S.N.O.T.

by Nichol Williams

  It was virtually impossible to complete successfully any task holding the Mimis and so Jebediah sat down on the ground and stretched out his long legs. Placing the minute creature between his knees he made what some might consider a very rough drawing indeed.

  Cordelia shifted her position and leaned back so she could speak to him. ‘What exactly are we supposed to write? I mean he didn’t tell us very much.’

  Before Jebediah could answer Chester interjected, ‘Nemesis hates doing this lesson. He probably thinks that if he does a really bad job then they won’t ask him to take it again.’

  ‘Oh,’ Cordelia said slowly.

  ‘Well, I think he’s downright rude,’ commented Maud, still bristling from the humiliation of his rebuff.

  Chester couldn’t resist the temptation of upsetting her further. ‘Yes, well you would. It looks like you’ll have to find another teacher to suck up to.’

  Maud opened her mouth to reply but Cordelia placed a hand over hers and said soothingly, ‘Don’t take any notice, he’s just goading you.’

  It had the desired effect of quieting her. Maud moodily continued with her drawing. While they had been talking, Jebediah’s Mimis had decided to lie on its back between the gaps of his knees and stick its legs in the air, holding onto its feet. This made drawing it even more difficult. Eventually giving up, he carried on playing with the creature instead.

  ‘Put your Mimis back in the crate and get yourselves off for lunch,’ Nemesis called to the group as he took a clay pipe in the shape of a mermaid from the pocket of his robes and, turning it upside down, tapped it once or twice before clamping it between his teeth.

  Jebediah gently placed his Mimis down in the crate but it tried to cling on to his fingers. Disentangling himself, the tiny creature put its arms up to him as though it wanted to be picked up again. The idea of hiding it in the pocket of his robes crossed his mind.

  ‘You’ve pulled,’ Monty exclaimed laughing and nudging him hard in the ribs.

  Jebediah ignored the jibe as he slowly rubbed his side. He couldn’t help feeling sorry for the little creature as he turned away with the others and made his way back to the Manor for lunch.

  Disaster in the Mud

  After lunch Jebediah, along with the rest of the students from his group, made their way down to a large greenhouse where Ophelia Johnson was busily counting out small, cloth, drawstring bags.

  The vast greenhouse contained trestle tables that ran down both sides of the building and the middle with gaps every so often for walkways. Every available space had been taken up with plants and pots of every size and description. The heat and humidity of the atmosphere added to the smell of earth and the aroma of flowers.

  Miss Johnson handed each person one of the bags she had been counting. ‘The lesson today will be conducted outside where we will commune and be as one with Mother Nature.’

  ‘Oh God, here she goes,’ Sakai Kher said over Jebediah’s shoulder.

  Everyone knew that Ophelia Johnson was a bit nutty. She was dressed in long, flowing, flowery robes and her waist-length strawberry-blonde hair was threaded with tiny flowers, reminding Jebediah of pictures he had seen in books of Wood Nymphs and Dryads.

  ‘Everyone follow me please,’ she said in a far-away, misty voice.

  Leading them down through the formally laid gardens, she pointed out flowers and herbs as they passed. As they neared the edge of the second field they came to a small stream. The teacher halted abruptly and bent down, her hand brushing the tall grass aside as though searching for something. The class stood and watched, bemused by her actions and sure that this was another sign of her insanity. After a few moments she stood up and faced the class.

  ‘We shall be collecting the berries from the Bugleweed plant. This is why you have all been given a bag.’ Holding up her own she gave it a little shake.

  Sara Parker raised her hand. ‘Excuse me, Miss, why are we collecting the berries?’

  Miss Johnson stared at her with a puzzled expression as though she had forgotten that the students were there at all.

  ‘The berries are used in many potions especially healing potions,’ she informed them dreamily. Crouching back down she beckoned the group forward and continued, ‘Bugleweeds can be found by the banks and edges of rivers and streams.’

  Everyone fanned out around her and knelt down on the grass, each one desperately trying to see what she was pointing to in the long grass.

  ‘I can’t see a thing,’ Maud said, pushing her way in front of Cordelia.

  ‘Bugleweeds,’ Miss Johnson carried on with the same floating air to her voice, ‘are small plants that hide themselves away from human eyes as much as possible. If they feel threatened they will either try to retract their bodies if the ground is soft enough or uproot and flee.’

  ‘Great fun and games then,’ Jebediah whispered in Cordelia’s ear, making her giggle and earning a reproachful look from Miss Johnson.

  ‘We only need the berries which are at the very tips of the Bugleweed, so you must be careful when picking them otherwise you can hurt the plant - and it is not wise to anger them as they have remarkable defence mechanisms.’

  This said, she stretched herself forward until she was almost prone and reached out towards the water. At the very edge of the bank her hand lingered as she plucked something. Rising up she showed the class a dull burgundy-coloured berry the size of a peanut.

  ‘This is what we are looking for, so if you spread yourselves out along here we can start collecting.’

  Everyone did as she said and Jebediah situated himself next to Cordelia who, as usual, had Maud sticking to her more intently than toilet paper after a bout of diarrhoea.

  Laying flat on his stomach in the blistering sunshine he inched his way closer to the stream. At first he couldn’t tell what he should be looking for, but out of the corner of his eye he thought he saw a small hairy looking arm move. Taking his hand away so he didn’t frighten the plant, he watched as it slowly lifted up a leg, which in actual fact was part of its root, and take a step closer to the water. It had the appearance of an extremely hairy, wizened old man but only seven or eight inches in height with a spray of olive green foliage that sprouted from the top of its head.

  Edging closer, he attempted to pick some of the berries that dangled between the plant leaves. The Bugleweed was aware of the impending attack and so dodged and weaved away from his hand as it loomed above. Infuriated, Jebediah made a grab for one of the berries. It was then that he discovered that what he had initially thought were hairs were in actual fact thousands of tiny spikes. The plant turned to face him and with a malevolent sneer screwed up its whole body and shot the spikes into the air.

  A series of curses sprang from Jebediah’s lips as the feeling of thousands of pins punctured his face and hand. Jumping to his feet he staggered about before losing his footing in the mud and slipping into the stream. Cordelia leapt to her feet while Maud remained where she was cackling heartily at the debacle, tears streaming down her face.

  ‘Jeb, Jeb, are you allright?’ asked Cordelia anxiously with an expression of worry.

  Jebediah was too busy writhing around in the water to hear what she was saying. The spikes had started to burn ferociously.

  ‘Don’t play in the water,’ Miss Johnson called out abstractedly still picking berries.

  This brought mirth to everyone present as it seemed she was the only one who was not aware of what had occurred. Monty and Chester climbed to their feet and stood at the very edge of the bank.

  ‘Try to stand up,’ Monty called unhelpfully.

  Jebediah scrambled to his feet as best he could and staggered to the edge, but when Chester reached out and took hold of his hand he inadvertenbly pushed the spikes in further, causing more pain. Jerking his hand away quickly, Jebediah lost his balance and, slipping, fell
forwards firmly embedding his face in the mud.

  Monty and Chester squatted down on their haunches and watched.

  ‘Do you think he can breathe?’ Chester asked lazily, his arms tightly folded.

  ‘I’m not sure. He does seem to be thrashing about a lot,’ Monty replied languidly.

  ‘Oh, for heaven’s sake get out of the way!’ Cordelia shouted, impatiently pushing them both aside and pulling Jebediah’s head out of the mud by his hair.

  As he coughed and spluttered she asked, her voice thick with concern, ‘Are you allright?’

  ‘No I’m in agony,’ he retorted, still spitting the mud from his mouth.

  Chester and Monty each placed a hand under his arms and helped the now sodden and mud covered Jebediah to his feet, the rest of the class merely giving him a cursory glance now that the real fun was over.

  Cordelia lifted the hem of her robes and attempted to wipe some of the mud away from his face, but this only succeeded in pushing in the spines that peppered his face further still.

  ‘It’s no good, they’ll have to be removed properly by someone who knows what they’re doing,’ she said helplessly.

  ‘I hope you’re not suggesting Miss Johnson,’ Monty sniggered.

  ‘She is the teacher,’ Cordelia replied frostily and walked across to where Miss Johnson was picking berries and filling her bag happily with expertise.

  ‘Miss,’ Cordelia said hastily, ‘Jebediah has had an accident and I think he needs medical attention.’

  ‘Oh dear,’ she replied in a flustered manner scrabbling to her feet. As she reached him she asked accusingly, ‘Did you startle the Bugleweed?’

  ‘NO!’ he retorted hotly, omitting to mention that he had lunged at the plant.

  Looking round at the class, she waved her arms about and announced in an extremely agitated voice, ‘Collect your bags and make your way back to the greenhouse as quickly as you can.’ She then looked at the state of his mud covered clothes and asked if Cordelia would mind helping him back.

  It took a long time for each spike to be plucked from his face, a procedure that proved to be just as painful as when they had entered. Once the last one was out, he examined himself in the mirror and saw that where the spines had entered there were now large green pustules making it look like one bad attack of acne.

  ‘Can’t you get rid of them?’ he asked pleadingly, turning to look at Miss Johnson.

  Miss Johnson bustled away and retuned with a small tub of speckled yellow ointment, the smell of which reminded him of Alex’s feet when he took off his trainers.

  As they ambled back with Cordelia to the manor house Miss Johnson pushed up the sleeve of her robes and looked at her watch. ‘There’s no point in going to writing now; the lesson will be finished soon.’

  He really couldn’t care less about lessons any more or whether he missed writing. His first day and already something disastrous had happened. ‘I suppose we could sit in the library until dinner,’ he said, moodily kicking the gravel about as he walked.

  The library was quiet except for a few older students who had their heads crammed into books while their quills scratched notes madly onto rolls of parchment that filled the tables as they studied hard for their final test. They chose a couple of well-worn comfy chairs near the fireplace, away from the other occupants who had not even disturbed their concentration to observe who had entered.

  Sitting down, Cordelia took the pot of cream from his hands and surveyed it carefully before saying, ‘Come here and I’ll put some on for you.’

  Jebediah leaned forward while she tried to apply it as gingerly as she could. Despite her best efforts and soft touch he winced, prompting her to ask if he would rather she stopped.

  ‘No, it’s got to be done,’ he replied, tensing his jaw. Casting aside the pain, he enjoyed the way she fussed over him. Nobody ever seemed to give him any attention like this at home. His mum and dad were always far too busy with their burgeoning careers even to notice him.

  ‘I don’t know about you,’ she said, replacing the lid on the cream and rubbing the excess grease from her hands down her robes, ‘but I’m ready for dinner. I wasn’t keen on the mushroom quiche at lunch.’

  ‘Don’t like it myself. I opted for the steak and kidney pie instead,’ he replied, taking back the jar and slipping it into the pocket of his robes.

  The balm began to cool his face. ‘You’d make a good Healer, you’ve got the magic touch you know,’ he said, pointing to his lumpy face which still hurt like crazy.

  She giggled softly. ‘Oooooh, I couldn’t deal with anything really gruesome. I’m a bit queasy with things like that. I can’t even watch programmes on television that show blood or operations even if they are just make-believe.’

  Crossing his legs at the ankles, he stretched out his feet on the thick burgundy and gold Persian rug and sank back further into the chair. ‘I haven’t the foggiest what I’m going to do when, or rather if, I get my Wizards Certificate but I wouldn’t mind joining the Sorcery Police.’

  ‘I could just imagine you as a Sorcery Officer working undercover; infiltrating a gang of Trolls or maybe smashing a Ragwort ring,’ she said with excitement in her voice, making it sound more appealing than ever.

  Jebediah wondered if she would look at him in a different light if he were dressed in the smart grey and black uniform of an officer, but that was as far as he got as their cosy little chat was interrupted by the entrance of their classmates.

  ‘How are you feeling?’ Chester asked, perching himself on the arm of Jebediah’s chair. Without waiting for a response he twisted his head this way and that and after making a number of incomprehensible noises, he announced, ‘Um, that looks pretty nasty.’

  Cordelia put her hand on the arm of her own chair preventing Monty from sitting down and forcing him to remain standing between the two chairs.

  Ignoring her actions he said, ‘We explained that you had been unfortunately detained and Stroud said it was fine for you to copy our work.’

  ‘Thanks,’ Jebediah replied, remembering not to smile and disturb the spots on his face. He secretly wished they would go away and leave him alone again with Cordelia.

  To make matters worse, Maud Middler came waltzing up with an expression on her face like the Cheshire cat out of Alice in Wonderland.

  ‘Does it hurt?’ she asked in a false, simpering fashion, with a total lack of concern as to whether it did or not.

  ‘It’s bearable,’ he answered, mustering as much civility as he could.

  Maud was not going to let an opportunity to have a dig slip by, especially after the comments Chester had made earlier. In a voice thick with sarcasm she said, ‘Well it can’t make you look any uglier.’

  Jebediah knew that if he retaliated it would put Cordelia in a bad position but he was sick of Maud and her sniping, grating voice. ‘That’s a bit rich coming from someone with a face even a dog wouldn’t lick.’

  Neither Chester nor Monty attempted to hide their mirth, but Cordelia bit down hard on her top and bottom lip to prevent any sound escaping, her hand covering her mouth while she averted her eyes to something apparently far more interesting at the other side of the room.

  Maud stood with her mouth opening and closing soundlessly like a guppy fish before straightening her shoulders and saying in a huffy tone, ‘I’m going in for dinner... are you coming Cordelia?’

  Cordelia gave Jebediah a wink as she stood up, warming him greatly, and followed her friend out of the room.

  ‘Impressive,’ Monty said, taking the seat vacated by Cordelia, ‘I didn’t know you had it in you.’

  ‘Yeah, but she’ll be bending Cordelia’s ear about it now,’ replied Jebediah, already regretting his actions.

  ‘Listen here,’ Chester said, sliding his arm over the back of the chair, ‘that one cou
ld whine for England. It surprises me why her parents didn’t dump her inside a volcano years ago.’

  ‘They probably did and it spat her back out,’ Monty retorted.

  A Kobold struck the gong, the noise echoing throughout the Manor. The three of them chose a table at which Jonathan Pearson was already seated, his head down on the table as though asleep.

  As they sat down Jonathan raised his head, a miserable expression apparent for all the world to see, prompting Jebediah to ask, ‘What’s wrong with you then?’

  ‘If I have to listen to Cynthia Thorpe for one more day I swear I’ll turn her into a Pussworm.’

  Chester leaned back in his chair, pushing it onto two legs so he could see the Kobolds as they entered. With his eye still on the doors he drawled, ‘We’ll swap; you can have Maud Middler and we’ll take Cynthia.’

  ‘If you think she’s bad, I can guarantee that Cynthia is a hundred times worse,’ he replied scathingly.

  ‘Why, what has she done?’ Jebediah asked, intrigued after the gossip of her father’s illicit dealings that Cordelia had told him on their first night.

  He said in a tone of incredulity, ‘We had Transformation this morning and in she flounces dressed from head to foot in robes by Napper like she’s better than the rest of us. Then,’ he continued, ‘she pulls out a wand from, wait for it, Nichols Appendages for the more discerning Witch and Wizard, of all places.’

  ‘Wow,’ Monty said in surprise, his eyes widening, ‘you have to order specially from there and the waiting list is about three years long.’

  ‘Unless you have plenty of money to throw around,’ Chester remarked wryly, ‘which he has after making a deal with the Trolls.’