How to Be Someone Else

by Rachel Del

  “Oh, my God. You’re such a guy.”

  “I’m surprised that Matt didn’t make the same suggestion last night.”

  A smile tugged at my lips. “Who says he didn’t?”

  The look in his eyes was disarming. It was almost like he was … jealous. I looked away from him, pretending that I hadn’t just noticed something I was certain I wasn’t meant to.

  Alex

  Way to be cool, Alex.

  Chapter 3

  Penny

  The psychiatrist closed the door behind us and immediately I thought two things. First, he looked nothing like I had expected a doctor to look; and two, I didn’t belong here. It was my first thought that gave me the most pause. He was young, I’d say in his early thirties, and there was no sign of grey hair on his head. His eyes, which were surrounded by only the faintest collection of lines, were a color somewhere in the realm of a blue so beautiful and unique that it was worthy of its own name. His hands, which settled on his lap, were wide and rough, as though he belonged on a construction site and not in an office with me. Even his name, Dr. Zackary Scott, did ungodly things to me. He was beautiful. Unsettlingly so.

  How was I supposed to take him seriously when he looked like that?

  We faced each other over a small, glass table and though I couldn’t bring myself to look at him again, I knew that he was watching me, waiting.

  Finally, he cleared his throat. “How are you, Penny?”

  His voice was like butter, which didn’t help my thoughts. I uncrossed and crossed my long legs, and scanned the room in the hopes the fire overtaking my body would cool off.

  Unlike him, the office was exactly what I had pictured. Bookshelves full of sad, self-help paperbacks. Over watered plants seemed to be everywhere I looked. The walls were muted beige. Well, actually, most everything was muted beige, including the surprisingly uncomfortable couch that I was sitting on.

  “I’m fine,” I said with a shrug. It was the truth. Kind of.

  “What brings you to see me?” he asked. I was too busy staring at his lips that I had to ask him to repeat himself.

  I should tell him the truth, right?

  “My parents are getting divorced and my mom thought it might be a good idea for me to talk to someone. My dad just moved out a few days ago.”

  “I’m sorry to hear that.” He went back to watching me, waiting.

  “Thanks.” I couldn’t concentrate. I needed him to stop looking at me.

  He sat back further in his seat and cleared his throat, which I was certain was a technique widely used by doctors to get their patients to start talking without actually demanding they do so.

  I sighed. “I guess if I really think about it, I just didn’t see the whole divorce thing coming. I mean, all parents think they’re doing such a good job of hiding their problems from their kids, but we always know. They had been fighting a lot, and dad seemed to be traveling a lot more than normal. But I never really thought it was that bad. I thought it was pretty normal, actually.”

  He nodded knowingly. I wondered if he was a child of divorce. If I asked him, would he tell me?

  “It was your mother’s idea for you to see a therapist?”

  I nodded. “I think she’s just being careful. You know, proactive.”

  “Right. Smart woman.” He cocked his head and smiled at me reassuringly. “How do you think you’re handling everything that has happened?”

  “I think it’s all still a little too fresh. I’m not sure it’s quite sunk in just yet.”

  Dr. Scott nodded. “Everyone deals with things like this differently.”

  I’m sure his words were meant to comfort me, but they didn’t. They seemed meaningless.

  He cocked his head to the side. “What are you thinking about?” His blue eyes were locked on mine and I found myself fantasizing about what he looked like with his clothes off instead of answering his question. “Penny?”

  Oh, my God, did my name sound good coming from his mouth.

  I shook the thought from my mind. “I guess I’m worried about what life will be like without my dad at home.”

  “That’s a very valid concern.”

  “My mom has always been this incredibly calming influence. She’s the voice of reason. But she kind of always has her head in the clouds.”

  “What do you mean?”

  What did I mean? “I love her, but she’s always been a daydreamer … always in her head. And very anxious.”

  Dr. Scott cocked his head again. “And that worries you?”

  “Yeah, I mean, my dad always kind of grounded her. Leveled her out. What if she falls apart without him?”

  “You’re awfully young to have to worry about such things.”

  He didn’t have to tell me twice. “Yeah, well, that’s me. I’m a worrier through and through.”

  “What else do you worry about?”

  It was such a therapist thing to ask. “I’m twenty-one, everything worries me. Life is one worry after another.”

  He smirked, apparently amused by my answer.

  “But I don’t want to be that way anymore. I don’t want to play everything so close to the chest.”

  “What do you play close to the chest?”

  I could think of hundreds of examples, but none that I wanted to tell him then. I’d already opened up more than I thought I would, but it was beginning to feel like too much too soon. So I chose not to answer his question.

  “I think I need to get out of Vegas for a while.”

  Dr. Scott crossed his hands in his lap, his left hand cupping his watch. “If you think that will help, why not? Sometimes a little time away can do wonders, as long as you realize that your problems are going to be waiting for you when you get back. If they were that easy to get away from, then everybody would be doing it. And I would probably be out of a job.”

  He smiled as he made the joke, but I didn’t find it funny.

  “It’s just that it’s something I wouldn’t normally do.”

  His brows furrowed. “What’s that?”

  “Run away like this. I’m not a very spontaneous person.”

  He smirked. “Well, I don’t know how spontaneous your plan is considering you have already given it some thought.”

  He was right, but I chose to ignore him. Because that’s the thing about being your own person; you can believe whatever you want to believe. And ignore whatever you want to ignore.

  Alex

  “Hello, Alex.”

  I willed myself not to react. Not to move or speak until I’d taken a deep breath. I knew by now what happened when I didn’t.

  “Yes, Monica, what can I do for you?”

  She threw a stack of papers onto my desk. A couple of them skidded across my keyboard and fell onto the floor. She made no motion to pick them up.

  “There’s no way the clients are going to be on board with your latest sketches. And those purchase orders you signed off on—” she motioned to the papers “— they don’t come to me. I don’t know how many times I’ve had to tell you that.”

  I bit my tongue so hard that I swore I could taste blood. The woman was mad. As in, absolutely, bat shit crazy. The purchase orders she had so lovingly given back to me did, in fact, get sent to her. At least that was what she had told me the week before. Now, it seemed, her story had changed.

  “Have you shown the latest logos to the clients? I know we’ve gone back and forth quite a few times, but I really think the latest sketches are exactly what they’re looking for.”

  Monica pursed her lips. “They haven’t seen them and they aren’t going to because I’m not going to show them yet another logo they won’t be happy with.”

  As I looked up at her hovering over me like a peacock displaying its feathers, I wondered, for the millionth time, how I ended up here. I’d done everything right. I had worked my ass off in high school, securing myself an almost free ride at CalArts, where I lived and breathed design for four years. I had been so focused on my
studies that I hadn’t even had a girlfriend the whole time I was in Valencia. Don’t get me wrong, there were girls, one night stands, but nothing remotely serious. I was in love with my education.

  God, no wonder I never had a girlfriend in four years.

  I spent my summers back in Vegas, interning for the company I now worked for, giving them my blood, sweat and tears in exchange for experience. Monica had been my boss since I started, and things had been intense from the very beginning. It turns out that women don’t like being told no. And now that I worked here full-time, Monica had all the time in the world to act out in revenge.

  I took in a deep breath through my nose and released it through my mouth. “Do you have some thoughts as to what you might like me to change?”

  She narrowed her eyes at me. “Don’t tell me you want me to do your job now, too?”

  I fixed my eyes on her and forced a smile onto my face. “Of course not, Monica. I wouldn’t dream of it.”

  But I did dream about picking those papers up off of my desk and shoving them down her throat. If nothing else, I would be granted a slight reprieve from having to listen to the sound of her voice.

  Monica turned and left without another word — a blessing, indeed — and I turned back to my work with a sigh, wondering, again, how I got here.

  “Is it weird that I sometimes forget you were in California all those years? I mean, I remember when you told me you got into CalArts. I absolutely flipped out because it meant you were moving away for nine months at a time.”

  I smiled at the memory. “I remember it well; you threw quite the fit.”

  “I was pissed! I thought for sure you were going to go off and replace me with someone new. Some hippy dippy visual artist or something.”

  But Penny was irreplaceable, and always would be.

  “I can honestly say there was no one I met who could ever hold a candle to you.”

  Penny blinked slowly, her head tilting to the side. “That was incredibly cheesy and incredibly sweet at the same time, which is actually terribly hard to pull off.”

  I sank back into my headboard and sighed.

  “What’s going on with you? Please tell me it’s something juicy, because I really need to not be thinking about my own issues for even ten minutes.”

  I cupped my right hand with my left and squeezed until my knuckles cracked. “This job is going to be the death of me.”

  “Monica at it again? What is her problem with you? Did you do something to piss her off?”

  I looked over at Penny from the corner of my eyes, but she was too busy picking at her nails to notice. If she only knew. “She gets off on treating everyone under her like shit. That’s all there is to it.”

  Penny looked up from her hands. “It sounds to me like she needs to get laid.”

  I chuckled. “That’s probably true, but as much as guys think crazy translates to hot sex, her kind of crazy is on a whole other level. I think men know to steer clear of her.”

  Penny continued to pick at her nails. “You’re too good for that place, anyway.”

  I nodded slowly. “Yeah, I know.”

  “So why stay? There has to be hundreds of design jobs out there that would suit you much better,” she said.

  I was struck by how blissfully unaware Penny could be at times. She had to know the state of employment in this country. Now was not the time to be leaving a job, let alone in the design field. It didn’t matter that I had the boss from hell. I had to make do for now, continue to pay my dues, and pray that Monica did something so irrevocably wrong that she got fired. Or that she finally got over the past.

  Preferably before I ran out of money and got kicked out of my apartment.

  Chapter 4

  Penny

  I did it because I needed a reminder. I needed to know that I was still in there somewhere, that I could do something just because I wanted to. Because I felt like it. And not because anyone else had told me to.

  I slept with him because he was kind, with honest eyes and because he wanted me. And it felt good to be wanted like that.

  My hand shook as I held the phone to my ear and listened to it ring. Natalie picked up on the second ring.

  “Tell me that we’re going out tonight.”

  “Penny Jane … I don’t know what has gotten in to you, but I highly approve,” she said, laughing. “I think that Ash and a few of her college friends were planning on heading to Tao.”

  I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror, alarmed by what I saw. I looked … sad. There was no other way to put it. And so I said yes, I’d be there.

  I could hear the elation in her voice. “Yes, Penny! This is going to be one hell of a night.”

  I knew that in one way or another, she was right.

  I agreed to let Natalie do my makeup and pick out my outfit, which was something that I would normally never let her do. That’s how I knew I’d made the right decision. By the time we had our first round of drinks in our hands, I noticed just how much attention I was getting. And I liked it … a lot. The nightclub was packed and so loud that I couldn’t hear myself think. It was perfect.

  “Penny, that Italian looking guy at 2 o’clock hasn’t been able to take his eyes off of you.” It was Ash’s voice, yelling over the noise. I looked up at her before turning and following her gaze. My eyes locked on the deepest brown eyes I’d ever seen, surrounded by a mess of dark curls that fell over his face. My mouth instantly dried.

  I felt arms on my lower back pushing me forward. I wasn’t surprised to see my friends encouraging this. I’d known for a long time how they felt about Matt. They were open and honest in their opinion of him, adamant in their belief that I could do much better.

  I was starting to believe them.

  The Italian sat up straighter as I approached him and took a long drink from his beer bottle.

  “Hey,” I said, soon realizing I had absolutely no idea what I was doing. I’d never talked to a guy in a bar. I’d never really even gotten that far before.

  “Hey,” he crooned and his mouth formed into a smile that made my legs weak. I reached out and steadied myself on the small table between us.

  “What’s your name?” he asked.

  “P-Penny.”

  “For real? That’s a cool name. You don’t hear that one too often.”

  I nodded. I stared at his face, wondering how someone so young could have such a deep five o’clock shadow.

  “So, uh … can I get you another drink?” He motioned to the glass in my hand that was pretty much only melted ice by that point. “What were you drinking?”

  I was embarrassed to tell him, so I said the first thing that came to mind. “Whiskey.”

  His eyebrows jumped up and I couldn’t tell if he was impressed or just surprised. “Alright … another whiskey it is. On the rocks, I see.”

  Again, I nodded. What the hell did ‘on the rocks’ mean?

  He flagged down a waitress and ordered my drink and another beer, even though his was still nearly full. Maybe he was as nervous as I was? Not likely.

  He reached out and took my hand. “I’m Nick, by the way. Do you want to sit down?”

  I shook his hand awkwardly; it felt far too formal for the setting. I couldn’t think of a single word to say.

  “Are you shy, Penny?” he asked, a smile pulling at his lips.

  I sat down on the soft seat beside him. Yes. No. “I guess you could say that I’m a little out of my element.” I tugged at the hem of the short jean skirt Natalie had dressed me in. I could feel Nick’s gaze follow the long line of my legs.

  “And why’s that?” he asked, leaning in closer.

  “I’m not much of a drinker, so I haven’t had much of a reason to come to places like this.”

  He clicked his tongue. “Ah, I see. You’re a good girl,” he said.

  Our drinks arrived and I lifted the glass to my mouth, grateful for the interruption. But I forgot that it was whiskey and not the fuzzy navels that I’d been
drinking. Before I could reel in my reaction, I spit the brown liquid onto the table between us.

  I. Wanted. To. Die.

  But Nick was nonplussed. “I had a feeling that’s not what you were drinking.”

  Miraculously, my face broke out into a smile. “And you let me order it anyway?”

  He leaned forward. The smell of his cologne tickled my nose. “Is it bad that I wanted to see what you’d do?”

  “No,” I said, shaking my head, smirking like an idiot, “not at all, actually. I’d have done the same thing.”

  “Great,” he said, clapping his hands together, “now can I get you whatever it was you were really drinking?”

  I’m blushing. Am I really blushing?! “A fuzzy navel,” I whispered.

  Nick and I shared three drinks together. Including the glass I’d had before we started talking and, well … I was definitely drunk.

  Even through the haze I could see that he was a gentleman. He danced closely, but not as though he wanted to take my clothes off right there and do naughty things to me. I, on the other hand, was suddenly unable to think of anything but the fact that up until that point I had only slept with one person. I knew only what Matt’s body looked like, how Matt’s touch felt.

  Would it be so bad if I just … for one night … No, I can’t… right?

  “Hey, where’d you go?” Nick’s voice broke through my thoughts.

  I was chuckling as I looked up at him — knowing what I’d just been thinking — but when my eyes met his, there was something in them that was absolutely unmistakable. Lust.

  His gaze fell to my lips, and I knew what that look meant. He wanted to kiss me.

  I looked down at his lips, too, in a way that I hoped said, yes, please.

  Nick kissed me.

  I didn’t think about Matt. I didn’t think about my friends ten feet away. And I didn’t care that I was drunk. All I cared about was the voice in the back of my head at that very moment saying, yes! This is living!

  Chapter 5