A Beautiful Song: A Musical Soul Story

by Michael Cantwell

  I felt incredibly stupid and humble at that moment. “I want to tell you one more thing Stu before I kick your sorry ass out of my shop for the day. I was in the coffee shop this morning and the waitress Sue told me what you did for her yesterday. She now wants to take guitar lessons so that she can feel what it’s like to have a heart like yours. I have known her for almost ten years and not once did she ever ask me about music. She told me that you opened up an entire new world to her in only thirty minutes. So now you can keep thinking your life path didn’t happen the exact way you wanted, or mine was wasted, but the longer you do, the longer I will pity you. Now go back and have dinner with your folks and have your sorry ass back here tomorrow at six pm sharp.” My legs could not move fast enough to get out since I felt so terribly embarrassed by my years of being angry.

  When I arrived at my parents, they could tell I was upset. We didn’t talk too much that evening. I called my daughters and told them how much I loved them and would be home soon. I tried contacting Carl again but still no response. I thought about going back to New York to look for him but I could see on the reports it was next to impossible to find people in the area.

  I went back to see Gordy the next evening, a little more subdued and with my tail between my legs. I never really thought about just how many people Gordy had touched over the years, let alone how many I had with my music. I know that sounds crazy but I was so busy grinding out songs and tours that I had never really taken the time to reflect on my life. I realized how Gordy had not wasted his life sitting in that tiny shop. I had stayed up most of the previous night, thinking about just those things.

  “Does that fancy car drive slow enough not to give me a heart attack or shall we take my car?” Gordy yelled at me from in front of his store. We got in my car and proceeded to drive to a meeting room in the back of a local church. There we met with a group of Viet Nam veterans who Gordy met with once a week for many years. He had kept that private all these years. “I wanted you to meet some of the boys, Stu. Well, meet some for the second time, or so I have been told”. We went inside and I didn’t really recognize any of them sitting there. There were seven older men who all introduced themselves to me and explained that they all served in Viet Nam and lived in the area. After all the introductions to me and a few dirty jokes only told, someone asked me “So Dylan when you are planning on coming back to Fort Dix to play again?”

  I remembered that I had played there many years ago with Debby, during one of my private shows for the staff, and a few who were there for medical issues. “You and some good looking red head came and played for us for hours. I never really got a chance to let you know how much we enjoyed that. Not many would take the time like you did for us, so thanks.” Before I could say more than “You are welcome” Gordy asked me “Do you have any idea where some of the money went when your band played all the charity events?” I really didn’t know. “Well maybe you don’t but I do. I checked on it through Carl and the General who arranged it all. I want you to know that Bob Moore, who you just met, had his house paid off with some of the money. He was unable to work later in life from injuries he sustained in Nam. He was forced to retire from his job earlier than expected. His wife and three kids didn’t have to move from their home thanks to you and the band. I also want you to know that Nate, who is sitting next to you, went back to college and learned bookkeeping from tuition that was paid with a fund established after the first event you did. He now owns his own business and employs ten people in the area. I would bet that you never gave it a second thought about what happened after you did the show.” Gordy was absolutely correct. I had never given it a second thought. Gordy then asked me another question that jolted me. “Explain to me Stu why all these fine men were being punished by their God? Every man here was drafted to support our nation and all are fine men. They were all injured in some way, yet today somehow have a smile on their face. You have enough money to support you, your family, have traveled the globe doing what you enjoy most, have two beautiful daughters and because a drunk driver gave a setback you are somehow convinced you are being punished. Ask these men why they were punished.” Gordy had made his point loud and clear two days in a row. I decided that I had heard enough and offered to buy drinks at the bar down the street.

  The next day I got in my car and drove back to North Carolina. It gave me time to really reflect on my life. It all seemed too simple to think the way Gordy had presented his thoughts to me. Could I really have missed the obvious after all these years? I understood that compared too many, I had lived the life I had chosen, where many do not have that same luxury. I do not profess in having all the answers. In fact, I was seeking them with Gordy, but I did in the back of my mind appreciate that I had chosen my life’s work. It also happened to be my passion. Was that a punishment? Why did I never care to find out where the money was spent with the hundreds of thousands of dollars we had raised for the veterans over the years? Was I that driven in my own little world that I barely ever ventured outside it? Gordy had slapped me into a reality that had been long lost on me. I guess the larger question now was what would I do with this new reality?

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  Chapter 27

  By the time I reached the Virginia and North Carolina border, I knew I had to make changes to my way of thinking. A feeling of calm was now over me that I had not felt in quite some time. My cell phone startled me as I was nearing home. It was Carl on the other end of the line. “I’m sorry I could not reach you sooner Dylan but all is fine with me. My cell phone was lost in the rubble and I have barely been home since the attack. In all the shock, I left my phone in the building. I just now got a new one. We lost one of our staff in the bombing. Reports were that he was inside helping others get out when part of a wall fell on him and trapped him in a fire. I was there for days helping others and making sure I could account for all of the staff. We lost all of our paper files. We are trying to get back online using all the backup systems. It will be a few more weeks until we can find office space to operate and get back in business. We are working on it.” I was of course sad to hear about the loss of one of his co-workers but was thrilled to know Carl was alive and well. We spoke for a few moments but he had to get off the phone. That was a big relief for me.

  By the time I arrived home, Rose had just finished dinner with the girls and George. I snacked on a few leftovers. I gave them all big hugs and let them know I very pleased to be home again. The next morning the girls were returning to school after most had been shut down across our country. I took the opportunity to go to see Elise at her gravesite. I asked for her forgiveness for not always being there when she needed me, even though I was always loyal to her. I still was carrying so much guilt for not being of proper mind and spirit when she was dying. I don’t believe I will ever get past it, no matter what happens in the future. I sat there quietly with her for most of the time. I thought about all the good times we had over the years. I always knew she was a better wife to me than I was a husband to her. Unfortunately, there was nothing I could do about now, other than to be a good father to our daughters.

  After I left there, I drove along the back roads until I came across the spot where I asked Elise to marry me. I pulled over and sat there thinking about my anger and what Gordy and the other men had told me the past few days. I started thinking about how I had made my choices in life and that God was not responsible for my car accident. That man who hit us made the choice to get drunk, get in his car and do damage to others. Maybe the others were right years ago when I was told, “You were lucky you were not more severely injured.” After all, I could continue to do what I had always wanted to do again, which was still to write music and find an audience for it. Maybe it was time to think again about all the good things in my life and make peace with my God. As I sat there trying to find peace in my heart overlooking the hills on this beautiful day, I again felt that peace come over me as I asked my God for forgiveness for what seemed to be have been pettin
ess and stupidity for many years on my part. At that moment, I felt like I had now had now reached the peace I had been searching for all these many years, the skies opened up and started to rain on me. There was one tiny cloud hovering directly over me and to this day, I’m not sure if that was God’s way of crying with me, or we shared the same sense of humor. I think I would have rained on my head too.

  The next few weeks were very quiet at home. The world was gearing up for war and people were afraid to get on airplanes. The economy was at a standstill. It was no time to run around the country attempting to find others to record a solo record with yours truly. I wrote most of it at home and recorded my parts on my new home recording studio. I used a local drummer and bass player for a few songs and used a Gospel singer from the local church as backup on a few others. After a few months, I went back to New York for a few days. I had Debby record lead and backup vocals on two songs. Once all the commotion died down and the airlines started to fly again, I went out to California where I had Billy play drums on some of the songs and Linda sang lead and back up as well. I used a few studio guys from California as well as some friends from other bands who lived in the area. People were afraid to fly, so I had to do most of the traveling to finish up the record. I refused to let the terrorists change my life. I had let forces change me for too many years. I refused to play the victim any longer. I knew my time was limited on this earth. I was going to make the best of it.

  I did get in trouble with Diana one night at home. It was not my fault. One night she asked if she could invite over her new boyfriend to the house and of course I was excited to meet him. It was not often she brought them around. This time she actually seemed excited by the prospect of me meeting him. Well, it didn’t take me too long to figure out what was going on. It didn’t take her long either. The boy really only wanted to meet me because he was an aspiring guitarist and he wanted to spend the entire evening with me and not with Diana. I was put in the tough spot of trying to be polite, but once it was obvious what was going on, I excused myself to my bedroom. Not only was her new boyfriend excused by her permanently from our home, I got cold stares the entire next day. I told her that I had used up the entire quota of anger for our entire household but now even my daughters didn’t appreciate the return of my finely tuned humor.

  I arranged for a trip to Europe with the girls in the summer. That seemed to end the cold stares. After all, it was time to cash in my gift from Feona. The envelope she had given me sat in my bags for many months after I returned back from rehab years ago. Once I finally did open it, I discovered a birthday card. There was also a note on the card that read, “When you are yourself again, bring your daughters back and I will make sure they get a first class tour and great seats. Be well my friend, Feona”. It was time to travel with my daughters beyond the United States borders.

  Diana was entering Duke University in the fall. It was a graduation and maybe a farewell gift to her as well. I was always told that once they leave for college it’s never really the same. I knew it was like that for me as well. She had grown into a beautiful lady, that I am sure would have made Elise so proud. Deborah on the other hand was a bit of a mischievous one. She was pretty much the exact opposite of Diana but never got into any real troubles. Her grades in school were still above average but in a way she was usually way ahead of the curve. She didn’t work nearly as hard as Diana did in school but it came to her naturally. Either way I loved them both the same, even if each assumed I loved the other more.

  We went on a three week trip all through Europe in July of 1992. First stop was London, where we saw all the tourist attractions. I called a few days before our trip. Feona did make good on her promise of giving us a wonderful tour. We saw an amazing orchestra perform later that evening. Feona was doing very well. She had been promoted to some big shot job where she had a nice office and a name tag on her desk. She really didn’t have to go out of her way like she did, but the girls were impressed I knew some big shot across the ocean. I didn’t dare tell them how I abused the poor lady many years ago.

  We then went on to Holland and Germany, down to Paris and over to Italy. We stayed in Rome for four days. The second day there I wandered passed the old school where Lorenza had taught years ago. I stood near the entrance to the school on the old stone street daydreaming for several minutes even sitting and looking into one of the windows, until some young man tapped on my shoulder. “Come, Si?” The boy reached for my hand and tried to pull me to the school building so I slowly followed. He took me into the school near where I had been gazing into a window.

  “Ciao, Dylan, come here and let me see you.” It was Lorenza, looking older with some grey in her hair and maybe a few wrinkles but still with the same radiant beauty in her eyes she always had in the past. “I knew it was you looking into my window let me see your face. I know you were here years ago. I no let you see me but I know you see me. Now, you don’t look the same. You have grown in the belly my friend. Let me see your eyes.” I let her touch my face. She then stared into my eyes for maybe thirty seconds before wrapping her arms around me with a huge hug. “My Dylan has returned.” I could feel the tear from her eye drop on my shoulder as she ran her hand along the back of my head. We talked for several minutes until she told me that she was now in charge of the school but was growing tired. I could see it in her face. Even though she was rarely without a smile I could now see the sadness in her eyes.

  Later that evening, she met me at one of the local restaurants, and joined my family for dinner. I only told my daughters that Lorenza was an old friend from many years ago, when right on cue my dear Deborah blurts out “Did mom know?” We all got a chuckle but the girls were not really willing to let it all go and asked me again about her the next day. I did tell them that I had met Lorenza before I married their mother and never once did I break my vows. I am not sure they believed me after seeing how obvious it was that Lorenza was not just a local school teacher that I had met many years ago. I really didn’t care. I knew it was the truth. We spent the next afternoon with Lorenza giving us a grand tour of Rome. At the end of the day, it was incredibly hard to leave her but we had tickets to move on to Greece for our last stop in Europe. I told Lorenza that I would be back soon to see her. She gave me that same frown I always got in disbelief, only this time I knew I meant it.

  When we got home from Europe the girls again asked about Lorenza. It was not easy for them to think that there was anyone but their mother in my past. I knew it was a subject that had to be explored with them. I knew it was very likely they would see Lorenza again the future. It was also hard on me since enough time had passed since we lost Elise. I felt I had dedicated many years to my daughters. That is not a complaint but they needed to realize that their dad had to move on with his life professionally as well as possibly romantically. It was talked about over the dinner table and even Rose approached me about it. I think she was more understanding about it than the girls. I told Rose the story of Lorenza but in the end, I had married Elise and that was the end of the discussion.

  The solo record was released in time for holiday shoppers. It was entitled “Dylan James Alone with Friends.” It received some of the best reviews I had ever gotten for any of my work. The sales were slow. I was offered a contract to play solo in a small casino in Las Vegas. After turning down the offer initially, I reconsidered and did ten shows the following spring. It felt great to be on stage again but I felt naked without a band. The girls were busy with school and had grown pretty sufficient over the years, so it was getting easier to leave them behind. Despite Diana only being an hour from home, living in the dorms, she rarely came home. More offers to play solo on the east coast were presented to Carl. But it was not something I really wanted to do. I had Linda come for one of the Vegas shows. I was far more comfortable with another sharing the stage with me. I had convinced myself playing solo was not my favorite way to play.

  The world was not the same as it had been only two years earlier. I w
ould sit and think about all the men and woman oversees fighting a war that seemed so senseless to me, yet a necessary evil. It had changed most people’s lives in the United States, even if you didn’t fly as often as me. I was getting used to having my bags checked to get on an air planes or read a story about envelopes being checked at the post offices for chemicals. I would still sit and question why a merciful God would make such a world. I was at peace in my heart but still wanted to know more. I tried talking with Pastor George about it but for whatever reasons I struggled to see his point of view. My belief system was still somewhat shaken. In the end, I did my best to live an ethical life. I was happy with me. I was never one to question anyone else’s beliefs, even if they were agnostic. I had come to believe that I could really only control my own belief system and that was enough for me. I have always believed that sometimes things happen for a reason, like me waking up and wandering into the coffee shop and meeting Sue my former frog dissecting partner. I don’t think that was merely a coincidence, even though I am sure there are many who would think it was.

  It took years before Carl and his firm got settled back in New York with proper office space and all the files properly restored. I was trying not to bother him with my ramblings and issues but I called him one day and asked him about my thoughts on a trust for Elise. After some discussions, we both decided that having a building named after her or possibly a musical scholarship in her honor would be created. It would be dependent on how much money we could generate in the beginning and what the plan would be to raise money in the future to keep the fund sustained. I was willing to offer my royalties from the recordings still in the vault from the music I made with Debby and Linda as well as some other cash. We needed a bigger plan however to get the idea really started. I didn’t want it to be a small project. I wanted something that would continue on long after my ability to play guitar or raise money.