How to Be Someone Else

by Rachel Del

  After three weeks of writing with her each morning I had 35,000 words, detailing my life with startling clarity. Before P.J. began writing each morning she would read over what I had written the previous day and give me notes. She was equal parts encouraging and ruthless, “like someone had been with her early on” and my writing would be better for it.

  I began to fantasize about what it might be like to become a published author like her, though I’d still been unable to track down any more of her books. She had brushed me off the two times I’d tried to ask her about it, so I’d stopped asking.

  “That last line is beautiful, Penny,” she said, sliding the printed pages I handed her when I arrived that morning back across the table to me. “You’re really coming along.”

  I wanted to tell her how much it meant to me that she was helping me out. That it meant so much to just be there with her. But I didn’t want to sound juvenile and needy. Instead, I thanked her and returned my focus to my novel.

  I stayed at the coffee shop much later than normal. And no, it had nothing to do with me avoiding a certain someone … When I finally glanced up from my computer, the sky had taken on an oddly grey hue, as though it might erupt into a storm at any moment. By then, P.J. and I had gone hours without talking. She had barely even moved. Barely written. I stood, pushing back my chair with a squeal much louder than intended, but it got her attention. I looked down at her, our matching hazel eyes locking, and willed her to speak to me. Finally, she released a deep sigh.

  “Listen. I know I come down hard on you sometimes, but it’s only because I’m trying to stop you from making the same mistakes that I did.”

  I leaned down, pressing my palms flat against the table top. “I understand. I do.”

  P.J. reached out and cupped her hand over mine, fiddling with my silver ring. A flicker of nostalgia passed through her eyes so quickly that I almost missed it. “You owe it to yourself to turn over every stone. No matter what. Even if that stone is your best friend, and the thought of taking that step scares the hell out of you.” And then, as though her words hadn’t been powerful enough, she added, “And forget about this Ryan guy. He’s only a distraction that you can’t afford right now.”

  Chapter 26

  Penny

  Forget about Ryan? Why on earth would I do that? We were just starting to have fun.

  He was a drug that I couldn’t get enough of, and each time I saw him he gave me just enough of a hit to keep me addicted. He kept me coming back for more. We told no one that we were spending time together. I’d known early on that he was fiercely private, and I admired that about him. And keeping it a secret made it feel more torrid somehow, like we were having an affair. He hadn’t kissed me again, hadn’t touched me since the first time in his pool. I didn’t know how much more I could take. I wanted to be close to him.

  We were sitting in his bedroom after a quick dip in the pool to try and put the hot and sticky summer afternoon behind us. “Can you teach me something on the guitar?”

  I pulled it onto my lap and smiled as he scooted closer to me. I let him put my hands on the strings and adjust the placement of my fingers, let him show me how to hold the pick. I tried to pay attention to what he was showing me but the smell of him was driving me crazy. There was just the slightest hint of cologne left on him, the rest; a mixture of sweat and chlorine. I set the guitar down beside me and dropped my hand onto his thigh.

  He looked down at it and then up at me, his Adam’s apple bobbing up and down. “Penny,” he said. A warning. A warning that I was starting something neither of us would be able to stop. I moved my hand further up his leg.

  He grabbed it, pinning it to the side of my thigh, looking at me wildly. His thumb brushed against my bare leg, sending goosebumps erupting across my skin. And then, with time only to steal the tiniest of breaths, he threw his body towards me and smashed his mouth against mine.

  Sometime later, when it was nearly dark outside, we lay in his small bed, the sheets gathered at our feet. I’d always been shy about being naked, but somehow Ryan had made me feel like my body was special, like it was meant to be on display just for him. I was feeling relaxed, satisfied, but he seemed oddly on edge. I turned towards him, lifted his left hand off of the bed and placed it on my right breast, smiling. His arm went stiff and he pulled it back sharply.

  “We shouldn’t have done that,” he said in a loud whisper. He had my attention.

  “Why would you say that?”

  Ryan and I had been miraculous together. He knew it just as well as I did.

  He ran a shaky hand through his curls. “You’re Matt’s girl.”

  I slapped the empty space between us. The sound came across as a dull thud, diluting the effect. “Was. Was Matt’s girl.”

  “I’m supposed to be the guys’ friend.”

  I waved him off. “You’re friendly, but I would hardly call you friends.”

  But he wasn’t deterred. “Guys don’t work the same way as girls. There are no varying degrees of friendships, no besties or any of that crap. We’re either friends or we’re not.”

  It didn’t make any sense to me that he was getting so wound up considering the fact that no one even knew we were hanging out. But I didn’t say that. Instead, I slid out of his bed and gathered my clothes, dressing quietly and quickly. I was certain he was going to let me walk out the door without another word and he almost did; but by the time I was dressed and had my hand on the doorknob I heard him clear his throat behind me.

  “Just … let’s just not tell anyone about this, okay? It’s no one else’s business is all.”

  “Okay.”

  I thought about Ryan’s words on the drive home. I thought about P.J. telling me that he was only a distraction. And then the song on the radio said the rest for me.

  This ain't the right time for you to fall in love with me

  Baby I'm just being honest

  And I know my lies could not make you believe

  We're running in circles that's why

  In my dark times I've still got some problems I know

  Driving too fast but just moving too slow

  And I've got something I've been trying to let go of

  Pulling me back every time

  Alex

  I arrived at work early. Too early surprisingly, since I didn’t like to spend more time here than absolutely possible. Monica came rushing by forty minutes after I’d arrived, her eyes narrowing when she spotted me at my desk. My eyes lingered on her face, the hard line of her cheek bones, her ice blue eyes that stood out against her thick, black hair, and then travelled the length of her petite body. I felt a slight stir in my pants.

  I let my eyes flutter closed. Damn Talon for putting ideas into my head.

  It didn’t matter that he wasn’t entirely wrong.

  “Alex.”

  I’d known she was standing behind me, her perfume having announced her arrival before she could. I swiveled around in my chair to face her. “Morning, Monica.”

  Her eyebrows jumped up, obviously surprised by my greeting. In her defense, we weren’t usually one for pleasantries.

  “You’re here early?”

  I wasn’t sure why she was questioning something that was obviously true. “Yeah.”

  “Listen, I—” The shrill ring of her phone stopped her mid-sentence. She held up a finger and turned her back to me to take the call.

  I leaned back in my chair, my gaze dropping to her ass. Her perfect, round ass. It didn’t seem possible that a woman like Monica was single. It was hard to believe that the person she was at work was the same person she was elsewhere. In fact, I would wager that the cold, bitchy boss persona was all an act, someone she felt she had to be in order to be respected and get ahead. Outside of work she was probably a pretty cool chick.

  But I’d never know. I’d already burned that bridge a long time ago.

  I glanced up just as she ended her call, giving her a weak smile that I hoped wouldn’t give away
what I’d just been thinking. She seemed to look at me for a moment — through me, really — and decided that whatever it was she had come over here to say wasn’t worth it.

  “Don’t forget we have those moms coming in at ten to go over the designs for their kids new soccer uniforms.” She pressed two fingers to her temple and fired.

  A laugh shot out of me. I motioned to the thermos in her hand. “Then I imagine you’ve taken the liberty of adding two fingers of something strong into that coffee there.”

  Her eyes darted left, right, and then fell on me as she tapped the side of her nose with a smile. “See you at ten. And maybe I’ll share.”

  I turned back around to face my computer, a smile creeping onto my face. It had been a long time since we’d gotten along like that.

  Two years to be exact.

  Later that evening, I pushed my way into my apartment, shutting and locking the door behind me. The meeting had gone about as well as it could have, considering those women were perpetually unsatisfied and angry. I chuckled, thinking about what Talon would have to say about them all. Probably something like, their husbands probably stopped paying attention to them a long time ago when they started banging their twenty-year-old assistants. That actually didn’t seem too farfetched.

  I’d grabbed the mail on my way up from my car, and tossed it onto the coffee table, my focus on grabbing a beer from the fridge. My last one. I cracked it open with a hiss, throwing the cap into the sink, and flopped down into a chair, my eyes scanning over the mail. I didn’t really even need to look. I knew what was awaiting me.

  Another bill. Another final notice. It was always the same thing.

  I took a long drink from my beer and sighed, staring at the envelopes in front of me like they might disappear if I waited long enough.

  Chapter 27

  Penny

  My hair was sticking to the side of my face in globs, but I did the best to ignore the summer heat. I’d woken that morning from a dream that felt so real it left my heart clanging in my chest, and throbbing a little south of that. I’d dreamt of Alex. I’d hoped that a long walk might clear my head, or at least help to erase any memory of that dream.

  It didn’t work.

  I went back home, showered off my morning, and retreated to the living room with my laptop in tow. Fresh air and exercise certainly hadn’t helped, but I knew that writing would. Except the harder I tried to concentrate on the words in front of me, the more my thoughts drifted to Alex.

  That dream. Oh, my God, if he knew…

  I shook the thought from my head, literally, and pushed my laptop aside. That’s not the kind of dream you have about your best friend … if I could even call him that anymore. The truth was that I’d been pushing him away … and I didn’t even have a real explanation as to why. Over the past few weeks, things had just begun to feel so complicated between us. And his behavior lately, which I would have once seen as him just being his usual over-protective self, began to feel a little too much like he was suffocating me. It was clear that he didn’t like this new side of me.

  So, I found it easier just to put some space between us.

  It didn’t help me from feeling horrible about the way I’d spoken to him the last time I saw him.

  My phone buzzed on the couch next to me and for a fleeting moment I hoped it was Alex. He’d come over and we’d talk and everything would go back to normal.

  Except, it wasn’t him. It was Ash.

  Ash: Hey, girl. Haven’t heard from you since the morning after Dino’s. Just checking in to make sure everything’s okay.

  I stared at the wall ahead of me, debating what to say.

  Me: I’m good, thanks for checking in.

  It was the safe answer.

  Ash: Liar. What’s up? Want to go get coffee?

  I smiled.

  Me: I don’t feel like going out, but you could come over and I could make us some coffee here?

  Ash: Be there in thirty.

  I tossed my phone aside and stared at my computer. I’d write after Ash leaves, I told myself.

  “I was a total asshole to him, Ash. I don’t know what’s gotten into me.”

  “I think you know exactly what has gone in where,” she said with a smirk. “Seriously, I need details. Ryan is far too beautiful to be anything less than mind blowing in bed.”

  “First off, good looks do not automatically translate into good sex. And secondly, I’m trying to talk to you about Alex!”

  Ash looked mildly disappointed. “Boring.”

  I narrowed my eyes at her.

  “Fine, fine.” She sighed. “What’s gotten into you is that you’ve finally realized it’s not normal to be so close to guy like that if you’re not also fucking him.”

  I chuckled despite myself. “Come on, you know that’s not true. Guys and girls are just friends all the time. I don’t know why you and everyone else seem to have your panties in a bunch about Alex and me.”

  She leaned forward. “Because we’re all just wondering how you could be so blind as not to see that the guy is totally in love with you!”

  “You’re crazy.”

  “Am I? Or am I making so much sense that your mind is blown?”

  I pursed my lips. “Definitely crazy.”

  Ash let go of her coffee and sank back into her chair. She cocked her head, watching me. “You guys are both obviously all fired up about something, so I think the best thing you could do is just give him some space. Some time. Then you can talk when you both have clearer heads.”

  I thought back to the night at Dino’s, to that look in Alex’s eyes. Anger. Disappointment. Confusion. I felt the same way, even now.

  “You don’t think I should apologize?”

  Ash thought about it for a moment and then shook her head. “I really think you need to give it some time. Otherwise this could all blow up in your face.”

  “Hasn’t it already?”

  Alex

  “Come to Boston.”

  I will admit that I’d thought about it, thought about getting away. But it had only been a few weeks since I ran off to California. I’d been lucky to get through that unscathed, mostly because I’d done enough sucking up to Monica that my lips were permanently pursed. Running off to Boston was another story.

  I adjusted the laptop screen so I could see Amy better. I didn’t say anything about the mess I could see in the room behind her. I knew she had enough on her plate. “I’m going to try before the end of the summer, Amy, but I can’t promise anything.”

  I thought of the balance in my bank account.

  She shook her head. “No, brother. Listen to what I’m saying.” She leaned forward so far that her face was a blurry mess in front of me. “Come to Boston. You can stay with us until you get back on your feet.”

  I didn’t answer right away. It was an intriguing offer that was for sure. But I couldn’t do that to her, put that pressure on her.

  “As appealing as that is, I can’t go running off to my big sis to fix my problems.”

  She sighed. “Tell me that I can at least help you out, Alex. Can I send you some money?”

  I shook my head adamantly. “That’s just as bad. Maybe worse, I don’t know. I have to do this on my own, Ames.”

  She nodded. The sound of a squealing child echoed through the background. “Probably for the best anyway, no one in this house gets much sleep.”

  I chuckled. “It’s a good thing those nieces of mine are so damn cute.”

  “Right? I’d have ditched them long ago if they didn’t have those eyes on them. I’m butter when they look at me with those baby blues.”

  I sighed. “I’ll get things figured out, Ames; and in the meantime I’ll do my best to get out there for a visit as soon as I can.”

  “You know, I could buy your ticket and—”

  “Not gonna happen.”

  She smiled. “It was worth a shot. Take care, little brother.”

  “You too, Ames. Say hi to the family for me.”<
br />
  She blew me a kiss and disconnected the FaceTime call.

  I sank back into my chair with a sigh. Move to Boston. It wasn’t a bad idea. But not when things were such a mess here. Though she might not know it, Penny still needed me. I couldn’t turn my back on her, no matter how hard she tried to push me away.

  Chapter 28

  Penny

  I watched P.J. out of the corner of my eye.

  “I’m sorry,” she said, without looking up from her computer, “just one … more … minute.”

  It didn’t matter to me; she could take as long as she wanted. I was entranced by the way her fingers flew over the keyboard, by the line of concentration between her thin eyebrows, by the way her lips moved as she wrote. Her eyes were glued to the screen in a trance of her own. Had I not known I wanted to be a writer before, she would have convinced me just then. I thought anyone who connected that much to what he or she was doing is exactly what I wanted to be doing.

  Eventually she looked up from her screen. Her eyes looked darker than just a few minutes earlier.

  “I’m sorry,” she said again. “I’ve been having trouble with the end of that chapter for days, and then it just came to me while we were talking. I’m sorry.”

  “You really don’t need to apologize,” I said.

  I’d had time to study her, which I did in brief glimpses so that she wouldn’t notice. Today, her hair didn’t look so much unwashed as unbrushed, reminding me a little of myself in that way. I was perpetually lazy when it came to taking care of my hair.