Love for Scale

by Michaela Greene

  But then she stopped herself; she’d come too far to throw it all away for some comfort food. She didn’t need egg roll and Cantonese chow mein therapy. She just needed a meal. Food to live on, not to live for.

  So even though going out was the last thing she wanted to do, she grabbed her car keys and her coat. Off to the grocery store to find some healthy food to stock her cupboards.

  * * *

  It didn’t take long for Rachel to hit the bottom of the ice cream container with her spoon. And when she did, it was only then that she realized what she had done. She had broken the number one rule of grocery shopping: she had gone when she was ravenous. Salad just wouldn’t do.

  Her willpower had abandoned her, leaving her only with a grumbling stomach and weak resolve.

  Knowing she was making a big mistake, but unable to help herself, she pulled open the big freezer door, said hello to her long lost friends, Ben and Jerry, took out the pint of Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough and put it into her cart. Thinking better of it, she grabbed the ice cream and abandoned her full cart in the frozen foods section, heading for the express aisle. Her diet devil feared a sudden wave of consciousness and forced Rachel to hurry up and buy the ice cream before her resolve returned. She practically threw her money at the cashier and walked as quickly as she could from the store.

  And now, sitting on the couch with a bloated and aching belly, Rachel cried. She pushed the ice cream container (mostly empty other than a few spoonfuls around the sides) away from her. “What is wrong with me?” she said out loud.

  She needed help. She needed her sponsor. No one else could possibly understand what she had just done other than someone who’d been there. She was ashamed but more than that, she was terrified.

  Finn picked up the phone after two rings. “You all done unpacking?” he answered in a cheery voice.

  Rachel could hardly breathe let alone speak. “Finn?” she whispered.

  “Rachel? Are you okay? Is it your dad? What’s the matter?”

  “I pigged out,” she managed, through her sobs.

  She heard him exhale. “Tell me what happened.”

  Rachel took a deep breath and began. “I moved all my stuff in and then there was nothing in the house to eat so I went to the grocery store and I was so hungry and I was stupid and bought the ice cream and I brought it home and ate the whole thing.” She took another breath. “I can’t believe how stupid I was, and now I just want to go to the bathroom and puke and I’m so ashamed.”

  “Do you want me to come over?”

  Rachel shook her head. “No, I don’t want to see anyone. I’m too embarrassed.”

  Finn laughed.

  That hurt. “It’s not funny!”

  “I’m sorry, Rachel, I wasn’t laughing at you. I was just laughing because I’ve had much worse setbacks than eating a pint of ice cream.”

  This is the kind of therapy Rachel had been looking for: real life stories of weakness. “Like what?”

  “I remember this one time, on the anniversary of my parents’ accident I went out to this all you can eat buffet and I ate ribs until I had to go to the bathroom and throw up. And not because I was bulimic, but because I ate myself sick. Have you ever eaten too many spare ribs?” He groaned. “I haven’t been able to look at ribs since. I guess that part is the silver lining to the story.”

  Rachel grinned. “It sounds awful.”

  “Believe me, it was.”

  “Finn? Why do we do this?”

  “I really don’t know. If I did, I’d be a very rich man.”

  “You mean you aren’t? My mom always told me to find a rich man.”

  Finn laughed. “You can tell that mother of yours that I do okay and she won’t have to worry about her daughter being taken care of.”

  Rachel’s heart fluttered. Finn wanted to take care of her. And not in Pearl’s special brand of overbearing, can’t let go, guilt-inducing, Jewish mother type of way either.

  “I was just joking. Your finances are really none of her business,” Rachel said, wondering what ‘doing okay’ actually meant. Not that it mattered: she had her own money and could take care of herself.

  “So you sure you don’t want me to come over? I’d love to see what you’ve done with the place.”

  Rachel snorted as she looked at the disorganized array of boxes in front of her. “It’s not much, trust me. But you know what? I would actually really like it if you came over. We can watch a movie.” Or not, she didn’t say.

  “I’ll be there in twenty.”

  “Oh, and Finn?”

  “Yeah?”

  “If you want anything to eat or drink, you’d better bring it, all I have here is the remnants of a pint of Ben and Jerry’s.”

  “Throw it out. I’ll be there before you know it.”

  She hung up the phone and got off the couch. She tossed the ice cream carton out as instructed. It was just a setback, she told herself. She had not completely fallen off the wagon. Sometimes you just trip up a little. But she was very glad she had Finn to turn to in times of crisis. Although she felt a little bad that she hadn’t been around when he needed a support. Not that she was that strong, but still, it would have been nice to be there for him.

  She smiled to herself as headed to the front hall to move her boxes away from the door.

  He wanted to take care of her.

  Chapter 40

  By the time Finn showed up, Rachel had gotten her second wind.

  She swung the door open the second Finn knocked. She had her coat and shoes on and had been waiting for him in the hall. “I have a better idea than watching a movie.”

  Finn shrugged. “Okay, I’m up for anything as long as it doesn’t include a buffet. What’ve you got in mind?”

  “Take me shopping.”

  Finn looked at his watch. “Now?”

  Rachel nodded. “Yeah, come on. You can show me how to grocery shop. I’ve never lived on my own.”

  “You don’t need me to show you how to buy groceries.”

  “I don’t know how to buy healthy, for one. I’ve relied on my mother all my life. Even recently, since I’ve been on Weight Watchers, I’ve told her what to buy, but I’ve never really shopped on my own.” She dipped her head. “I know it’s lame, but I feel like a real grown up for maybe the first time ever. Come on, do this with me.”

  Finn laughed.

  She blushed. “Stop laughing at me!”

  He shook his head. “I’m not laughing at you.”

  “Yes, you are. Why are you laughing at me?” Her face felt so hot, like she’d just had several glasses of wine.

  “I’m laughing because you’re adorable.”

  Rachel’s eyes dropped to her shoes as even more blood rushed to her face.

  “So tell me, Rachel. How does it feel to be an independent woman?”

  She looked up at him. “It feels pretty good.”

  “Come here,” Finn said, holding out his arms.

  Rachel stepped forward and slid her arms around him inside his coat while he wrapped his around her.

  “It feels really good,” she said into his chest.

  “So do you,” Finn said before kissing the top of her head.

  I could stay like this forever.

  “All right, if we’re going to hit the grocery store, let’s go. Now, normally I shop with a list, but I’m guessing you need everything?”

  Rachel nodded. “I don’t think Sheri even left me a salt shaker.”

  “Don’t worry, Finn Schwartz is on the job.” He turned toward the door.

  “Wait a minute,” Rachel said, waiting for him to turn back toward her.

  “What?”

  “I didn’t get a proper ‘hello.’” Standing up on her tiptoes, Rachel gave him a kiss. It was supposed to be a peck, but it turned into more, tempting her to skip the shopping trip.

  “Hello,” Finn smiled down at her when they parted, his eyes half-lidded. “I can’t believe I was going to miss out on that.”


  Rachel fought the blush, but it was no use. “Ready to go?”

  He nodded and turned back toward the door.

  Once his back was to her, Rachel took a breath. Wow, he was a good kisser.

  * * *

  Over an hour later they returned to the apartment, both carrying full grocery bags. Rachel’s bank account was significantly impacted; she’d forgotten that she would have to start from scratch on the basics. She had to buy everything from salt to aluminum foil to milk and tea.

  And Finn had been a wealth of information on the best things to buy that would enable her to stick to her diet.

  By the time the groceries were put away, Rachel was exhausted.

  “Want to watch a movie?” Finn asked, leaning against the counter and facing her in the galley kitchen.

  Rachel just wanted to crawl into bed and pass out, but she also didn’t want him to leave; it was nice having him there, making her forget, even temporarily, that she would be completely alone in the apartment.

  “Sure, although I have to warn you, I may not make it through the whole thing.”

  He shrugged. “We can just watch some TV.” He leaned toward the fridge and grabbed a diet pop before he pulled open the freezer. “I hope you at least have ice.”

  Rachel rolled her eyes. “Of course, I have ice.” She prayed Sheri had left some trays in the freezer.

  She took a glass from the cupboard and handed it to Finn, who had thankfully found a few not-too shrunken cubes. “Thanks, Rach.”

  Rachel’s stomach turned. Finn had never called her Rach before.

  It seemed like such a lame thing to focus on, but it was a new milestone. A new level of familiarity between them.

  “What? Do I have something on my face?” Finn wiped at his mouth.

  Rachel shook her head. “No, sorry.”

  “So why were you staring at me?”

  “It’s nothing.” Rachel turned and grabbed the kettle, putting it under the faucet to fill it for a tea she didn’t feel like.

  “What is it, Rachel?”

  “It’s stupid.” She turned off the tap.

  “What? What are you talking about?”

  She wasn’t getting away with it. She exhaled. “It’s just, I don’t know. You’ve never called me ‘Rach’ before.” She shrugged, feeling incredibly stupid.

  Finn put his glass of soda on the counter and grabbed her hand. “Do you not want me to?”

  “No, no, it’s a good thing.” Rachel shook her head. Tears came from nowhere and began to fall down her cheeks.

  “So why are you crying?” Finn’s voice was laced with concern.

  Rachel tried to smile, willing the sudden lump from her throat. “I’m…I don’t know why I’m crying. I’m really happy…” she wiped at her eyes. “Maybe they’re happy tears.”

  Finn put his arms around her and pulled her close. “You’ve had a lot on your plate lately. With your dad, and moving out. And how great you’re doing at Weight Watchers. Tonight was just a bit of a slip. I think it would be weird if you weren’t feeling a bit emotional.”

  She gently pushed away from him, looking into his eyes. “You’ve been at the center of everything, Finn. You’re why I’m so happy.”

  “Thank you,” Finn said. “It’s nice to hear you say that.”

  Rachel didn’t know what else to say. Well, there was one thing, but she wasn’t quite ready for that just yet. So instead of fumbling for words, she kissed him.

  After a few minutes, he ended the kiss. He looked down at her and wiped at her tears with his thumb. “C’mon,” he said gently, “Let’s go watch TV.”

  Rachel was almost hoping he would suggest something else, but at the same time was relieved he hadn’t. She nodded and followed him into the living room.

  Chapter 41

  New Year’s Eve was upon Rachel before she knew it. And by the time it arrived, she was an absolute bundle of nerves.

  Finn was scheduled to pick her up at eight and here it was six and she hadn’t even decided what to wear. Although in her own defense, it would be easier to choose an outfit if she knew where she was going. All Finn would tell her was that it was somewhere nice but that she should dress comfortably and save up some food points because she’d be splurging a little.

  To her, ‘comfortable’ meant sweat pants and a t-shirt. That just wouldn’t do for their first date, especially on New Year’s Eve. She had to look special.

  So she had called Andrew on her lunch break and had begged him to slot her in for after she finished work at noon.

  “Are you going out with that guy?” Andrew had asked before he agreed to give her an appointment.

  “You mean Finn? Yes, it’s actually our first real date so it’s very important, Andrew.”

  Andrew actually squealed. If Rachel didn’t know better (having met his wife), she would have sworn Andrew was gay. He was like a walking stereotype. “You get here as soon as you can and I’m going to do those highlights. You will look so hot he won’t be able to keep his hands off you.”

  Rachel didn’t admit that she was actually afraid of that. Still, she wanted to do something different and look good for their first official date.

  So now as she stood in her bedroom which used to be Sheri’s, surveying all her clothes, she was fraught with indecision. Should I wear a skirt? Or are pants okay? What if he takes me to a fancy restaurant and when he said comfortable he meant comfortable black tie?

  She wanted to call him and ask but didn’t want him to know how anxious she was. She was twenty-seven, not twelve. It was embarrassing that, at her age, she was having first date neuroses.

  There was one place she could go for advice.

  “Sheri? I need help,” Rachel moaned into the phone.

  “What’s wrong?”

  “I’m sorry, I know you’re getting ready for that big party…”

  Brian had bought tickets to a huge New Year’s Eve bash down at the convention center and had graciously offered to get a pair for Rachel and Finn, but Finn had declined, saying he had something special in mind for him and Rachel. Although she would have thought the party would have been fun, Rachel was intrigued at the evening Finn had planned for her.

  “Don’t worry about it, I’m pretty much ready. Tell me what’s wrong.”

  Rachel envied her friend’s ability to be calm. Then again, Sheri had plenty of experience with dating; Rachel not so much.

  “Well Finn didn’t tell me where we’re going, but he said I should dress ‘comfortable.’ I assume we’re going out for dinner, but I have no idea where he’s taking me. So what am I supposed to wear?” Her voice got squeaky as her panic began to intensify.

  “Okay Rach, first off, take a deep breath. No seriously, do it.” She paused. “Okay, now just relax. You’ve been out with him a ton of times. There’s no reason to get all nervous. Have you shaved your legs? Please tell me you have.” The amusement was clear in Sheri’s voice.

  Rachel was close to tears. “Sheri, I swear to God…this isn’t funny.”

  “Okay, I’m sorry. Listen. Really, just relax. He is your friend, and you’ve been out with him before. Just think of it that way and there’s nothing to be nervous about. Just take it as it comes. You have a good time with him, right?”

  In spite of her nerves, Rachel smiled. “Yeah, always.”

  “So it’s just another night with him. Don’t get yourself into a tizzy. Although I guess it’s a little bit too late for that.”

  “I just wish I knew where we were going. It would make it easier to figure it out.”

  “Just put on the black skirt and the red blouse. If he said go comfortable, you don’t need a gown or anything. The skirt looks good on you and the red is striking. It’s something a little special. And wear your black pumps. You’ll look great.”

  Rachel smiled. Trust Sheri to diffuse a situation.

  “Thanks. Oh and I went for highlights this afternoon.”

  “Good,” Sheri said, the smile evident in her vo
ice. “I can’t wait to see them. Listen, I’d better go, but don’t worry. You’ll have a great time. Just don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.”

  Rachel laughed. “That’s a lot of latitude.”

  “Yeah well, just don’t overthink it and you’ll have fun. He’s a good guy and he’s lucky to have you.”

  It was times like this that reminded Rachel why Sheri was her best friend. “Thanks again, Sheri. See you next year.”

  “Ha! I guess you’re right. See you next year!”

  Rachel hung up the phone feeling significantly buoyed. And Sheri was right about the outfit, not to mention how great the highlights looked.

  * * *

  Finn was right on time, knocking on Rachel’s door at precisely two minutes to eight. He had insisted that Rachel not meet him downstairs. “A proper date picks you up at your door, not in the lobby,” he had said.

  Rachel got up from the couch, clicking the TV off as she headed for the door. Even though what Sheri had said made sense, Rachel’s heart was pounding as she reached for the door handle.

  She pasted a smile on her face and opened the door.

  Finn had a weird grin on his face, but it disintegrated the second he saw her. She panicked for a half a second as he looked her up and down and shook his head before saying, “Wow, Rachel, you look…well, you look amazing!”

  She blushed, but forced herself not to look down. “Thanks, you look very dapper too.” And he did: wearing black pants and a sport coat over a beige shirt and matching tie. His hair was freshly cut and she wondered if they had just missed each other at Andrew’s salon.

  “Thanks. We’ve got some time, do you mind if I come in for a few minutes?”

  Rachel wondered why Finn wanted to linger at her apartment but shrugged and turned to lead him to the living room.

  “Hold on,” Finn said, stopping her in her tracks.

  She turned.

  He was frowning. “There’s something missing here.” He was looking straight at her. She looked down to make sure all of her blouse buttons were done up. They were. She had no idea what he was talking about.

  “What do you mean?”