How to Be Someone Else

by Rachel Del

  “You’re my best friend, Alex.”

  His eyes were burning into mine. “Who cares?”

  I opened my mouth to tell him exactly what I thought. That I cared. That he should, too. That we had nine years of friendship to consider. But instead, I clamped my eyes shut and pressed my lips to his.

  His arms came around me and pulled me flush against his chest, and everything fell away.

  Chapter 39

  Alex

  I woke up with one thing on my mind. Penny.

  For nine years I had stood by, knowing and waiting. Knowing how much I loved her. Waiting for her to feel the same. Knowing that we were meant to be. Waiting for her to realize the same.

  But I didn’t need to wait any longer. She knew.

  I was careful not to move too much in the chance that I’d wake her. I carefully lifted a hand to brush a stray piece of dirty blonde hair from her face. I didn’t know how it was possible, but she was even more beautiful while she slept.

  I slid my arm under my head, propping it up so that I could get a better look at her. I would have paid a million dollars to know what she was dreaming about at that moment. I hoped it was me. Us.

  A contented sigh escaped my mouth.

  I slipped slowly off the bed and crept out of the room. In the small kitchen, I set the kettle on the stove and pulled two mugs from the cupboard; the need for coffee temporarily pushing thoughts of Penny from my mind. If Penny woke up half as hungover as I was, we were both in trouble.

  Moments later, two steaming cups of coffee in hand, I pushed open the bedroom door with my foot, ready to wake her. I startled when I saw her sitting upright in bed, her legs tucked tightly against her chest. “Coffee?”

  She reached for the cup, gratefully. “Thanks.”

  I wandered over to the bed and sat down beside her. I glanced at her before bringing my cup to my lips. Something was wrong. I set down my coffee and turned to her. “What is it?”

  She wrapped both of her hands around the small mug and shrugged.

  I tried and failed to ignore the tug in the pit of my stomach. “Come on, I know you better than that. What’s going on?”

  She took another sip of her coffee, staring at the blank wall across the room. She felt like she was a million miles away.

  “Is my life ever going to be easy?”

  I chuckled, though not unkindly. “Of course. You’re just … well, you’re in the trenches right now. There’s a lot of bullshit that happens in our lives, you’re just getting it all out of the way a lot sooner than a lot of us.”

  Penny smiled from the corner of her mouth. “You think so?”

  I nudged her shoulder with mine. “Absolutely.”

  We fell into silence then, me thinking about how perfectly normal it felt being her with Penny, like this. What she was thinking about? Well, that would always be somewhat of a mystery. No one could ever truly know Penny. Not really.

  But if this was all I got, if every day began like this, I would die happy. I would want for nothing, because having her there would be enough. She would always be enough.

  Penny got out of bed, tugging at the hem of her shirt where it had ridden up. I caught just a glimpse of the soft, fair flesh of her mid-section.

  “I should go…”

  My eyes darted to hers. “You don’t have to. We could hang out?”

  She shook her head softly. “I don’t think that’s a very good idea.”

  I released a deep breath. “Penny, you don’t have to be freaked out, what happened was per—”

  Her face crumpled and she lifted her hand. “Please, I can’t … I have too much on my plate already to worry about what that kiss may or may not have meant.”

  I crossed the space between us in two strides and slipped my fingers through hers. “Please, don’t go.”

  But she pulled her hands from mine. “I just need time to think. This is all so … confusing.”

  I wasn’t ready to give up that easily. Deep down I knew: if I let her go, I might never get her back. All I could do was ask her to stay.

  Her mouth was a straight line. “I’m sorry, Alex.”

  Penny

  Ryan answered the door looking both curious and annoyed. I brushed past him through the doorway, oblivious to his mood. “Is anyone else home?”

  He shook his head.

  “Good.”

  He followed me into the living room where I turned to face him. “I’m sorry for showing up like this, but it’s been a weird day.”

  He swallowed hard, avoiding looking at me. Normally, I would have thought it to death, but I wasn’t in the mood. Not today. Not after what had just happened with Alex.

  I wet my lips, thinking about the way it felt waking up next to him that morning.

  Good. Too good.

  “Ryan.”

  He finally lifted his eyes to meet mine.

  I stepped towards him tentatively, the weight of the morning pulling me down. What was I thinking, kissing my best friend? There was no way that this would end well. We’d destroy not only our future, but our past, as well. All those years … all those memories … they would mean nothing because we’d tainted them.

  I couldn’t do that to him. To us.

  I couldn’t do that to myself.

  I stepped closer to Ryan. “Make me forget everything.”

  I saw him coming this time. But that didn’t mean I was any more prepared than the last time he had shown up on my doorstep, unannounced.

  My eyes hurt from crying.

  “Penny.” It came from his mouth as a whisper, but I could still make out the pain in Alex’s voice.

  I shut the car door and turned to him, my breath caught in my throat. He’d been crying, too. I fought the urge to run to him and wrap him in my arms. It wouldn’t change anything. It wouldn’t take back the past. He hung his hands on his hips as he watched me, doing nothing to hide the pain on his face.

  “You were with him, weren’t you?”

  “Yes.”

  Truth.

  He blinked rapidly. “How could you—”

  “Nothing happened, Alex.”

  Truth.

  He wet his bottom lip and looked down at his feet. When his chin lifted and his eyes landed on mine again, all hint of sadness had drained from his face. The man looking at me now was hurt. Broken. Angry.

  “It doesn’t matter, Pen.” He shook his head wildly. “What matters is that you ran to him. To him, Pen. You were with me, and then you ran to him.”

  I stepped forward, but he held up a hand, stopping me.

  “Enough. This is enough. I can’t keep putting myself through this.” He ran a shaky hand through his hair. “I love you, Pen. I think I always have. But this will never work, not when you’re like this. Not when as soon as we get close, you do everything in your power to push me away. So I’m going to make this easy on both of us. I’m out, I’m done.”

  I couldn’t speak, couldn’t find the words. My aching heart felt like it was going to jump out of my chest.

  Alex stared at me, his face full of disappointment. “He’ll break your heart, Pen.”

  Truth.

  He turned and walked away, disappearing into his car. The engine sputtered to life and then he was gone.

  Chapter 40

  Penny

  The morning came too soon, ripping me from my beautiful dream. I kept my eyes shut, willing my body back to sleep, but the long day came back to me slowly.

  Turning to Alex for help. Drinking with him. Laughing with him. The feel of his arms around me as he comforted me. Kissing him. The feeling of waking up next to him.

  I sighed, knowing life would have already been so different if I had just trusted myself. If I hadn’t run to Ryan. If Alex hadn’t found out.

  Instead, I was more alone than I’d ever been. Not only had I pushed Alex away for good, but P.J. and my novel were gone, too.

  I had lost everything.

  My thoughts drifted back to Alex. I closed my e
yes, recalling the best moments of our night before I’d gone and ruined it all. I smiled, thinking of my legs sprawled out over his, the shiver that had run down my spine when his hand touched the back of my knees.

  I had known right then, in that seemingly innocent moment, my feelings for him had moved beyond friendship. That I could see a future with him.

  And so naturally, I freaked the hell out because if I loved him…

  If I loved him, he held the power to break me.

  If I loved him, I couldn’t bear to lose him.

  If I loved him, there was a good chance I would ruin him.

  Because I take something good, and leave it in pieces behind me.

  Alex

  I slammed the door so hard that the sound reverberated throughout my entire apartment. My empty apartment.

  Yesterday morning had started out so perfectly. Waking up beside Penny had been more than I could have ever dreamt up. I wish I could have bottled up that moment so I could relive it whenever I wanted. I still wasn’t quite sure what had happened. It was as though with every passing minute after she woke, Penny pulled herself further and further away from me.

  I knew I shouldn’t have let her go, but what was I to do? If I had pushed her to stay, she would have pushed right back. And, well, I let her go, and look what happened. She ran straight into Ryan’s arms.

  I can’t say it didn’t hurt. I mean, it was obvious it had. I had poured my heart out to her, putting myself and our friendship on the line, and she ran. Right into someone else’s arms.

  I left my anger to simmer in the back of my mind as I reached for my phone, dialing the familiar number. I’d barely heard the line connect before I began talking. “I can’t take this anymore. Everything is such a mess.”

  I heard Amy sigh through the phone. “Are we talking the kind of mess that can be solved with a night of drinking and some serious self-pity? Or the kind of mess that only your big sister can clean up?”

  “Definitely the latter.”

  An image of Penny naked in Ryan’s arms pushed its way into the forefront of my mind. Talk about sickening.

  “My offer for you to come here and stay with us stands, Alex. If you think that will help, you just say when.”

  I thought about what it might feel like to be across the country from Penny. To not be able to hop in the car and drive ten miles to see her. “When.”

  Amy chuckled. “I’ll take care of the flight. You just tell me when.”

  I didn’t even have the energy to fight her on the cost of the flight. “Is Monday too soon?”

  “Not at all. I’ll make all the arrangements and send you the itinerary.”

  I sighed heavily. “Thanks, Ames.”

  “Don’t mention it.”

  “I guess I’ll see you soon.”

  I could almost hear her smile through the phone. “We can’t wait.”

  The silence that surrounded me after the call felt like torture. I’d never been one to need constant noise or company, but it suddenly felt as though the quiet might eat me alive.

  I glanced around the apartment, appraising it, compiling a to-do list in my head. Monday was only two days away.

  I started in the kitchen; it seemed like the easiest place to begin. Everything in the fridge — not that there was even much in there — went right into the garbage. The dishes I’d amassed over the years all seemed to be in various states of disrepair. I did my best to go through and sort them into piles- giveaway or trash. The good thing about being me — about being a dude, really — was there was very little at my place that held any sentimental value.

  Everything that mattered to me was long gone, anyway.

  In the bathroom, I packed a few items into a toiletry bag, which I carried into the bedroom and set on the foot of my bed. I swallowed down the memory of waking up there next to Penny.

  I packed lightly; a few pair of jeans, t-shirts, light sweaters, my favorite hat and my lucky Converse All-Stars. I’d grab a jacket on my way out the door tomorrow.

  I sat on the couch when I’d finished, marveling at how I’d managed to pack up my life into a single duffel bag. Everything else would either be donated or thrown away.

  I sank further into the couch, the emptiness around me echoing that in my heart, and for a brief moment I considered calling it all off and running after Penny. Not stopping until I showed her that together we could be something truly beautiful.

  But the memory of her drunk at Dino’s telling me to leave stopped me. The cold, hardened look on her face when she told me about Ryan stopped me. Knowing she had run to him after kissing me stopped me.

  For all the steps I took towards her, she was always moving away from me.

  But not this time. This time I was the one putting a wedge between us. And not just any wedge, the only thing I could think to do: put thousands of miles of distance between us.

  Chapter 41

  Penny

  Every moment from the last three months played through my mind, one disastrous memory after another. I lay in my bed for hours, letting the memories play themselves out on repeat. Sometimes I cried. Other times the tears refused to come. Sometimes I would close my eyes and let the pain wash over me, knowing I had not only invited it all in, but had been the one to cause it from the very beginning.

  I ignored the rumbling in my stomach and wrapped myself even more tightly in my comforter. I knew I needed a distraction, something to take my mind off the wave of bullshit I had brought over myself. But nothing seemed particularly enticing, beyond spending the rest of eternity in bed. My phone buzzed beside me and I grabbed it hungrily, a bigger part of my heart than I cared to admit hoped it was Alex. My shoulders dropped when I saw it was my father. The last thing I needed was to add him into the mix. I silenced my phone and tossed it on the bed beside me.

  I squeezed my eyes shut and willed myself not to think of Alex. At some point, late in the morning, I drifted off to sleep.

  I woke two hours later to find I wasn’t alone. My mother sat in a chair in the corner, her legs tucked underneath her and an open, familiar paperback in her lap. When she noticed I was awake, she slid the book onto the desk beside her and leaned forward with her elbows on her knees.

  “It’s not like you to sleep so late.”

  I pinched my eyes shut. I couldn’t do this with her … not now. Not when I thought of my father’s words every time I looked at her. I found out that your mother had been seeing someone else. For quite some time, too.

  “Yeah, I’m tired,” I said without looking at her.

  “Penny, honey, talk to me. What’s going on?”

  I sighed before opening my eyes. “Nothing. I don’t want to talk about it.”

  Not with you.

  “Is this about a guy? Because even though I’m your mother, I’m a woman too, and I’ve probably been through everything you have and more. Maybe I can he--.”

  My voice rose higher. “I’m not going to talk about guys with you.”

  She reeled back, surprised. “What is that supposed to mean?”

  I sat up in bed and hugged my legs to my chest. As much as I wasn’t ready to have this conversation with her I knew all the feelings I was having would just continue to fester inside me … until the inevitable explosion. With so much out of my control these days, I knew this wasn’t one of them.

  “Dad told me.”

  It took her a moment, but she understood. I could practically see the wheels come to a halt in her mind. She swallowed hard and brushed at an invisible piece of lint on her pants.

  “It’s complicated, honey. You wou—”

  I lifted my hand. “Please don’t tell me I wouldn’t understand. Because I understand perfectly. You were bored … or you weren’t happy … or dad was working too much, I don’t know. But you were with someone else, mom. That’s the truth of it. That’s all I need to understand.”

  But in that moment I knew … I knew I wanted her to have a reason that didn’t make her seem like a bad pe
rson. I knew I wanted her to tell me something … anything … that would put a stop to my instinct of wanting to get away from her.

  But she said nothing.

  And so I was left with no other choice but to get up and walk away.

  My cheeks were warm as I recounted my morning to Dr. Scott later that day. Actually, it felt as though a slow burn had taken over my entire body.

  “All of this –” I said, waving my arms in a circle around me, “—it’s not about Matt, or Ryan, or even Alex. It’s about me; the way it always has been. I’ve been trying so hard to be someone else, to stop letting others decide my future, that I’ve completely lost sight of what I really should be focusing on; just being myself, whatever that entails. I don’t need sex to heal me. I don’t need to drink more, or go out more. I just need to learn to be comfortable in my own skin. I need to be comfortable with being alone. I need to see the good in the unknown.

  I lifted my chin, looking Dr. Scott square in the eye and smiled. My face was definitely burning.

  “I’ll admit that I was getting a little nervous about you. I was concerned that you weren’t thinking before acting. But you seem to have come to some truly healthy realizations.”

  I shrugged. “I suppose so.”

  “Why do you think that is?”

  I stared down at my hands in my lap. “I guess, in the beginning, I thought the only way to make a change was to go full out.” I thought about my night with Nick and the road trip to California. “But I realized it doesn’t have to be all or nothing … and it doesn’t have to happen all at once.”

  Dr. Scott tilted his head to the side and a tuft of his hair fell over his eyes. “That’s very mature of you, Penny.”

  “I wish I could take credit for the change, but if I’m being honest, I owe it all to Alex.”

  “Why is that?”

  I took a deep breath. “The past three months have been a whirlwind of craziness. I mean, it’s almost comical. And besides succumbing to drug usage, I’ve done about everything a girl my age might do to try and get through it all. And Alex, well, even when I pushed him away, he was right there beside me, rooting for me.” I smiled down at my lap. “I don’t know how I got so lucky.”