Places I Never Meant To Go

by Shay Lynam

  I nodded in reply. “Yeah, I'm trying to get to Portland.”

  “What for? If you don't mind me asking.”

  I shook my head. “One of my friends went missing and I'm trying to find her.”

  Josh looked at me, his sandwich frozen halfway to his mouth. I took another bite of my bagel while I let him process. Guess he hadn't expected that to come out of my mouth. “Wow,” he finally said. “I'm sorry to hear about your friend.”

  “I know,” I said. “Me too. I just hope I can find her, ya know?”

  “Yeah. Or maybe she's already been found. Maybe she'll be there waiting for you when you get there.”

  “I doubt that,” I said with a chuckle, “but thanks for the positivity.”

  Josh just looked at me after that, his eyes still concerned like they had been outside, but he took a bite of his sandwich and didn't say anything else.

  After finishing our silent meal, Josh suggested I use the shower in his room. I thanked him and went back out to my car to get some clean clothes. Getting closer to my car, I felt my stomach drop and I froze where I was. A blonde figure sat in my drivers seat unmoving. My heart was hammering in my chest by this point. Someone was in my car. With my bag of money sitting there in the backseat under some clothes. It took a moment, but I managed to will my feet to start moving again. The person sitting in the front seat still hadn't moved. It seemed they were looking down at something in their hands.

  “Hey,” I yelled.

  Finally, the figure lifted their head and turned to look at me. Again I found myself freezing mid step and just staring. Then everything began to fade around me. Darkness seeped into my vision until it was like I was peering through a tunnel. I felt my knees give way and I began to fall. The last thing I saw was Emily's face as she stared sorrowfully at me from the drivers seat.

  Tyyyyyyyyyy-rrrrrr

  My eyes creaked open to meet Emily's wide-eyed gaze. “Em?” I croaked and tried to lift my hand to touch her but it stayed unmoving down by my side.

  She tilted her head to the side but stayed silent as she continued to peer down at me. “Say something,” I whispered trying to fight against the paralysis in my arms. In my whole body. “It's me. Tyler.”

  Tyy-rr

  Her mouth formed the words but no sound came out. I nodded erratically. “Yes, Tyler!” Emily leaned back and shook her head. As she stood up, I felt my stomach sink. “No, Emily stay here,” I said struggling against the invisible chains holding me down. I watched helplessly as she got up and started to walk away. “Emily!” I yelled. “No, stay here with me! Don't go!”

  “Emily!”

  Tyyy-ler... Tyylerr... Tyler! Tyler, wake up!

  I opened my eyes again to find, not Emily's face but Josh's staring down at me, his eyes wide with worry. As I blinked and peered around, the worry was replaced with relief.

  “Thank God,” he sighed shaking his head. “Are you okay, Tyler? Do you know where you are? Can you move?”

  I lifted my head slowly and squinted at my bright surroundings. “What happened?” I finally asked.

  “You passed out,” he replied helping me sit up. “Do you want me to call an ambulance?”

  I clicked my tongue against my teeth a few times. “I think I'll be okay,” I replied and moved to stand up. Josh kept me down.

  “Let me get you some water. You're probably dehydrated.” Then he leaned me back against my car and hurried back into the hotel.

  I sat there for a moment not moving. My head was pounding so hard and my stomach felt like it had been through a garbage disposal. Carefully, I turned and opened the drivers side door. I climbed up into my seat and sat there for a moment. Looking in the backseat, I saw that the bag of money was still there, nestled under my clothes and laptop. My bottle of ibuprofen sat in the passenger seat next to me and I grabbed it, twisting the cap off and pouring four pills into my hand. I tipped my head back and swallowed them dry, feeling them scrape my throat all the way down.

  A few moments later, Josh hurried back with a bottle of water in his hand. “Drink this,” he told me and passed it to me through the window.

  I tipped the bottle back and began guzzling. I guess I hadn't realized how thirsty I really was. By the time I came back up for air, the water bottle was empty. “Thanks,” I gasped running my sleeve along my chin to catch any drips.

  “Here,” Josh said handing me another one. “Take this one with you.” I took it from him. “But don't drink it too fast,” he added. “It does no good if you throw it all back up again.”

  I nodded and dropped it on the seat next to me. “Right,” I said. “Thanks again, Josh.”

  “Are you sure you don't need me to take you to the hospital or anything? Maybe you should have a doctor take a look at you. Make sure you're okay to drive.”

  I shook my head. “No, I'll be okay. I really need to get going. It's already almost noon and I still have at least eight hours before I hit Portland. Thanks for everything though, Josh.”

  “Sure thing, Tyler,” he replied still looking a little weary. Instead of trying to convince me to go to the hospital, he turned away and started back toward the hotel.

  I turned the key expecting to hear the sound of the engine coming to life. Instead there was silence. Oh right. “Hey, Josh,” I called after him. He turned to look at me. “So how about that jump?”

  Not ten minutes later I was back on the road again. This time, I was not stopping until I got to Portland. I couldn't afford anymore side trips. Though knowing my luck, I drove looking up at the gray sky, expecting a lightning bolt to come down and fry me.

  Any time my car made an odd noise, I felt my blood run cold and my heart flutter. Only when I crossed the border into Oregon, I felt I could relax a little. Not completely though, as I still had five hours before I hit Portland. Five long hours before I could finally start looking for Emily.

  “Don't worry, Em,” I said to myself. “I'll find you.”

  I tried to stop as little as possible, though I knew I needed to. Especially if I wanted to make it the rest of the way there in one piece. As I was getting closer, I started feeling more antsy and I decided to stop in La Grande after having been on the road for just a couple hours.

  Navigating through this city was something else. I had never been this far away from home before, though it was somehow familiar to me. Perhaps it was all the trees, having just driven through farmland for three days. I pulled over next to a park and got out, stretching in the process. My back cracked a few times and my feet tingled as I walked toward the entrance to the park.

  Once I got inside, I froze. It didn't take me long to figure out that this wasn't just a park. In perfect, neatly trimmed little rows, stood headstone after headstone. I began walking slowly, clutching the water bottle in my hand tighter and tighter until the cap flew off from the pressure. I shouldn't be here, I thought to myself. These are all strangers. But I couldn't just leave. Instead I walked slowly down the first row, careful not to step on any of the markers embedded into the ground. I glanced at some of the names, noting the dates and doing a little quick math in my head to figure out how old they were.

  I stopped at one grave in particular. Maybe it was the fact that they shared the first name and birth year as my mother. Or maybe it was the fact that they too had died this year. I found myself falling on my knees in front of this headstone, staring at the inscription under the name and date. A loving mother, wife, friend and grandmother. Wife. Grandmother. This woman had a husband. This woman had grandchildren. I couldn't even imagine my own mom as a grandmother. Then again, I couldn't very well see myself as a dad either. I was far too selfish and I wasn't afraid to admit that.

  “Don't forget, far too irresponsible.”

  I didn't even have to turn around to see who had said that. “And what does that say about you, Mother?” I asked through my teeth. Then I turned around to meet her eyes. She stood there in a black suit, like the ones she would wear every day to work. “Wow,” I sa
id. “How appropriate for where we are.”

  My mom walked up beside me, her heels clicking as she stepped right on one of the embedded grave markers.

  “Aren't you supposed to be dead?” I asked bluntly.

  “Aren't you supposed to be on your way to Portland right now instead of dilly dallying in La Grande?

  “I needed to stretch my legs out,” I muttered.

  My mom came and stood beside me. “Right, tell that to Emily when you find her half dead.”

  I stood up and got right in my mom's face. “Don't you dare say that to me. I'm trying, alright? I'll find Emily and she'll be fine.”

  “Sure.” Mom smiled. “Tell yourself that. At least you tried. That makes it all better, doesn't it? Is that what you told yourself every other time you failed?”

  “Shut up.”

  “Get your act together, Tyler,” she said, her smile long gone, her cold eyes drilling into mine. “Quit being so weak and actually do something right for once.”

  “Shut up!” I yelled swinging at her.

  My fists hit nothing but air as I swung wildly, trying to connect them with something. Anything. Finally, one of them hit the headstone in front of me, making a loud crack and sending fire shooting up my arm. In a cry of pain I fell back down to my knees, clutching my hand to my chest and pushing my forehead into the ground. I really needed to picking fights with headstones. “You witch,” I finally whispered through gritted teeth.

  On my way back out of town, I stopped at a drugstore and bought something to wrap my swollen hand and some more ibuprofen. My head was still pounding with anger as I pulled back onto the freeway. My mom wasn't going to win this time. I was going to find Emily if it was the last thing I ever did. Even if it killed me, my mom would not win this time.

  Two hours later, I could see the city of Portland, Oregon in the distance. My gut twisted when I saw signs saying “Portland 60 miles”. My legs shook and I felt sick, and I knew that it wasn't too late to back out, that I could leave this dark, crowded town behind and never come back. But I had done too much driving in the past few days. I had to do this. I had to find Emily. It was the only way I would ever be able to live with myself.

  As I made my way into the city, I didn't really know where to start. There were so many people, so many places. Even in the dark I could see that this was a busy place. I decided it wouldn't do me any good trying to find her tonight as I'm sure the coffee shop was closed till morning and that was where I really wanted to start looking.

  Remembering the coffee shop was near the college, it only took me half an hour to find the place and then another ten minutes to find the nearest hotel. I parked in the parking lot and got out, cramming everything into my money bag and slinging it over my shoulder. Then I just stood there for a moment looking up at the place that would be my home for a few days. It was weird knowing, or rather hoping, that Emily was in the same city as me. I had always been over three thousand miles away from her. Always feeling like the distance meant we would never met. Like we were on two separate planets or something. But now, I knew I was close to her. And it was a scary feeling.

  Finally, I started into the hotel. This was a much nicer one and I decided my mom would hate me if she knew I was blowing some of her money on a nice place to stay when she would have me stay in a crappy Motel 6. Only the necessities, Tyler. That's what she always told me. I didn't get nice things. Sure she got thousand dollar suits and patent leather briefcases. These are necessities, Tyler, she would tell me, I need to keep up appearances. Sure, sure. Now it was my turn.

  Once inside the hotel, I couldn't help but smile to myself. Everything was either dark wood or luxurious fabrics. A grand fireplace stood over in the corner with a roaring fire. Overstuffed, velvet looking furniture sat around it and a marble fountain stood nearby, the sound of the water trickling down mixing with the sound of the flames crackling. I could get used to this.

  “Can I help you, sir?”

  I turned around to the desk. It took up most of the wall even though only one suited man stood behind it. “Yeah,” I said walking up to it, noticing for the first time just how soft the carpet under my feet really was. “I need to get a room.”

  “Of course,” the man said looking me up and down. I'm sure I looked a little odd, soaking wet and not showered. “Er, how many nights will you be staying?”

  I guess I hadn't really thought about that. How long does it normally take to find someone? “I'm not really sure,” I admitted. “This is kind of an unusual trip. Is there any way I can pay by the night?”

  The man lifted an eyebrow. “Of course,” he replied eying the bag over my shoulder suspiciously. “What kind of room are you interested in?”

  “The best you got,” I said with a smile. I could just imagine my mom standing beside me, her lips pursed like they usually were when I did something like this. She would always wait until we were no longer in public to go off on me.

  After giving the man a credit card I barely ever used, I signed a form and he gave me two key cards. “That will be room 408, sir. Enjoy your stay.”

  I nodded thanks and headed for the elevator. As I stood waiting, the doors opened with a pleasant ding and a couple walked out. The woman was dressed in a slinky black dress, her hair cascading in loose curls down her back and the man trailing behind her wore a silvery dress shirt. These two were going out clubbing on this Saturday night. I, on the other hand, was not planning on leaving my room until morning.

  I got in the elevator and pushed the button to get me to the fourth floor. The inside of the elevator was just as decorated as the lobby with marble tiles on the floor and clean mirrored walls. I looked up at the ceiling to find an elaborate DaVinci looking painting of fat naked angel babies. This place was ridiculous in all the right ways. When the elevator dinged again, I waited for the doors to open then stepped out, almost colliding with a group of girls.

  “Excuse me, ladies,” I said smiling and stepped aside.

  They all looked like they were headed out clubbing for the night as well. One in a dangerously short, silver dress turned back around to look at me. “You should join us,” she purred.

  I smiled again. “Thanks but I have been traveling all day and I just want to sleep.”

  “How long are you staying here?” Another asked. This girl was wearing basically a red sparkly bra and short black skirt.

  “I'm not sure yet,” I replied hefting my bag up on my shoulder as it tried to slide off.

  “Well, we are room 423 if you're ever interested in stopping by for a visit.”

  “I'll remember that,” I said.

  Then I watched the girls all file into the elevator. As the doors shut, I winked getting a smile out of the silver dress girl. Once the door was shut, I let out a sigh. Sleepy time. It didn't take long to find my room. I inserted the key card into the slot and opened the door. After flipping on the lights, I stood there for a moment looking around, taking in the whole place.

  The room was equipped with two king size looking beds, a fireplace and a jacuzzi as well as a kitchen, which I didn't plan on using. Yeah, I would've been just as comfortable in their cheapest room, but as I went over to the fridge and saw that it was fully equipped with enough alcohol to get everyone in this hotel wasted, I knew I had made the right choice. I took out a full bottle of Jack, two cokes and a glass from the cupboard then went over to the bed closest to the window and plopped down on the mattress. Pillow top. Nice! As I set the bottles down on the nightstand next to me, I noticed a remote. I picked it up and pushed the top button. The cabinet in front of me opened revealing a large, flat screen TV. I pushed another button, bringing the screen to life. This was just too great.

  With the volume turned down to a dull roar, I mixed my drink then took out my phone. I had refused to answer any calls during the trip here and now I saw that I had three missed calls and voicemails.

  I pushed a couple buttons then brought the phone up to my ear. “Tyler?” It was Jameson, not Jam
es, not Jim. “You better have a good reason you've missed work two days in a row now. You're lucky that Andy was willing to take over your list. Call me soon.” I took a swig of my drink then pushed the next button. I could deal with him later.

  “Is this.... uhh... wow, I guess I never got your name. We met at the bar the other night. Um, I guess I'm the one that liked dolphins.” Oh, dolphin girl. How had she gotten my number? “Your friend gave me your number before I left so...” I made a mental note to punch Paul when I got back home. “Anyway, I just wanted to say that I had a good time with you and I hope we can hang out again before I leave the city on Saturday.” Welp, looks like that did not happen. “Okay, well, call me back. My name is Angela, by the way.” K bye, Angela. I hit the delete button.

  “Hey man, it's Paul.” This time I found myself sitting up. “I just wanted to make sure you're doing okay. It's weird not seeing you here. Anyway, just call me if you want when you get to Portland. It would be great to hear that you're doing okay. You know I worry about you. So, call me. Later.”

  I immediately went through my contacts and called Paul. It took him a few rings to answer but finally he did. “Hello?” he cracked.

  “Paul,” I said feeling relieved to hear a voice I recognized. “It's Tyler.”

  “Hey man,” he said. “Did you make it to Portland?”

  “Yeah, I made it. You should see my room. It's pretty ridiculous.”

  Paul chuckled sleepily. “Wish I could.”

  “Me too.” The two of us were quiet for a moment. “Anyway, I'm going to start looking for Emily tomorrow.”

  “Good, good. So tell me about your trip. How was it?”

  I filled Paul in on most everything that happened. I managed to leave out seeing my mom, Ruby's kiss and trying to break my hand. He especially got a kick out of the fact that I had been arrested. “Good thing John hadn't left yet, right?”

  “Yeah, no kidding,” I muttered tightening my hurt fist until the pins and needles grew unbearable. “Hey, I should probably hit the sack.”