Love for Scale

by Michaela Greene

  “Don’t be so paranoid,” Rachel scolded. “I was just waiting for you to fill me in on the rest of the evening’s plans. I can’t imagine that you intended for the evening to wrap up at…” she looked at her watch. “Ten-fifteen.”

  “Oh, sorry,” he looked sheepish. “Now I feel like an idiot. There was actually a party back at the restaurant, but I guess we kind of blew that off.”

  She looked at him sideways. “You said there weren’t plans after dinner.”

  He fidgeted a little. “We could go back…”

  Rachel shrugged. “I don’t think we need to. It’s nice here. Do you have any movies or anything?”

  Finn nodded. “Netflix. You go get comfortable and I’ll get the popcorn.”

  Rachel left him in the kitchen to nuke the popcorn and grab them drinks and headed back to the living room. She was going to turn on the TV, but one look at the three remotes on the coffee table made her realize it was a task best left to him.

  She didn’t have to wait long before Finn brought in a couple of diet cokes while the popcorn popped in the background.

  Rachel pointed at the remotes. “Would you mind? I don’t think I have enough testosterone to figure out how to turn on your TV.”

  Putting the sodas on the table, Finn picked up the middle remote and clicked a button, making four machines light up simultaneously. “It’s on a macro,” he said with a shrug.

  Rachel didn’t pretend to understand what that meant. She opened her soda and took a sip as he turned and left the room.

  He returned a few minutes later with two bowls of popcorn, handing her one before sitting next to her on the couch.

  He grabbed another remote. “Ready?”

  “Ready,” Rachel said.

  * * *

  “Oh, no, Finn!”

  He turned toward her, eyes wide. “What?”

  “It’s three minutes to twelve!” As the credits rolled on the episode of House of Cards.

  Finn turned the TV to the big New York ball, poised to drop in just a few short moments. “I’ve got some champagne. Should I get it?”

  Rachel nodded, excited that for the first time ever she would have someone to kiss at midnight on New Year’s.

  “I’ll help.” She gingerly picked up Dave, who had settled in her lap and placed him on the floor before she jumped up off the couch and followed Finn to the kitchen. She realized when she got there she didn’t know where anything was.

  So she leaned against the counter and watched as he opened the champagne. She looked over at the fridge, at Finn’s Weight Watchers ribbons. Held up by magnets, they almost covered the freezer door; ten, ten-pound ribbons, a fifty-pound ribbon and the daddy of them all, his one hundred pound ribbon. She couldn’t help but be proud of him. Maybe someday she’d have a bunch of her own, but she was still pretty proud of the one she had so far.

  Finn turned toward her and smiled as he reached to the cupboard behind her to grab the glasses. As he poured the champagne, they heard the countdown.

  Ten…nine…eight…He handed her a flute and took his in his hand.

  Seven…six. Finn clinked his glass to Rachel’s.

  Five…four.

  “To a year full of promise.”

  Three…two.

  “To a year full of promise,” Rachel repeated.

  One…

  “Happy New Year!” The crowd on the TV shouted. The horns blew and cheers erupted as Finn leaned forward and kissed Rachel. As his lips lingered on hers, she felt a tug on her glass as he took it from her, freeing her arms to wrap around him.

  It felt so right, standing in Finn’s arms, being kissed. He was an amazing kisser, the best Rachel had ever had: soft and warm, with firm lips that seemed to know just how she liked to be kissed.

  And there was no one in the next room. No one there to walk in and interrupt them. And they weren’t in his car or on her parents’ stoop. And more important than that, he was kissing her because he liked her, not just because she would put out or because she was the last single girl at the end of the night. No, Finn was kissing her because she was her.

  Nothing could have been more perfect.

  Unless…

  Finn’s lips moved toward her ear, kissing all the way there. “Would you like to…?”

  He didn’t need to finish his question; she knew exactly what he was asking.

  And she wanted to say yes, burning with the desire to move this further, toward the bedroom. But there was just so much at stake. And so many fears.

  She ignored his question, inhaled the heady smell of him as he continued to kiss her neck, pretending she hadn’t heard him.

  “I want to make love to you, Rachel,” he whispered as he nuzzled behind her ear.

  Emotion exploded in her chest along with the fireworks that popped and squealed on the TV, marking the dawn of a new year. She couldn’t ignore the sudden weakness in her knees, brought on by his words.

  She gently pushed him away, feeling his heart pounding against her palm. She put her hands on the counter behind her, needing the support. She swallowed, trying to moisten her suddenly very dry mouth. “I…I can’t, Finn.”

  His hand rose to push a stray wisp of hair behind her ear.

  “Is it too soon?” His voice was low, breathy.

  Rachel shook her head, trying to erase the fuzziness from her brain. She felt drunk even though she hadn’t had much alcohol; her body was a veritable still of hormones and emotion.

  And how could she explain that it wasn’t that it was too soon? It was just so steeped in emotion; she was petrified she was going to screw it all up. She’d never been with someone she really cared about before. And she’d definitely never had sex with anyone who had cared about her the way he said he did.

  It was all absolutely terrifying.

  “I’m not sure I can explain it.”

  Finn took her hand. “Can you try?”

  She looked up at him. He tried a smile.

  Rachel was suddenly incapable of speech. Do not cry, do not cry, do not cry.

  Finn tried another approach. “Is it because of the weight thing, or because of what I do?”

  Rachel looked up at him. Well, those are definitely two additional factors. “Um…Yes?”

  Finn sighed. “Okay, let’s go sit in the living room. Let’s talk about this.”

  He took her by the hand and led her into the living room where they sat together on the couch.

  “Okay, so tell me which part bothers you most?”

  Rachel frowned, avoiding his eyes. “It’s embarrassing.”

  He shook his head. “I don’t buy it; you’re a grown, independent woman with your own bachelorette pad. You can tell me why it’s embarrassing. It probably isn’t even anything to be embarrassed about.”

  She knew he was trying to downplay her fears and she appreciated him for it, but it didn’t make them go away. She swallowed, took a deep breath and began. “I’m a little—okay, a lot—insecure about my body. I’m afraid that if you see me naked, you won’t like me anymore. I’m afraid that because of what you do, I will become like a patient and it will be like being in my doctor’s office. I’m afraid that I won’t measure up to other women in your past. I’m afraid…”

  “Stop,” Finn interrupted her. “Stop. Before you continue, I’d like to address a few of your concerns. You have no reason to be insecure about your body. For starters, I’ve seen you in a bathing suit and you have nothing to worry about. Remember, I’m the one in this relationship with the overly large breasts. Yours are just right, from what I can tell.” He snuck a glance at her chest and then put up his hand when she opened her mouth. “And no, I’m not making light of your insecurities, but if it helps, I feel the same way. I haven’t been with anyone in a long time and I’m a little scared that parts of me aren’t as tight and sexy as they should be.”

  Rachel interjected. “But that doesn’t bother me.”

  Finn smiled. “So what makes you think it would bother me? I reall
y care about you and you should know that it’s not about Victoria’s Secret models and perfection in bed. It’s about two people who care about each other.”

  Rachel’s heart swelled as he spoke. He was making a lot of sense, and not only that, he was saying all the right things.

  “And about my job? You have very little to worry about. My job is my job and I don’t have any trouble keeping it separate from my personal life. The only difference between me and say an accountant is that maybe I’m a little better versed in what’s what and what goes where. But that’s it. Please don’t think I’m some sort of sexual guru because I really don’t think I can deal with that kind of pressure.”

  Rachel laughed. She looked down to where he was rubbing her hand with his thumb.

  “Rach?”

  She looked up into his eyes.

  “Are we okay?”

  She nodded.

  “Can you say something? I can’t handle the silence.”

  Rachel took a deep breath. “Do you have any condoms? As much as my mother would love for me to bear your children, I’m just not ready for that yet.”

  It was Finn’s turn to be at a loss for words, although his sweet smile did everything to calm Rachel’s still very raw nerves. He nodded as he rose from the couch, still holding her hand. He led her down the hall to his bedroom.

  I guess I’m going to see his room after all.

  As they passed through the doorway, Rachel noticed Finn’s neatly made bed, complete with folded back bedspread. Something didn’t sit with her; men didn’t make their own beds. And even if they did, she was sure they didn’t fold back the bedspread like that—so invitingly.

  As Finn closed his eyes and leaned in for another kiss, Rachel dodged it and grabbed his arm. “Did you plan all this tonight to get me into your bed?”

  Finn looked down at her with half-closed eyes as he stroked her cheek with the back of his fingers. “I wasn’t planning to get you into bed,” he said as he reached behind her and turned out the light. She felt his breath on her ear. “Just hoping.”

  Who was she to dash a man’s hopes?

  * * *

  Thanks for reading Love for Scale.

  If you enjoyed it, please consider writing a review. Reviews help authors spread the word about their books.

  Have you read Life, Sideways?

  Life, Sideways

  Vicky Blumenfeld has it all: the husband of her dreams, a great job at his pediatric dental practice where she's the envy of all the patients' moms, a great set of friends and plenty of money in the bank. The only thing she doesn't have is kids. And she's okay with that. Until her husband delivers an ultimatum: either she gives him kids or she gives him a divorce.

  Realizing they want different things out of life, Vicky reluctantly packs her bags, throwing her perfect life and marriage away because she can't ever see herself as a mother. But a few weeks later, she finds herself in a family way.

  With her life turned upside down by a couple of lines on a pregnancy test, Vicky has to make a choice--one that will change her life forever no matter what she decides.

  Life, Sideways is a book about the journey of life and how unexpected speedbumps along the road can look an awful lot like baby bumps. Fans of Emily Giffin's Baby Proof will enjoy this thought-provoking look at the issue of childlessness and the complicated decisions modern women face.

  Keep reading for a sample!

  Chapter 1

  Even with chicken in my mouth, I laughed out loud at Sheldon’s ridiculousness. A rerun episode of The Big Bang Theory always marked the dinner hour in the Blumenfeld house, no matter that dinner consisted of Dave and I sitting on our respective sofas staring at the television, our plates perched on TV trays. It was a typical evening, just the way I liked it.

  “Peter called me today,” Dave said from his couch.

  “Mm hmm,” I responded, still watching Sheldon.

  “Katrina’s pregnant.”

  My chewing slowed so I could mentally masticate on where this conversation was going. A ball of dread joined the chicken in my stomach.

  “That’s really great,” I said, popping a fry into my mouth to buy me some time. On one level, I was happy for Peter and Katrina; they’d been trying to get pregnant for about a year. But at the same time, their happy news was going to complicate my life significantly.

  “When are you going to be ready, Vic?” Dave asked predictably.

  “Huh?” I was stalling, but I looked at him, my mind racing, trying to come up with a believable excuse.

  “When can we start trying to have kids?”

  I looked down at my half-eaten dinner, suddenly losing my appetite. “I don’t know, Dave.”

  “Vic…” I could feel his eyes on me. “Vicky?”

  I looked up.

  “You know how much I want a family. You know how much I love kids…”

  And it was true. Dave loved kids and kids absolutely adored Dave. Maybe it was one of the things that had originally attracted me to him; he was just so…I don’t know, husband material. It was almost magical the way he connected with kids, making them laugh and giggle, overcoming their fears. And even though he was a dentist, kids never ever left his office in tears or bearing any hard feelings. It was like he was the miracle dentist, delivering his special magic one mouth at a time.

  On another level, his popularity had caused problems of a different kind when single mothers saw how wonderful he was with their children. It was certainly no anomaly that a growing chunk of Dave’s full practice was made up of single moms who often wore low cut blouses and giggled too much during consultations. But Dave laughed it off, always managing to introduce me, his wife and office administrator, to each and every new patient’s parent.

  “Vic, neither of us is getting younger. I really think we should start now.”

  I dropped my gaze again, not able to look my husband in the eyes. He would be close to tears by now; we’d had this conversation a hundred times. “I’m just not ready.” It was a lie. I was lying to my husband. I had finally realized I would never be ready, but I just couldn’t bring myself to admit it. In the six years of our marriage, as my love for Dave had grown, so had my distaste for the idea of becoming a mother. Looking at a baby held the same fascination for me as looking at a carburetor. Something inside me had just turned off. It was like someone had removed the battery from my biological clock.

  And call me a coward, but I didn’t know how to break it to Dave.

  The first couple years, I had been telling him the truth when I said I just didn’t feel ready; I had really thought the mothering instinct would kick in. But it just never did. And no amount of begging, cajoling or even deal-making could convince me I wanted to have someone on this planet who would call me Mommy.

  A few times, when his tears had become too much, I had almost given in. But I knew deep down, my nagging doubt shouldn’t be ignored. For this one thing, I had to dig in my heels. My days of wading in the warm waters of denial were coming to a close.

  “Will you ever be ready?” Dave’s voice was almost a whisper.

  He’d figured it out. He had finally caught on.

  Panic set in. “Just give me more time,” I said, not believing my own words: the words of a complete and total coward. He was giving me my chance to come clean and I was chickening out.

  I put down my fork so he wouldn’t see my hand shaking.

  “I can’t wait anymore, Vicky.”

  My mouth went dry. I didn’t know what to say.

  “I need a family. I don’t need ten kids, just a couple, Vicky.” He was pleading with me.

  I forced some saliva into my desiccated mouth. “I can’t, Dave.”

  “I think if you had a baby, everything would change.”

  And that’s exactly what I was afraid of. I didn’t want anything to change. I liked my life just the way it was. I liked being number one in Dave’s life and him being number one in mine. I liked having money left over at the end of the mon
th. I liked being able to drop everything and go on a week-long vacation without having to arrange for what to do with kids. I liked not having to waste my evenings driving little Johnny to soccer and little Janie to dance lessons. No, I liked my life just the way it was. It was perfect. And everyone knows you don’t mess with perfection.

  Dave mistook my silence for contemplation. “You are such a warm and caring person; I see you with your sister’s kids and I know you’d be a great mom.”

  I had my own serious doubts. I also suspected he was full of shit, grasping at straws just to further his case. “Dave, Ruby’s kids go home. And it’s easy to be a cool aunt. Being a cool mom is another story.”

  “But if it was your own baby, your own flesh…” His tears were flowing freely now.

  I turned away, afraid the tiny droplets of salty water coming from my husband would erode my resolve.

  If it was my own, I’m so afraid I’d resent you forever. And I just can’t bear the thought of hating you.

  “Dave, there are just no guarantees. I’m not bringing a child into this world if I am not a hundred percent sure I want it. I wouldn’t do that to you or a kid.” I shook my head, silently cursing my own tears. “Would you want me to have a baby just because you wanted it, even if I didn’t?”

  His silence answered my question.

  “I can’t do it, Dave. I just can’t.”

  He took a deep breath and chewed on the inside of his cheek before he finally spoke. “Then I want out. I want a divorce.”

  My lungs froze, my breath halting as I tried to process his words.

  “I’m sorry, Vicky, but if we can’t be on the same page with this, I think we need to be with other people.”

  I forced air into my lungs. “Is there someone else?” I almost choked on the words.

  Dave shook his head vehemently. “No. No, of course not. How could you even ask that?” He looked at me, a pained expression on his face. “I’m just saying that we want such different things. This isn’t as simple as choosing where to go on this year’s holiday, or whether to have red or white wine with fish…this is a big deal, Vic. I thought when we got married we were on the same page.”