  “If I hadn’t taken you last night and known you were as starved as I was, I’d wonder what sort of education you’d given this kid,” he muttered in her ear.

  “Are we?” Lacey demanded, impatient at their lack of response. “Susie said kissing made babies.”

  “Well Susie got it wrong. And you don’t ask such personal questions,” Jared said sternly. “They’re very rude. Okay?”

  Lacey stood looking at him, her bottom lip jutting stubbornly.

  They looked so alike, father and daughter; Winsome found it a struggle to smother her laughter.

  Jared put Winsome aside, walked over to the little girl and squatted down, looking her squarely in the eye. For a few more moments she defied him, then, seeing something in his expression, she capitulated.

  “Okay,” she said, subdued. The next instant she perked up and asked, “Are we going out on the farm now?”

  “Have you got gumboots?” Lacey nodded at Jared’s question. “Go get them and then we’ll go, okay?”

  “Yay—,” Lacey yelled, punching the air, mimicking her favourite cartoon character as she skidded out the door in search of her boots.

  “I think it’s just as well she’s out of Susie’s orbit,” he said darkly as he stood up.

  “Two days in your company and she’s asking questions she’s never asked before.” Winsome batted her eyelids in mock innocence. “You’re the bad influence.”

  Jared paused in the doorway and looked down at her, his expression harsh and compelling as he put a hand on her shoulder. “I was serious when I suggested we have another child.”

  “And what if I don’t want one?” She asked, lifting her chin to a stubborn angle. “What if I think bri
nging another child into our lives at this time is irresponsible?”

  For long tense moments their gazes clashed and then he sighed and spread his hands in an expressive gesture.

  “I guess yours is the ultimate decision.” He paused, looking at her and something in his eyes made her heart race. “Lacey needs a sibling.”

  Anger clutched at Winsome’s throat, bitter and all-consuming.

  “Lacey had a sibling, Jared.” Her harsh whisper held years of pent-up anger. “Had you listened to me and found us our own home with a child-safe garden he would be alive today.”

  “And had you been watching him instead of reading…” he muttered furiously, spinning on his heel.

  She gasped and grabbed his arm. “You are so wrong.”

  Slowly he turned back to her, his amber eyes filled with a fierce anger, the cast of his face as hard and unforgiving as a slab of concrete.

  It was all she could do not to cry out in pain.

  “Wrong?” he asked in a low, fierce voice. “My memory must be better than yours then. I saw the book you were reading, remember?”

  Pain, sharp and breath-stealing, seared as she was almost crushed beneath the burden of grief and guilt that robbed her of words.

  With a muffled curse, he spun away and through a haze of misery she looked at his stiff, retreating figure. Could they ever find a pathway through the maze Gaelen had made of their love, or would they always end up in the dead ends of anger and distrust?

  For long treacherous moments Winsome hovered on the brink of returning inside, packing a bag and leaving. She didn’t have to put up with Jared’s suspicion. Totara Park and Harvey’s manipulation were his problem, not hers.

  And then she watched Jared crouch and talk to Lacey.

  The little girl gazed at him, her smile delighted, her expression rapt. And Winsome knew that if she left she would have to live with the knowledge she was a coward for the rest of her life. Walking away would solve nothing. Like it or not she and Jared had deep, serious issues to address. Unfinished business.

  And despite her own angry bitterness and Jared’s neglect of his daughter, she had no right to deny Lacey this chance to bond with her father. Besides, she thought grimly, turning tail and running would play into Gaelen’s hands.

  And that was no option at all.

  Just imagining her mother-in-law’s delight if she learned that Winsome had returned to Totara Park and then promptly left was sufficient to firm her resolve. She wouldn’t quit on Jared or their marriage, yet. With a shaky sigh, she realised she’d lagged way behind and hurried to catch up.

  “This is Daisy.” Jared was talking to Lacey and steadying her as she sat on the top bar of the gate so she could see the placid Jersey cow grazing nearby. “She gives us our milk.”

  “She’s new?” Winsome asked, struggling to keep her feelings tightly controlled. She wasn’t masochistic enough to lay out any tender feelings only to have Jared stomp all over them in his hob-nail boots.

  “Our old cow didn’t get in calf and she had to be culled. Fortunately for us I bought Daisy, so she wasn’t sold with all the other stock.”

  The enigmatic glance he slanted her way confirmed that he well remembered how much she had hated it when she had discovered that the bullocks they fattened ended up on people’s dinner plates.

  With an effort, she remained impassive. She was no more comfortable with the knowledge now than she’d been in the past, but she would be a hypocrite to protest. After all, fattening beef had supported her lifestyle for years.

  “She’s very young?” Her words sounded so knowledgeable she surprised herself. When had she learned that much about cattle?

  “Only a heifer.” Jared gave her a searching look as if her unguarded comment had startled him as well. “Heifers are the easiest to break into a share milking arrangement. You can lock the calf up for me each evening?”

  There was no mistaking the cynical amusement couching that comment. He knew that the thought of having to separate the calf from his mother so they could get milk scared the daylights out of her. But with grim resolve, Winsome was determined to prove she was no longer the timid city girl, scared of everything on four legs.

  “If you show me what to do, I’ll do it.” She met his amused glance with a cool, haughty one of her own. He did it, so how hard could it be?

  The smile he gave her was the first genuine one she’d seen since her return. The warm approval in his eyes gave her hope, sweet, sweet hope.

  “I’ll help you until we have other cattle. The poultry though will be solely your domain.”

  That made her chuckle. Anything smaller than she was surely wouldn’t present much of a challenge. Hens were hardly intimidating creatures.

  They walked across to the wire netting enclosure where brown hens ran up and down inside the wire, crawking and jabbering as they were wont to do at the sight of anyone bearing food.

  A farm, she decided with genuine amusement, was a food chain in action. You feed me and I’ll feed you.

  “The pellets are kept in the shed. The hens are fed morning and night.” He opened the door and took the lid off an old cream can, scooping out a small plastic bucket of feed that he handed to Lacey. “Here, throw this to the hens then collect the eggs from the nest boxes.”

  All eager excitement, Lacey took the bucket and went through the gate. As she threw pellets onto the ground the hens scrabbled frantically around her feet, eating as fast as they could. Her uninhibited laughter was so infectious and delightful both Jared and Winsome forgot their differences as they watched.

  Their little girl was blossoming.

  “Make sure you put the lid back on the container to keep out rats and mice, and tell me before you run out of grain so we can get more,” he said, holding the door as she emerged from the fowl house, the small bucket half full of brown eggs.

  “Look, Daddy.” Lacey was so proud you could be forgiven for thinking she’d laid the eggs herself.

  “Clever girl.” He took the bucket, sitting it on top of the nesting box. “We’ll leave it here until we come back from the shed.” He grinned at Winsome. “Fly, my dog, loves eggs. Don’t leave them anywhere she can find them or we’ll have none. It used to make Mother furious.”

  Jared’s off-hand reference to Gaelen created instant tension. Winsome shivered convulsively, filled with apprehension when he stiffened. Like a fool, she’d thought that because Gaelen no longer lived here her presence wouldn’t come between them.

  “I think we should go and visit Mother on Sunday.” He was first to break the uncomfortable silence. “It would be best if we tried to mend fences. You and Lacey can come with me.”

  Visit Gaelen? Not in this lifetime. Jared had to be out of his ever-loving mind.

  “Dream on.” She said scornfully, lifting her chin and meeting his challenging stare head on. “I refuse to visit her, nor will I allow you to take Lacey.”

  Surely even Gaelen wouldn’t expect them to visit after stripping the homestead as she had.

  “Why do you hate her?” He shoved his hands in his pockets, his intense gaze never wavering from her face.

  “The woman’s a viper.”

  “Maybe, but she’s still my mother. Isn’t it better to make bridges?”

  Jared looked so genuinely baffled she found herself struggling with tears. What was it about men? Couldn’t they see through the lies and deceit?

  “Why?” She laughed, the bitter sound echoing on the still air. “Gaelen hated me on sight, Jared. And nothing’s changed. Had I been a crown princess I wouldn’t have been good enough to marry you.”

  A gamut of expression chased across his hard face and he shook his head as if in disbelief. Dared she hope that she could make him understand?

  “Surely not—,” he murmured, and she had the uncomfortable feeling he was talking to himself.

  Were men born blind? Was it a gender deficit that made them incapable of seeing through shallow charm to a rotten heart?

&n
bsp; “You saw her on the night of Harvey’s funeral.” She gave another scorn-filled laugh. “Believe me, that was one of her milder displays of her hatred and dislike.”

  For several moments he rocked back on his heels as if he was weighing her words and wringing from them every nuance of meaning.

  “What are you implying?” he asked, his expression searching.

  Anger and anguish bubbled up but, with a superhuman effort, she pushed it down. Could she explain, make him understand what her life in Gaelen’s house had been like?

  “She was so cruel.” Winsome shivered but met his eyes, willing him to understand. “From the day you brought me here, she made my life hell.”

  For long moments they just looked at each other. Jared caught her hand and held it in a tight grip. “If things were that bad why didn’t you say something?”

  Why indeed? What could she say?

  Winsome swallowed, trying to dislodge the lump in her throat that threatened to choke her. There was so much Jared didn’t know. Now the telling had reached such horrific proportions she didn’t know where to begin.

  Who could ever have thought that one tiny white lie by omission could ever have produced such disastrous consequences?

  “Were you frightened of me?”

  Winsome shivered. Jared’s voice was quiet but carried an implacable note that meant he intended to get answers.

  “No,” she admitted, and yet that wasn’t the truth either.

  She had been frightened. Frightened that when Jared knew the dark secret in her past that he wouldn’t…couldn’t love her. Looking at him, she realised she hadn’t trusted his love.

  “Did you resent my mother loving me?”

  For several moments she stared at him in shocked astonishment. He actually thought she was jealous of Gaelen’s love for him?

  “God spare me from such love.” Her laugh was mirthless. “Gaelen is jealously possessive of you, Jared. To the point of being obsessive.”

  “That’s ridiculous,” he said flatly.

  “Is it?” She pushed her face closer to his. “Then tell me Jared, why did you insist we get married before I met your parents?”

  That rocked him back on his heels. His eyes widened as shock and recognition chased across his face. He rubbed a hand over his eyes, then opened his mouth but whatever he was going to say was lost as, with a sharp imprecation, he realised Lacey had vanished.