Photo Finished

by Laura Childs

  THE PHONE WAS RINGING OFF THE HOOK WHEN Carmela came rocketing through her front door, Boo right behind her. She scampered, muddy shoes and all, across the sisal carpet to grab the phone.

  “Hello?” she said, fully expecting to hear dead air. She didn’t for a minute think she’d made it in time. Figured her caller would have gotten frustrated and hung up.

  “Carmela,” came a rich, male voice. “You’re home.”

  It was Shamus.

  “Shamus,” she said, feeling somehow reassured at hearing his familiar voice. “Hey there.”

  “Hey, cupcake, you’re still coming Saturday night, right?”

  “What are you talking about?” She knew exactly what Shamus was talking about.

  “You’re going to sit at our table, aren’t you?” Shamus twittered excitedly.

  Carmela let out a long sigh. She’d already covered this territory with Shamus and the answer had been a big fat no. Putting a hand over the receiver, she dropped it to her chest, wondered why life always had to be so darn complicated. Quigg Brevard had also hinted at the two of them getting together. And she was already committed to sitting with Baby and Del.

  Ain’t it grand to be wanted?

  Carmela put the phone back to her ear. “Shamus, you know I’m not going to be able to do that.”

  “Aw, honey,” came his answer, and Carmela thought how funny it was that his voice had gone from reassuring to wheedling in a matter of thirty seconds.

  “No can do, Shamus.” Carmela hobbled over to a dining room chair and sat down. Hooking her left toe into the back of her right tennis shoe, she pried the shoe off. Flecks of mud spattered everywhere. Reaching down, she pulled off the other muddy shoe and gave it a toss. Boo, who’d been sitting near the kitchen ever since they’d come in, flashed her a reproachful look. A look that said, I’d be punished for making this sort of mess.

  “Carmela, I can’t tell you how much Glory is looking forward to this very special night. And to have you right there to share it with us would be icing on the cake for her.”

  Bad metaphor, decided Carmela. It was way too reminiscent of wedding cake. And the fact that she and Shamus had barely made it past their first anniversary.

  Carmela glanced down, saw a tiny rip in her gray wool slacks, and frowned. Damn, these were good ones, too. Plucked from the clearance rack at Saks.

  “Tell Glory not to get her underwear in a twist,” Carmela told Shamus. “I’ll be there Saturday night. I’ll applaud politely. I’ll tell all my friends to applaud politely.”

  “But we have a place reserved for you at our table,” Shamus continued in his maddening way. “It’s been prearranged.”

  “Then I’ll post-arrange it,” Carmela laughed, even though she was still gritting her teeth. “Don’t you know? I’ve got a special in at the Art Institute.”

  “Dawlin’, I know you do,” continued Shamus. “Which is why I’m askin’ you to do this one little old favor.” Shamus had casually dropped into good old boy mode. “It would mean so much to the family.”

  The family. Of course it’s about the family. It’s always about the family. Except when it’s really about the family, decided Carmela. Which always made the whole familial landscape slightly Kafkaesque.

  The call waiting button on Carmela’s phone suddenly burped.

  Hallelujah! Saved by the burp.

  “Shamus?” said Carmela. “I gotta go. I got another call.” Without waiting for a response, Carmela drove her thumb down on the button, disconnecting Shamus and connecting her other caller. She decided she didn’t give a rat’s ass if it was a telemarketer calling to hawk a load of aluminum siding. She was still gonna be nice as pie to him.

  But it was someone with far more chutzpah than any mere mortal telemarketer. It was Ava.

  “Where the hell have you been?” demanded Ava. “I’ve been calling your place all night. I thought maybe a bunch of rogue Irish folk dancers swept in and kidnapped you.”

  “No such luck,” said Carmela. She tugged at her slightly damp socks, peeled one off. “I was snooping around inside a deserted shrimp-processing plant. Out on River Road. My hair stinks and there’s gobs of slithery mud and probably dead shrimp parts stuck to the soles of my shoes. No less than a dozen cats followed me in from my car.” She peeled the second sock off and tossed it toward Boo, who dodged it, then quickly scampered out of the way.

  “Damn it, girl,” said Ava. “Your life reads like an old Doris Day movie. Trippin’ all over the countryside, having one merry adventure after another.” She paused. “Honey, what were you doin’ in a nasty old place like that, anyway? Was this some kind of Halloween prank? Wait a minute… don’t tell me you’re playing that crazy Internet game where you get all sorts of clues, then use one of those global positioning doohickeys.”

  “No, just following up on a Bartholomew Hayward thing,” Carmela told her.

  “A new lead?” asked Ava.

  “Nah, more like a dead end,” said Carmela.

  “Oh,” said Ava, disappointed. “Here I was hoping for big news. Nothing seems to want to break on that Billy Cobb thing, does it?”

  “Actually,” said Carmela, “Billy paid a surprise visit to my store yesterday.”

  “Get out!” exclaimed Ava. “So he didn’t leave town after all.”

  “No, but he’s threatening to,” said Carmela. She sighed. She wanted to help exonerate Billy, but nothing seemed to be gelling. Nothing that told her he was beyond-a-shadow-of-a-doubt innocent. “I checked on the Internet and called around to a few ladies’ shoe stores earlier today, trying to follow up on that heelprint thing?”

  “And?”

  “Seems nobody’s ever heard of a brand with the initials GC.”

  “Hmm,” said Ava. “Maybe it’s Gina Chanel.”

  “Who on earth is Gina Chanel?”

  “I dunno,” laughed Ava. “ Coco ’s little known step-sister?”

  “Hah,” said Carmela. “Nice try.”

  “Say, honey,” said Ava, “I’m sorry you got stuck with Sweetmomma Pam today.”

  “Not a problem,” said Carmela. “She was perfectly lovely and turned out to be a big help.”

  “Really? You don’t have to say that just on my account. I can take it, even if Sweetmomma is kinfolk.”

  “Really, she’s welcome any time,” said Carmela.

  “You think she’d be welcome Saturday night?” asked Ava.

  “You mean…?” said Carmela, not quite tumbling at first to what Ava was asking.

  “Saturday night,” continued Ava. “At Monsters & Old Masters.” She sighed heavily. “Here’s the big problema. First Sweetmomma Pam told me she had a date for Saturday night, now she says she’s broken the whole relationship off because the guy turned out to be too much of a chauvinist pig.”

  “You’re talking about the fruit guy?” asked Carmela. “The one she was so hot for?”

  “That’s the one,” said Ava. “She says it’s over. Kaput. Just one more notch in Sweetmomma Pam’s belt, such as it is.”

  “Actually,” said Carmela, “I see that as a positive.”

  “Meaning?”

  “Meaning that Sweetmomma Pam probably had her consciousness raised.” Consciousness raising was a term Carmela’s momma had used a lot when she was growing up. And that Carmela had read about when she’d thumbed through the pages of her momma’s old Ms. magazines. Put into practical usage, Carmela had found that the basic tenets boiled down to two things: Don’t let any fella treat you like a doormat. And don’t let any fella make you feel like he’s smarter or better than you. ’Cause he ain’t. Pretty fine advice actually.

  “Of course Sweetmomma Pam is welcome Saturday night,” said Carmela. “Shouldn’t be a problem at all.”

  “Do you think we could squeeze her in with us?” asked Ava, who had also been invited to sit at Baby and Del ’s table. “She’s just a little bit of a thing. Barely a hundred pounds.”

  “I’m sure we can work something out,”
said Carmela.

  “Whew,” said Ava. “Now all I have to worry about is coming up with a costume for Sweetmomma Pam.”

  “I doubt that’ll be much of a problem for you,” said Carmela. Ava’s closets looked like the costume department for the combined road companies of Hello, Dolly! and The Lion King. Over-the-top theatrical with tons of sequins, feathers, and glitter.

  “I hope we’re still on for our visit to Spa Diva Saturday morning,” said Ava. “I’m really looking forward to it.”

  After her little run-in with Jade Ella earlier in the evening, Carmela had mixed feelings about using the gift certificates they’d been given. Still, Ava seemed to be counting on it.

  “Did you get a load of all the spa treatments they offer?” enthused Ava. “It sounds like a hedonistic paradise. Right up my alley.”

  “They list some treatments I’ve never heard of,” said Carmela. “Paraffin peel, hot lava stones, a Brazilian wax. I know what a bikini wax is, but a Brazilian wax?”

  Ava chuckled. “Honey, haven’t you seen pictures of those women strutting their stuff on those beaches in Rio? With their teeny-weeny swimsuits kinda scrunched up the crack of their butts?”

  Now it was Carmela’s turn to giggle. “Yeah.”

  “You’re a smart girl,” said Ava. “Figure it out.” Carmela decided it might be more prudent, if not slightly more modest, to opt for the salt glow body wrap instead.

  Chapter 16

  FRIDAY morning dawned dark and dreary. Carmela pulled on a pair of gray wool slacks, a peachy-pink sweater, then a lightweight camel-colored suede jacket.

  She’d dreamed about that darned shrimp-processing plant all night. Strange, nightmare images that involved knives, dank conveyor belts, and the layer of feltlike dust that seemed mounded over everything.

  And she’d thought fleetingly about that number on the back of the oil painting, too. NMA92107.

  What did it mean exactly?

  When she arrived at Memory Mine, Carmela decided the easiest way to do some fast research would be to phone Natalie Chastain. She was a museum registrar, after all. It was her bailiwick to know about such things.

  But when she dialed Natalie’s number, the phone rang and rang. Carmela was about to give up, when she heard a loud click and then someone came on the line.

  “Natalie’s office,” said a male voice.

  “Hi there,” said Carmela. “Natalie around?”

  “Sorry,” came the voice. “I’m not sure where she’s off to at the moment.”

  “Mr. Payne?” asked Carmela.

  “Yes, this is Monroe Payne. To whom am I speaking, please?”

  “It’s Carmela, Carmela Bertrand. I’m doing the-”

  “The menu cards!” said Monroe with a smile in his voice.

  “Of course. I’ll tell Natalie you called.”

  “Actually,” said Carmela, hesitating slightly, “I had a quick question. Quite unrelated to menu cards.”

  “Perhaps I can help?” said Monroe.

  Should I? wondered Carmela. Why not? He’s a smart guy, too.

  “If you found a series of numbers on the back of a painting, what would that mean to you?” she asked.

  “You’re talking about acquisition numbers?” asked Monroe.

  “I guess that’s it,” said Carmela. “Hmm.”

  “Or deacquisiton numbers,” continued Monroe.

  “Deacquistion?” said Carmela. “That’s what-getting rid of a piece of art? Do museums ever do that?”

  “Actually,” said Monroe, “they do it all the time. Have private sales, sell to dealers, sell at auction.”

  “All museums do this?” asked Carmela.

  “Unless they’ve got a storage area with climate-controlled vaults the size of Texas,” Monroe laughed. “Good Lord, you’d be surprised at the things people donate to museums. Old photographs, archaeological relics… someone once tried to give us an elephant’s foot.”

  Carmela chatted with Monroe Payne for a few more minutes, then hung up. His information had been valuable, but it hadn’t led anywhere.

  Oh well.

  “You off now?” asked Gabby as she popped her head into Carmela’s office.

  Carmela jumped up, grabbing her handbag and digital camera. “Yup. If anybody calls, just tell ’em I’ll be hanging out in Lafayette Cemetery No. 1.”

  CARS RATTLED BY ON PRYTANIA AS CARMELA, accompanied by Boo, picked her way through the fog-shrouded graves of Lafayette Cemetery. Two days earlier, when she’d come here for the funeral of Bartholomew Hayward, the place had been fairly well populated by the living: mourners for Barty’s funeral, attendees for two other graveside services that had been going on that morning, plus the inevitable flocks of sightseers, tour groups, and amateur vampire hunters. Today, though, just a few stragglers wandered about.

  Of all the cemeteries scattered throughout New Orleans, Lafayette Cemetery No. 1 was one of Carmela’s favorites. It was incredibly old, highly atmospheric, and chock-full of history.

  Established in 1833, Lafayette Cemetery No. 1, like most New Orleans cemeteries, had been borne out of terrible necessity, when pestilence, yellow fever, and cholera ravaged the city. Those epidemics often claimed thousands of lives, all in one hideous swoop.

  Because New Orleans had been built below sea level, early residents soon learned a bitter lesson. Bodies of their loved ones that were buried underground had a nasty habit of finding their way back to the surface. So it didn’t take long for the aboveground cemetery to be devised. Crypts, mausoleums, and oven vaults were constructed aboveground to receive the bodies of the deceased.

  Many of the larger structures bore a keen resemblance to Roman ruins; others spookily sported several stories, like condos for the dead. But what Carmela was most fascinated by were the ancient single tombs. These were three to four feet high and six feet long and resembled whitewashed grave vaults. Many were crumbling and decrepit now, due to the ravages of time, vandalism, and the merciless heat and humidity. Many of these tombs had once been embellished with images of angels, saints, and other heavenly accouterments, which had long since eroded and melted into ghostly forms.

  These were the exact images Carmela planned to photograph, then plug into her computer. Once these images were enlarged, she’d print them out on paper as a sort of pattern. Taping these paper patterns to hollowed-out pumpkins, she would use a wood gouge to carve away the background, ending up with a nifty stencil effect. When lights were inserted, her tombstone images would appear in dark outlines against a glowing orange background.

  Because there were so many eerie old graves to choose from, Carmela snapped away with her camera, wandering freely among the tombs as Boo trailed on the leash behind her. As she rounded a large multicolumned mausoleum, Carmela ran headlong into Dove Duval.

  “Dove!” she exclaimed, putting a hand to her thudding heart.

  Dove Duval pulled up short, as well. “Why, hello, Carmela,” she said sweetly. “Lovely day for a stroll, isn’t it?”

  For the third day in a row, rain drizzled down and clouds hung low. The wind delivered a nasty, damp chill and the weather forecasters were still talking hurricane. Lovely day? Carmela figured Dove had to be kidding.

  Dove held her umbrella aloft and pressed in uncomfortably close to Carmela. “You must be working on one of your little projects,” Dove purred.

  Carmela didn’t much like the way Dove said the word projects. Tugging on the leash, Carmela instantly telegraphed an alert to Boo. And Boo, never a terribly friendly dog to begin with, slid her gums back over her sharp white teeth and uttered a low growl. Grrrrrrr.

  Unsettled, Dove took a step backward. “Such a charming creature,” she observed dryly. “Is your dog always this friendly?”

  “She’s a Chinese Shar-Pei,” Carmela explained. “Not exactly your warm fuzzy breed. More on the order of chilly-wrinkley. Shar-Peis tend to regard most outsiders as sworn enemies.” Carmela kept a grin pasted on her face even though she didn’t feel particu
larly smiley toward Dove. “I think it hearkens back to the invasion of Genghis Khan,” she added. Whatever the heck that means, thought Carmela.

  But Dove Duval, obviously no genius when it came to history, seemed to accept Carmela’s remark at face value. “I see,” she said.

  “And you’re just out for a stroll?” Carmela asked, noting that Boo was holding her tail down instead of in its usual tight curl. The dog was definitely not getting good vibes from Dove.

  What are you really doing here, Dove Duval? wondered Carmela. How come you’re lurking around Bartholomew Hayward’s grave? Have you really come for an innocent ramble through the cemetery or are you here to gloat over your handiwork?

  “Isn’t this what folks here like to do?” asked Dove, gazing about in what seemed to be a state of blissful rhapsody. “Wander these marvelous old cemeteries and commune with the dead? Isn’t that what you’re doing?”

  “Actually,” said Carmela, “I was just snapping a few photos.” She didn’t much feel like explaining her jack-o’lantern-carving project to Dove. In fact, she didn’t feel like explaining anything to her.

  “Probably for one of your many scrapbooks,” said Dove, poking bits of choppy blond hair behind her ears. “You’re so creative.” She was obviously dying to know more.

  But Carmela was not forthcoming.

  “You’re very tight with Baby Fontaine, aren’t you?” Dove said finally.

  “She’s one of my dearest friends.”

  Dove cocked her head to one side. “Baby comes from an old family?”

  “Pretty old,” said Carmela. “Her grandfather was mayor of New Orleans back in the twenties.”

  “Very impressive,” said Dove. “And she’s chaired a lot of committees for the Art Institute?”

  Carmela nodded. “She’s had her share.”

  “Let me ask you something,” said Dove. “I’ve spoken with Monroe Payne a few times about a possible winter fund-raiser.”

  “Okay,” said Carmela. So that was it. Dove was bound and determined to chair her own fund-raiser. She probably assumed that, once you were chairman of an event, it was a hop, skip, and a jump to a seat on the board of directors. Carmela knew it was actually a very long and arduous leap.