S.N.O.T.

by Nichol Williams

  ‘Alex!’ Jebediah shouted in astonishment. ‘What are you doing here?’ he asked his friend, now quickening his pace to meet him.

  Alex staggered to his feet and walked towards them. If it hadn’t been for the ginger hair he would never have recognised Jebediah.

  ‘Urgh, what on earth happened to your face?’ Alex asked, taking a step back in case whatever he had was contagious.

  Jebediah frowned. ‘Oh, I had a bit of a fight with a Bugleweed...’

  ‘Yeah, and came off second best,’ Monty cut in with a snigger.

  ‘Anyway,’ Jebediah said shaking his head and trying to ignore the annoying presence of Monty who was stood at the side of him, ‘what are you doing here, and forget my face, what happened to you?’ he asked, staring at Alex’s dishevelled appearance and the multiple grazes on his face and hands. Spotting the girl’s bike lying on the floor he said tentatively, ‘Tell me you didn’t ride that all the way down here.’

  ‘Listen, mine had a puncture and as I didn’t have enough money for the train fare I had to use Louise’s, and before you say anything, yes I was embarrassed and yes I would prefer it if you never mentioned it to anyone we know. It’s very hard riding your seven-year-old sister’s bike you know,’ he added glumly. ‘I felt like a clown in a circus every time my knees scraped my ears.’

  ‘So what was so important that you had to come all the way down here?’ Jebediah asked, his eyes still fixed on the bike and with a picture in his mind of Alex peddling down country lanes on it.

  ‘I really need to talk to you privately,’ Alex said urgently, pulling his friend away. Producing the parchment, which was now severely crumpled after being stuck in the back pocket of his jeans, he handed it over to Jebediah saying, ‘I got suspicious when I saw all the mail piling up at your place so I questioned Grimble. He said he hadn’t seen your mum and dad for ages so I started opening all the letters and found this one. Your nan read it for me. She said that they’ve been kidnapped by Ogres.’

  ‘What!’ he screamed, wrenching the letter from his friend’s fingers and scanning it quickly:

  We have your parents. If you want to see them alive again bring 5000 Groobles to March Wood at midday in four days.

  S.N.O.T.

  ‘We’ve got to get them back,’ he said, panic rising steadily in his voice.

  His outburst alerted Cordelia and Monty to the fact that something was very wrong indeed.

  ‘Jeb, what’s happened?’ asked Cordelia, putting a hand on his arm. He held the note out for her to read. Her hands flew to her mouth as she gasped in horror.

  Monty leaned over her shoulder to read it, forgetting her previous rebuke about the rudeness of such behaviour. After reading the note himself he mumbled quietly.

  ‘Where am I going to get five thousand Groobles, let alone raise it in a couple of days?’ Jebediah screeched hysterically, the veins on his neck standing out, pulsating frantically against his white skin. Waving his arms around in despair, his mind was in turmoil as he paced back and forth.

  ‘Calm down,’ Cordelia urged, trying to keep her voice normal.

  Monty watched the scene before him and, squaring his shoulders, took charge. ‘Let’s get you cleaned up first,’ he said in an adult fashion to Alex and guided him back towards the house, calling over his shoulder to Jebediah and Cordelia, ‘We can discuss the best plan of action inside.’

  Alex lounged in a bath and soothed his cuts and bruises which, he had informed them, happened when a little old lady driving a Morris Minor car, hardly able to peer over the steering wheel, barged him off the road and into the only patch of brambles for miles around.

  Sitting on the bed fully refreshed, his clothes laundered by the Brownies, he tucked into some sandwiches produced by Cordelia from the kitchens. She was a little nervous about being in the boys’ room as it was strictly forbidden and so kept a nervous eye constantly on the door.

  Chester, who as usual had been lounging on his bed, was told of the dire situation.

  ‘Well, I think we should inform Berkeley Baskerville,’ Cordelia insisted. ‘He’ll know what to do.’

  ‘No,’ Jebediah said forcefully, now pounding the floorboards of the room as he stalked to and fro. ‘He’ll tell the Sorcery Police and doing something like that could get them killed.’

  ‘But…’ Cordelia tried to say again.

  ‘NO,’ Jebediah repeated more emphatically.

  ‘Well, what about your nan, would she lend you the money?’ Cordelia asked, trying a different tack but still secretly thinking that they should inform someone, preferably Berkeley Baskerville, sooner rather than later.

  ‘You are joking?’ Alex interjected, his mouth bulging with a chunk of sandwich that sprayed tiny pieces of bread onto the floor. ‘When I asked her to help she ram raided my foot in the door and tried to gouge my eye out with her wand.’

  Monty took the parchment and turned it over in his hands, inspecting every aspect of the paper. ‘It’s signed by S.N.O.T. but there’s no name after or before it.’

  ‘S.N.O.T.?’ Jebediah remarked confused. ‘What does that mean?’

  ‘I’ve heard my dad talking about them,’ Monty told the trio as he threw the parchment onto the bed. ‘It’s the Society for Nonconformist Ogres.’

  ‘So what’s the T stand for then?’ Alex asked, taking another hefty bite from the sandwich.

  ‘I’m not sure,’ Monty replied, giving his shoulders a slight shrug. ‘I don’t think it actually stands for anything. Ogres aren’t very bright you know.’

  ‘Okay,’ Alex began popping the last bit of sandwich into his mouth. ‘You probably all know the answer to this but for someone like me who isn’t magical in any way could you explain why, if it’s the Ogres that have kidnapped your parents the ransom note has been written in Elfish?’

  ‘Ogres can’t usually write,’ explained Jebediah as he caressed his chin carefully.

  Monty considered this remark as his hand drummed against the wooden footboard of the bed. After a moment or two he said slowly, as the realisation dawned on him, ‘If an Elf has written something like that it can only mean one thing.’ Everyone turned to face him including Jebediah who had stopped pacing the room, now being in danger of wearing a groove in the wood. ‘Only a Dark Elf would become embroiled in something like this,’ he finished ominously.

  ‘Is that bad?’ Alex asked innocently.

  ‘It’s bad,’ Chester replied.

  ‘Forget that,’ Jebediah snapped, unconcerned as to who had written the note when there were more pressing matters on his mind. ‘How am I going to get that amount of money?’

  ‘I could always tap my father for some,’ Monty offered.

  ‘Yes, but even if we all asked our parents for some we still wouldn’t be able to raise that amount,’ Cordelia noted gloomily.

  Chester stood up from his own bed and walked across to where the others were grouped. ‘What you need is someone with a lot of money.’

  ‘We know that,’ Cordelia said caustically, looking out of the window.

  ‘Yes, but I know where you can find such a person,’ Chester carried on.

  Cordelia jumped up from her chair. ‘If this is one of your sick jokes, Chester Pinkerton, then I’ll kill you myself,’ Cordelia said in an aggressive voice.

  ‘It’s not,’ he assured them.

  Jebediah had snapped his head round so fast his neck clicked painfully.

  ‘Then where do we find this person?’ Jebediah asked hurriedly, the solution to his dilemma being dangled before his eyes like a golden carrot.

  ‘Liverpool,’ he replied simply.

  ‘Liverpool?’ they all chorused.

  ‘Yes, I happen to know that it’s the Leprechauns’ annual trip to the mainland.’ When he saw the faces of complete bewilderment he elaborated by
saying, ‘They come over each year to have … well, you know, to have a good time if you know what I mean.’

  ‘What, pray tell, are we supposed to do?’ Cordelia said haughtily, walking right up to Chester, her hands on her hips. ‘Are we just to go up to one and say, oh, hi there, you don’t know us but can we have all your money?’

  The anger was rising steadily inside Chester like a volcano about to burst. Keeping his voice low he replied through gritted teeth, ‘No, but if you capture one then they have to give you all their gold, and if you speak to me once more like something a Manticore has just coughed up I’ll stick my wand somewhere that will make it impossible for you to sit down for a very long time.’

  Cordelia wasn’t going to take this. Her hackles shot up and, despite the difference in their sizes, (she reaching only his chin), she faced up to him and with a deep breath opened her mouth to speak.

  Without waiting to hear what she was about to say Jebediah pushed them apart. ‘Calm down you two; arguing among ourselves isn’t going to help matters.’

  Alex suddenly piped up, ‘Like it or not, it’s the only idea anyone has come up with so far. Personally I think it’s worth a try - let’s face it, anything must be.’

  ‘He’s right,’ Monty agreed reclining on his bed.

  Jebediah knew himself that this could be the only way to raise the money. He didn’t have access to his parents’ bank accounts and his nan wouldn’t be forthcoming with any funds.

  ‘Okay, does anyone here know how to catch a Leprechaun?’

  Nothing is Ever that Easy

  ‘Are you sure this is safe?’ Alex asked Monty worriedly as he eyed the broomstick.

  ‘Trust me, I’ve been flying almost as long as I’ve been able to walk. Just hold on tight and you’ll be fine.’

  Alex was a little unsure about sitting so close to another boy, a boy he had only just met, but Jebediah wasn’t as proficient in flying and didn’t feel he could carry them both safely to Liverpool.

  Cordelia sprinted across the grass, her frame silhouetted in the moonlight. ‘I left a note saying that we’ve been called away and, before you ask, I didn’t say where we were going or why.’

  ‘Brains as well as beauty,’ Monty said appraisingly as his eyebrows jumped up and down. He nudged Jebediah and winked conspiratorially in Cordelia’s direction causing him to turn scarlet.

  ‘Let’s get off,’ Jebediah announced quickly, trying to hide his embarrassment, and kicked off from the ground.

  Monty did the same, followed by Cordelia and Chester. It was the first time that Alex had ever been on a broomstick even if it were only as a passenger. The floating sensation that tickled his stomach, like the one when you go over the brow of a hill in a car, dissipated after the first few miles. He relaxed his initial vice-like grip around Monty’s waist and settled down to enjoy the ride. The late evening air danced about his face, giving him a slight chill, but it was worth it for the experience. They were flying too high to make out any real landmarks but he spied the odd house, their lights shining out brightly like stars in the midnight sky.

  After nearly an hour of flying Alex tapped Monty on the shoulder and called out as best as he could above the rushing of the wind, ‘Are we nearly there yet?’

  Monty looked at a series of dials that were positioned below one another on his broom before answering. ‘We should be there in about half an hour. Of course we would be there already if some weren’t riding old bangers that went out with the ark.’

  Alex knew that he was referring to the ancient broom that Jebediah was riding.

  Before long the smell of the salty sea air could be detected. They were obviously close. Through the darkness the sounds could be heard and their lights twinkling below of the docks could be seen clearly.

  Monty took the lead as he swooped down, descending at a breakneck speed and causing Alex to slip forward so he was jammed up against him. With his heart racing wildly and his stomach somewhere in the region of his throat, the ground rose up to greet them at an alarming pace.

  ‘Warn me if you’re going to do that again,’ Alex mumbled shakily.

  They landed between some enormous metal containers that Alex recognised as being the ones they loaded onto the back of heavy goods vehicles. He rubbed the inside of his legs after dismounting the broom and made his way to Jebediah who had landed a little farther away from the others, not wanting to disgrace himself with an abysmal landing.

  ‘He flies like a madman that one,’ Alex said, approaching Jebediah.

  Jebediah gave his friend a sympathetic look. ‘I should have warned you he likes to show off a bit.’

  ‘Show off?’ Alex scoffed. ‘He dived down so damn quick I almost wet my pants.’

  Jebediah stifled a smile. ‘Come on,’ he said, pulling Alex by the arm and leading him back to where the others were stood huddled in a group.

  The darkness was compounded by a lack of moonlight and so Jebediah removed his wand from his robes and illuminated the small group. The greenish light cast an eerie glow among the faces, giving them all a ghoulish appearance.

  ‘Right, now we’re here Chester, where are we going to find a Leprechaun?’ Jebediah asked.

  ‘We should try the pubs first,’ he suggested, rubbing his hands together and blowing on them in an attempt to warm them up after the flight.

  ‘Pubs?’ Alex repeated, pulling a face. ‘Wouldn’t the sight of little men in green suits and stripy socks cause a bit of a stir?’

  ‘They don’t go to your sort of pub,’ Chester retorted in a tone of voice that told Alex that he should know better than to ask such a stupid question. ‘And they stopped wearing that type of clothing about two hundred and fifty years ago.’

  ‘But do you know where any of these pubs are?’ Jebediah asked impatiently, ‘Because I’ve never been to Liverpool.’

  ‘There is this one place we can try, my Brother told me about it.’

  ‘Can you take us there?’ asked Jebediah urgently.

  ‘Of course I can,’ Chester replied with more bravado and conviction than he actually felt.

  Keeping away from the areas that would be heavily populated, they made their way down a series of dimly lit alleyways and side streets. The only living creatures they came into contact with were rats that scurried down the nearest drain when they heard the group approach and cats prowling along the boundaries of their territory. Chester was taking them into places that none of them would want to visit during daylight hours, and the absence now of any light gave every nook and cranny a spooky aura where anything could be lurking ready to pounce on an unsuspecting passer-by. Cordelia kept close, and Jebediah noticed, out of the corner of his eye, her fingers as they clung to his robes.

  He was sure despite the darkness that they were going round in circles. Voicing his worries, Chester pointed out as they were forced to keep to the back roads and were unable to stop anyone to ask for directions it had disoriented him a little.

  After another ten minutes of dodging around rubbish and stepping over sleeping tramps, Chester ran forward to a small white sign with black lettering that was screwed to a wall at head height.

  ‘Yes,’ he called out softly under his breath.

  Hurrying down the alleyway, which was even dodgier than the ones they had previously encountered, Jebediah only just managed to catch sight of the sign which read ‘Convicts Passage’.

  Everyone followed Chester who sprinted at speed, his feet pounding the cobbles beneath as though he were possessed, until finally halting outside a small, unobtrusive door with black flaking paint. Glancing round, he walked a few paces further, his head twisting this way and that as he scanned his surroundings. Swivelling around again he walked decisively back, a smile spreading across his face.

  ‘This is the place,’ he announced, extremely pleased with himself for bringi
ng them all this far.

  The others wore expressions of doubt and stared at the building which looked ready to fall down. Graffiti was sprayed along the walls and windows were smashed.

  Taking a deep breath, Jebediah stepped towards the door, his hand raised in readiness to knock. ‘Chester, you come with me, and the rest of you stay here. But whatever you do keep your eyes peeled. I don’t like the look of this area,’ he added with concern in his voice. ‘Above all, be ready for a quick getaway in case there’s trouble.’ His fingers rubbed together a couple of times before they rapped on the door hard.

  The sound of something heavy being dragged across a floor could be heard before the door slowly creaked open a couple of inches. The unmistakable features of a Troll came into view and Jebediah jumped back in fright, landing on Chester’s foot and causing him to shout out and hop.

  He wasn’t sure what to say. Swallowing hard, he said in a squeaky voice which even he didn’t recognise, ‘We want to come in.’

  The Troll didn’t reply as it opened the door further, allowing them entry. Inside, it was pitch black and Jebediah lost his footing on the stairs. He succeeded in keeping his body upright with the aid of the wall which felt slimy to the touch. A shudder ran through him as he wondered what was on the walls. At the bottom of the stairs they came into a cavernous room only fractionally better illuminated by the flaming torches which sat in iron brackets on the grimy walls seeping with moisture.

  Through the darkness and smoke he could see a number of tables and, in the far corner to the left of where they stood, a bar tended by yet another Troll. His large muscular hand rammed a dirty cloth into an even dirtier glass in a feeble and pointless attempt to clean it.

  The occupants, from what Jebediah could see once his eyes had grown accustomed to the dark, ranged from Vampires who sat with glasses filled with rich deep red liquid to women with such extreme facial hair problems he was sure they could only be Werewolves.